"Luce, huh?" Koda and I were in the park. I was lying down and staring at the sky, my heart filled with all the warmth in the world. Luce made my heart fill like that every single time. And Koda was sitting next to me, looking around the park while he listened to me talk. So of course I'd told my new friend about her. I mean, Devon could only listen to me rave about her for so long before she rolled her eyes and told me to ask her out already.
"Yeah, Luce." Her name rolled off my tongue and I smiled around it. It was a good name.
"She sounds great."
"She is. You should come meet her sometime, come hang out at the bar. All my other friends have met her already, so it seems " Dev was still recuperating. I hadn't even had a chance to tell her about Koda. And even if I did, I wasn't sure what I'd say. Dev was my best friend, there was no doubting that and I couldn't think of a future where Dev wasn't my best friend. Maybe Luce and I wouldn't get married and have the most adorable kids on the planet, maybe I wouldn't have other friends in my life, maybe Koda and I would lose touch in a week, maybe I would never find someone to settle down with. But Dev? She'd always be there. But something about Koda was different from her. Something about him made me feel more...open. There was something I could be around him that I was afraid to be around anyone else. And maybe it was because he was new in my life, maybe because he was just the kind of guy I could feel like that around, I wasn't exactly sure, but there was something that put me at ease. The worst part was that I wasn't sure what it was that I was hiding from the world. I wasn't sure what baggage I was carrying that I only felt safe enough to set it down when it was just Koda and I. And maybe that's why I hadn't told Dev about him yet.
"Friends? Is that what we are now?" He said, turning his glance to me and a wide, charming smile took over.
My face felt hot and I glanced away from him. "Well I mean, I consider you a friend, we talk a lot and hang out and isn't that what friends do?" Were we not friends? Did he not think of me that way? Maybe he didn't really like me that much.
"Good, I like that. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one thinking we moved on from acquaintance stage. I'd love to meet your girl sometime, she seems pretty great, but as your friend I still would like to meet her and see if I approve. You know, part of the job of beings friends."
I nodded, "Understandable. Well my friend Dev—"
He mock gasped and a hand flew to his chest. "Other friends?! I thought we were exclusive!! How dare you? Making me trust you like that, only to go flaunting your other friendships about!"
"Well I never said we were going steady," I said after I'd finished laughing. "Anyways, my friend Dev is kind of stuck at home for a while, recovering from a motorcycle accident because she's as reckless as she was when she was ten, but now she actually as the means to be that reckless."
"Is she okay?" His laughs and jokes turned serious and he seemed genuinely concerned, not that fake, I-have-to-ask-because-you-brought-it-up concern.
"Oh yeah, she's fine. I mean, she will be. She's really banged up, but honestly she's fine. She's probably enjoying the time off from class and work and stuff. She even got a dog a couple weeks ago. Her parents are really worried, keep sending her money to make up for the lack of work and stuff, which she would turn down if, you know, she was able to work. And she's with her girlfriend Sara all the time because of it, really she's doing just fine. But she can't come to the bar for a while, and well, Luce works at the bar most of the time so I still would like to go, but it would be nice to have a reason other than to just drool over her from afar."
"Are you asking me on a date?" He had a sly grin and gave me the most over the top wink I'd ever seen.
I sat up and pushed him lightly, "Shut up," I was laughing again and it took away from the intended message. "What an awful date, come to this bar with me so I can watch my dream girl and talk about her nonstop. When I go on dates I go all out, so no, this is not a date, this is come play pool with me while I make big eyes at this girl. Which probably doesn't sound very fun at all for you now that I think about it."
"No, no, no, it sounds like a blast." He gave me his slightly crooked smile that showed plenty of teeth and made the doubts I had about him wanting to come go away. "It's Friday, do you want to go tonight?"
"So eager to spend a couple hours with a lovesick girl like me?"
"What can I say, it's a benefit to being friends."
We went out at 8, he rode in my car and he, being actually 21, didn't have to use a fake ID like I did. And when we walked in, he whistled and nodded to the bar. "That her?"
And yeah. Yeah it was.
She wasn't wearing a tank top tonight, instead it was a tight red shirt and I could see one black bra strap. It was still low cut, I wasn't sure she wore anything that wasn't. And her dirty blond hair was tied up in a bun tonight instead of a ponytail. Of course she was busy, it was Friday night after work ended for most people, but Luce was still gorgeous and didn't even look like she was tired or overworked.
"Yeah, that's Luce."
"Man, I can see why you'd have it bad. She's busy now, but later I'm going to talk to her, make sure I like her." He then looked to me, his hands in his pockets and his head cocked to the side slightly, but until then what's the plan for us?"
"We could play pool if you're up to it or sit and drink or dance, I'm not much of a dancer but I can pretend to nod my head to the beat or something." I shrugged.
"Well, your pool table seems to be taken," I followed his gaze and sure enough, other people were there. Man, Dev would have pouted all night if she had been here instead. "so let's just sit for a while and maybe if you get drunk enough we can dance some."
I nodded, it was a sound enough plan, it meant staying here a while even if we didn't play pool. And maybe if it slowed down a bit I'd be able to talk to Luce some more. "Sure, I'm gonna get us some drinks, what do you want?"
He shrugged, "Any beer that's good, I'm not too picky." Oh man, Dev would have had a heart attack, she'd toyed with the idea of her own microbrewery (Seattle, the home base of microbreweries, everyone here brewed their own beer, so in a way it was the best and worse place to try it. Nobody here drank big companies, everyone had their favorite beers and everyone was willing to try a new one. Beer was a sport here. Budweiser? Dream on. So while it seemed like a sound plan, you'd have a possibility of big business, you were also competing with everyone in Seattle. It was a hard dream to put into action, not to mention expensive.)
I left him to find a place to sit, hopefully where I'd be able to keep an eye on the bar to see if my chance to talk to her arose, and went to see Luce.
She almost dropped the customer she was dealing with when I walked up, but I waved her back to the young woman who was half way through her order.
When she was done with her she walked to me, ignoring the rest of the small crowd, not that they minded, they all assumed that they would be waiting a while anyways. The other bartender, Lexi, handled them while Luce handled me (though not in the ways I would have preferred, not that I would ever say anything about that).
"Should I let Dev know you're cheating on her?" She said with a smile as she got closer.
I laughed and looked over at Koda who was sitting at a tall table, I believe the one Sara had been sitting at not too long ago. "That's Koda, a friend I made online."
"Show me the websites you go to, she's cute." Luce said, eyeing him up and down. He smiled and waved back to her.
"He, Koda's a guy."
"Huh, still cute." I wasn't going to tell him Luce thought he was a girl at first, there was no reason he needed to know. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't even want to know. I had known Luce was bisexual but I had never heard her talk about guys very much. Maybe because this bar, while an overall gay bar, was mostly geared towards ladies, or maybe because she just had a preference for women. I wasn't really sure. Either way I wasn't so sold on the idea of her talking about finding other people cute. Especially Koda who was my friend. I mean, what if she did end up liking him? And then they started going out? Koda and I weren't exactly close yet, so what if he did start dating her? And then I'd have to see them all the time and I would have to think about the fact that I was the link for them to get together, I was the one who acting as the bridge for them to walk on holding hands and watching the goddamn sunset.
Yeah, I wasn't too sold on her saying Koda was cute. But I couldn't do much about it, it wasn't my place to say anything and even if I didn't like it, I wanted Luce to be happy, and if Koda did that I would have to support it.
"But I've already got my eyes on this one girl, so I'm not interested."
Man, This One Girl. Luce brought her up from time to time and every time it killed me. I didn't know if she was from the bar or some other part of Luce's life, I didn't ask questions. I may have supported Luce's other romantic endeavors, but I wasn't enough of a masochist to ask for the details.
"Can I get two of the usual? I figured I'd bring him something good since he isn't too picky about his beer, don't tell Dev that of course."
"Oh never, we don't need to ruin her opinion of him yet. Has she met him?"
"Not yet, she will. You're the first actually, or will be when he comes to talk to you. I told him about this girl who never leaves the bar and who is supposed to protect the pool from people who don't appreciate it."
"Oh I don't know, they seem to be appreciating it quite a bit."
One glance showed some very handsy pool playing, it wasn't even good pool playing, it looked like the beginning of some porno. Devon could never know how her pool table had been defiled. "Oh, yeah, sure they are. Just please burn my eyes from my sockets so I never have to see that again."
"Come on, I've seen worse. Fuck, I've seen Dev do worse."
That was very true. "Well you're not wrong, but even so. Now give me my beer, I have to drink away that image."
And then there was beer. It just cemented my belief that Luce was a goddess.
I paid and took the beer back to Koda who was sitting there with that goofy grin. "You talked to her for a while. She's into you, I can tell."
"Nah, she likes this other chick."
"Mhm." He sipped his beer and we talked for a while about a little of everything. And then a girl came up to us. She sat next to Koda, her body pressing against his, not that he seemed to mind. And she was flirting hard. I didn't mind, Dev had done it plenty of times and I wasn't bitter about it. It's what happens when you have friends who are popular with the ladies, I had plenty of girls come up to me too, I just became known for saying no around here. Word got around that I was a lost cause, which was pretty close to true, my one night stands were almost nonexistent now. In fact, I hadn't had sex in months now. At first it had been awful, but eventually I just got used to it. I didn't crave it so much anymore, I didn't even really remember what it was like, just my hyped up memories that were probably only half true by now.
And then she trailed her fingers up his chest, and he grinned real wide and licked his lips as she leaned in and purred, "I've always had a thing for butch chicks."
And just like that he pushed her away and said, "I'm not a chick." His voice was cold and I could see how tense he was from here.
She blinked in confusion, "Oh. I mean, you just, you kind of—"
"You should probably find someone else to go after. I'm 100% male and not what you're looking for tonight." He shifted his attention from her, and after a few moments of stunned silence, she got out of her seat and walked away.
"She didn't know what she was talking about—" I started, my heart going out to him.
"Doesn't matter." But I could tell it did. His voice had lost its usual brightness and his eyes were darker than usual. I could tell he was hurting, maybe even angry, though I doubted it was with the girl.
"Koda—"
"I said it doesn't matter, and it doesn't, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm always fine." He drank from his beer and wouldn't meet my eyes.
"You shut up and listen to me, you got it?" He stiffened and slowly looked up, shock apparent on his face. He didn't say anything this time, so I continued. "You are a good guy. You got that? And it does matter. Anyone could tell just from looking at you it matters. And that's okay, you've got emotions, even guys have those. It's normal and not something to be ashamed about for fuck's sake. Look, it's primarily a girls for girls bar, and those who aren't looking for chicks are guys looking for guys. And as you can tell," I gestured to the people around, only four or five were men, and they were all hanging out with their dancing girl friends. "is pretty rare. She didn't think you were a girl because you are one, she thought you were a girl because I hang out with Devon and Dev and I look pretty masculine and she sleeps around a bit- used to sleep around a lot- and I've never taken a guy here. I think to her you're still in that stage of looking not quick masculine enough, but that doesn't change anything. What she sees doesn't determine who you are. It doesn't change what you feel. Nobody else defines you. And Dev's slept with her and I can tell you for a fact she's a bit of a dumbass anyways and can't figure it out. To anyone else they'd pick up the signs in no time, I mean just listen to your voice." I wasn't so sure Dev had slept with her, but the odds were that she had. It was less about telling the truth and more about making him feel right. He deserved to feel good about himself, and what had just happened obviously made him feel shitty. And friends are supposed to lie like this sometimes, sometimes that's what it takes to help someone you care about.
He didn't say anything at first, and then he looked down at his beer and a small smile crept along his face. "Thanks." He said quietly.
I knew it didn't fix everything, it didn't cure it all, I didn't save him from himself with a few measly sentences, but for a little bit I was able to help him feel better. And that was good enough for right now, for both of us.
"Let's get fucking wasted tonight and go home with really hot girls. One who knows I'm a guy for me and one who is into you."
"But Luce—"
"Isn't your girlfriend. Man, I am all for you going out with her, but you've got to actually go out with her for that to happen. Are you asking her out tonight?" I stayed silent. "This week?" I looked down at my hands and shifted uncomfortably. "Then you can spend one night with a woman, anyone can tell it's been a while and you're probably in need. So, for one night, look at someone else. And maybe it will even get Luce to make a move, seeing what she's missing."
I looked over at Luce. She wasn't paying attention and my heart clenched up. I'd held off for a long time, using this idea of her wanting me back to justify it. But she wasn't saying anything and I was way to scared to right now. Maybe Koda had a point. What was the use in holding back for someone who wasn't interested?
"Alright, but just tonight and just because you need a wingman. And Luce is still the girl I want to be with, don't take this as a 'me getting over her' or thinking that we can't be together or something."
"Don't worry man, I'm going to be working on ways to get you two hooked up. But tonight, I think you should leave with someone. It'll catch her attention, at the very least. Now, let's get more beer."
Honestly, most of the night is really blurry after that. We sat for a while, downing beers and steadily getting more and more drunk, or stories getting bigger, our laughs louder. And then I'd had enough alcohol to get up and dance.
I remember only snippets from here. Getting up, Luce's eyes looking to me curiously, I never danced. Going to the floor with Koda. Lots of Koda. He was close to me, we started dancing together, like friends do. He was taller than I was and his eyes were bright and happy, he was laughing and having a good time, which I appreciated.
Girls came to us, and we found one soon that recognized him as a man, it didn't actually take much looking, almost everyone saw him as that. I remember this because she was talking about his dick a lot and I was still close enough to hear, which definitely bothered me, but I didn't say anything.
And then a girl came to me. And I remember Koda's dark green eyes flicking to mine and he winked.
I don't remember much about her, I remember a lot of laughing and dancing but the girl herself is a haze. I don't remember her name either.
We took a cab home, which I didn't normally do because usually I only had one, maybe two beers all night and didn't need a ride home. But I was in no shape to drive.
I do remember Luce's eyes following me out the door.
And I do remember my heart cracking as it shut behind me.
Koda left with me with the girl, going in his own cab, and I told the driver my address.
There was kissing and pressure and people against walls and hands, hands everywhere.
And then it stopped.
I ad stopped.
Luce's eyes were swimming in my head, they weren't right, there was something wrong, and this girl, whoever she was, wasn't Luce. So I sent her home and decided never to speak of it again and hopefully everyone would forget it. I never told Dev, and Koda only brought it up once.
"Oh man, last night was great, yeah?" He said the next day when he came over to my apartment. He had texted me at 10 in the morning asking if he could come over. I only said yes when he offered to bring bottles of water, coffee, and asprin.
How he had recovered from his headache so fast astounded me.
"How?" I whispered hoarsely as I swallowed the asprin and staggered to the curtains to stop the sliver of light from coming through the crack. It took a lot of finagling, but I managed it.
"How what?" Bright, happy, loud, puppy.
"Are you alive?" I went back to the couch and fell into the spot beside him.
"I find sex cures most of my problems." Good god, I swear that was Dev talking with a man's body. "Didn't it do anything for you?"
I pulled my knees up to my chin and didn't say anything.
He smiled and touched my shoulder. "Time will fix it too. Now I can move onto phase two of my plan to get you and Luce together."
"And that is?"
"None of your business. Just learn to take signs from the universe."
I rolled my eyes and sipped at my water. "Sure, sure, sure. Whatever you say."
He smiled and I thought something was odd about it, it didn't seemed forced, but it didn't seem up to its usual 'Koda level' as I decided to think of it. But I put it out of my mind and determined that the hangover was getting to him, even a little bit.
"Now, let's get you feeling better, you're a mess right now, honestly it's awful to watch. Let me help."
It took a few hours, but eventually I was back to being almost normal again. But we didn't go out, we just watched movies and talked. He told me all about his night with this girl, she didn't know he was trans when she left with him, and she didn't find out. I asked for the details, which he gave proudly. It was about distraction apparently, and not taking off all your clothes.
He wore what he called a binder, which confused me at first because how can you wear school supplies? But he explained that it was a compression top, it took his chest and flattened it out. Like the opposite of a bra I guess. And he had these underwear that acted as a harness, the brand he said was RodeOhs, common for girls who use prosthetics during sex and trans men. It looked like regular underwear which worked really well for him because as long as he kept them on, no one had to know what was underneath.
And then there was his favorite part.
His dick.
And that's all he called it, not his strap on, not his prosthetic, just his dick. It was a piece of him. He got it from a company designed for transguys and was very realistic, look and feel wise. And there was something about it that allowed him to feel what was going on too, ridges or something against the part that pressed against his...anatomy that rubbed against it.
I had worried about what would happen last night when she found out, but apparently I didn't have anything to worry about, Koda knew what he wanted and how to get it. And I was happy that he was able to do that if that's what he wanted. I didn't want how people perceived him to affect his chance at lust or love. And, at least in the lust department, he seemed to be doing fine.
I, on the other hand, had a long way to go.
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Was going to come up with a better title but honestly? I'm way overworked for this and I can't and it's 11:30 at night and I have to be at work early tomorrow.
I wasn't going to go into detail about how Koda has sex because frankly it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with you, the readers, and there are those of you who will protest because you are reading this and obviously it does have to do with you, but here's the thing, it doesn't. Even if the story was from Koda's POV, how he has sex wouldn't affect the story. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't mean anything to anyone. What he does in the bedroom doesn't matter. The only reason, and I do mean the only reason, I put it in here is because Riley is figuring himself out with Koda's help. Koda telling him these things is going to affect his discovery and transition and how he handles these situations later on. I wanted to say Koda had sex, because yes trans people have sex, and Koda had a one night stand, because this is also possible, and Koda didn't have to tell anyone, and he wasn't lying. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He is a man, he had sex with a woman who wanted to have sex with a man, who wanted to have sex with him. And I knew if I just left it at Riley saying the girl never knew there would be questions. And instead of answering it a million times in the comments, I thought I'd answer it once now. I was just going to leave it at Riley saying she never knew, but him finding out affects a scene I have planned for later.
This being said, never ask a trans person about what they do for sex unless you are preparing to have sex with them. What Koda did is not the universal 'trans sex'. There is no such thing. I do not have sex like this (and I don't answer questions about what I do) I am in fact using a story from a guy I know, I have sex in a completely different way, and another friend of mine is completely different too. And none of us do it the right or wrong way, we just do it our way. Never ask us what the right way is unless we offer that information or if you are going to be having sex with us soon and it is information you need/want to have because you're going to be in bed with us. I don't ask you how you screw, don't ask me. Same thing with questions about my junk, I don't ask about the details of yours, don't ask about the details of mine (there is something I will bring up about Riley's, it is in passing and used just as an educational tidbit, it is important because before starting hormones or getting surgery or anything you need to know exactly what you are getting into and Riley goes through this and the research phase, so he is obviously going to talk about changes that will occur to him, but he won't talk about the details of his own junk like that. Here. I'm thinking about writing an...adult chapter and posting it on an adult site. Not for the excitement of readers who want to know about trans sex but for the excitement of trans guys like me who want to read about trans guys and connect with people like them and get in the mood. Of course I won't stop you from reading it, but if it comes out please don't go to it as like an inside look on the trans sex experience or anything, because I will be quite unhappy if that's what's going on and I'll probably end up taking it down. I mean, you can read it and stuff if you think you'd enjoy it, but don't read it in a "I have to see a trans person in action because it's so curious" because that's weird. Be like, these characters are hot together and I think reading about them would be exciting.) (also, due to this chapter and the vague content of future ones I will be changing this to mature rating.)
Okay, serious stuff aside, I want to ask how you guys feel about Koda. I really need an answer to this because I've been thinking a lot and I think there's something I want to do and I'm going to do whatever I decide whether or not you guys are into it or not because I'm the writer and while I want to use this to help people like me, I also want to use it to help myself discover myself. So please, talk about Koda in the comments, what do you like and not like? How do you think he is? What do you want to see with Koda? Do you have questions about him? What do you want to know? I'd like to make him a major character, and I want to know what I should focus on with him, what interests you guys? Talk to me about Koda, I want to know what I want to do with him and I think it would help to have your input. Thanks a ton.
-Nikolai