It was a nine-hour drive to the Texas-New Mexico border. It was a twenty-four hour drive home, give or take, and that was only if we drove straight through. The upside was, Kane and I had plenty of time to clear the air before I had to deal with the rest of my family; the downside was Kane and I had plenty of time to clear the air.
Kane did me the courtesy of waiting until we were out of San Antonio before he started talking. "Leg bothering you?"
The hand massaging my knee stopped. I'd done it again. "No."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Let me know when you want me to drive." I grabbed one of his hoodies from the back and pillowed it under my head. Night was a long way off and I was nowhere near tired, but I'd always done my share of the driving and that meant napping when you can. The problem was my brain wouldn't shut itself off.
"I meant Texas. Do you want to talk about why you were in—"
"No, Kane."
"Well, for what it's worth, you do look better than you did the last time I saw you."
"That's not saying much considering the last time you saw me I was confined to a hospital bed with my leg in traction."
"You know what I mean, Jessalyn."
We rode for a while longer as Gary Allen and Johnny Cash blasted out of the speakers and kept the silence from becoming unbearable. I knew it was too good to last and eventually Kane would want to talk. We stopped in Kerrville for gas and something to drink. No sooner had we gotten back on I-10 and Kane had set the cruise control than he started talking.
"I was eleven when your mama ran off with your dad."
I sipped my drink and waited, my eyes on the sunny day passing by my window at seventy-five miles an hour.
"She was the first girl to ever kiss me and then, three months later, she ran off with your daddy."
That got my attention and I leaned my head back to stare. "She kissed you?"
"On the cheek!" He threw me a quick grin. "All I remembered for the longest time were her breasts. And that she was beautiful."
"Jesus, Kane. TMI?"
"I was a very impressionable young man, and that was the best and worst summer of my life."
Squeezing my eyes shut, I resigned myself to listening.
"She kissed me and then she ran away with some rodeo cowboy. I loved her and she broke my heart, broke her mother's heart, and her grandmother's heart, too."
"I'm sorry." He seemed genuinely sad. Sadder than I'd ever seen or heard him.
"She looked so much like you...except she laughed more. I guess you get all that seriousness from your daddy."
He'd loved my mom and she'd broken his heart by running off with Daddy and having me. Right then I didn't know whether to laugh or what. I scrubbed at my face and focused on the scenery, at a loss for what to say or ask next.
"What was my grandmother's name?"
"Jillian."
"Is she still alive?"
"Gone," he practically grunted. "Passed away years ago."
"So, Granny, your grandmother, was pretty much it?"
"There's some aunts, including my mom, and some cousins."
"What was her name? Your granny. The one who died?" Against my will, my anger softened, diluted by curiosity and our shared history.
"Josephine Maines."
"And she was...help me out here."
"Jillian's mother.
"How did she die?"
He chuckled a bit. "With a cigar in her hand. Damn near burned down the house."
"She sounds like a real character," I bit out, unable to help myself.
"I'm sorry. Granny Jo asked me to keep an eye on you after I found out you were riding the circuit. She's the one who asked me to keep my mouth shut. She made me swear, Jessa."
And John Kane never broke a promise.
"You still should have told me, Kane."
"Granny was afraid you'd tell your dad, so was I."
"If you'd asked me not to, I wouldn't have."
"Maybe not on purpose, but you know how Marlene pushes your buttons."
"That may be true, but you—" I paused to find the right words, "—you cheated me out of a chance to know my great-grandmother."
The silence that followed felt long and heavy but was probably only a minute.
"I know."
"Did my mom—" it seemed so weird being able to ask someone about her. I'd spent my whole life wondering and now I had my own personal source to fill me in about her right here next me to and I wasn't sure what to ask, "—did she have brothers and sisters?"
"Three younger sisters. One died of breast cancer but the other two are still alive."
I nodded slowly and took another sip of my soda. "What are their names?"
"Jacinda and Julia?"
I snorted then coughed then laughed out loud. "Geez, Jessica, Josephine, Jacinda, Julia, John and Jessalyn. Do we have enough J names?"
"Jacinda and Julia were raised by Granny after your grandmother died. I guess you would have been about five or six. Jacinda is my mom."
"And my dad? Does he know Granny Jo died?"
"Hell no!"
Shortly after our conversation my phone buzzed. I checked my messages, fully aware of Kane watching me out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't ask.
Zack: Where are you? Where did you go?
Me: Home. I'm going home.
Our love affair or whatever it had been was over. I suppose if I had to give my virginity to anyone and then get my heart broken I'd rather it have been someone like Zack.
Kane and I barely spoke again until I took over driving in Amarillo and then it was just the bare necessities. I had no trouble staying silent, though I couldn't say my own thoughts were very good company. We stopped a couple hours outside of Pueblo, Colorado, for gas and Kane insisted on taking over even though he hadn't slept that long.
Then he started talking again.
"There was some to-do after your mama died. Granny Jo didn't go into specifics, but apparently your father refused to let her or your aunts raise you. Refused to even bring you to visit. He wouldn't even answer their letters, so I just kept my mouth shut like she asked and did as I was told."
"I'm sorry Kane, but all the explanations in the world won't make it okay. You could have at least told me when she died."
"You were doing your rehab."
He had me there. I hadn't been in a position to travel or a good place mentally.
***
It'd been a long drive and a long night with us talking intermittently, broken up by me asking questions or pouting or sleeping. I'd taken over again after a quick breakfast, and for me anyway, a quick change into warmer clothes, then driven the rest of the way. At the sight of the city limits sign, I slowed, then pulled off the road, camera in hand so I could take a couple photos. I might not know where I was going or what I was doing or what my future held, but I had a feeling it'd be a very long time before I passed this way again.
WELCOME TO HORSESHOE BEND, MONTANA
HOME OF PRA WORLD SADDLE BRONC CHAMPION,JESSALYN STRATTON
Above it, rising in the distance, were mountain peaks still covered in winter snow. It was a pretty decent shot; one I thought Zack would have appreciated. I sighed, camera in hand, wishing I could call him. Instead, I pulled out my cell phone, took another photo of the sign and texted him.
Me: Made it safe. Enjoy the view.
For once, that sign didn't make me cringe with embarrassment. If anything, I now felt even angrier at Kane for lying to me and at Dad who had kept me around for reasons I couldn't even begin to understand.
As much as I wanted to blame my father for so many things, I also realized that I could have quit the rodeo at any time. That was on me. I'd just been too young and too dumb to realize it. I'm not sure how. It was the only thing I'd ever done that had gotten my father's attention, and whether it had been a conscious choice or not, I'd made the decision to not quit. A decision that had nearly cost me my life. As much as I'd come home to confront my father, to get some long-overdue answers and yeah, to confront Kane, I'd also come to say goodbye.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and sucked in a deep breath of chilly air, feeling scared, sad and a little bit crazy, and for one brief, sad moment, I wished Zack was there with me.
I skirted downtown, stopping to take a few more photographs of the high school, and of the little rodeo arena I'd first competed at. I sent the photo of the arena to Zack also.
That one got me a response: Check your email.
I quickly texted him back: Kane's waiting. Might be tonight but I will. Promise
On the northwestern edge of town I pushed my foot down on the accelerator and rolled down the windows, smiling as the wind picked up, whipping my hair into tangles. I turned the volume back up on the radio and sang along with Pam Tillis the last few miles, unable to wipe the grin off my face while Kane grumbled and stretched beside me.
Considering I was about to do the hardest thing I'd ever done—harder than riding any bronc—I sure was in a good mood. Like I said, just a little bit crazy.
My smile turned into a near hysterical fit of the giggles as the truck's tires bounced gently on the cattle guard as I passed under the sign that told anyone who drove by this was the Diamond S—Stratton land. And had been for over seventy-five years.
I turned down the stereo and eased to a stop, raking my fingers through my hair and taking a good look around, camera clutched in sweaty palms. It seemed as if a lot more than six or seven months had gone by since I'd been home.
Seemed more like a lifetime. How cliché.
Then again, maybe not. For the last eight years or so, most of my visits had been deliberately brief. The shorter the better.
From behind me a horn blew, snapping me back to the present. I turned and waved at Jace, giggling again at the shocked expression on his face as he patiently sat waiting on me to finish taking pictures. I drove the rest of the way to the house, pulling past the house and parking in front of the old ranch foreman's cabin where Kane and I would sleep.
With a sigh, I killed the engine, shot Kane a look that said, "here we go," and then climbed out, barely able to catch my breath as Jace grabbed me up in a big bear hug.
"What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were off...doing whatever?"
First thing's first.
"I was," I said, returning his hug. I pushed him away, ran my fingers through my knotted, windblown hair and propped my sunglasses on my head so I could get a good look at him. God he looked like Daddy. All tall and lanky and tan. He was even starting to get little laugh lines at the corners of his eyes just like Dad. I rubbed his wiry, tightly muscled arms and blinked back the hot prick of tears. No sissy stuff. "You sure are handsome."
He frowned and paused to look me over. "What do you want?"
"Nothing." I apologized with a laugh. "I'm sorry for being such a bratty little shit to you. You didn't deserve it, Jace, and I owe you a huge apology. You mean the world to me. You always have."
"You were pretty awful, but I think you could make it up to me by giving me your truck." His expression was deadpan serious as Kane burst out laughing behind us. Then Jace's lips started to twitch and mine did, too. He'd been after my truck for years.
"Done!"
With a surprised chuckle, he gave me another hug. "Yeah, right. You look good. I guess Texas was alright then?"
"Aw well, now. Isn't this sweet," Colby called out from halfway down the drive.
I will not let him rile me. I will not let him rile me. I will not let him rile me. Every time I said my youngest brother's name, shades of Wisconsin Cheese commercials flashed through my head. I gave Jace a pat on the back and pushed him away. I could handle my baby brother. "Colby."
He joined us, standing with his bad arm resting on the hood of Jace's truck, the other propped on his hip, looking as cocky as a twenty-one-year-old bull rider could look. To my surprise, it suddenly struck me how much he looked like Daddy, too. Despite having Marlene's dishwater blond hair. He had the same square jaw and lean build, the same sharp cheekbones, but his mouth was his mother's and almost too pretty to belong to a man.
"Where is everyone?"
"Mom and Caron are in town. They had to have her wedding dress let out—again." Colby smirked.
Well, at least I wouldn't have to deal with Marlene yet. "Daddy?"
"Hiding in the barn as usual," he said with a roll of his eyes.
That earned Colby a frown. It was one thing to treat me like shit, but being disrespectful to Daddy was another matter.
"I'll go tell him you're here," Jace muttered, walking away.
I slung my purse over my shoulder and made to follow Jace.
"How's that knee?" Colby asked as I walked past him.
I glanced over my shoulder, giving in to the urge to wipe the perpetual, knowing smirk off his face. "You know it's a wonder you can ride bulls at all with your Mama's teat stuck in your mouth."
From a few steps ahead of me Jace busted out laughing. He laughed all the way to the house, while a chuckling Kane unloaded our gear. Colby disappeared after Jace.
I chose to follow Kane, and leaned against the porch railing with a chuckle. I'd gotten him good, obvious by his lack of response, and we all knew it. Kane gave me a high five then paused to rest his head on his knee. With a sigh I took in the nearby two-story rock and cedar house I'd grown up in, the nearby corral and barn, the cattle pens and the pastures dotted with snow. Everything looked the same...but different. It was a view that quickly sobered me. Maybe it was the thought of never seeing it again.
I sank down on the steps and Kane joined me after tossing our bags inside. "I'm gonna miss this."
He slung an arm around my shoulder. "Then don't go."
A lovely but unfortunately impractical sentiment. "You know it's not that easy". Using his knee as leverage, I stood. Hands in my pockets, I strolled down the road and across the muddy yard, which had never in all my years sported a spring of grass, to the corral where a half dozen ponies were penned up. Tails twitched and ears flickered as I climbed the bottom rung and stood watching them. One in particular seemed restless, a little brown spotted one. She was at least half paint. She was small but sturdy and watched me with an intelligent set of eyes as she restlessly moved around the pen. The barn door opened and Jace and Daddy came out to join me.
"What'cha thinking?" Jace asked with a nudge.
"Been a long time since I just...went for a ride." My ride with Zack's dad aside, but Jace didn't need to know about that.
"You seem...more relaxed," he said softly as Daddy propped a foot on the bottom fence.
"Not a one of 'ems broken in yet," Dad said, coming to lean on the fence on my other side. He hadn't even bothered with hello but that was his way.
"Maybe Jessy-lyn could give it a whirl," Colby quipped, appearing at Dad's other side. Apparently, he hadn't caught the hint.
Still riding a high from my earlier jab at Colby, I ignored him, instead gently nudging Jace in the side. "How about a ride, Bub?"
Dad spoke up before Jace could. "Your mother's given your old room to Cutter's mom, so you'll have to stay up at the cabin with Kane."
I gave Dad a freebie, letting the 'your mother' slide. My cheeks ached but the smile on my face never wavered as I turned to face Dad. "I was planning to anyway." Guess I'd have to figure out how to settle my differences with him sooner rather than later. "When's Glenna get here?"
Cutter's mother, Glenna, was a widow, a rancher in her own right with fifteen hundred acres outside of El Paso and a first class flirt.
"Tomorrow. Colby, you'll need to go pick her up from the airport." Dad's smile bordered on a smirk. Karma was a beautiful thing.
"There is no way I'm gonna be stuck in a truck for an hour and a half with that woman."
Glenna was a first-class flirt who made passes at anything that moved—anything with the right equipment, that is.
"I can go," I offered, though I didn't really mean it.
"No, Colby can go," Daddy said.
Turning back to Jace, I asked, "How about that ride?"
***
An hour later Jace and I pulled our mounts to a stop in the northern pastures after a game of horse tag that had left us muddy. Kane and Cutter had joined us briefly then left us behind.
I leaned over, whispering in Sampson's ear, telling him how much I'd missed him. I was out of breath, my cheeks chaffed from the brisk spring breeze. I hadn't even bothered with a hat, just a ballcap and sunglasses, jeans and a thick flannel shirt under my old Carhartt, my hair pulled back into a ponytail. Honestly, my good mood had even surprised me; the ride had definitely helped shake my melancholy.
I took a few more photos, including one of me and Jace with the mountains behind us. "For our grandkids."
"Who are you and what have you done with my sister?" Jace asked.
"What do you mean?" I countered, even though I had a pretty good idea what he meant.
"You're...different." He nudged his horse forward at a brisk walk and I followed suit. "You don't seem as restless, or edgy."
"You know I love you." I couldn't hold back a sad, watery smile. "No matter what. I got a lot on my mind, and a lot to settle before I leave here. Stuff that's...needed to be settled for a long time. And then, I have to do my thing," I said, my conviction growing with every word. "Right now, that means I need to find me some ranch land, then come back for my horses. And you have to do your thing; right now that means you rodeo."
"You're kind of scaring me, sis."
"I don't mean to, but I can't stay here. We both know that. I haven't decided anything but it's time for a change of pace is all."
Jace nodded as Cutter and Kane finally rejoined us. Enough with the chit-chat. I circled back around to Cutter and Jace, slapped Cutter's arm and kicked my mount, shouting, "You're it!"
***
Dear Jessa...I guess you know about Delaney—my new sister—and I guess this is me saying you were right. Some secrets just shouldn't stay secret. I bet you gloated all the way back to Montana. FWIW, Mom and Dad know about Travis.
I miss you. Come home soon.
Love Zack.
Dear Zack...
"Come home soon," kept echoing through my head as I stared at the blinking cursor, trying to figure out what to say. I'd showered after my ride, then booted up my laptop, hoping for a minute to read his email. The clock was ticking; soon Kane would be pounding on my bedroom door.
Dear Zack,
Trust me. No gloating here. Not even a little. I don't even know where to begin, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay. Angry, but okay. I think I owe you some sort of explanation.
By the time I finished what was probably the longest email I'd ever written, my anger at Kane had dissipated even more. I could almost hear Zack in my head imparting some artistic bit of wisdom.
And dinner, well, dinner was...tense. But that was to be expected. My presence was unannounced and unwelcome by my step-mother and Caron, who kept Cutter pinned to her side once we got back from our ride. My little sister had a lot of growing up to do and Cutter was just the man to make it happen.
"Jessa, how long are you planning on staying?" Marlene asked.
"Just through the wedding." I winked at Jace across the table from me.
"Then what?" Daddy asked from the other end of the table.
The flip, happy, over-confident side of me wanted to say move to Texas and buy a ranch, but the truth was I had no definite plans and I wasn't about to put all my cards out on the table in front of Marlene so that she could pick me apart. "Sell my condo. Settle down somewhere. Maybe down in Texas."
"The Gulf is nice," Kane murmured from beside me. I didn't miss the slight tinge of laughter in his voice either. Kane had no love for Marlene, same as me; he'd only come because he was Cutter's best man.
"You and Kane finally going to settle down?" Marlene asked.
For the briefest moment you could have heard a pin drop, then I laughed at the irony and stupidity of it all. All these years and they had no idea who Kane really was and I wasn't about to tell them. Not yet. I ignored her question. "I suppose I could get a job on one of those fishing boats if the horse breeding thing doesn't take."
"God, not that one we went out on year before last. When was that, Thanksgiving?"
"Haaaaaa, yes. I thought for sure that old thing was gonna come apart on us but it didn't. And you caught that dang shark, too." I smiled over at Daddy and said, "We had shark for Thanksgiving, no chestnuts, no cornbread stuffing." The memory, a good one, made me smile. We'd had a great Thanksgiving. The realization that we could have gone to Louisiana and been with family sobered me and my smile faded.
Dad looked positively grim, almost as if he'd read my mind, and then he said, "That's an awful long way from home."
"Yup." My anger at two of the most important men in my life simmered below the surface. "You sound surprised."
Daddy slowly lowered his eyes to his plate and resumed eating his pot roast.
"Maybe this year we can spend the holiday in Louisiana with your family," I said to Kane.
He flinched, then turned his attention to his plate. "If you want."
"Oh my God," Marlene muttered. "You two are settling down then."
"I never said that."
"Then what are you saying, Jessalyn?" Dad sighed and sat back in his chair. "I thought you'd come home and help run the ranch."
"You know better than that, Dad. We both do."
"Happy trails, sis," Colby said.
"Grow up, Colby and stop being such a jealous little baby." Ignoring the slightly panicked vibes I was picking up from Jace, I returned my attention to my dinner.
"I'll thank you to remember whose table you're sitting at, young lady." Marlene's voice could have fractured ice cubes.
"Yes, ma'am, I surely do. It's Dad's table and Dad's land. And before that, it was my granddaddy's land. Shall I continue?"
"Don't smart-mouth your mother," Daddy growled, his eyes still downcast.
I'd given him one but giving him two was impossible. Under the table I felt Kane's hand gently squeezing my knee. I jerked my leg away.
"She's not my mother."
***
When I got back to the cabin, I had an email waiting for me from Zack.
Dear Jessa,
When shit hits the fan, it really flies, huh? I understand your anger. I don't blame you one bit, and again, I'm not upset with you for leaving. If I'd found out what you did and then got hit with Delaney, I'd probably have taken off too. I want you to know that. I wish I had a simple solution for you but all I have is this: Sometimes we have to make the best decision we can—and then we have to live with them. Like the decision I made about Travis, like the decision my parents made about Delaney, and even like the decision your cousin, Kane, made to not be completely honest with you.
I get that you're torn over being forced into retirement, and for what it's worth, I'm not sure I could have watched you ride. It probably would have scared the crap out of me. :) As for the rest, I know you'll figure it out. I have faith in you. So does Aunt Susie.
We miss you. See you soon.
Love Zack
After I was done, I went out to join Kane on the front porch.
"Lil' Bit, that was quite a performance at the supper table. It even topped your game of tag."
Kane left his chair and took a seat beside me on the porch steps and handed me a glass half full of scotch.
"Amazing how I just suddenly don't give a shit anymore." With a hmmpf, I sipped my scotch, letting it slide down my throat. "I'm tired, John," I said, using his given name for once. "Tired of all of this."
The sun was gone and I was thankful for the thick jacket I'd confiscated from my room while Marlene washed dishes. I'd also grabbed an extra pair of boots and a couple pairs of old jeans. It was sad, but there wasn't much else in there for me to take. I wondered what Marlene had done with all my old trophies and ribbons.
"Then why did you come? Why are you here? You said you weren't coming." Squeezing my shoulder, he added, "You look good, by the way. What's his name?"
"His who," I murmured in my glass.
"His whoever it is that put that swing in your hips."
"My hips don't swing." I punched him in the arm hard enough to get a grunt from him for my efforts.
"They do now," he said with a laugh.
"You know why I'm here; I came to talk to you...and Dad," I said softly. Then I told Kane all about Zack. Everything. Including that I'd slept with him. "You know what I was thinking about during dinner?"
"Louisiana."
"Yeah, and all those Thanksgivings and Christmases that I missed." It wasn't a dig. Just the truth of the matter. I loved him. He was my oldest and dearest friend. Eventually I'd get over it all, but some things just needed to be said.
He stepped inside the cabin and returned with the bottle, pouring more in both our glasses and sitting beside me. I looked into the pale green eyes of my best, oldest and dearest friend and thought about it as tears slipped down my cheeks. About the family that apparently wasn't mine to have and the circumstances I'd never be able to change. About myself and my career. Deep down inside, I could finally admit I was glad to retire, as much as it hurt me to disappoint my father. I now knew I couldn't make him love me by rodeoing. I couldn't make him love me at all. I had no career, no job, other than my singing gig at the dancehall, and even that was up in the air. I was adrift, but in some ways, I felt more peaceful than I had in years.
In some ways, I suppose John Kane was also a part of my history. A huge part. A bigger part than I'd ever imagined.
"I've got something for you." He fished a tiny pouch out of his pocket and handed it to me. I dried my face and then opened it up. Inside was a plain gold chain, nothing fancy, with a plain cross on it. "Was it hers?"
"Granny Jo's? Yeah."
"You know this doesn't make up for anything." But I handed it back to him, turned and lifted my hair so he could put it on me. He did, his fingers sending a shiver down my spine.
"I wish I'd known. I just wish I'd known," I said, trying to visualize the life I might have had if Dad had sent me to live with my grandparents. I set my glass down, and hugging my coat around me, stood. "I need to be alone."
"I understand."
It was late and full dark, so I didn't wander far thanks to the possibility of predators. Occasionally I'd hear a car drive by on the county road, but for the most part, it was peaceful—the exact opposite of how I felt on the inside. A light breeze carrying God's perfume—grass, earth, and animals—ruffled my hair. I stood at the holding pen near the house for the longest time, my eyes closed, letting the night sounds and animal sounds clear the fog in my head.
Up at the house, a light came on. The last thing I wanted right then was company.
By the time I got back from my walk, Kane was stretched out on the couch snoring his head off.
***
I slept in the following day, then spent the rest of the morning trying to avoid both Colby and Marlene. My luck ran out though and the walk from the cabin to the house was shorter than I would have liked. Two of Daddy's hands, plus Colby, Jace, Kane and Cutter, worked on the tent for the reception while some women from town sat up on the porch with Marlene putting together silk flower arrangements. Every now and then Marlene would look up and yell some comment or another about it being crooked or off center.
"Morning, Sunshine." Jace stopped long enough to give me a quick, sweaty hug.
"Do they have some sort of backup plan in case the weather turns?" I asked, motioning to the muddy ground.
"Not my problem," Jace said with a snicker.
I shook my head and tugged my quilted flannel shirt around me, wishing I'd grabbed my coat. The warm early-May sun didn't do much good against a chilly spring breeze.
"Nice of you to finally join us." Colby turned, hands propped on his hips.
Between my slight hangover, fatigue and my sore knee from all the driving and my ride yesterday afternoon, I was not in the mood, and it took everything I had to keep from grabbing the hammer out of his hands and wiping the perpetual smirk off his face. No way would I give Little Mama's Boy the satisfaction of scrapping with him, especially in front of his mother.
Instead, I gave him my most angelic smile. "You need someone to supervise?"
Kane snickered. "I haven't seen your dad all morning, sugar."
"Sugar? Since when is she your sugar?" Colby sneered.
I glanced at Kane and shrugged, my jaw aching from the forced smile. I shook my head 'no' just the tiniest bit at him and he nodded. He'd stand down unless it got out of hand. Even after all our talking and fussing, he still had my back. He, at least, was still family.
"You too good to give us a hand or what?"
He just wasn't gonna let up.
"She can't with her shoulder," Jace said.
"Oh yeah," he said with a harsh laugh. "How's it feel to know you'll never win the All-Around? What's it like to be a washout at twenty-five?"
Kane looked grim, his lips pressed in a thin, tight line. And I knew his eyes, shaded by his ball cap, were narrowed into slits.
Colby threw down his hammer and stepped closer. Something had put him in a bad mood and he was obviously spoiling for a fight, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction. Not the kind of fight he wanted, anyway.
"I'm twenty-six," I finally said.
The clucking on the porch stopped. Jace looked like he'd swallowed a chicken. The two hands looked ready to run— as long as they'd been with Daddy, the poor guys knew about my temper and my feud with Colby.
Colby's smirk turned into a frown of confusion and, behind him, Kane's lips twitched. "Huh?"
"You asked me what it was like to be a washout at twenty-five. I'm twenty-six." With a slow shake of my head, I stepped closer, not even trying to hold back the bubble of near-hysterical laughter. I raked my fingers through my hair, pushing it back off my face, feeling lighter than I had in a long time. Freer. "And the last time I checked, I had five gold buckles to my name. Buckles bigger than your sorry, pimply ass that say I'm a five-time World Saddle Bronc Champ."
His frown became a scowl as everyone behind him laughed. And from the porch steps I heard more laughter—from the women, and one deep baritone that echoed across the yard. Daddy.
I tilted my head to the side and in my sweetest voice, I asked, "How many do you have again?"
He shoved me and I went down ass over tea kettle, doing my best to stay off my left shoulder.
"That's enough, Colby Aloysius Stratton," Daddy hollered, stepping down into the yard.
Kane helped me up and I dusted myself off. I wasn't fighting. I couldn't afford to scrap with Colby, not after all the time I'd spent in physical therapy. By the time I got my bearings, Colby and Jace were rolling around on the ground. Dad was hollering for them to stop. And there was a car coming up the drive.
Knowing my luck it was the minister come for some last-minute something or other about the wedding. Great!
I sighed, catching Cutter's eye and motioning for him to step in.
"I'm not getting married with a black eye!"
"Colby's cast!"
If he hit Jace with that cast, he could do all kinds of damage—to the both of them. By the time it was all over it had taken two of the hands, Cutter and Kane to pull the both of them apart. They'd ignored Daddy and Marlene, who kept yelling for them to stop. And now the two hands held Colby while Kane and Cutter kept Jace in check. From behind me came the sound of a car door slamming followed by footsteps in the gravel.
"Well, Jessa, seems like you set a new record," Marlene said. "It took you a whole twenty-four hours to cause a commotion."
All I could do was shrug. "Yes, ma'am, sure looks that way."
"This wasn't Jessa's fault," Jace panted as he dusted off his jeans.
"Don't make excuses for her. It's always Jessa's fault." Marlene now stood beside Daddy, her arms folded across her chest.
"Help you, son?" Daddy asked.
The hair at the nape of my neck tingled. Literally tingled. I swallowed hard and caught Kane's eye. He just grinned back at me. My jaw clenched and my lips formed a tight smile as I turned around to find Zack standing a few feet behind me.
"Look at you, causing trouble," he said softly.
I'll admit, the smile on his face turned me to mush. I threw back my head and laughed, hard and long while Daddy kept asking who he was and how I knew him.
"Always," I gasped, then laughed some more. Finally, I calmed down enough to close the distance between us and throw my arms around his neck. His hands were around me in an instant, pulling me against the solid length of him, and then his lips were on mine and it didn't matter that my entire family was watching us because I'd missed him and I'd missed this. "I guess I just can't help myself."
"Neither can I," he said just before he kissed me again.
"Jessalyn!" That was Marlene.
"Leave her be." That was Kane.
"They don't know about Kane," I whispered when he finally let me up for air. Zack nodded in understanding. "Now, what are you doing here?"
"I said I'd see you soon."
"Yeah but, your family, Travis..."
"They're fine. They don't need me and I missed you." He tucked my hair behind my ear, glanced down and then back up at me. "I was afraid you wouldn't come back."
"I was afraid you didn't want me to come back after all the trouble I caused."
"I always wanted you." His lips twitched. "I'm just not sure I can handle you."
My cheeks grew warm as a soft whistle to my right caught my attention. I turned to find Jace standing with his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow cocked. "This is Zack."
"I see that."
"Be nice," I said as he stepped closer and stuck out his hand.
"I'm always nice" His expression said otherwise.
"Keep an eye on him. I have some business to take care of."
With a deep breath I whirled around to face Colby, who stood with blood dripping from his nose, and Dad, who stood a lot closer to Zack and me than I'd expected. "I may never win the All-Around, you little shit, but I've set world records you'll never beat. No matter what you do, no matter what you accomplish, you'll never top me because I'm a woman. And for five years I dominated a male-dominated sport. You can't top that. You'll never be better than me, Colby, and it eats at your gut. Daddy." I turned so I stood directly in front of him, my hands on my hips.
"What is it, Jessa," he sighed, looking more than a little shell-shocked at my outburst and Zack's presence. I'd never, in thirteen years, brought a man around. Except Kane, but that was different.
"I need to see you in the barn. Now." What I had to say was between us and no one else. I stalked past him and across the yard, whirling on him as soon as we were alone and the door slammed behind us. "Did you hear what I said to Colby?"
"Every word." A smile I didn't understand teased his lips.
"Good. You do realize that applies to you, too?"
He frowned and opened his mouth to speak but I beat him to the punch. "I don't appreciate the way you treated me after my accident."
"I know. But Marlene—" If anything, Daddy looked even paler, as if even he knew how pitiful he sounded. "There were blizzards coming."
"Blizzards? I. Nearly. Died! I nearly died and you abandoned me. Why? You owe me that much."
He just shook his head and turned away.
"You might think I'm not shit cause I can't ride anymore, but I am something—" I circled around to stand in front of him, my temper growing. He wasn't getting off that easily. "Look at me. Look at me, Dad." I waited until he raised his eyes before continuing. "Just in case you didn't hear me earlier, my name is Jessalyn Hope Stratton and I'm a five-time PRA World Saddle Bronc Champion. I'm the only female roughstock world champion in PRA history, and you might not be proud of me, but I am. I am proud of me," I shouted at the top of my lungs, causing a few horses to stomp their feet. "Despite the fact that I rodeoed for you, not myself. I gave you thirteen years of my life. I'm done. And I'm glad. I'm glad it's over. You got thirteen, Daddy, but the rest are mine. All mine."
He opened his mouth a couple times like a fish gasping for air, and then finally said, "I am, too." His words stopped me cold. "I never meant...I never meant for you to ride roughstock. Certainly not for so long. I never meant for you to take it as far as you did. I figured you'd quit after high school and settle down with some local boy. Maybe help me run the ranch."
"You never meant—" I slowly shook my head and sighed, my sadness and anger just as strong as before. "You never said. You never even said you were proud of me." I held up a hand at his open mouth, refusing to let him speak yet. "And if you think that Marlene would let me help run the ranch, Dad, you're delusional. You know, you should have sent me to Mom's family. You really should have, and I'll never understand why you didn't."
"Because I loved her so much."
My mother. It didn't take a genius to figure out that was talking about my mother. I'd asked him once if he'd loved her like he loved Marlene, but he'd said no, he'd loved her differently. "You weren't the only one who loved her. Her family loved her, too. You, Daddy, you were selfish. And now, it's my turn to be selfish."
"That man?"
I nodded. "He's the reason I'm going to Texas."
He smiled a little, but it was a sad smile. "I always thought it was Kane."
"Nope, Daddy. It was never Kane."
I walked out of the barn, ready to go home.