You made it seem so easy
just walking out the door
the way you did.
How could I think otherwise
When you never called
(once a year doesn’t count)
Or when you never financially supported us,
forcing us to live with what we could.
I still remember that night
I cried ‘till my eyes felt like fire,
burned by my own tears;
And me?
Well, I tried to feel empty—
Much better than
being filled with
pain.
The years after that
were a struggle;
Gloomy at the thought
of you not being here
watching me grow up.
But I still lived on
learning how to survive without you.
And I thought I was
doing just fine…
That was until you came back.
And now all those nights
over the past years
that I’ve spent crying—
They all return to me
like a ghost returning home for haunting,
And now I cry many nights
all over again.
It’s funny how you think
it’s all better now that you are back,
but really I feel nothing:
not happiness in your return,
not satisfaction in you offering yourself
to stand by my side.
All these years,
the meaning of your name
has been empty to me.
And love too has vanished,
And you have yet
to win it back.
You see,
when you had left all those years ago,
a scar was carved into my heart.
When you hardly ever called—
Scars were engraved into my
already bleeding heart.
When all that ever came from your mouth was lies,
never-ending lies,
More revolting scars.
When it felt like you never earnestly cared,
Scars, scars, scars.
I now have to learn how to live with you here
And it has taken some time
But finally,
I am doing just fine.
Perhaps you have come back
And the scars are slowly mending
allowing me to live
a content life
with you by my side.
But you can’t forget
that scars are scars
and even if I don’t feel
the pain any longer—
The scars will always be here.