I woke with Nicolae's arm wrapped around my waist just the way I liked it. I loved waking up with him even though I had only done it once before.
"How are you feeling?" He asked. His voice didn't sound gruff; I assumed he had been awake for awhile.
"Much better," I responded with a smile.
I stretched out a little and pushed my back closer to his bare chest.
"You can't forget to eat like that," he scolded.
I scoffed. "It was your fault I didn't eat."
"My fault?"
"You barged in and prevented me from eating dinner."
"I suppose you're right. You should have said something sooner though."
"I wasn't speaking to you."
I could practically feel his eyes rolling at my statement. I suppose it was childish, but it was well deserved.
"I'm going to shower," he said. He started to pull away and kissed my shoulder.
"Where's Carol at?" I called.
"Next door."
With a click of the bathroom door I threw the covers off and crawled to the end of the bed. I pulled my bag up and dug my toothbrush and toothpaste out. I still didn't feel the greatest, but at least it wasn't the crippling weakness I felt last night.
I brushed my teeth and put on my shoes to walk next door.
I knocked on Carol's door, but Alexandru answered.
"Where's Carol?" I asked.
"Sleeping," he nodded his head back to Carol's sleeping figure on the bed.
I pushed past him and went to the bed. I didn't know if she heard me or was just on edge, but she sat up just as I approached the bed. I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. It wasn't that I thought Alexandru would do something to her. I just didn't know for sure that he wouldn't.
"Hey," she said, her voice thick with sleep.
"Hey."
I tossed Alexandru a look that told him he should leave us alone. He took the hint and disappeared in the bathroom. I heard the shower start and turned back to Carol.
"I was super sick last night," I said.
"What happened? Are you okay now?"
I nodded. "I'm fine now. It was weird. It started in the car and by the time we got to the room I was dizzy and nauseous. I almost passed out."
"Holly," she scolded. Her eyes widened as if something dawned on her. "When did you and Nicolae start having sex?"
I laughed. "I'm not pregnant!"
"You're not on the pill," she reminded.
"Well, no, but we use a condom every time."
"That doesn't always work."
Fear was the closest emotion I felt. There was no way. At least, I didn't think there was. We were careful every time. The last thing either of us wanted or needed was a baby to complicate things more. That would just be the icing on the fucking cake for this shit show I was calling life.
"I mean, the first time we had sex was a little over a month ago," I said quietly.
She shook her head slowly. She knew I had a really irregular period because of how much I danced. There were times I didn't have my period for a few months then it would be regular for a few months.
"I don't know, Holly. I think you should take a test."
"How the hell am I going to get one?"
She paused as she thought.
Alexandru came out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel. He offered me a shy smile telling me he knew I was probably furious with him too.
"Alexandru," I said calmly. "I need you to do something for me."
"What do you need?" He asked carefully.
"You have to swear you won't tell Nicolae."
He looked slightly uncomfortable with my stipulation. I didn't care though. I wanted this ridiculous fear out of my head before I let it spin out of control.
"That depends on what it is," he trailed.
I bit my lip. "I need a pregnancy test."
A smile broke on his lips. "You do?"
"Don't tell him. I'm pretty sure I'm not, but I just want to make sure."
"Yes, of course. I'll go right now."
He threw his shoes and jacket on and practically ran out of the room. He was far too excited for my likings.
I threw myself back on the bed next to Carol. She lightly stroked my hair as she sat up further on the pillows.
"I should have told you," she said quietly.
I turned slightly so I could see her. "No, you shouldn't have. Nicolae told me the less I know the better and I think he's right."
She nodded. "He is. So what are you going to do if you're pregnant?"
I groaned. "I have no idea. It'll be a total fucking disaster."
"It'll be fine. You'd make a great mother."
I scoffed. "The hell I would. I would be a shitty mother and you know it."
"You don't give yourself enough credit. I think you would be amazing."
"Seriously doubt it."
She laughed lightly, but left it alone. She kept playing with my hair as we waited for Alexandru to get back. I didn't know where a store was, but I didn't hear any cars so I assumed it was close enough to walk.
As the minutes ticked by I felt the knot of nerves twist in my stomach. Damn Carol working me up over nothing.
Finally, Alexandru barged back in the room. His cheeks were tinged pink by the freezing morning temperature.
"Here," he said as he handed me a plastic bag. "I didn't know what to get so I grabbed a couple different ones."
I opened the bag to find three different brands of tests. "Is Nicolae in my room?"
He shook his head. "Went to check out."
"Did you tell him?" I asked.
"Nope. Said Carol needed feminine products."
I laughed at his refusal to say tampons. Damn men.
Carol offered a light smile and went to take a shower. I left Alexandru alone in their room and went back to my empty room.
I headed straight for the bathroom and opened the test that looked like the easiest to read.
I set the test on the top of the toilet tank, refusing to look at it until it was ready.
I waited for what seemed like forever before I mustered up the courage to set it on my lap.
My chest constricted and my heart pounded. Staring me back in the face was that God awful plus sign.
This could not be happening. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be pregnant. I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks as I thought about how every hope and dream I had was crushed with two fucking lines. Forget dancing professionally. That would never happen.
And what would Nicolae think? He lost one child. I seriously doubted he wanted to go through something like that again. What if it wasn't healthy? I drank wine almost every night the last month. I mean, it was only a glass, but it was still alcohol.
I wiped my tears and ripped open another brand of test. Maybe it was a false positive. I prayed that was a thing.
I forced myself to pee again. Even though it wasn't much, I stared down at the test and almost instantly those two fucking lines appeared.
This was just my fucking luck. I tossed the rest in the trash next to me and gripped my two positive tests.
How could this have happened? We were so careful. Apparently fate had other plans for me.
I went back into the room and tried to think of the best way to tell Nicolae. I couldn't keep that kind of information from him. It was his baby too. It seemed wrong to keep it from him.
I paced over the navy carpet, probably burning holes in it, trying to figure out how to tell him. My hand absently rubbed my stomach. I knew there wasn't anything there, but I felt like I could feel it in there.
Nicolae came through the door and gave me a look like I was doing something bizarre.
"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice weary.
I shook my head. He cocked his head to the side, examining me carefully. "What's wrong?"
I opened my mouth to respond, but I burst into tears instead.
"Holland, it's okay," he said. I wondered if he thought I was insane.
His thick, muscular arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the world.
"It's okay, căpșună," he murmured.
I shook my head. "You don't understand," I sobbed. I clung to his shirt like a lifeline.
"What don't I understand?"
I pulled away from him and with a shaky hand I brought up the test results. He glanced down at my hand, clearly confused, but took them from me.
"What is," he trailed off as he finally realized exactly what I was showing him.
"You're pregnant?" He asked. I wished he was easier to read. I wished I knew what he was thinking.
I nodded as I tried to stop myself from crying.
"Why are you upset?" He asked softly.
"You're not upset?" I asked in disbelief.
He shook his head with a light smile. "It is unexpected and the worst time possible, but I love you, căpșună."
I shook my head. "I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this."
"You're not considering an abortion, are you?" There was an edge to his voice that I hadn't heard before. It was like he would have been extremely angry if I answered incorrectly.
"Of course not. I couldn't do that."
He seemed relieved by the fact that I didn't believe in abortion. I couldn't have done it if I wanted to. It wasn't a religious thing for me; it was a moral issue.
"We will be fine, Holland. You know what this means though, don't you?"
"What?"
"You're stuck with me now," he said as he ran his hands up my arms. He brought one hand up to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"Stuck with you?"
"A child needs both parents and I need you. I can't lose you, Holland."
I sniffled. "Yeah, well, I'm pretty hard to get rid of in case you missed that."
He laughed lightly and pressed his lips to mine. The connection was instant. With Nicolae's support, I felt like I was more capable. I still felt like I was completely incapable of raising a child, but I didn't have a choice. It was happening and there was nothing I could do about it now.
"You're not . . ." I tried to think of the best way to phrase it without bringing up the fact that he did have a daughter.
"You're worried about my daughter," he said softly.
I nodded.
"That was almost thirteen years ago. She stopped growing at five months. By the time she was delivered we came to terms with it."
"Did your ex wife really die?"
"Unfortunately, no."
I smirked. "Unfortunately?"
"She is alive and well. I am sure you will meet her at some point."
I grimaced. "I don't want to meet your ex wife."
He laughed. "Yes, well, with Alexandru around, Katya is around."
"Still."
"We both wanted out of the marriage, Holland. There was nothing there if that is your concern."
I didn't want to admit that that was my concern, but it was.
"Then why did you tell me she was dead?" I asked bitterly.
He sighed. "Katerina is . . . She has an interesting sense of humor. Before the night we met you, she thought it would be funny to see how much she could tell you before you caught on to something being off. If I didn't go along with her game you would have known something was wrong from the start."
"And that's going to be our child's aunt?" I asked incredulously.
"Unfortunately. My sister is not a bad person. She just has a sick sense of humor."
"Whatever you say," I muttered.
"She does like you," he offered.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. We'll see how long that lasts."
"She doesn't change her opinion of people often. She thinks you're a strong woman. You were willing to take on a twelve year old girl to be with me. That says a lot about your character."
"I think it says more about how you affect me than my character."
He smiled at me. "So stubborn."
I shrugged. I didn't think I was being stubborn. I was being honest. I was secretly happy he didn't have any children. It was selfish and I felt like a horrible person, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to deal with step children. The only reason I had been willing to do it was because of him.
Now we were having our own child. The thought of me being a parent was a fucking joke. I was going to seriously mess up this kid. I just knew it. Christ, I didn't even fully understand what Nicolae's position in the Romanian government was. What if he was a black hand or something insane like that? What if I got knocked up by an assassin? I wanted our child to live a normal life. I didn't want them to have fugitive parents or end up country hopping.
"How is this going to work?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"The American government wants me dead."
"You're not their main concern. It was more important to take care of Carol first and if you escaped it wasn't a big deal. You're fine as long as you don't know anything."
"Are you sure?" I hesitated.
"I'm sure. Once Carol is set in Russia, you and I can settle in Romania."
"Together?" I asked.
"Of course."
"I hope you know we're not getting married just because we're having a baby."
He frowned. "We are going to get married because we love each other."
Marriage was pushing it. We had only been together for a month and he was talking about marriage? I agreed with him to a point; I wanted our child to have both parents and I wanted us to set a good example of what a relationship should be. But marriage?
I shook my head in order to clear my thoughts. "Look, I know you were raised in a different culture, but we've only been together for a month."
"I was raised differently. As far back as my family can be traced there have always been arranged marriages. I am sure that one day very soon Katerina will be married off. It's what my family does."
"Yeah, I get that, but I wasn't raised that way. I was taught to take my time and make sure it was the right man."
"Do you think I'm the wrong man?" He asked curiously.
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
"And you love me?"
"Yeah," I trailed.
"Then I don't see the issue."
I exhaled roughly. "You make it sound like such a business transaction. I don't want to get married because I ended up pregnant."
"That's not," he stopped himself before he let frustration set it. "We will discuss it later. For now, let's get out of the country."
I nodded hesitantly. I was sure I wanted to be with Nicolae. I was sure I loved him. Hell, I was even sure I wanted to marry him someday, but not after just a month of being together. That was reckless. I think. I didn't know.
Then again, what was the point in waiting? If I was so sure then why wait?
I wondered if his family would like me. What if his parents hated me? Maybe they were dead and I wouldn't have to deal with that.
"You're okay?" He asked carefully.
"Absolutely not, but there's nothing I can do about it now," I answered honestly. I didn't want to be dishonest with him. I wasn't happy to be in that situation, but apparently we were careless and we needed to accept the responsibility. I knew I would eventually come to terms with it, but I doubted it would be any time soon.
"Close enough," he said with a warm smile.
I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. He was trying to make it feel okay which was all I could really ask for. He could have been furious or demanded I get an abortion, but he accepted it with open arms. Personally, it was the best situation to ask for. If all outside factors were gone and we were a normal couple, the situation was ideal.
"We have a long day of driving ahead of us. I would like to make it into Louisiana tonight."
I bit my lip and ran my hands up his chest. "So I have to spend all day thinking about you and not able to do anything about it?"
He smirked and gripped my wrists, pulling them up over his shoulders. I hooked my fingers together behind his neck and pulled up to my toes to kiss him. His hands rested on my hips as held pulled me in closer. I think he secretly loved the fact that I could stand on my toes to eliminate his having to lean over too far. I loved that he always held some of my weight so it felt effortless to stand on my toes.
He barely pulled away from my lips, but what that kiss did to him did not go unnoticed by me. I couldn't help that I always wanted him.
"You'll just have to wait, căpșună. We need to make it at least half way through Louisiana by midnight."
"How are we getting into Mexico?" I asked curiously.
"According to all of your new paperwork, you are my wife and we do not exist in this country as citizens. We're simply on vacation, taking a road trip through America with a brief detour to Mexico."
"You made me a fake passport?" I asked flatly.
"Don't be ridiculous. I had someone else make you a new passport."
"Oh, yes. Because that would be ridiculous to think that you would do it yourself," I said sarcastically.
He laughed. "I changed all of your information electronically though. When they run your passport it will show a Romanian history. Your life in America will never come up."
"Really?" I asked, slightly amazed that he could do that.
"Yes. Holland Williams will be assumed dead if it hasn't happened already."
"You haven't talked to Katerina?"
"Not yet. She will call when she is on her way."
I nodded absently. "So what should I know about this new life?"
"I kept all details the same. It is important to stay as close to the truth as possible. Both biological parents were military, mother died in a car accident when you were ten, father died two months ago. You have a step mother named Katherine Williams. Carol was a little trickier so we simply changed her first name. Your last name was so common there was no need to switch it."
"What exactly do you do for Romania, Nico? The truth. I need to know."
"Officially, I am exactly what I told you."
"Unofficially?" I asked.
"Unofficially, I am sent into situations like this to collect intel and eliminate the issue."
I swallowed hard at his explanation. "So you're an assassin."
He rolled his eyes. "No, Holland. I won't lie to you. I have killed before and if it came to it I would do it again, but it is usually a matter of getting back whatever the person took. Typically my missions are discreet and go completely unnoticed which is what I want."
"When you say you've killed," I asked quietly. "Do you mean in the military or paid?"
"Military. It was only when necessary. If you were in danger I would not hesitate to kill the threat."
"You would kill someone over me?" I asked, astonished. I didn't expect anyone to kill for me. I didn't know that I wanted it.
"Yes," he answered without hesitation. "You matter more than anything, căpșună. Don't you know that?"
I shrugged. "I didn't know I mattered that much."
"You are carrying our child, Holland. Of course I am going to do everything I can to protect you."
"But not if it means you getting hurt," I said pointedly. I wanted to make sure he understood that I didn't want him to put himself in danger if it saved me.
He smiled and slid his hand over my cheek. "Sure, Holland," his tone was as sarcastic as ever and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"You want to talk about being stubborn," I said pointedly.
"We need to get on the road and get you some breakfast."
I nodded. "I'm starving."
"You're always hungry."
"Well, I'm eating for two," I said with a light smile.
He returned my smile, probably relieved that I was accepting my pregnancy. "That you are."