Dedicated to @ SummerFlinn
My mind wandered, not exactly listening or understanding what Congressman Mercado was talking about. I'm bored with this never ending talk of politics that all I could think right now is to retire to my room and rest. Pero hindi ko magagawa iyun, not when this dinner party that my Mother threw is for my behalf.
Kaya laking pasalamat ko ng may tumawag sa Congressman at nagpaalam ito sa amin at naiwan kami nila Bryan.
"You look tired." Liza stated when she heard me sigh. "Hindi ka ba nakakatulog ng maayos?"
"Oo nga Kuya, nangangalumata ka na naman. You know it's not good for your health kung kulang ka sa tulog. You should take a pill if you have problem sleeping." added my sister.
I did not answer. Not to cause them to worry because they always do. They watched me like a hawk when it comes to my health, I guess that's what I get kung puro doctor ang mga kabigan ko. Hindi ko masabi sa kanila na kaya ako kulang sa tulog dahil nagigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi dahil sa panaginip ko.
Almost a week since I started having this same, weird dream, na hindi ko naman maintindihan kung ano ito.
It was always foggy.
In my dream, I was desperately calling something or someone pero hindi ko makita kung ano ang hinahanap ko. But the feeling of despair always lingers in me after I woke up, na hindi na ako nakakatulog hanggang sa abutin na ako ng umaga.
Napahugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "Do you know what is pangs?" I blurted, baka alam nila kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng salitang iyun.
I frowned when no one said anything. Everyone is staring at me like I'm going crazy, na nagsisisi tuloy ako kung bakit naisipan ko itong tanungin.
Pangs
The word sounds foolish and stupid.
"B-bakit Lex, s-saan mo na encounter yung salitang yan?" si Liza.
I shrugged my shoulder, to cover my embarrassment. "I heard it somewhere but I forgot where." I lied.
They would laugh at me pag sinabi kong ito ang salita na tinatawag ko, sinisigaw ko sa panaginip ko, iniiyakan ko.
"Sandali lang, pupuntahan ko lang si Dave, he looks like he's bored and need to be rescued. " nagmamadaling palaam ni Olivia.
"Wait Liv! sama ako sa'yo. Baka makalimutan ko, may importanteng itatanong pala ako kay Dave." si Liza.
"Lex, samahan ko muna yung dalawa. Babalik din kami kaagad." paalam din ni Bryan, hindi na hinintay ang sagot ko at basta na rin mabilis na sumunod sa dalawa.
Naiwan akong mag isa na nakatayo sa tabi. My eyes following them, confused kung bakit nagmamadaling umalis yung tatlo papunta kung saan, kausap ni Dave ang grupo ng mga mayor at kongresista.
I glanced across the room to the people busy talking and drinking to distract myself. Kanya kanyang kumpol ng grupo ang mga bisita, nagpapayabangan ng mga proyektong nagawa nila o plano pa lang gagawin, bawat isa gustong mapabilib ang kaharap nilang kapwa pulitiko.
Each trying to outdo the others, a common sickness of a politician. I thought dryly.
My eyes shifted to the table where my parents are seated with Senator Bautista. I nodded my head to my father when our eyes met. In return, he smiled at me proudly, masaya ito dahil kinumpirma ko na ngayong gabi sa harap ng mga kapartido namin of my intention to run for senatorial race, and the party welcomed my declaration with applause.
They are pleased with my decision. They have too much faith in my popularity, na ngayon pa lang sigurado na silang mananalo ako. Para sa partido, isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito, additional confirm seats for our party in the senate. To remain the majority party.
A burst of laughter caught my attention na napatingin ako sa pinanggalingan nito and saw Janet with the politician's wives. They were giggling and laughing.
I'm glad Janet is enjoying herself. Looking at her now, the way she's comfortable socializing with these people, people that belong in politics, I can't help but think of what my Mother told me every time she nagged me to settle down, that Janet is perfect for the role of a politician's wife.
Lalo na ngayon, that I'm going to run for senator, there's more pressure for me to get married. For voters, a married man looks more stable and responsible compared to a bachelor, ayun sa mga magulang ko.
I sighed and rubbed my thumb and forefinger to my temple.
I felt the growing pain in my head with all these noise. I grabbed the glass of wine from the waiter na dumaan sa harap ko and went outside to take a breath of fresh air. Wala pang isang minuto akong nagpapahangin ng mapangiwi ako sa sobrang sakit. Pinatong ko ang kopeta sa balustre at mabilis na kinuha ang bote ng gamot in my breast pocket, nanginginig ang kamay na binuksan ko ito. Hindi ko na alam kong ilang piraso ng tabletas ang nasa palad ko at basta ko na lang sinubo ang mga ito. I downed the pills with wine.
I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for the pain to subside. I suffered this splitting head ache almost every day that I became dependent to my pain killer.
Headache caused by the bullet embedded in my brain.
"Alex, honey. Anong ginagawa mo dito sa labas?" nag alalang tanong ni Janet, sumunod pala ito sa akin.
Agad na hinawakan ng dalawang kamay niya ang mukha ko. "Sumasakit na naman ba ang ulo mo?" she asked me worriedly.
"I'm okay, I already took my meds." I removed her hand in my face and clasped it with my own. Kahit paano unti-unti ng umeepekto ang gamot.
"Are you sure hon?"
"Yes." I forced a smile para hindi ito mag alala.
She pulled her left hand from me and wrapped them around my waist, pulling my body closer to her. "Everything okay hon? napansin kong kanina ka pa tahimik sa loob."
"I'm fine. Its stuffy inside kaya siguro inatake ako ng sakit ng ulo."
I felt Janet's grip around my waist tightened and she leaned closer. I closed my eyes when her face came closer and I felt her lips brushed against mine, her lips twitched in a smile as she deepened the kiss. I can taste the sweet and bitter taste of the wine in her mouth.
I tried, I forced myself to enjoy the kiss, to elicit a response from me. Pero tulad ng dati, I don't feel any passion nor desire at all.
I can't..
I just can't answer her kiss..
Suddenly, I pushed Janet away from me na parang napapaso ako.
"Hon!"
"I-I'm sorry Jan.." I raked my hand through my hair, frustrated.
The guilty feeling is back again, hindi ko alam kung bakit every time Janet and I became intimate, nakokonsensiya ako, na para bang isang kasalanan ang ginagawa ko.
I look at her. Her eyes glint with anger. I can't blame her, sino ang hindi masasaktan at magagalit when the person you are kissing pushed you away na parang may nakakahawa kang sakit.
I'm not ready, I realized it now.
What Janet and I have is not serious as what other people thinks and what my parents trying to make of.
We used to go out in group, with our friends, until she would drop by to my office alone and will invite me out. Hanggang sa panay na ang labas namin na kaming dalawa lang, hindi ko alam kung dala na rin ng lungkot na nararamdaman ko pag mag isa na lang ako, that I did not discourage her attention.
Until she, my parents and people who knows us, including the tabloids assumed that we are in relationship. I care for Janet, I care for her enough na ayaw kong mapahiya ito that I just went along.
"Jan, we have to stop this, I'm only going to hurt you. I can't be in a relationship when obviously I'm not ready to have one." I told her gravely.
The anger in her eyes disappeared, replaced by shock..then hurt. "B-but you said you care for me."
"I care for you I'm sure of that." I took her hand and squeezed it. "But it's not love, you have to love the person para maging masaya sa isang relasyon. What I feel is not enough to give you what you want. I'll be unfair to you if we continue this when I cannot offer myself fully to this relationship."
"Then don't, you don't have to." her eyes pleading. "di ba kahit minsan wala naman akong may hinihingi sa'yo? just to be with you is enough for me, makasama ka, masaya na ako dun." tears started to fall on her cheek.
I hold her face with both of my hands, my thumb wiping her tears."Don't.. don't cry." alo ko sa kanya, halong konsensiya at awa ang nararamdaman ko na niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit.
I wanted to break up with Janet pero hindi ko kaya, not when she's begging me like this, mabigat sa kalooban ko na saktan siya when I owed her a lot.
She was there for me.
Took care of me when I left the hospital hanggang sa gumaling ako. Janet was with me every step of the way of my recovery.
Napabuntong hininga ako ng malalim.
That's the problem. I received so much from her but in return, she didn't ask anything but my love.
I tried. God knows! how much I tried to love her.
Pero kahit anong pilit ko, nilalabanan ng puso ko ang utos ng utak ko.
***
Kahit sa loob ng mansiyon, nairirinig ko ang sipol ng malakaas na hangin at pati na rin ang tunog ng nagbabaliang sanga ng puno ng kahoy na nakapalibot sa loob ng bakuran ng mansiyon.
Humahangos na bumaba ako ng hagdanan. "Ma, nasaan si Oliva?" tanong ko kay Mama ng maabutan ko ito sa baba.
"Nasa loob ng opisina, may kausap sa telepono. Hindi ba delikado na umalis ka ng ganito kalakas ang ulan? baka mapaano kayo sa daan, ang lakas pa ng hangin sa labas." worry etched on her face na lumapit ito sa akin at kumapit sa braso ko.
"I have to Ma, naka usap ko ang Mayor ng Catalina, masyadong mataas na ang tubig sa bayan nila and he needs support para maayos ang evacuation ng mga taong nakatira malapit sa dagat, pati na rin sa area na posibleng magka land slide."
When it was forecast na babagsak ang malakas na bagyo bukas ng hapon, nagdesisyun kaagad ako na dito na matulog sa San Diego para tumulong sa pagpangasiwa ng evacuation. Pero hindi inasahan ng lahat na ngayon pa lang, nagsimula ng bumuhos ang malakas na ulan at tumaas ang tubig.
Mabuti na lang nakahanda na ang kapitolyo for evacuation na dapat sana bukas ng umaga pa lang magsisimula, pati ang mga pribado naming mga trucking sa hacienda ay pinalabas ko na para sumundo sa mga tao na nakatira sa mga delikadong lugar.
I was putting on the thick jacket para panlaban sa lakas ng ulan at lamig ng hangin sa labas ng bumukas ang pinto ng opisina at lumabas si Olivia.
"Kuya, nakausap ko na ang logistics coordinator ko. Mamayang madaling araw pa lang magdadala na sila ng mga pagkain at mga importanteng gamit para sa mga tao. The volunteers anyways are ready, in another two hours, magsisimula na silang mag iikot sa mga paaralan at sa kapitolyo kung saan niyo dadalhin ang mga evacuees."
"Good job Liv." I'm impressed how my sister managed to execute the job so fast. She's very effective sa pagma-manage ng NGO na hawak nito.
Hindi ko akalain that she'll turned out this way, malayo sa dating Olivia na bratty and spoiled.
Nagulat kaming tatlo na napasigaw pa si Mama ng may biglang malakas na tunog na parang may bumagsak.
I walked towards the window and looked outside. Ang ingay ay galing sa malaking sanga ng kahoy na naputol. Halos matutumba na ang mga matatandang kahoy sa labas sa sobrang lakas ng hangin. I have not experienced this kind of strong gust of wind before na nangangamba ako.
I'm worried, that I felt the impending feeling of doom deep down in my stomach. Dahil hindi pa nag uumpisa ang bagyo, pero nagsisimula ng manalanta ang hangin at ulan sa San Diego.
***
I furtively run my fingers through my bangs, to obscure my eyes without being obvious. Nakahinga lang ako ng maluwag when the immigration officer barely glance at me and stamped my passport entry.
Agad kong sinuot ang hawak kong bullcap pagkalampas ko ng immigration, hiding half of my face. Pakiramdam ko nakahubo't hubad ako sa gitna ng airport and attracting everyone's attention when in truth, nobody spare a glance in my direction.
Strong emotion stirred inside of me as I observed my surroundings. Looking at the faces..listening to the tone of voices, I can't help but get emotional.
It seems like it was only yesterday...
When I left in haste, scared and fighting for the safety of my life, the lives of my twins..and now, I'm back and I can't help but remember the people I left behind.
Kumusta na kaya sila?
Si..?
I blinked the tears that starts to form in my eyes and roughly wiped it with my hands.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the emotion whirling inside of me.
Nilingon ko ang dalawang kasamahan ko na nakapila pa rin. I took my mobile from my pocket and dialed the number at home. Siguradong nag aalala na si Papa sa akin. He was not happy I was suddenly pulled out from India, to assist the existing team that can't cope up with the growing number of victims of typhoon that need healthcare assistance in the City of Malawi. Ang siyudad na kanugnug lang ng San Diego.
"Pa, I'm here. Kalalabas ko lang from immigration." I inform him kaagad pagkasagot nito sa kabilang linya.
I'm disappointed na hindi ko makakausap ang kambal ko dahil kasalukuyang nasa nursery ang mga ito.
"I'm really worried iha, I'm not comfortable of you being back there na wala ako. I will call Mike, sabihin ko sa kanya na bantayan ka habang nandiyan ka."
"No Pa, huwag mo ng istorbohin si Mike. Mas lalong makakatawag ng atensiyon kung may makakita sa aming dalawa. It's only three weeks and my mission will be over. Pa, huwag kayong mag alala, dobleng pag iingat ang gagawin ko para walang may makakilala sa akin."
"Kahit na, mas mapayapa ang kalooban ko na alam ni Mike na nandiyan ka." giit ni Papa.
Napayuko ako. I stared at my shoes while I gathered my courage to ask my father. The question that been nagging my mind since I got down from the plane.
Coming back brought so many memories. Memories that I have been fighting not to remember, and was easy to forget when I was in america. Pero ngayong bumalik na ako, hindi ko mapigilan ang pagdaloy ng mga alaala when everything looks familiar, a reminder of my old life here.
Mga alalang masakit.
May malungkot.
Pero mas nangingibabaw ang mga masasayang alaala.
I never enquired about him. And my father respect my wishes not to mentioned anything about him. But this time, I have to know.
I need to know.
"P-Pa..is he..a-alive?" tanong ko sa nanginginig na boses. Hindi ko na kailangan banggitin ang pangalan niya, alam na ni Papa kung sino ang tinutukoy ko.
Napapikit ako.
My hand gripped the phone tightly. Nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko, mabilis ang pintig ng puso while I waited for his reply.
"Buhay siya iha..buhay si Alex."
I bit my lip to stifle the sob that threatened to come out.
Tears escaped my eyes.
Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. I'm relieved..relieved to know that he's alive.
Kahit hindi ko na siya makita, masaya na ako na alam kong buhay siya.
Alive..and breathing the same air I breath.
@ bubblyIcicles, Kudos to you for guessing it right where's Cass next mission for MSF :)