Chapter 6 - Overcoming old roles
Early next morning, Darcy came down the stairs in good spirits. For the first time since he had returned from Rosings, he had slept well and felt rested. He also found that he was hungry like a wolf. And he felt a little restless, like a race horse shortly before the race. He wanted to... well, just start... start over.
Since the unexpected intimate conversation with his sister the day before he felt a sense of hope and determination he had believed lost for good since leaving Rosings. He could not foresee if anything could be salvaged in regard to Elizabeth, but Georgiana was right - wallowing in self-pity and despair was not a real option, either. He had promised Elizabeth to heed her criticism and change the man he was for the better, even if she would not be at his side to witness it. It was time to approach this task and start with righting the wrong he had done to his best friend in interfering in his blossoming relationship with Miss Bennet.
He reached the door of the small breakfast parlor that they preferred over the grander, official one and stopped at its doors when he saw that his sister was already seated at the table, holding a cup of coffee in mid-air and gazing pensively out the windows. He was oddly struck by the air of serenity and contentment that emanated from her, something he could not remember to have witnessed in her for a long time. Or ever, for that matter.
He couldn't shake the feeling that so much about Georgiana was new. In the course of the last day, he had witnessed so many firsts about her, he was still reeling from trying to grasp it all. The sister that talked to him yesterday had only little resemblance left with the girl she used to be before. Before Ramsgate. Before.. ever.
Georgiana had not noticed his presence yet, and seeing her like that, Darcy could not help but reminisce about their life together.
For as long as he could think back, Georgiana had always been his little sister. As in little... As in child. Darcy so clearly remembered having played hide and seek with her within the vast halls of Pemberley or the gardens, her sitting on his lap when he used to play the piano for her, reading her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep at night. It seemed like only yesterday that she would rather run to him than Mrs Reynolds or her nurse for him to dry her tears when she had fallen to the ground or off the swing or that he happily endured innumerable tea parties as the only guest of her party of dolls. And although their father had always considered it too childish and girlish for his heir to indulge Georgie with these activities, Darcy had always loved it. He had always cherished his time with her in her little carefree world of play and joy as it had reminded him of the loving family they once used to be... before his mother had died.
For the first ten years of his life he had been on the receiving end of his parents love and care. Loved, cherished and coddled as their first born and proud heir, he had grown up with the mutual attention of his mother and father who had always made time to spend their days with him, including him into their respective responsibilities to prepare him for his future life as Master of Pemberley. And although his days had been filled with lessons, practice, exercise and responsibilities from very early on, his parents always had let their love for him guide their words and actions. When Darcy thought back to those days now, it always seemed like a piece of heaven and bliss.
And then his little piece of heaven had shattered into a million pieces of dark nothingness with the death of this mother. With the addition of Georgiana to their family, it had seemed as if all other members of it had vanished. His mother dead and gone, his father broken beyond recognition by her death, his love and care for his children gone as well, drowned by immeasurable grief that manifested itself by his retreat into a stern but loveless display of honour, duty and responsibilities. Darcy believed to this day that his father's heart had died alongside with his mother, basically leaving him an orphan in matters of the heart. A situation he had shared with his baby sister who had never known her parents' love as he had to begin with, her mother dead and her father uninterested in her.
So at the age of ten, Darcy had undertaken the task of being Georgiana's emotional anchor in life. Loved her, pampered her, humoured her. Being the big brother he always had wanted to be, caring for the little sister he had waited for for so long.
But when their father had died five years ago and he had to take over the steering wheel of the Darcy family, Pemberley and their general position in high society, it was as if the brother in him had to take a step back and let the head of the family take over the care of little Georgiana, then 11 years of age. No more tea parties with her dolls, no more hide and seek. He could barely make the time to go riding with her across Pemberley's beautiful woods or play the piano for her. He just had so much to do, so much to think of – and he had had so little experience. So he immersed himself in his work and new responsibilities, determined to prove himself to his family and peers, to live up to the code of honour and duty as a Darcy, installed in him since his youngest years.
Georgie paid the price for it. After never having met Mother, then losing our uninterested, distant Father, I estranged her from me with all the work I had to do, all the places I had to be, all the functions I had to attend... basically leaving her alone. At the hands of servants and companions. All family practically gone from her immediate life. All loving care handed over to paid hands. Often for many weeks, sometimes months in a row.
I'm so sorry, dearest. I should have not abandoned you so. Is it really surprising that you fell for Wickham's treacherous whispers of love and care? Someone we considered some form of extended family at some point in time? And that scoundrel has a devilish talent to appear caring, pleasing and attentive. No wonder he seemed able to fill the gaping hole I left in your heart.
You turned towards him, away from me, just as I had turned away from you. And he took and hurt you, leaving you broken and retreated into yourself. Thus, through my own doing I lost the last of my family. Even though I found you and brought you home, the sister you were before got lost at Ramsgate. For a long time I only saw a shell of what used to be My Little One wandering the halls of Pemberley, like a shadow whispering through the dark corners of our home. You stayed away. From yourself. From me.
So, I started to change my ways. Stayed home more. Worked less. Stopped socializing completely. Taking every painstaking and agonizing attempt to lure you from your shell, rediscover what was left of my sister in the person sharing the table with me. At length, fractions of you started to show themselves, hesitantly, shyly. Probing, testing. Your surrounding. Me.
Now, out of nowhere, you have come back to me. With a vengeance. Still so young, yet so wise already. Educated and steeled by reality. Renewed. No longer a child, but a young woman.
In my time of need and weakness, you rise out of the shadows changed, grown, different. Stronger.... To extent your love and understanding to this least deserving brother of yours who abandoned you when you needed him most. Armed with words of wisdom and embraces of love and care.
Breaking from the reminiscence and returning his attention to the breakfast room, Darcy's eyes studied this young woman before him for some long moments as a wave of love and pride for his sister rolled through his soul. Yes, she was definitely changed. A new Georgiana. An older one. Wiser. Somehow she seemed to have put Ramsgate behind her. That alone was reason enough to feel celebratory.
He turned towards the footman. "Please, leave us alone and close the doors. We are not to be disturbed unless it is an urgent matter that needs our immediate attention." With a short bow, the footman executed his orders.
He walked over to Georgiana and placed a kiss on the crown of her head, resting his cheek on it, his hands on her shoulders, eyes closed.
Georgiana greeted him with a bright smile. "Good morning, brother. I hope you have rested well?"
Darcy kept his eyes closed for a few more moments and smiled. "I have indeed, thank you, dearest." He opened his eyes again, and placed another quick peck on Georgiana's hair, and then made his way to the breakfast buffet, getting himself a cup of coffee before sitting down at the table across from his sister.
He was still smiling.
"Well, I will be honest with, you, Fitz, I love you just the way you are, but your smile makes loving you so much easier."
He squinted his eyes in good humour. "I sense a compliment hidden deep down in that statement."
"Of course, there is, but really, I'm just delighted to see you in obviously much better spirits this morning than you were since you returned from Rosings," she replied happily.
Darcy lowered his eyes. "That's your fault. Talking to you yesterday... I... we..." He struggled with the words, overcome by gratitude but also embarrassment about having let his sister see him in such a state the day before. "Talking to you helped me clear my head, and I'm very thankful to you for that."
Georgiana reached across the table and placed a hand on his free one, squeezing it reassuringly. "Do not mind, Fitz, really."
He traced the rim of his coffee cup with a finger, deep in thought. "Come to think of it, it was inappropriate to share myself with you this way. I am your older brother and my troubles should be of no concern to you. And yet, it consoled me greatly to tell you about all of it."
"Honestly, how can you say that? That your troubles should be of no concern to me? Granted, I am young and a woman and I do not believe it appropriate for you to share all your thoughts and feelings in regard to women with me -" She rolled her eyes theatrically at him, before turning earnest and pensive again, "-but to say, your troubles should not be of my concern? Who else's should they be, then, if not your sister's? Richard's?"
"Heavens, no!" Darcy snorted with a partly shocked, partly amused expression on his face.
"Fitz, you are my brother, not my father. Although you acted a lot like one over the last years. You have changed greatly ever since you took on that role in my life - and not all for the better, I might add. You became very distant. And I missed you. I missed you a lot - as my brother. And if it takes me growing up, so that you can to drop the role as father and come back to me as my beloved older brother, then I will do it. Because I really, really miss you as that." A loving smile settled on her face. "I crave to be more of a sister to you again and less your daughter." Her smile turned into a smirk. "And don't fret about it - you still get to protect and pamper and spoil me... As is your custom."
Darcy's lips twitched lightly, a small grin fleeting over his face. „Pray tell, who are you? And what have you done to my sister?" He looked at her intently.
Her gaze turned pensive and roamed over her brother's face. "I think, she just grew up." She paused momentarily before she continued quietly. "In part because she was forced to... and in part because it was time for her... I only want you to be truly happy. I can not think of anyone who would deserve it more than you do. And I think, that includes you taking a little bit more care of yourself and a little less of others - including me. You have done so much for me... it is time that I do something for you. Growing up and fixing my mess is the first step. Being able to help you for a change helps me picking myself up from the ground."
Her words tugged painfully at his heart, knowing full well she referred to the aftermath of the Ramsgate desaster. He hated that she had to go through that experience and still believed, he was to blame for it, and yet he was in awe of what conclusions she seemed to have drawn from it within the last weeks and months... and what strength.
"You have changed, my dear. A lot. I barely recognize you. In a good way," Darcy added with a small smile. "You seem so much... stronger. Older, even. Talking to you feels different than before. Like we share more common ground. Like we understand each other better. More like equals... It is hard to put into words."
"I know what you mean - I can feel it, too." She looked at him directly. He felt somewhat scrutinized. "And we are a lot more like equals, even despite the difference in age. And do you know why that is?"
Somehow, to him that sounded more like a question a teacher asked a pupil, expecting a specific answer, one the teacher already knew. So, he played along. "Tell me."
"Because you have changed, too. For me. By talking with you yesterday." She held his gaze while her brother furrowed his brows in puzzlement. She explained further. "I learned a lot about you yesterday. And about me as a result. Listening to you telling your story concerning Miss Elizabeth, listing all your faults and misdeeds, your wrongful assumptions and actions, was like lifting the veil from my eyes. You know, for as long as I can remember, you have always been firmly installed on a pedestal for me. My big brother, almost my father-figure. The Master of Pemberley. Doer of all that is good and holy. The protector and knower of propriety and discipline, of honour and conduct. Prince in shining armour, larger than life. In two words - perfect and infallible."
Darcy swallowed audibly, shaking his head. "Well, I'm not."
"Exactly." She nodded slightly.
He felt crushed. He had let her down. "I'm so sorry for disappointing you," he whispered hoarsely and he felt in danger of his eyes welling up. But he was surprised by Georgiana's sudden look of shock on her face.
"Oh, no! No! That is not what I meant! I did not tell you this to say that you disappointed me - because you did not! I told you this to thank you."
Darcy's brows shot up in incredulity. "Thank me?!"
Georgiana got up from her chair and took a seat next to her brother, clasping his right hand in hers.
"Yes, to thank you. And you know why? Because by realizing that you are just as fallible and imperfect as any other human being, I finally understood that it was wrong to put you on that pedestal. Because you are down here, with the rest of us other mortals. A human being. Just like me."
Tears sprang in her eyes, spilling quickly and she looked suddenly stricken. "With what happened with George... Do you know what the worst thing was about it? What nearly destroyed me? Day after day, ever since?" Her voice broke several times.
Darcy only shook his head once, holding his breath.
"It was the belief that I had disappointed you. That I let you down because I could not live up to your standard of perfection."
Her brother now shook his head vigorously and whispered pleadingly, "no, no, no," but Georgiana just continued, now openly crying.
"Do you know how hard it was to just look you in the eyes? Be in the same room with you? To even let you embrace me? When I was so unworthy of the love and attention of my perfect, infallible brother? Me, who broke all the rules of propriety, honour and conduct? How could you still love me, respect me?"
Tears started running down Darcy's cheeks as he watched his sister unload all the hurt and repressed emotions of the last months. Feelings he had had no knowledge of. He had never assumed that he had been part of the problem for her and his heart broke again over the pain she had endured all by herself.
He pulled her into a crushing hug and whispered tearfully, "you did not disappoint me, you did not. You must believe me. I never, never ever thought that, not for a moment."
"I believe you. But you must understand that this was what I believed. As I said, for me you were up there, on your pedestal, looking down on me, the sinner, shaking your head. I feared your disapproval and your contempt. But I know better now." She squeezed him tightly again and then pulled back a little to look at him through glistening eyes.
"When you opened up to me yesterday with all that you had done and said, I finally realized that you are not up there. And that you do not belong there, either. That I was wrong to put you on that pedestal. That you are down here, as imperfect and fallible as any human being. That you are here - with me. Within my reach, palpable. That I am not alone, but you are next to me. That I should no longer be afraid of you because you are my equal."
Darcy sighed deeply and just looked at his sister for some long moments, thoroughly shaken by his sister's confessions. "I do not know what to say. The Lord knows I am far away from being perfect and I had no idea that you thought about me that way. I apologize for being so blind to your struggles."
Georgiana pushed her hands against his chest. "Stop apologizing, Fitz. None of this is or was your fault. So stop making this about you because it is not. Let me claim this epiphany for myself because it helps me to grow up and be myself."
Darcy nodded. "So be it." He paused, then sighed quietly. "You know what feels good?"
"Mmm. Pray tell?
"To have my sister back." He smiled at her with his eyes telling of all his love for her.
Georgiana grinned brightly back at him. "And I just love to have my brother back."
Darcy enveloped her into another hug and squeezed her tightly. "I am so proud of you," he whispered into her hair. "Do not grow up too much too fast, Little One. Promise?"
She smiled into his comforting chest. "I will see what I can do... old man," she added mockingly.
Darcy snorted playfully. "Steady, steady, you foal!" Then he leaned back to look at her face and a huge smile engrossed his face. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Fitz. More than I can tell."
They held each other's gazes for a long moment in content silence, filled with all their feelings, those voiced and those left unsaid. Eventually, Georgiana sighed softly, breaking the spell.
"Speaking of Richard... Does he know about Miss Elizabeth?"
"You mean, about what occured in Hunsford?"
"Yes."
"No, he does not. I mean, of course, he knows her. We called at her and her friend, the parson's wife, multiple times and also spent some dinners at Rosings together. But no, he does not know about my feelings for her... or my proposal." He looked at her intently. "And I would like for it to stay that way. When we left Rosings, he made some comments which let me to believe that his instincts got alerted to my strange behaviour... but let us hope, that is as far as his awareness goes on this matter."
Georgiana nodded in understanding. Her head turned toward the windows. "The weather is so nice. Should we take a walk in the park and enjoy the day?"
He shook his head. "I would love to, but I have to attend to other matters first."
"Charles?"
He shook his head again, this time with incredulity and awe. "Stop reading my mind!"
"This I can not promise. I like a good read," she replied, smug smile firmly in place.
Darcy could all but gape at his sister as he was dumbfounded by her playful impertinence that reminded him so much of the woman he loved.
"Good Lord, you sound like her. You two would get along so brilliantly well..." He muttered wistfully.
Georgiana narrowed her eyes in determination. "Will, Fitz. Will get along. Think positive."
The playful smile that crept onto his face made him look younger than he had since his sister came home. "Oh, dear! Between your new you and her, I will be doomed."
She wiggled her eyebrows. "I can not wait to meet her and witness that first hand. But we are getting ahead of ourselves... Which is why I will no longer keep you from going about talking to Charles." She laid a hand at his cheek, gazing at him intently. "One step at a time."
Darcy looked at her for a second, then planted a kiss on her cheek before he got up and strode from the breakfast room with newly found purpose. The words Georgiana had spoken to him in the course of the last 24 hours had managed to renew his faith in her, in himself and in his strength. Furthermore, her firm conviction that he deserved a life of happiness with Elizabeth and that she was not out of his reach, yet, had awakened a new determination to put all these revelations he had drawn from the rejection of his marriage offer into action. And then to see what could come out of it.
One step at a time, he thought to himself, as he stepped out of the front door of his house into his waiting carriage.
The first one being Charles.