"Sexiness wears thin after a while, and beauty fades. But to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, now that's a real treat."—JoAnne Woodward
Pulling on my denim jacket, I yell out. "Todd, come on, we're getting late!"
"I'm ready; let's go."
"Finally!" I mutter under my breath.
As I climb down the porch steps, an icy wind brushes pasts my skin, making me shudder.
Todd takes me by surprise when he opens the passenger seat door and immediately gets in the car. I wasn't expecting this from him, but I'm happy he's getting over his fears. Who knows, maybe one day, he'll start driving his own car.
As I slide in the driver's seat, I put on my seatbelt and switch the heater on.
"It's so cold tonight, isn't it?" I ask, rubbing my hands together.
Todd doesn't reply and a few seconds later, I turn my head to find him staring blankly at his shoes.
"Todd?"
He doesn't even budge.
I frown. "Is everything all right?"
He sighs, "It could've been me."
"Todd, what're you talking about?"
"He...he saved me. I-I could've been...dead—"
"Hey, don't talk like that," I say, taking his hand in mine.
Tears well up in his eyes and I squeeze his hand to give him some sort of comfort, but unfortunately, it doesn't work. He keeps a firm hold on my hand as tears continue to fall from his eyes. It feels as if he's losing himself and my heart sinks to see him in such a vulnerable state.
His father's death has left a deep scar on him.
When Todd was fourteen, he went camping with his Dad and that's when his life took a sharp turn. On their way back home, something miserable happened—the brake system failed completely. His Dad tried everything he could, but the situation had already slipped through his hands.
They had no way out, but Todd's Dad didn't give up. He opened the passenger door and pushed Todd out just in time. The instant Todd harshly landed on the road, the car tumbled off the cliff and burned out completely.
His Dad couldn't make it.
Although, Todd doesn't talk much about this incident, I know it still haunts him.
I feel a sudden pang of sadness because I don't know what to do to make him feel better. I won't say I understand his pain, but I can imagine how heart-rending it must be for him to lose his father. Whenever Todd remembers him, that fatal accident flashes through his mind and those bad memories render him a hopeless mess.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and he buries his head in my neck. As his shoulders shake slightly, he pulls me closer and I continue to rub my hands on his back.
"Shh, it's okay," I whisper, gently stroking his hair.
A few minutes later, Todd slowly pulls away, his face inches away from mine. A few strands of my hair stick to the side of his cheeks. He reaches out and tucks the unruly lock behind my ear, his fingers sending chills through my body.
"I'm sorry, Stella. I didn't mean to ruin this night...I just. I don't know...I am so—"
I shake my head. "It is okay, Todd. Um, if you don't want to go, we can go back inside."
He sighs, "I'm fine."
"People only say they're fine when they are not."
He frowns. "No, that's not true. I want to go out with you tonight."
"Are you sure?"
He gives me a small smile. "Yes."
I nod. "All right, then."
As I switch on the engine, Todd clears his throat, getting my attention.
"Thanks for your support."
"You don't have to thank me, really. I mean, that's what friends are for," I smile.
Friends? Why does it hurt so much every time I say this word?
He tilts his head to a side to look at me. "True."
I still remember the day when he told me he still loved me and sometimes, I wonder if he's really stupid enough to buy all my lame excuses. I mean, when I told him about the pre-divorce effects, he didn't ask me any questions, as if he was just waiting to believe anything I would come up with.
I want to ask him so many questions, but I'd rather keep a stiff upper lip because I don't want to make things worse between us. I don't want to risk our friendship because at this point in my life, it means a lot to me.
"Stella?"
I blink a few times.
"Sorry."
"Is something wrong?"
Yes.
I turn my head and his eyes meet mine.
He raises his eyebrows at me.
"I'm fine," I say, biting the inside of my cheeks.
*****
With our trays in our hands, Todd and I make our way to our seats. Putting my tray on the table, I drag a chair and quickly sit down. As Todd takes his seat beside me, our arms brush, but I don't take too long to break the contact.
As I bite into my bacon and cheese sandwich, my mind drifts over to something else. I still haven't figured out how I will write this new article David requested me to write yesterday. The last thing I want is my professional and personal life to merge together. It's not easy for me to write about a topic that's entirely out of my comfort zone, but I have no other option and I'll have to write this article no matter what.
"You're doing this a lot lately," Todd chuckles.
I raise my eyebrows at him. "Doing what?"
He points at my face. "Getting lost in your own deep thoughts."
"Yeah, it's something about a new article I've to write," I say, licking my lips.
He dips a chicken fry into ketchup and puts it into his mouth.
"What do you have to write about?"
"I don't think you want to know about that," I say, lifting one shoulder.
He runs a hand through his hair. "Trust me I want to know."
I exhale slowly, "Okay. Well, I've been asked to write about something I'm familiar with, but as a writer, that's not my forte, so I'm just confused how to get started, you know."
He shrugs. "You could've said no."
I scoff, "David is not someone easy to persuade. Only if you knew that man."
"Look, Stella, you're very talented and I'm sure you can pull this off," he smiles, "don't worry, okay."
I take a deep breath. "Thank you, Todd."
Actually, I'm not really worried about that article because I know I'll write it somehow. What's really bothering me is that I'm living a lie. I can't convince myself that I can live happily without Todd being a part of my life. If Todd had said I love you a few months back, there wouldn't have been any troubles in our way, but now, I guess it's too late. We're both going through a rough patch right now. It frustrates me that I can't say I love you to him because I fear he might run away from me. Everything has become so jumbled up and it's only my fault.
I feel so stupid.
"You face is leaking mustard," Todd laughs.
Leaning forward, he wipes the corner of my mouth with a tissue paper and I give an inaudible gasp when his fingers brush softly across my bottom lip.
"T-thanks."
"You were doing that again...getting lost in your own secret world."
"Sorry, I just don't realize when I zone out," I say, slightly shaking my head.
As I take a big bite of my burger, cheese melts on my tongue, and I lick it off my upper lip.
I can feel Todd gazing at me, but I don't turn to look at him. A few seconds later, a warm blush creeps up my cheeks.
"Don't stare at me when I'm eating."
He chuckles, "You look cute while eating."
"I think you mean I look like a hungry walrus," I say, rolling my eyes at him.
"Don't underestimate yourself, Stella."
I snort.
Dimples appear on his cheeks as a grin spreads across his face.
He looks up at me, his eyes crinkling. "I like spending time with you. We should do this more often."
I frown. "Don't you think it's too late?"
We are soon getting divorced and I don't think we'll see each other anytime soon after this week. Perhaps, we won't see each other for weeks, months...years. I don't think he knows, but he's making everything more difficult for me.
He narrows his eyes at me. "What're you trying to say?"
"You know, Todd. You know exactly what I'm trying to say."
He shrugs. "What happened? Why are you getting so worked up?"
"Because," I bite my bottom lip, "because I'll move out of your house after this week. I don't think our relationship will be the same."
"Nothing will change, Stella. We'll always be friends," he says, looking into my eyes.
I shoot him a glare.
I swear I hate his word so much.
Friends? I don't want to be just a friend to him; I want to be much more than that. Maybe, I sound childish, but I love Todd and I don't want to leave him. But who am I kidding? I have thrown myself into this situation and I can't go back and change things. I wish he understood what I'm going through. We ourselves make our relationship so twisted that we can't work things out, even if we try to.
He places his hand on top mine, grazing his thumb over my knuckles. Even this simple gesture makes my stomach flutter. It's like I'm falling more and more for him.
"Let's just not talk about it," I sigh.
He tilts his head to a side, narrowing his eyes at me. "You're acting weird these days."
"I know I don't make sense most of the time," I say through gritted teeth, "and it's driving me crazy."
The corners of his lips tug upwards in a smirk. "Maybe, all you need is a little Sprite to cool down."
He passes his bottle of Sprite to me and I take a huge gulp of it.
He cocks an eye at me. "How do ya feel now?"
Leaning towards him, I kiss him on the cheek.
"What was that for?"
"You're a good friend."
I don't know why I did that, but I just wanted to do it so bad.
I need you, Todd, but I can't have you.
I can't...
>>>>>.<<<<<
Hey, I hope you liked this chapter. What are your thoughts about it?
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that only a few more chapters are left of this story.
:D