THIS BOOK IS ALMOST ENDING. Omfg.
I AM SO LATE TOO OMG IM REALLY SORRY. I was so caught up with my personal life bc.. i dunno. It became interesting for a while. Lol.
Anyway, here it is. ENJOY. (Or not)
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Stress. Stress. Fucking stress.
Paperworks. Deadlines. Complicated feelings. Messed up thoughts. The list is freaking endless. I wish it would end now. But they just keep on coming.
Andy and Melissa are busy too. We barely even have time to see each other.
Right now, I'm on the verge of finishing a palette of colors for autumn. Somehow, it's calming, but thinking of the deadline and everything else while working at it just erases the "calm" away. God. I feel like crying.
Once I finish this, I still have to do another report on a lesson and connect it with what I learned in Sydney. Fuck this shit. But the deadline is still a week from now, so I can breathe a little. I feel like crying. All of this could just be so suffocating at times.
To add up to the deadly bunch, Luke had been messing up with my thoughts lately. As much as I don't him to, he just.. I don't know. He's just there. And I don't know how I could keep him away. I tried to not answer his calls, not reply to his texts, but somehow, I still end up doing so.
Since last week, we didn't see each other. Andy kept on bugging me about what he saw. He kept on reminding me about Nick, because God knows I forget about him at times. I feel so terrible. Oh God.
Anyway, not seeing Luke means more messages and more calls from him. He keeps on worrying when I don't reply or answer his calls. Everytime, I wanna' tell him that he doesn't even have to worry about me. But I like how he does. IT'S COMPLICATED.
I told you I'm messed up.
Halfway through my work, my back aches, and so does my head. I'm hungry and I'm tired. And I'm too damn lazy to make dinner.
I grabbed my phone and texted Melissa and Andy.
Me: Dinner??
All Time Low was playing in the background.
Andy: Cant. Not done with my pallete.
Me: Me neither.
Andy: lol i havent even started!!!
Me: psh. Goodluck.
Melissa: Aw sorry, syd. I cant. I have plans with michael tonight. I was just done with my palette.
Me: awww okay. It's fine. :)
Hopelessly, I scrolled through my contacts. I need someone to talk to. I don't even feel like having dinner. I've been eating donuts since I started on this project about an hour and a half ago.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Stress. Just full on stress. I need an escape. Even just for a while. I need to breathe. I can't be alone right now. I might end up being extremely sad, and when I am, God knows what I'll do to myself.
I sighed, pushing back my tears before deciding to send another text.
Me: Hey. You busy?
It didn't even take him a minute to reply.
Luke: I'm free now. Why?
Me: really? No band meetings?
Luke: uhh we were supposed to go clubbing tonight except for michael.
Me: Oh okay.
Me: :)
Luke: just told them i cant come.
Me: What? Why?
Luke: Well you need me, dont you?
Me: What makes you think so? Hahaha
Luke: you wont text me for nothing syd. I know.
Me: Not really.
Me: :) :) :)
Luke: HAHA I know you. So what is it?
Me: i just need someone to talk to rn.
Luke: aw why??
Me: stress....
Luke: mmhmm. I know just the place.
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We agreed to meet at the... beach. Why? Because that's what Luke said. Why did I agree to him? I don't know. My mind is disfunctional.
Anyway, 30 minutes later, I am here at the sidewalk, overlooking the beach. There were still a lot of people hanging out here, since there are bars. There's a live band performing. People dance and drink. The noise wasn't calming... at all.
"Luke, where are you...." I muttered to myself, looking around for any sign of Luke.
A couple of people give me second looks as they walk past. I saw teenage girls whispering and giggling in my direction. This is one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life.
I took my phone out of my pocket and decided that I was going to call Luke when suddenly someone covered my eyes.
"Guess who." He muttered in my ear, sending chills down my spine.
"Luke," I exhaled. "We should go before anyone notices you."
He removed his hands from my eyes. He was wearing a hoodie with a backpack slung on his shoulder.
"It's good to see you too." He smiled, and took my hand.
I laughed lightly. "What's with the backpack?"
"Nothing." He smirked.
We walked past all the people. I didn't see anyone giving us any second glances.
"Let's pretend we're just casually strolling on the beach." Luke said.
My feet are already touching the waves as it splits in the shore.
"But aren't we really strolling on the beach?" I said.
Luke scrunched his nose. "Erm, yeah."
I laughed. "Where are we going?"
"Shh. Trust me." Luke said.
And I did. As much as trusting him was what hurt me the most...
We continued walking down the beach in a half-awkward, half-comfortable silence. Then we crossed past these huge rocks. There was also a creepy sort of shack that Luke and I ran away from once we got close enough. And yes, he screamed like a girl.
Anyway, in the distance, there was a diving area. But there was no one in sight. This place seemed pretty deserted. And the waves are calm. And the sun had set in the distance. The darkmess was slowly eating up the sky. And I'm here with Luke who was setting up a blanket (which I assumed he packed) in the sand.
"Oh, so a picnic?" I smiled.
"Kinda." He said. "But I brought chips and pizza because I suck at making food."
"That's fine." I said.
Luke continued setting up, pulling things out of his bag. I looked around, and took a deep breath.
The beach is amazing. I don't go here too often. Now I'm wondering why. The sky was tinged dark blue, and the waves are calm. It's just the beautiful color of the sky after the sun had set. It's almost like a scene pulled out from a book. And adding up to it all was the guy who makes you smile throughout the day, and makes you question about what love really is. The guy who, as much as you don't like to admit, does make you happy.
I looked down at Luke. On the mat were Cheetos, Doritos, Ben and Jerry's, and a container with pizza. And..
"Is that alcohol?" I asked.
Luke smirked. "Just a mild drink, for fun."
I laughed. "Where did you even manage to get that? And how?"
"It was just hanging out in our kitchen, so might as well consume it." He shrugged.
"Oh well." I took a seat beside him. Before Luke could set the bottle down, I took it from his hands and took a quick swig.
Luke looked at me in surprise. "Woah, girl." He laughed lightly.
I scrunched my nose in reaction to the bittersweet taste of alcohol in my mouth.
"God." I muttered, wiping my mouth.
Luke started on nibbling on the Doritos he bought. "So," He said, his mouth slightly full, "What's the problem?"
I sighed. "Look, first of all, I don't want to burden you with my own problems. I just needed someone to talk to right now. You could have denied me but you didn't, and I really appreciate that. So, thank you."
"Anytime." Luke smiled.
I bit my lip, wondering where to start.
I ended up rambling about school amd deadlines. I told him about how stressful it was to have endless works and artworks. I ranted about how our professors think we are robots. They expect too much from us. They insist that we should maintain the good name of the damn school, which means, work and training and work and less sleep and more work and just.. WORK.
Luke was just listening intently. He laughed at certain points, because, I admit, these are just stupid things. He's probably even busier. His life is probably more stressful than mine, but whatever.
"If you're really stressed out, then I guess this is good that we get to hang out." Luke said. "It's good to have someone to tell you problems to."
I nodded. "Yeah, thank you for listening."
Awkward silence.
Suddenly, the waves crashing on the shore were so much louder than how it was earlier. It's weird how we just space out when before, we had endless stuffs to talk to. Fuck this.
After a while, I decided to sip some alcohol again. Luke did the same.
"Let's play a game." He said.
"What game?"
Luke smirked. "Truth or drink."
"Okay." I agreed. "And the rules?"
Luke spread out his arms carelessly. "No rules. Anything is allowed."
I nodded slowly, contemplating the possibilities. But fuck it. I've been overthinking too much lately. It's more fun to just go with it.
"Fine." I said. "So if you can't answer, you'll take a drink?"
"Yep. Just as simple as that." Luke said.
"Alright." I shifted my position so that I was facing him comfortably. "So who starts?"
"You." Luke grinned. "Ladies first."
Me. Alright. What am I gonna ask?
"Wait. Can I pretend we never met?" I laughed lightly. "Like this is just getting to know each other blah blah."
Luke just shrugged. "Sure."
Okay... so here. "How would you describe your perfect kind of girl?" I asked hesitantly.
Luke bit his lip for a moment and wondered. "Honestly? Just someone I can get along with. Someone who will understand me as I am. Someone who will be understanding about my career, my schedule and all that. And also someone who can get along with my weirdness, and also with the band. I don't know."
I nodded slowly.
"Maybe someone who studies about beauty..." Luke added, smirking. "Someone with brown hair, greenish eyes. Is about 5 foot 5. Used to like Taylor Swift a lot but now also listens to All Time Low. Owns about a hundred pairs of Vans. Someone who is named after her own hometown. I mean, how cool would that be? Who would think of naming their child after the place she will be raised in? Genius."
I bit my lip to keep myself from laughing.
"Is that all?" I asked.
Luke frowned. "Do you need more? I could go on forever."
"No. It's fine." I laughed. "It's just.. That was specific."
"No shit, Sherlock." He said in a low voice, looking down at the sand.
I looked down at my hands. The blood has rushed to my cheeks, and I have no intention of showing that to Luke.
It didn't take him long to get back in the game. "My turn to ask."
"Go ahead." I said.
"Okay. So since there are no rules, no limits, my question for you is..." Luke stopped and wondered for a moment.
I tapped my fingers on the wine glass impatiently.
"If you were to relive any memory with me, which one will it be and why?" Luke asked. His voice suddenly sounded serious but soft, and thoughtful.
My mind raced. Millions and millions of memories. So many times with Luke. Everything great. How can I choose? And how can I tell him without breaking down into tears? I don't want to break down here. We were having such a good time.
Slowly, my fingers wrapped around the neck of the alcohol bottle.
"Please don't drink this one." Luke said quietly. "I really want to hear it."
And as slowly as it took me to wrap my fingers around the bottle neck, it took me twice as slow to remove my fingers from it.
I took a deep breath. I searched my mind. It's hard to choose when everything is equal. Sure, some are greater than the others, but if I could relive one memory...
"I.. I don't know." I said slowly. "I can't choose. But if I could go back in time, I'd prefer us in my flat. Doing nothing. Just cuddling. Talking about nothing and everything. I loved those moments with you. I love the little things we do, and how all those things build up to something so great. I would choose to relive those moments on my couch, watching chic flicks or disney movies on my laptop screen. Just randomly falling asleep on each other, and waking up with stiff necks. You watching me cry on one of the scenes of a Nicholas Sparks movie. It's amazing, because it's just us. No one ever bothered us. And even though we ended up arguing at times, we just can't stay mad at each other because you wanted to cuddle so much. And I can't just let you go home because it's past midnight. I'd choose those moments because you're mine and only mine. And I was all yours. It felt like nothing could ever take us away from each other. It felt infinite. I'd choose that over anything, anytime."
My voice cracked halfway through, but I managed to finish without a tear slipping out. But it almost did. I took a deep breath and avoided eye contact with Luke.
"Syd.." He said, his voice soft.
Quickly, I grabbed the bottle of alcohol and took a quick slug.
"Goddammit." I cursed. "I was supposed to be relieving my stress."
"Well, it did take your mind off of things for a while." Luke said, trying to keep the mood up.
Well, mister. You should know you're part of the causes of my stress. How dare you.
I tried to laugh it off. "You have no idea."
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Luke's POV
Sydny's voice broke halfway through. After she stopped speaking, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Man, I miss her so much.
With great speed, she took the bottle and drank again.
"Goddammit. I was supposed to be relieving my stress." She said.
I know she's fighting back her tears. I've seen her do that several times.
"Well, it did try to keep your mind off things." I tried lighting the mood up, but my voice was slightly shaking too.
The sun had already gone down. It was dark. Thankfully, there was a bright light from the diving area.
Syd just scoffed. "You have no idea."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Nothing." She shook her head. "It's already dark. I think we should head home."
"What? No. Let's stay here for a little longer." I said. "I can't let you go home like that."
"Like what?" She crossed her arms around her chest. Her lips was almost frowning. I don't if it's because of frustration or the fact that she's near break down.
"Syd, I'm not blind." I said calmly. "I know you're fighting back your tears. But don't. Let it out. I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
"I.." She bit her lip. "Luke..."
And that's when she let go. The tears came streaming down her eyes. And you could just see how much she's been holding inside. God, I think I pushed her a bit too far with that question. I hate seeing her like this.
"Babe." I pulled her closer to me. She laid her head on my shoulders and cried. "Hey, it's okay. Whatever it is, it will be okay. I'm right here."
"I wish you really are." She said.
I held her tight, kissing her forehead. "I am, baby." I said. "I'm here now. Tell me anything you want."
Sydny just shook her head. "Just hold me. That's the only thing I really need."
And so, I did. I held her the way I did before. I don't know how exactly. I just held her like she's the most delicate thing in the world. With so much care and love. Just enough to make her feel safe.
Call me cheesy, whatever. Sydny needs me, and I'll be here.
It's not something I do to get her back. Believe me, I want that more than anything. But I'm doing this because she needs me. It feels so fucking good that she still does. But it hurts to see her breaking like this.
Slowly, her sobbing subsided. And somehow, she calmed down. I know, because she started saying sorry.
"Luke," She said. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about anything. You shouldn't worry about anything." I said.
She pulled apart from me. "God, I'm so stupid."
Sydny took another swig of alcohol. It's already half-empty. Most of her talking is probably done by the alcohol.
"You know, sometimes I make decision hastily. I don't even try to think of how it might affect me in the future or something." Her words were slightly slurring. "And then I regret it afterwards. Then I cry about it and think about it then stress about it. It's unending."
"Uh huh.." I said, partly because I don't know what to say. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "It's just that.. I'm so fucked up." She took another drink, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve.
"Syd, you had a lot to drink." I said, taking the bottle from her hands. "I think I should take you home."
"Let's stay here for a little longer." She muttered, staring out into the sea, which is all dark. You could only see the glimmer of the water.
I guided her head slowly, so that it rests on my shoulder. She didn't argue.
I started singing one of my favorite songs. Okay, so I remembered singing this with my ex in Australia but that was a long time ago and it just didn't work out.
"Beauty queen of only 18.
She had some trouble with herself.
He was always there to help her.
She always belonged to someone else."
I heard Sydny inhale sharply. Subconsciously, my hand slipped in hers, my fingers intertwining with hers and fitting just as perfectly as it did before. She didn't even try to pull away.
"I don't mind spending everyday,
Out in your corner in the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with a broken smile.
Ask her if she wants to stay a while,
And she will be loved."
My thumb was caressing the back of her hand. Somehow, her grip tightened.
I find it hard to continue the song, because I feel a lump growing in my throat. I have to be strong for Sydny. I know, even if she doesn't say it, that I am also a reason why she's stressed. The way she looks at me, it's like she's wants to tell me something but couldn't bring herself to do it. The last few days jave been so complicated. And her thoughts might be just about anything...
"Why'd you stop?" She asked, looking up at me. "You were singing perfectly."
I bit my lip. "Nothing."
"I know you used to sing this with your ex girlfriend. You told me before." She said. "Did you remember her?"
I frowned. "What? No? That was so long ago."
"So why did you stop?" She asked again.
I shook my head. Sydny doesn't usually bring my ex up. She doesn't like to admit it but she gets jealous. And now that she did, I'm pretty sure the alcohol is taking over her.
"I remembered something else..." I muttered.
"What?" Her voice was getting softer and softer each time.
I took a deep breath. "Us."
Strangely, Sydny just let out a soft giggle. "I wish......" I didn't catch what she said next, because her voice faded.
When I looked at her, her eyes were shut closed and her mouth was slightly open.
"Oh great." I muttered to myself.
I tapped the side of her cheek to try and get her to wake up. "Syd. Sydny. Baby, wake up."
All I got was a groan.
Now, I have to take her home asleep. Just great.
I let her lay down on the mat for a second. She used my jacket for a pillow. I went up to fix up the trash we had and everything else. It's nearly 11. What the fuck. Time is so fast.
After I have packed everything, I let Sydny piggyback ride me since that's the best option I can do. I walked us to the highway, slowly. She isn't heavy, but it's fucking hard to walk in the sand when you're weight is slightly doubled and you have a backpack hanging from your chest.
Once we were on the street, I hailed a cab and directed it to Sydny's apartment. Her keys are just in her pocket somewhere. I could get them later.
The cab driver was looking at me weirdly. He's probably wondering why I'm carrying an unconscious girl on my back. For all I know, he could be thinking I'm an axe murderer.
"She had a lot to drink." I explained briefly.
The cab driver just nodded, as if he'd seen too many cases like this in his career span.
He's about in his 50s, so I'm guessing he has a lot of experiences with teenage boys carrying unconscious teenage girls.
While driving, he asked me, "Is she your girl?" He has a Western accent.
I sighed, looking out the window. Sydny's head was on my lap.
"She was." I said.
"What happened?"
"I fucked up." I admitted. "I didn't mean to, but I did. And so, I lost her."
The cabbie grinned. "And I bet you're trying to get her back."
I just shrugged. "Well.. yeah. But there's this other guy. I think she likes him. And he definitely likes her. I mean, who wouldn't?
"And where is this 'other guy' you're talking about? Why is she with you and not with him?" This man has a lot to ask.
I shrugged again. "Some surfing thing somewhere. I don't know why she's with me. But if this is the only way I can be with her, then I'd take it as it is."
The cabbie chuckled. "You love her, kid. Don't you?"
"I do..." I said in a low voice.
"I bet she loved you too." He scoffed.
The memory of Sydny saying 'I love you' played in my mind. Several of them. "She said she did." I said.
"I think she still does." He smirked. "She wouldn't be hanging out with you if not. She would be forgetting about you."
"Yeah, but she wants us to be just friends." I explained.
The cabbie just rolled his eyes. "You children never learn. I thought you were the ones who watch a lot of movies. Don't the movies show that two people who have been in love with each other can't be 'just friends?' That's fucking bullshit."
I can't help but laugh a bit. "I know."
"Well, she doesn't." He scoffed again. "She's probably trying to forget about your relationship but not you, because deep inside her, she still feels something. She just doesn't want to act on it. But sooner or later, she'll either move on completely or just reveal what she really feels."
Sydny shifted slightly with a groan, making me tensed for a bit. But she still stayed asleep.
"It confuses me a lot." I admitted. "We had a lot of heart to heart talks after our breakup and she always says that she wants it back, but she just couldn't bring herself to forget about a single mistake I did."
"Maybe you broke her..." The cabbie muttered.
The way he said it was very simple. But there was something about those words that hit me harder than I thought it could. Because, well.. Maybe I did. As much as I don't want it to. I was supposed to be the one saving her from getting hurt. It's so fucking ironic if I was the one who broke her. But it's the truth.
Agh. Fuck.
We stopped in front of Sydny's building. I paid the man before slowly getting Sydny out of the car, still piggyback riding me.
Before driving away, the cabbie said, "Son, she still feels for you. Don't wait until her feelings fade away."
I nodded numbly, not really registering what he said until he hurriedly drove away.
There were only a few people on the lobby of her building. None of them even bothered to look at us. I took Sydny straight to her room. And just as I was about to search her pocket for the keys, I saw that her door was unlocked.
She must have forgotten to lock it. It happened before.
I entered, careful to not bump her head anywhere.
What I saw inside shocked me than I ever thought it could. Somehow it felt like the school principal had just caught me doing some shit again.
Sitting on Sydny's couch was probably he last person on this planet I ever wanted to see.
"Nick." I said, trying to mask the hatred in my voice.
"Luke." He said, getting up the couch and rushing in to greet us. "What happened?"
I shook my head. "Nothing. She just got a bit drunk."
"What? Why? You let her drink?" He frowned.
I walked into Sydny's room and laid her gently on her bed. "Well, it's not like I could stop her. She just quickly takes the bottle from me and drink. She was so stressed, man."
For a moment, we both just stood there, looking down at Sydny. She was just as beautiful as ever.
"Why were you together?" Nick asked.
"She called me." I answered truthfully. "She said she needed someone to talk to."
"Why didn't she call me?" Nick asked.
I just shrugged. I could tell he was getting a bit irritated. "She didn't even know you were coming back today."
"I was planning for it to be a surprise." He said softly.
I bit my lip. I remembered that time in London when Sydny was supposed to be surprising me but instead... she found me with someone else.
"Oh." I said.
Awkward silence.
For some reason, I feel pity for Nick. God. I hate remembering reasons why Sydny isn't mine anymore.
"I gotta get going." I said. "Are you gonna... stay the night or..?"
Please don't. I thought.
"Yeah, I will. Just to watch over her." Nick nodded.
Fuck. Have they done this before? Does he usually spend the night here? Why does he seem so comfortable in saying it? What do they do when they're together?
So many thoughts run in my head. But I just can't bring myself to talk about it.
I just nodded back. We were halfway our manly handshake when Sydny shifted and muttered, "Luke..."
My eyes widened. I looked over at Nick. He was looking down at Sydny, his eyebrows furrowed.
"I.. I'll just get something to drink." Nick said, and stormed out of the room.
FUCK YEAH.
Hesitantly, I sat down on the side of Sydny's bed and touched her cheek.
"Shh. I got you home, babe. Just sleep tight." I said, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.
Her eyes didn't even open, but she inhaled sharply as my lips drew away from her skin.
"Please don't leave." She muttered, eyes still closed.
I bit my lip. Somehow, I feel the lump growing back in my throat.
"I have to." I said softly, carressing her hair.
It's ironic how she's begging me to stay when I can't, but she just let me walk away when I needed so bad for her to stop me.
"I'll come for you when you need me. Always. Remember that." I said.
Sydny just showed a hint of a smile. Not a minute after, I feel her breathing rhythmically. Just like that, she's back asleep.
Slowly, I stood up and walked out of her room. I saw Nick out in the balcony.
"Hey, man." I walked up to him and leaned over the railing.
He just nodded in my direction.
"Look," I sighed. "While you were gone, Sydny was so stressed. Everything was just starting to get to her. Her friends can't be there for her because they're having the same problem. She called on me, but only because I was the only friend she could lean on at the time. I guess that's why."
Nick just shook his head. "It's alright, man. You don't have to explain. It's not like we're a thing."
So they really are not a thing. But the way he's reacting clearly indicates that he likes her... a lot.
"I just wanna' make it clear that it was just a helping a friend thing." I said.
LIAR. BIG FAT ASS LIAR.
"I get it, dude. It's fine." He said.
He added something in a low voice but I couldn't quite catch it.
Before it turns into another awkward silence, I decided to leave. I gave him an awkward goodbye and walked out of the building.
So I guess that was it. No more times with Sydny. As much as what just happened just made me feel ecstatic, it will all be over. I guess I just have to...
No.
"Don't wait until her feelings fade away." The driver said.
If she does still feel something, then maybe I still have a chance. But if not, well I just can't force her to feel something, can I? I can't just throw myself at her again. Plus, there's also Nick to think about. And besides, if ever this fails, God the heartache will never fucking end.
But if I won't do anything, how could I ever get back? If I would just keep on waiting-- which the cabbie warned me not to do, will her feelings really fade away? Or maybe she really just needed a friend? I just can't seem to take it in that she would simply reduce something as great as we had to merely "being friends." It's bullshit.
I'm just confusing myself more and more. Damn it.
Grow some balls. I told myself.
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OMG IM SORRY YOU'VE WAITED TOO LONG. But yeah.
Anyway 5sos are going here for the fIRST TIME and im doubting i can come dammit. Send help lol
Ummm yeah. I honestly didnt know how to end this, so it turned out shitty.
Also, I promise that Im trying my best to update as soon as I can. And thank you so damn much for waiting and voting and sharing how much you hate nick and all that. THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU HONESTLY MAKE ME CRY AT TIMES I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. Xx