I busied myself making breakfast, though the only acceptable food in the house was peanut butter on toast. I desperately needed to make a trip to the grocery store. Just as I had finished jotting down my shopping list, the phone rang and Louis' face popped up on the screen. His blue eyes sparkled in a crossed eyes expression and his tongue poked our from his mouth. I chucked before answering.
"Hey Louis. How are you," I asked.
"I'm alright love. How about yourself?"
"I'm fine. Getting back to reality," I sighed.
"Yeah, reality is a tough one. That's sort of why I called. I, uh, well you see..." He couldn't seem to form a sentence. Louis at a loss for words was not something I was used to.
"Lou, what's up? Just spit it out already." I figured a little teasing might help ease the mood.
"Well then. I guess that's the best way to go about it." Louis paused and sucked in a deep breath. "I'm going to be a father. I'm expecting a baby." Louis let out any remaining breath into a weighted sigh.
"Woah! Not expecting that, but that's exciting Louis." I was shocked but tried to play it down. I assumed Louis was internally freaking out, as most guys did in this situation. I had a ton of questions, but I decided to let him lead the conversation.
"Yeah, or scary as shit!," Louis said honestly. "Sorry Liv. I'm still trying to figure this all out. It was unexpected."
"It's okay Louis. You can be scared. How long have you known?"
"Just about a week now. I talked to H and me mum about it, but I needed some input from someone who's not baby crazy." Louis chuckled. I wondered how Harry took the news considering he had asked me to consider having a baby and I turned him down. "Plus a bit of female advice is always needed in these sorts of situations. I'm lost."
"Well I'm happy to help you sort through it all Lou. Thanks for thinking of me." I pondered for a moment on how I could be of help. I liked giving advice and friends always asked me. Probably because I always weighed the options and approached things logically. "Can I ask what exactly you're afraid of?"
"Yeah. It's a lot of things, honestly. I'm scared of what the reaction to all this will be. I'm scared it's not mine, and a little scared it is. I'm scared for her, for Brianna. These fans can be ruthless. I'm scared of not being ready for any of this."
All of Louis' fears had merit, but as his friend I still wanted to help ease them.
"Louis, it's alright. Sure, the reaction of the fans or media might be crazy, but think of all the other crazy stories, true or not, you've handled already. Don't let that stuff get to you. You and the boys are all pretty good at handling the shit that's thrown at you, so just keep doing what you're doing there."
"True, true," Louis agreed and I could almost picture him nodding his head.
"As for if the baby is yours or not, that's tricky, but you kind of already know how you feel about it. You said you're more scared it's not yours. Sounds like you're much more prepared for this than you thought Lou. And the fact you're concerned for Brianna's wellbeing speaks volumes for your character. You're already being a protective father, and you didn't even realize it. I don't know if you two are together or not, but supporting her is important. She's probably scared too. You may think you're not ready, but it sounds like you're well on your way Louis." I meant every word I said to him, he truly was showing maturity in the situation, especially for having only just found out.
"Thanks Liv. I just feel so unprepared. I always wanted kids, but not any time soon. Not like this."
"Louis, you've got a break coming up so you can really be in the baby's life and take care of Brianna. You've got plenty of time during her pregnancy to prepare and I think once the baby is here, you'll be a natural Lou. Honestly, can you ever really be ready for a child? Probably not. I don't mean that to scare you Lou. It's just one of those things that you can't truly comprehend until you're a parent, I'm told. Once you see that baby, you'll be ready. People try to plan and make sure the time is right, but in the end, whether you've planned it or not, you're left with something so amazing that all that worry and planning seems pointless. You know, you always hear people say it's the greatest thing to happen to them. There's got to be something to that. Why be afraid of something so sweet and innocent? It's magical really, and you are fortunate enough to be able to give your child anything he or she needs. Not to mention so much love."
"Jesus Liv. Way to put it all in perspective. Are you alright?," Louis asked. I didn't realize until he questioned me that I was crying. The tears were slow and my voice was shaky, overwhelmed with emotion.
"Yeah," I said through sniffles, not sure why I was so overcome.
"You're really good at this giving advice thing Liv. Maybe you need to get better at taking your own advice though." Louis' tone had his usual know it all way about it, but I could tell he meant what he said.
"What do you mean Louis?," I asked, now confused again.
"It's not my place Liv, but Harry told me you guys talked about having a kid. I told him he was crazy too, but it sounds like you've changed your mind love." I didn't say anything in response to Louis. I just sat there, dead silent on the phone except for the sounds of my breathing trying to hold back tears. He was right, and I didn't even realize it. Louis spoke again to break the silence. "Listen, I wasn't planning on doling out the advice, it's never been my area of expertise, but the only thing I always say is life is short, live fast. I saw you and Harry that day– the day he thought he lost you. Thank God he didn't but, it just makes you think, doesn't it? You guys love each other without a doubt, and add that love into everything you just said and that's a pretty good case."
"Louis..." I didn't say anything else because I didn't know what to say. My mind and heart were struggling over the same thing and I couldn't really process it all.
"I'm sorry Liv, again it's not my place. Thank you for the advice, it's helped to put me at ease. I've got to get running, I've got a meeting with Simon about all of this. Call me anytime though."
"Thanks Louis," I sighed. "Can you not say anything to Harry about this please?"
"Of course not love. But you need to think it over a bit yourself, it seems. Bye Liv."
"Bye Louis," and with that I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed completely perplexed at my sudden revelation.
Was this really something I was ready for? I thought back to all the reasons I had given Harry as to why I wasn't ready for such a big- no, huge step in our relationship. I had pretty much talked myself out of my own argument against it in my conversation with Louis; my own rational brain working against itself.
I pondered what Louis had said about life being short and how just days ago Harry was faced with the seeming reality of my death. I hand't really allowed myself to think about the weight of that moment. I was supposed to be on that plane. My fate very well could've have been to end up on the bottom of the ocean. What if I had ended up buckling myself into seat 26A, like my ticket said? Nothing else in life would matter because life, for me, would cease to go on. I would be defined by my life up until that moment. I'd be the daughter, the friend, the designer, that would be my legacy. Only few would know me as Harry's girlfriend. Only he would know he was the love of my life, my color in a world of grey. If I were to die, so would everything I had with Harry. It would end, fade, and disappear, even quicker than it came. The reality of that terrified me. The idea that this would be it for us was suffocating. Not because this wasn't enough, I cherished every moment I'd had with Harry. What was making it so hard to breathe was that there was still so much more I wanted to experience with him. So much more I wanted to give to him. There was so much love between us that the thought of containing it seemed impossible, and almost selfish. The idea of creating life as a direct product of our love was now not merely a romantic concept, but a very real one. Harry had seen this early on, but my tendency to lead with my head instead of my heart had pushed my own realization aside. Now, there was no containing it.
My thoughts crashed like waves with memories swirling in my mind. The first time I had touched Harry, my fingers ran along his mermaid tattoo. It was my favorite of his inkings, as I explained to him on his couch one night. The mythical creature was a constant reminder to let go of logic and embrace what beauty the unknown could hold. Louis was right, it was time for me to listen to myself. To take my own advice. To let go of logic and dive in deep, in search of a mermaid. The water wasn't a dark and scary place as it had once been. Now it was a clear blue sea.