"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."—Robert Frost
My eyelids flutter for a few seconds before adjusting to the warm glow of the bedside lamp. I don't know how I fell asleep and the last I remember is that I was crying because I had no idea what else to do. Crying doesn't solve your problems, but it sure does provide some inner comfort.
I sit up straight, resting my head against the headboard. Fate plays cruel tricks and you can't always fight back.
It's difficult to believe Todd said I love you to me. Did he really mean it or is it something else that I can't put my finger on? And then he kissed me as if he was never going to see me again. What was all that about?
I know I've been evasive about this whole thing, but what else can I possibly do? We had already made up our minds, but now everything has become so jumbled up that I have troubles thinking straight. None of this was ever supposed to happen, anyway.
But this is life...and you can't expect anything.
After a few minutes, I hear a knock on the door.
Todd.
Immediately, I straighten up my back and fix some buttons on my shirt.
I run a hand through my hair and sigh, "It is open!"
The door swings open and Todd steps inside, his eyes glued to me. His hair is sticking up in all places and I mentally scold myself for finding that attractive.
Honestly, I'm not ready to talk to him right now.
I feel the mattress shift as he sits down beside me. "So..."
I swallow hard.
"Look, Stella," he says, rubbing his hands together, "I-I just wanted to say that...I'm very sorry for what I said earlier. I don't know what happened to me all of a sudden and—"
I cut him off.
"I get it, Todd."
He raises his eyebrows at me. "You do?"
I nod.
"Yes, I do. And I know why you said what you said," I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, "it's something called 'the pre-divorce effects'. I read about it on the internet a few days ago."
I'm feeling like such a barefaced liar right now, but I have to do this because I've no other option. It's so unbelievable how I'm getting good at making up stories lately.
He breathes out, "Oh, well, that's relieving."
He's lying through his teeth because his smile doesn't even last two seconds. We're both deceiving ourselves that we don't truly love each other, but we do and the only reason why we're putting on this act is because we're both cowards. Well, I don't think I can be absolutely certain about Todd's feelings, but I'm certain about mine.
Yes, I love Todd, but we can't get back together because there are a few things I can't ignore, even if I want to. It is only today that the scales have fallen from my eyes and I've realized the truth.
I'm scared.
I'm scared because we can never stop arguing and just the thought of fighting with Todd almost every single day of my life petrifies me. Everyone wants to live in peace and so do I. Todd and I've always been in love with each other, but clearly, love didn't help us out to keep our marriage happy.
At the moment, we're both overwhelmed and we're just finding it hard to cope with these sudden changes.
"So, um, is everything cool between us?" he asks, running a hand through his hair.
I stare at him for three long seconds before nodding my head. "Yeah."
He licks his lips. "You know, it's a difficult time for us, but we'll get through this together, okay."
"Hmm."
He puts his hand on top mine and I turn my head, tearing my gaze away from him. I'm most likely to survive when he's completely ignoring me, but I can't move on if he's so friendly towards me. I don't think he knows, but he's making everything agonizing for me and this is just too much to deal with.
Sighing heavily, I pull my hand away. I want to say so many things to him, but I'm unable to articulate my words.
"Stella," he says, scratching the nape of his neck, "I've always loved you like a dear friend, okay."
His words just pierce my heart.
My jaw clenches. "Ditto."
He pauses for a fraction of a second, narrowing his eyes at me.
I can feel a tinge of sadness in his voice as he murmurs, "Um, good."
*****
I can't concentrate on my new article because Tammy is practically breathing down my neck.
"What's wrong with you?" I mutter, shooting her a glare.
She drags her chair towards me and sinks back into it, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I smell something wrong; what is it?"
"Nothing." I shrug.
She gives me a closed-lipped smile. "You didn't talk it out with Todd, now did you?"
"No, I didn't!" I spit the words at her.
Frankly, I'm so sick of all these discussions about my marriage and I don't want to talk about my relationship with Todd anymore. I want to breathe easily just for once. As a friend, Tammy should realize how difficult everything is for me and I just need her to give me some space to get back to normal again.
"Look, I am sorry," she says, biting her bottom lip, "you're my best-friend; I love you so much. I want to see you happy, Stella."
"Tam, I understand that and I'm grateful for all your help, but I'm getting agitated," I sigh.
She takes a sip of her coffee and makes a puppy dog face.
I chuckle, "You're such a pain in my ass."
"Language, Stella."
I scoff.
She takes another sip, making that silly face again.
I'm a bundle of nerves as Tammy continues to look into my eyes. She has sensed that something's wrong and I know she won't let it go until I spill the beans.
"Todd, uh," I say, taking a deep breath, "he said he loved me."
"What!" she squeaks.
I nod.
"Please tell me more because I don't know about you, but I do feel like some Love Guru right now."
I roll my eyes at her.
"Yes, he said that, but that doesn't mean we're getting back together."
She slightly shakes her head. "But why? I mean, he loves you and I'm sure you love him too, then what are you waiting for?"
"It's not always about love."
I'd have to put Tammy in my shoes to help her understand what's going on in my life. These past few days have been a chaotic mess for me and I don't think Tammy will understand my feelings because she's never been in a situation like this. But I do respect her concern for me.
"I don't understand," she murmurs.
"I don't want to live that grueling life again. I can't..." I trail off.
Tammy puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly.
"Everything will be all right soon, don't worry," she smiles, bringing the cup to her lips.
I smile back.
"Girls, you know, less talk and more work equals a happy boss."
Tammy and I snap our heads to find David standing in front of our desks. A big fake smile spreads across his round face as he tilts his head to a side and adjusts his tie.
I frown. What, are these penguins on his tie?
"Wow, David, I love your tie," Tammy says.
David grins, "Really, thank you so much."
I laugh inwardly. She can't be serious, right.
David clears his throat. "By the way, I came here to talk to you, Stella."
I raise my brows. "Me?"
"Yes, I need you to write an article on the topic: How to Not Destroy Your Marriage."
What!
I nearly jump out of my skin when he says that to me.
Biting the inside of cheeks, I speak, "But David, I'm not a Relationship Columnist."
"Yeah, I know that," he scoffs, "but Emily has fallen sick and I need this article written by the end of this week."
"What happened to Emily though?" I ask.
"Food poisoning," Tam replies.
"Okay, but why me?" I say, lifting one shoulder.
"Because you're experienced, Stella. I was worried sick because I had no idea who would write this article for me, but then came my angel Tammy," he says, flashing her a toothy smile, "she suggested me to ask you to write this article for me. And when she told me you were getting divorce, I couldn't agree more."
"I can't."
"Stella, please don't shatter my hopes...besides, you know if you write this article, your chances to become our employee of the year get higher, which means you get to visit your favorite holiday destination—for free."
I roll my eyes. "Fine."
David gives us both a wink before heading back to his office.
I didn't agree because I am greedy to become the employee of the year; I said yes because I wanted to get rid of David as soon as possible.
I frown at Tammy. "Why would you do that?"
"Yeah, you're right; his tie totally sucked."
"You know what I'm talking about?" I say through gritted teeth.
Why did Tammy tell David about my divorce? I don't want my personal life to become some juicy gossip among my colleagues. Eventually, people will find out about this new article I have to write. Soon, they will start to bombard me with questions and that'll be an embarrassing invasion of my privacy.
How could Tammy do this to me?
"I swear I didn't do it on purpose. We were just talking and I blurted everything out before I could stop myself," she says, darting her eyes to me, "me and my big mouth!"
I take a deep breath. "I don't know what to say...words fail me."
"Please forgive me Stella."
"No."
"Believe me, it was an honest mistake."
I shake my head.
She throws her hands up in the hair. "What do you want me to do? Wear a raffia skirt and do the hula?"
I smirk, "Yeah, I'd love that."
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Hey, I hope you liked this chapter.
One more thing: You know, it's totally okay if you don't vote; I'm cool with that. But I do want you to comment because I want to know what you guys think as you read the story. So, please comment if you can because it'll give me a chance to improve. I'd appreciate that a lot.
Thanks for reading anyway. :D