I let go of the breath I was holding. Licking my lips, I did it.
I knocked on the door.
"Coming!" I heard from inside.
This is it.
It felt like my mind was thinking about a million things when it was just thinking about one in particular.
I heard foot steps that were distantly approaching. There was a lock unlocking through the door. There was a latch being removed. There was a dark wooden door opening.
"Dan?"
There was him.
"Hi, Phil." He didn't say anything. He just stood there with his eyes staring into mine. I managed to put a smile on my face to prevent any awkwardness.
But it didn't work.
Phil slammed the door shut and his foot steps faded away. I knocked on the door again, sighing.
"Phil, can we talk, please?"
"We don't need to talk."
"Yes," I partially shouted, "we do!" I didn't think Phil would react in that way, but I wasn't surprised.
I heard a sigh from the other side of the door. A few seconds later, the door opened and I saw Phil's face again. My eyes became wide and so did my smile from seeing him.
He stared at me again for a second, examining me. "Come in," he sighed. I walked in his flat that opened right into the den. There was a grey sofa, coffee table, and a TV. Seemed nice and simple, but I wondered if this is where he first started emailing me. "You can sit." And so I did. I sat down on his grey sofa and shifted in my spot as he did the same next to me.
"Um, Phil-"
"Why the bloody hell did you think this was a good idea?" Phil interrupted.
"I just thought I should see you again," I said. "After all these years." He rolled his eyes and leaned back on the sofa. It became silent until he gestured his hand towards me, waiting for me to say something.
"Phil, I'm sorry."
"This was a bad idea."
"Can you please listen to me?"
"I had time to listen to you! Three years, Dan!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Sorry is bullshit," he scoffed. "I gave you so much time to answer back. The only time you did was to tell me 'hbd'. Who just says that?" I rubbed my face out of frustration.
"I know it is, Phil. Trust me, I do. And I am so sorry for what I did to you. I was an asshole. I was many things that you probably thought I was."
"No shit," he said. "And I still do."
"I wouldn't be surprised," I sarcastically spoke.
"You know I don't need this from you. In fact, I should just throw you out of my flat right now if I wanted to as you did."
"And you can! But guess what, Phil, you're not. I'm sitting right here next to you. Your old best friend is right here, asking for your forgiveness."
"Actually, you haven't even asked." Groaning, I stood up. I turned away from him and rubbed my face vigorously. I thought when I came here I would talk to him and say many things to ask for his forgiveness, but once I saw him, I went completely blank, because it was him.
I turned back to him, looking at him in the eyes. "Phil, I am completely sorry for everything I have done. I'm asking you to forgive me. I'm asking you if we can start all over again. Maybe even act like none of it happened, but I know I don't deserve any of it." He didn't say anything. "I know I didn't show up all those years," I continued. "I know I should've when you waited for a reply, but I'm here now, Phil. I'm here to tell you I miss you in person and not on a screen." He still didn't say anything. I sat back down on the sofa and sighed again. I looked down, questioning if this was even a good idea in the first place. "You can tell me you don't miss me if you don't," I said. "I'll get out of your flat and won't return."
I waited for a few minutes for him to say anything, but he didn't. It was difficult for him, though it was also for me, too.
I was trying to get my best friend back.
Knowing he wouldn't say a word, I stood up. I walked towards the door and put my hand on the doorknob. "I would be lying," I heard. "You threw everything away, Dan. It hurt." I could hear his voice softly break. Hearing that, I knew he was about to cry.
That's when I knew I broke his heart.
And it was the last thing I wanted to do.
"Don't cry, please," I spoke up. "I don't want you to cry."