The following day, a chilly Saturday, I feel almost tingly about last night.
Between the kiss and everything else I'm buzzing with excitement for the next adventure.
We stole a car, broke about five different rules and managed to get back without getting caught. It's the best feeling, not getting in trouble for something that's meant to get you into trouble. It's like standing on the edge of a roof, about to fall but then you step off, safe from going splat on the concrete.
I never want to lose that feeling. I don't want to go splat, I want to feel the fall.
The concept kind of thrills and scares me at the same time.
In the morning, Eileen drags me to breakfast; I'm reluctant. She even makes me put on a dress.
She looks tired too; with her short brown hair mussed up, smudged makeup, jeans and a t-shirt.
Nick and me share a few glances through breakfast but we're all so exhausted we don't talk much and some of us, like Savannah and Lance, are hungover more than anyone else. With the exception of Blake, we're all fighting off headaches.
I have a dull pain in my back of my head and my bones are kind of achy. My lips are chapped. I glance at Nick when I discover this and then look away just as quickly, he's acting like nothing happened between us. It kinda feels like a bee sting.
Layla drops her fork onto the glass plate at one point. Savannah hisses a shush and Lance groans. It's already loud enough in here; every little noise is like a drill to them.
Savannah is wearing dark sunglasses with her hair pulled into a ponytail that's falling out. I think she might be wearing one of Blake's shirts, or maybe it's Nick's. She drank the most and got the less amount of sleep, she might even still be drunk.
Her movements are lucid and the way she sips water with her lips pursed almost like it has a sour taste. Several of her manicured nails have broken off and she has a tiny dirt stain right next to her left ear.
"I feel like my head is going through a meat grinder," Lance squints down at his French toast, his blond hair falls into his eyes and he sniffles like he's fighting off a cold.
Layla looks the most put together, her hair knotted into a messy bun with a nude colored dress to match her nails. A silky smirk plays on her lips. "Good. "
"Shut up, Layla," Lance snaps. "You're perfect okay, we get it."
"Well," She smiles and crosses her arms happily. "I wasn't fishing for a compliment but thank you."
"It was sarcastic."
Lance slouches on the wooden bench and picks up his fork, full of eggs. He makes a face and drops it.
"Whatever," Layla shifts uncomfortably.
Savannah rubs her temples. "Guys, it's already loud enough in here can we just go back to not talking."
"Yeah, seriously," Nick agrees.
Savannah looks over at him and lifts her sunglasses up. She has a puzzled look on her face. "You aren't even hungover."
"No, you're all just annoying."
I take slight offense to his comment and I clear my throat loudly. He raises his eyebrows at me. I bite the inside of my cheek.
"I didn't mean-" He starts to say.
I cut him off. "Don't even bother, Nicholas."
"Oh, boy," Layla lightly hits Blake's shoulder as if to tell him to sit up and pay attention. He does, still chewing toast and looking from Nick to me.
"She just used your full name, bro," Lance states.
Thanks Lance, I think the whole table already noticed the tension. I don't say that, I don't say anything I just push my food around on the plate, eggs, toast and blueberries mixing together.
Nick is still staring at me, I can feel the heat of his eyes right on me and I finally let my fork fall which makes a clang, causing Savannah to jump.
"What?" I snap at him. He's making me feel unsure, he's being weird, acting like nothing happened but it's just breakfast. I have no idea what i expected to happen.
I was drunk, he was high, we kissed. End of story I suppose.
"You're mad at me," Nick says.
"I didn't think I was," I say. I look like I'm talking to a tiny blueberry. I squish my fork into it and it bleeds juice.
"I'm confused," Lance says. Layla shushes him loudly.
A beat passes where nobody says anything. Finally, after what feels like forever, Savannah speaks up.
"Ok, you guys just deal with whatever crap this is, I'm taking a fuckin nap," She stands and grabs her plate. She watches the table and when nobody moves, she stalks off.
"Do you need to talk to me?" Nick asks like maybe he's a therapist or something. I give him a blank stare. His lips also looked chapped.
"No," I say, smiling. "I don't, Nick."
I stand and grab my plate, dump it into the pile of the other dirty dishes and retreat back to my room.
I'm not angry at Nick, just confused. He seems like he wants to talk about the universe and do something important and like he could go into details about the shape of someone's hands and he's sweet, unexpectedly. One second he's endearing, he's sugar, he's almost a softness you can only feel and the next he's harsh and scrawled handwriting and 500 dollar shoes and he forgets that he wants everything to matter.
Maybe I think too much for every little thing he does but I can't help it. It's Nick.
Back in my room I lay down and as soon as my head hits my pillows I fall asleep.
****
I wake up right at lunch; Eileen has to shake me awake. My headache is better but my mouth is dry.
"How you feeling?" Eileen asks, sitting herself on my bed. When I don't respond right away she keeps talking. "I mean that whole thing with Nick was totally weird. Did something happen between you two? Last night?"
I sit up and try to smooth out my hair. "It's not a big deal and I'm fine."
"Hmm," She scrunches her nose in disapproval.
"What?"
"Nothing, I've just known Nick for a long time and well," She pauses to consider her words. I'm nervous. "He can be kind of an asshole."
"Yeah, I figured that out the first time I met him," I stand and stretch. I smooth out the wrinkles on Eileen's dress and put my shoes back on. Eileen starts rambling at me.
"He's really nice too sometimes and protective. He's also totally not selfish not like Lance anyway. Nick just comes off as a little lost sometimes, you know? And he just needs someone to guide him through things, not like, well, don't baby him but you just need to be clear do you get-do you get what I'm trying to say?"
"uh.."
"You'll figure it out, just be honest with him. Nick isn't very people smart but he's book smart," She shrugs.
"Thanks, Eileen," I sort of shake my head and walk out the door, she follows me, her heels clicking on the floor.
Layla, Sav, Blake, Lance and Nick are all at our usual table. Eileen waves to them and I pretty much duck my head to avoid eye contact with Nick.
We're waiting in line for food and I turn to Eileen. "Maybe we shouldn't sit with them today, Nick is being weird."
Eileen playfully rolls her eyes and places a hand on my arm. "Relax, for real, it's fine. Whatever happened just talk to him and you'll figure it out."
"We kissed," I say. "Quite a bit."
"Oh my god," She smiles, gushing at me. "That's so adorable."
"Yeah, well, he's acting like it never happened," I shift my feet, we shuffle forward.
"He hasn't had a girlfriend in like a long time," Eileen says. "He's just as confused as you are. Nick acts like he knows what's going on but really he doesn't have a clue just like the rest of us."
She leaves it at that and I don't respond. Maybe she's right, I should just let it play out and tell him that I don't want to be his friend that he kisses and then acts like he didn't kiss. i'm lying if I say I don't like him but I also want to figure him out before I dive into anything.
We get to our table, plates in hand and Savannah has perked up, showered and back to her vibrant self.
Nick doesn't say anything to me during lunch and I avoid looking at him. Layla keeps shooting me looks and I just smile back but she looks like she wants to slit my throat.
I'm one of the first that finishes my food so I bite out a quick see you later, take care of my dishes and leave the dining room.
Outside is cold and I almost want to lie down in the freezing grass just so my skin can get goosebumpy. The campus is quiet, chatter drifting from the dining room onto the main lawn. The castle like features against the cloudy sky make it look almost sinister. A cathedral full of blue people and their money.
"Hey."
I whip around when I hear his voice and sure enough Nick is standing there, soft t-shirt, cardigan, jeans. Little smile.
"Hey," I say.
"You hate me?" Nick asks. He's trying to be flirty but I don't give in.
"No, but I would like some not weird vibes coming from you." Did I really just say that? That made no sense. Nick doesn't seem perplexed though.
"Okay," He shrugs. "Sorry, if I've been weird."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
I don't know how he brushes everything off but I can't so I'm bothered. I can't tell if he's good at not caring or just pretending like he doesn't. Either way, there's just another piece of the Nick Puzzle that I'm trying to put together.
"Alright, thanks, we're done here I guess," I turn to walk away but he gently grabs my arm.
"Wait just a second, Anna," He doesn't pull me any closer to him than a couple inches but my heart still thumps loudly in my ribcage."You're still mad?"
"I'm not mad," Confused. Not mad. Trying to figure things out.
"Come out with me tonight then," Both his hands gently grip my arms. I'm taken aback but I look up at him, curious. Did he just ask me out?
"Why?"
"Why not?"
Damn it, Robinson.
I consider it for a moment. Maybe a night with him is what I need to figure things out. I'm unsure if he's asking me as a friend or a friend he's kissed on the mouth, at night underneath stars, romantically.
I sort of edge away from his grip and fiddle with the sleeves on Eileen's dress, thinking. I wanna be his friend before anything else happens.
"Okay, but I'm not breaking any rules," I tell him.
"Nobody says you have too," He smiles "Meet me in the garden at 10?"
Nick starts walking backwards towards the dining hall. I nod and he gives me another smile before turning around.
My heart's in my throat.
****
Dinner consists of the usual jokes and telling Lance to shut up. Nick kept looking at me.
It's 9:45 PM and I start making my way to the garden.
Nick is there already, wearing a blue polo shirt under a sweater.
I fiddle with my hair as I stand opposite from him, darkness and flowers around us both. "Hi."
"Hi."
Nick smiles at me, lit up by the moon and everything suddenly feels like a cliche and I start sweating. A beat passes between us and I have no idea what to say.
"Come on," Nick grabs my hand and I'm taken aback from his warm fingertips and leads me to the parking lot.
"Nick, what are we doing?" I ask my voice hushed, nerves bubbling inside me and confusion and more nerves stacked on top of that.
"Shh, you'll see," He takes out a key and unlocks the range rover from last night.
I sit in the passenger seat. Nick doesn't turn the car on. We sit in silence. "Well, I hope we aren't going anywhere."
"We're sitting in a parked car," Nick gestures around. I stare at him blankly. "You know, in the 50s and stuff the guy and the girl would sit in a parked car together and it was basically the biggest step ever, sitting in a parked car." He trails off. "You hate it, don't you? It's a stupid idea, I'm sorry."
I take a moment to process the sweet gesture "No, no, shut up, I- I love it,"
"Okay, good, because I got to be honest with you there is not a lot for us to do around here when it comes to a date."
"Date," I repeat, tapping my nails on my knees. I stop when I notice the nervous tick.
"I mean we could just hang out," Nick says, looking at me. "But that's sort of boring isn't it?" There he goes with that goddamn smile of his.
"I assume you don't get bored very often," I laugh nervously. God, I'm a mess around him, my stomach is like these butterflies inside it are having a battle.
"I like this keep things interesting, sure," He shifts slightly in his seat. I shift too, sinking down in the seat and putting my knees up on the dashboard.
"How so?"
"Doing scary stuff," Nick slouches.
"Like what? I wanna know stories about you," I almost cringe at that and he smiles at me. "Sorry, that sounded totally cheesy and kind of creepy."
"No, you're adorable it's fine," He waves his hand. My heart picks up at the fact that he called me adorable. "Um, yeah I have, uh, some crazy stories I guess but you're a little too innocent to hear them."
I sit up straighter. "I'm not innocent."
"Trust me, you are. I'm kind of baffled you're even here."
"What do you mean?" I can feel my eyebrows furrow in thought.
"You don't fit in with everyone else," Nick stares at the steering wheel.
I'm still confused. When I don't respond, he locks eyes with me to elaborate. "I don't mean that in the shitty you're not like other girls complement, everyone's different in their own ways but you're almost ethereal. You seem unreal to me."
I sit there stunned. It's probably one of the sweetest things anybody has ever said to me. I try not to blush too much but I grin at him.
"What?" He grins back.
"That was really sweet," I laugh, flattered.
"You're laughing at me?" He's still grinning but he covers his face with his hands as if embarrassed.
"Nick," I'm giggling and I grab his hand so he stops hiding his face but before I can pull away he pulls me closer.
I'm sure if this a romantic cheesy comedy about two kids in love that shouldn't be in love, we would lean a little bit closer across the distance separating us and dramatically kiss.
But I don't think I live inside a movie.
"I kind want to do something scary," He breaks the quick silence, leaning forward a bit. "Scary is good for you though."
"How is scary a good thing?" I ask him leaning forward a bit too; my heart is going Thump Thump Thump. I swear he can hear it.
"Keeps your pulse racing," Nick takes his hand and grabs my wrist, putting his fingers on my pulse. It picks up. "It makes you feel alive," Nick pauses and he takes my hand, holding it up so he can hold his palm flat against mine. "It reminds you how exciting everything is."
"You're saying being scared excites you?" I let him lace his fingers with mine.
Nerves are inside my throat and they travel down through my spine almost making me shake. I hate the effect he has on me but I don't think I want it to stop.
We've inched closer now, just a few centimeters apart in the car and I'm confused and I feel like I'm tumbling and like I have to remind myself to just breathe but I also know I want to kiss him.
Nick moves his other hand and puts it on the back of my neck. Warmth spreads throughout my whole body but I swear I could shiver.
Sometimes things just happen so quickly it feels like something erupted like a pot of water boiling over, the way gum snaps, the sound of a door slamming and it makes you jump.
Gum snapping, a door slamming, my lips crashing on Nick's, all of it falling into place when we kiss.
He leans forward to deepen the kiss and it just isn't close enough for either of us. I break apart from him so I can climb across the rest of the distance so I can sit in his lap. I'm straddling him, both my legs on either side of his hips.
Nick pulls me down to kiss him and my hands fly to his hair, tangling and pulling. He groans into my mouth and my breath hitches. I have to remember to breathe. He tastes like mint.
Seconds slip away while kissing him, getting pulled under a current that I want to drown in, minutes vanish while touching him, everything made up of stardust and I feel a part of the sky and then hours just fall through my fingers like silk, slippery and indulgent.
We just kiss and kiss, his hands fumbling up my dress, on my hips and thighs, scratch marks coating down my skin and I moan on his skin and everything gets rougher, bite marks and groans and grinding.
The car windows glaze over with condensation and my skin feels hot and his mouth stays on mine, on my neck and collarbone and I'm falling apart because of his hands and I feel like I'm in a romantic movie.
****
Monday arrives after a very uneventful Sunday. I saw Nick, we kissed a little, Eileen grills me about Nick in a very gossipy way.
"What did you guys do?" Eileen put a hand on her hip but her tone was playful.
"We just talked in the car," I shrugged, my legs curled up on the couch in the common room. Eileen stood, pacing slightly.
"And?"
"And?" I repeat. "That's it."
"I know you're not telling me everything but I'll let it slide for now Miss Kyle," She squinted at me.
I didn't want everyone knowing every detail about Nick and me, some details belong just to us. The whole group kind of knows about us in a way, it's pretty obvious but none of them directly point it out, except for Eileen.
Classes on Monday are so slow I think I might throw myself out the window but at one point Nick keeps glancing behind him at me during history.
Nick walks me to English after class which I have with Savannah.
We fall into step, perfectly in sync. We don't hold hands, stupid rules about PDA but every so often they brush together.
"How's life treating you?" He asks me. I like how genuine he is about everything, he just wants to know how I am, not many people do that but i still feel like i don't know him that well but that's just a small part of my head, in the very back of it.
"It's okay, classes a little boring," I shrug.
"Yeah, I know what you mean, I wish something exciting would happen."
"Like what?"
"Like me," Nick grabs my hand and pulls me into the nearest empty classroom. "Kissing you." He pulls me up by the waist and kisses me.
I'm lost for a second, pressed against him and savoring the way his mouth feels on mine. I pull back though.
"Okay, bad idea, Robinson."
"Good idea," He smirks.
I kiss him quickly and then untangle from him before I get too lost again.
"I'll see you later," I tell him.
"Looking forward to it," I swear to god if he keeps smiling at me like that every time I speak to him I'm going to have to bathe myself in holy water or something so I can cleanse my thoughts of every single thing I want do to him that runs through my head; things that are against the rules.
I push myself into the hallway and I'm almost late to history. I sit myself in front of Savannah who leans forward as soon as I sit down.
"You have to tell me about you and Nick."
I whip around to look at her; she's gleaming, glitter eyeshadow across her lids and light pink lipstick on.
"It's been like one day," I mutter.
"Shut up, we see you two at meals it's like staring at two animals who want to mate in a zoo," She waves her hand.
"Sav!" I screech, facing forward just as the bell rings. I'm sinking down in my seat. This is not what I want to happen at all. I do not want to be known for wanting to do Nick Robinson, it's only my second week, and I'm more than that.
"Hey, chill out," Savannah whispers in my ear. "I'm just kidding. Well, mostly, maybe not."
I turn around to glare at her. She smiles. Savannah Paul, world's biggest self-satisfied angel with a knack for trouble.
Mr. Kinkel starts passing out a worksheet. We're supposed to work in partners for it and everyone starts shifting around to pair up. Savannah basically jumps into the seat in front of me after the guy who smells like 40 different colognes moves.
"Hi, Sav," I exhale a breath.
"Hi, Anna," She says. "Now, tell me about your date with Nick."
"Uh, no, goodbye, adios, not a thing that's a thing, do not."
"Aw, you're blushing," She pokes my cheek. I do feel a little flushed. "That's adorable. I knew he liked you, I totally called it."
"Calm down, Sav, I don't want it to be a big deal. I'm like lowkey trying to stay under the radar," I tell her. I tap my pen on the desk.
"Should have mentioned that before you hopped on Nick's dick," She mumbles.
"Sav!"
"I'm kidding!"
"And besides we haven't even-" I clear my throat. The room is pretty abuzz with noise but I don't actually want to say the words 'had sex' so I just give Savannah that look the one that means 'sex but I don't want to say sex because there are too many people in this room and also I hate you'
"Aren't you cute," She's coming off as slightly patronizing and I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not.
"What do you even by that?" I sit up.
"By what?" Savannah looks down at the paper and then back at me.
"By if I wanted to stay under the radar I shouldn't have you know..."
"Oh!" Sav raises her eyebrows. "You know just that he's got a reputation like Miles fucking Calaway, like everyone knows he's a fucker and that you shouldn't fuck him."
"Okay, but," I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "I haven't heard anything bad about Nick."
"Yikes," She bites her bottom lip.
"Savannah," There's a note of warning in my voice.
"Okay, okay," She sighs loudly, shifts her legs so they're crossed and leans closer to me. "He's not very known for his solid life decisions."
"You're gonna have to be a little more helpful than that."
"Nick has just gotten into a lot of trouble you know?" She says. "And not the good kind like the kind that can get your ass sent to jail. He's had to get bailed out like 20 times or something. His parents only sent him here because they couldn't deal with him anymore."
"What?"
"Yeah, I know, it's crazy. He's only recently kind of gotten better but last year he almost got kicked out from Vale Amare for getting into a fight. He pretty much can't fuck up again or they're going to throw his ass out and even before this he was going to same private school and got expelled for arson."
"Arson?" I say it a little too loudly in shock and I think about three people look at me. I scratch my neck and stare back at Sav.
I'm trying to take in all the information. If his act goes down the toilet at all he could get kicked out. He may be prone to setting shit on fire. I fucking knew it, goddamn rich kids.
"Yeah," Savannah sighs again. "But he's pretty okay now, I wouldn't worry but people might think you're insane."
"Why?"
"You're dating someone who got kicked out of his last school for lighting a mop closet on fire."
"It was a mop closet?"
"Don't ask me why," She puts her hands up. "He was probably just high or something."
"This doesn't make me feel better, Savannah."
"Sorry," She frowns. "I didn't mean to ruin your thing with him."
"No, its fine."
In actuality it was not fine.
I'm sure she's right about him being less prone to getting into trouble but I didn't want to do anything to set it off, set off a chain of bad choices caused by me.
I was already breaking rules left and right like it wasn't a big deal when really it was a huge deal because I could lose my scholarship. Which would also mean losing Nick. I was not ready for that.
"Savannah?"
"Yeah," She blinks at me.
"Don't you ever worry about getting caught?" I whisper. "You guys are always breaking the rules like they're nothing, even if they give you warnings first it still means if Nick is there when you guys fuck up he's gonna be gone."
"Do you remember the night we met?" I nod. "Okay, remember what I said, that you need to not worry?" I nod again. "Keep doing that. You need to just let go, forget about the bad things that might happen and focus on the good stuff that is happening."
"I don't think that's very clever," I say.
"You worry and it ruins you, trust me I know," She gets blue for a moment, changes from a shiny pink to a light blue within seconds. "I worried about everything forever and the day that I started saying fuck it made my life so much better. If you worry, it just eats you up, you can't trust anyone because hey what if they leave you? What if everyone hates you? What if your dad is cheating on your mom? You just ignore it. You don't worry about it, Anna."
"Did your dad cheat on your mom?" I ask her. I get her point but I don't think she wants to admit it might be wrong. You can't ignore everything forever, eventually if it's going to come back and drown you.
"Yeah," She nods, looking down at her pen. "But I didn't worry about it and my parents are still together."
"Sav," I say, stunned. "You need to tell her."
"No," She shakes her head, her dark hair gracefully bouncing. "I don't worry about it."
I open my mouth to reply but I don't know what to say. Savannah wants to live inside a bubble, a bubble of happiness and pills and clouds of smoke. She's okay for now, safe inside it, not worrying but one day it's going to fucking burst and I'm not sure I want to be there when it shatters her.
"Okay," I say. "I won't worry."
"Good," Savannah is back to smiling. "Now let's do this stupid worksheet."