Word count: 3826
Trigger warning: self harm, depression/depressing thoughts, mentions of rape, verbal abuse, mentions of physical abuse, mentions of alcoholism, anorexia, suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder.
Phil's p.o.v.
Finally I can see my family and tell them what's really happened. I know it's late but I didn't want to tell them until I was face to face. This is too important. I know it's the holiday but this is the only time I can see them before treatment starts.
"Phil sweetie! It's been too long!" My sister yelled as she grabbed me.
"It really has, Sarah, I'm sorry about that. I've just been so busy," I tried to explain. In reality I've just been terrified to talk to them about it. "Actually I need to talk to you and mom and dad if that's okay."
"Phil? Whats wrong?" She looked at me with worry.
"I'll explain when I have mom and dad here. I'll meet you guys in the living room in half an hour after I take my things up and unpack a bit." I carried my suitcase upstairs as she went to go find our parents.
-30 minutes later-
"Hey mom, dad, Sarah. I've been really reluctant to tell you guys this but I've been recently diagnosed with manic depressive disorder, or bipolar disorder. There really are no treatments but I'm starting treatment soon. I hope to get better before I cause anyone any trouble, but I feel so bad because I've held this if for so long. Not even Dan knows. I know he thinks I've been a bit crazy but I hope he understands that I'm going through something really rough right now. It's coming in waves where I'll get suddenly angry or mad and I take it out on Dan, but the worst part is that I don't even remember what I've done after it happens. I've fallen into a bad drinking habit as well and I don't remember my nights at all. I've never asked Dan because I'm afraid of what he might tell me I've done and I've been completely ignoring him for the longest time, unless I get mad. I just don't know what to do; I've been a shit boyfriend and brother and son and person and I hate myself so much and I just want this to go away." I explained everything very slowly and by the end I was crying. I usually never cry but it was all to much remembering what I've done - or not being able to remember.
Just as I finished explaining and my family sat there in shock, my phone started going off in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked down at it, seeing pj's name across the top. He wouldn't call me unless it's an emergency because he knows I'm visiting family. I quickly answer it and step out into the hallway asking quietly, "hello?"
"Phil! Phil! It's Dan, you have to come home right aw-!" He didn't even finish before I was interrupting him.
"Dan?! What wrong p.j.?! What's wrong with Dan?!" I asked worried.
"Phil.. he's tried to kill himself. Dan tried to kill himself," he said much calmer and slow as to try and not break down himself.
My world stopped. Everything slowed down as I looked at my family down the hallway. They were all looking at me already and as soon as I made eye contact with my sister, she was up and running toward me. Luckily she caught my phone before it hit the ground and tried to keep me from falling as my knees buckled and my body suddenly felt much too heavy to hold. Tears rolled silently down my cheeks and I choked on my sobs. My sister let me down gently and placed the phone to her ear, asking what happened. As soon as she heard, she was looking down at me in disbelief.
"Well have him back late tonight. Text us the information about the hospital. Keep us updated," then she hung up the phone. She tried pulling me up as she whispered soothing things in my ear such as, "it's gonna be okay," "he's gonna make it" "he's so strong Phil. Be strong for him. He needs you."
She pulled me up the stairs and laid me in my bed. I immediately curled up as she packed all my things. Soon she was done as I didn't have much, and she was packing up the car.
"Come on Phil. We have to go see Dan." Everytime that name came up I cringed and more tears fell. This is all my fault, I know it.
-at the hospital-
"Pj!" My sister yelled. She pulled me along as I was slumping everywhere and couldn't hold myself up. The tears dried up in the car, but soon there will be more, I can already feel it.
"Hey Sarah. Hey Phil. I'm so sorry about this. I just let myself in the apartment trying to comfort Dan while you were gone and ...I found him... oh god." He put his head in his hands and I could tell he'd been crying this whole time. My sister put her arm on him and we all sat down together. I still hadn't said anything and i wouldn't until I knew Dan was okay.
We waited for a couple of hours, not talking much, until the doctor came out.
"Family of Dan Howell?" He called out. We raised our hands and he walked over. "What relation do you all have to Dan Howell?" he asked.
"This is his boyfriend, Phil and I'm Phil's sister, Sarah, a good friend of Dan's. And this is pj, Dan's best friend. He's the one who found him," my sister explained. The man shook his head but looked confused.
"Why hasn't the family been contacted?" He asked.
"They have. But they disowned Dan along time ago. Phil is all he has. And pj, but Dan lives with Phil." The doctor nodded his head.
"Well Dan is now in recovery. He had to go into surgery to get his stomach pumped and transfuse blood and stitch his cuts and provide him with protein. He cut deeply on his wrist, both right and left, on his chest, stomach, and thighs. There are signs that he had already been self harming there before hand as well, possibly for several months. He looks to be suffering from a severe case of anorexia as he had hardly any fat on his body. He also took a whole bottle of pills. This seems to have been all was very planned out. He knew exactly what trouble it would be to put him back together, but I think we've managed. He's stable now; but it all depends on how the next couple of nights go. We hope he wakes up in the next couple of days and we will keep you all informed."
"When can I see him?" I asked, my voice scratchy.
"Soon hopefully. We want to make sure nothing will go wrong then you can visit him." I shook my head. "You should all go home and come back tomorrow to check on him. If anything drastic happens we'll have you contacted right away."
We all mumbled okay and got up. Pj offered us to stay at his as I wouldn't to be in my own home. I agreed.
- the next day -
We visited the hospital with little luck. Dan was still asleep. He was alive though; he had to live. This is all my fault. I was such an awful boyfriend neglecting him. I shouldn't even be allowed near him.
"Umm.. Hey Phil," pj mumbled as he walked in. I just looked up at him so he continued. "So I didn't really know when I should give it to you, but they found this with the... note. It has your name on it. And there's this, apparently it's a journal that he wanted you to read. I'm sorry if this is inconvenient but I thought you should know." I placed out my hand and he laid the paper and book in them, soon after leaving the room.
Honestly I dont want to read it, but I knew it was for the best. After all I finally get to find out what made Dan so upset. So I start...
There are dates all the way back to when we first moved in together; so I skipped around a bit. Oh, the day I got diagnosed. He started talking about the stuff I was doing. I kept reading, all the way to the end, the entire time tears rolling down my cheeks and a hand over my mouth.
He can't be serious.
I... I did this?... I did all those awful things to him?... He was never fat! He was never worthless! He was beautiful and amazing and I loved him and he didn't deserve any of this shit. I completely ruined his life just by being a selfish dick. I'm so disgusted with myself it's unbelievable. I should've gotten help and I should've told him. I should've told him I loved him. Now i may never see him again. He could fucking die tonight and it would be all my fault.
I can't see him. Yeah, I want to know if he's okay, but after he wakes up and comes home, I won't be here. I don't know where I'll go, but he deserves so much better than me. I'm such a piece of shit.
- at the hospital -
Dans p.o.v.
"Phil, I told you that you didn't have to get me this," I said looking at the flowers and chocolate.
"Yeah, but I love you. And I'm so sorry Daniel. I'm so sorry. i love you so much. You're so beautiful and wonderful and I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you," he said with tears in his eyes. Truthfully I don't want to forgive him, but I love him so much. I have to.
"Why did you do those things to me Phil?" He looked surprised.
"Huh?"
"Why did you do those things to me?" He just shook his head.
"You need to wake up, dan."
At first I was confused, but then I started hearing a beeping noise. I heard a door open and people taking about my status. My status? Why do they care about my status? I wanted to ask so bad. I tried opening my mouth, but nothing. I tried opening my eyes, but they only fluttered. I tried moving, but my entire body was unresponsive.
I wanted to scream, to get out of here and see Phil, but I could've move or speak. My heart beat increased and the doctors noticed. They both stopped taking and I assume looked at me. I fluttered my eyes again in hopes that they'd see I was awake.
"Sharon, did you see that?"
"See what doctor?"
"He just moved his eyelids. He's trying to open his eyes."
"Should I contact his friends?"
"Yes, right away. I'll remove the sedative. Maybe he'll be more responsive."
"Yes sir." I heard her heels clamp as she walked away. Suddenly I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt lighter and more controlling. I tried opening my eyes again, and I could start seeing light flooding into my eyes.
I looked over to see the doctor smiling down at me. "Welcome back. You made it." I made what? Where have I been?
I don't remember anything.
- at the house -
Phil's p.o.v.
I had gone back to the apartment and had just finished packing up my things when my sister called.
"Phil he's awake! The doctors want us to come in right away!" On the inside I was ecstatic, but I knew what I had to do.
"You guys go without me, I have some stuff to do." I knew she would be shocked but I didn't care. I hung up.
I gathered all of my things and walked out to the moving truck. I started packing up my suitcases and belongings. I left some things like my games and some of Dan's favorite clothes of mine and some other things he might want. I don't really need any of it. All I need is him. But he's gone; I can't have him. He's no longer mine.
After I finished packing my things up, I drove off to my parents house. I know it's not ideal but this was a last moment idea. It'll take time to get another place.
- at the hospital -
Dan's p.o.v.
"Dan I'm so happy you're okay. What was going on in your mind that made you believe you could just leave us? Dan you're so important to us, what made you want to leave?" Pj asked. Before i could answer the doctor interjected.
"I'm afraid he can't answer that question. He doesn't remember. Any of it. The only person who may know is Phil, and he's not here."
"I'm going to call him again," Sarah said and walked out.
A couple of minutes passed and she walked back in.
"He said he'll be here later. He said he needs time before he can see you again. I don't know what that's supposed to mean."
- later at the hospital -
Phil's p.o.v.
"Philip Lester."
"Okay who are you here to see?"
"Daniel Howell."
"Room 310 sir."
"Thanks," I said as I walked away. I know I wasn't supposed to see him again, but they said he doesn't remember. Maybe I can have one last good conversation with him before I show him his journal and let him hit me as many times as he'd like and kill me if he wanted. I deserve it.
I walked up to his room and stood outside fire 10 minutes before a doctor came up behind me.
"Are you lost sir?"
"No I just need a minute."
"He's been asking about you. I'm his doctor, by the way. He doesn't remember why he tried to commit suicide and all he's wanted was you. He's scared, and he needs you." He patted my back sympathetically.
He's right. I took a deep breath before opening the door slowly and seeing Dan smile with my sister and Pj. I've missed that smile. His eyes turned toward me and his smile faltered. He swallowed.
"Phil?"
I walked in and made my way to his bed. I sat down on the side of it and smiled weakly down at him.
"Hey Dan." He started crying. "Why are you crying?"
"I'm so sorry Phil. I'm so sorry." My heart clenched because he has nothing to be sorry for, this is my fault.
"Dan you have nothing to sorry for," I said as I pulled him into a hug. I've missed his hugs. "This is all my fault," I said under my breath. Luckily he didn't hear me.
I hugged him tighter. "I love you, dan. I love you so much. I'm so sorry."
"I love you too Phil."
"No you don't," I said pulling away. "You don't love me."
"Phil what are you taking about?"
"I know why you tried to kill yourself Dan. It's all my fault. I fucking hate myself for it. That's why I didn't come, because i knew if you saw me you'd only try to die again. I'm a monster. And you don't love me." I stood with tears in my eyes, and pulled the journal out of my jacket pocket. "Read this. Ill leave if you want me to, but I want to be here when you see what I've done to you. I want you to hurt me more than I've hurt you. Kill me if you'd like, I don't care anymore," I said seriously looking into his eyes.
He looked so confused and scared, but he reached out a shaky hand and held the journal. He carefully opened it and I held my breath. He skipped around a bit and skimmed the pages. Eventually he slowed down and actually read every word. This happened for about 5 minutes and he kept wiping his eyes because he was crying so hard. No noise could be heard in the room besides the sound of him crying. He stopped reading after he reached the final page and that's when he cried the hardest. He threw the journal at me and I let it hit me. He put his head in his hands and just cried for what seemed like hours. I wanted to hug him and comfort him but I knew that would be worse than just letting him cry.
"Why?" He whispered out.
"I have bipolar disorder. I get angry or mad and I take it out on the first person I can. I don't remember afterward. I also drink a lot. I can't remember nights at a time and I always wake up confused. Ive never told you because I was terrified you would leave me. Little did I know that by not telling you, you tried to leave me anyway. At least if I just told you and gotten help you would be alive and happy. I mean Jesus Christ you tried to kill yourself," my voice cracked as I said that. "Fuck," I whispered as I started crying so hard I couldn't see. "Can you please punch me or kick me or stab me already. I fucking hate myself for what I've done to you and I can't stand to look at you anymore... just please." I said as I turned around.
There was a moment of silence.
"I'm not going to hurt you Phil. I knew why you did those things to me and while I don't completely forgive you, I do love you. And I want to help you get through this. Please don't shut me out Phil. Please don't. Because that'll only hurt us both."
I still didn't turn around because I knew if I looked him in the eyes I would break.
"No Dan. Consider me our of your life. I won't bother you anymore. Maybe without me you can find someone who will treat you like you're the moon in the sky instead of dirt on the ground, like I've treated you. I'm so sorry." And without even turning around I walked out of the door and out of his life.
-a year later -
Phil's p.o.v.
I officially moved into my parents basement shortly after leaving the hospital. Currently I work in a local shop selling clothes and furniture items. It's not a lot but I get by. I could raise enough to move out but I would feel alone.
I haven't talked to Dan since that day. He probably moved on and is happy now, while I'm still living in shit, but it's what I deserve for what I've done. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life.
"Phil were going out! Are you sure you'll be okay?" My mother called. Apparently because I live here I'm 10 years old, so she feels the need to check up every minute of my life.
"Yes mother. I'm 28 I can take care of myself. Kinda," I called back up. Obviously I can't take care of myself entirely or I wouldn't be living at home.
"Okay we love you! Be safe!" Shortly after I heard the door shut.
About 2 minutes passed with me just sitting on my bed when I heard the stairs creek. Of course I was terrified. I sat up and called to see who was there. I wish I could never see again.
Dan.
Dan was standing there in all his beauty looking down at me laying in my pjs in the basement of my parents house. And I'm supposed to be 4 years older than him. Oh how the tables have turned.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered.
"I'm here to talk. About what happened." He walked the rest of the way down the stairs and sat at the end of my bed. I took this time to notice he looked vaguely similar to the last time I saw him, only less skinny and without tape in his wrist. I have to say I prefer this version of him.
"You look so different," he commented shyly. Do I really? I don't keep up with my appearance anymore without anyone to impress. I have some facial hair now that I try to keep down and i wear my glasses all the time. The bags under my eyes have gotten deeper and hair longer. Dan looked like a god compared to me. Well he always looks like a god. I just look like trash.
"I can't ready say the same to you. You still look beautiful as ever." I didn't really mean to say it, but what do I have to lose. He blushed and looked down.
"Thank you. But in not here to talk about me. I'm here to talk about us," he said seriously.
"Then talk."
"I remember all that happened. After I was released. It took time but after a few rough nights I was able to piece together what happened. What you did was horrible and at first I was mad. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised why you did it. And I started to understand. I've talked to your parents. They say you're taking medication and even if you dont, you're calm. You've improved a lot and stopped drinking entirely. They say you're really sad all the time and that you work at a store, but you're not happy there. They say they haven't seen you smile the same since when you were with me. And I've been thinking. I still love you. Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do. I always will."
"Great. Then will you move back in with me?"
"Dan you can't be serious. I could never. I don't know what I could do to you."
"For fucks sake Phil, I don't care. If anything happens I know what's wrong and what to do now. I have people I could contact for help. This time is different. And I want you in my life. Please I need you in my life. I love you and im so alone without you it's unbearable. What do you say?" He looked so hopeful and wanting. I slowly shook my head yes and he teared up a bit but I knew they were happy tears.
"Don't cry Dan. I love you," I said as I reached over and stroked his cheek, wiping away the tears.
"I love you too."
He leaned in slowly as I did too and our lips meet for the first time in almost a year. It was absolutely perfect, even if I was trash and he was a god. We mended perfectly and i don't know if I could ever go another day without him by my side.