Every time I see him it's like time freezes, in that moment the only people that exist are him and I. I see him, with that amazing smile, and his beautiful blue eyes. My breath catches, my mind starts going ninety to nothing. Look at him. He's so wonderful. My best friend. My reason to smile. My light at the end of the tunnel. I quickly think back to all the signs that he liked me back when I harbored these feelings, back when I myself didn't realize how perfect he is for me. I would always blow off the suddle comments, the sweet gestures, let a quick smile brush across my face, changing the subject to something less intense. Small talk. He's been there all along. He never misses an opportunity to make me smile or laugh. He has no idea how much that means to me. How incredibly unselfish that is. How much I love him for that...
Love, it's a strong word. A word that describes only the deepest of feelings for another person. I know love is a word not to be thrown around, but I swear this couldn't be anything else. I remember him literally doing anything possible to make me smile that day in class when I was crying. All over a boy who used me as a pass time. He told me he loved me, had me fooled the whole time. When he got bored he threw it all away. Just tossed us aside not even giving a second thought to how much I wanted us to work. To how much I loved him, but I unlike him I genuinely did love him. I ignored all the signs, because I wanted us to last. I thought we had something real. I thought if I just "hung in there" it would change, he would change, but I just wasted my time. I spent 15 months with the same mind set, with that same "hang in there" mind set.
I thought I was happy. I thought he made me happy. Little did I know I was forcing it. I was telling myself I was happy. When I'm with Ryan I'm happy all the time. It's like all along he was there, and I just always thought of him as a close friend. Even when he flirted with me I just laughed it off. I never realized I was friend zoning him the whole time.