a/n: Hi Gias! Sorry wasn't able to do an update yesterday as I intend to, the king size bed at the hotel I checked in last night was to blame. Anyways I'll try to update again a little later to make it up to you. ^_^
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If people were rain, I'd be a drizzle
She'd be a hurricane.
- J. Green
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"When I was younger I was afraid of heights, looking over the rails of sky scrappers, plane windows and glass walled elevators. It was when I was older that I realized it's not about heights. It was the fear of falling, the feeling of losing control, and the sudden impact down below that scares the shit out of me. Because I know once I made contact to the ground only my heart was broken."
- From the Room of Unrequited love and Vodka
~G. Galura
"How do you write like this? How can you just compare acrophobia to fear of falling in love and getting your heart broken and get away with it?" Rhian asked as she finished reading my literature assignment; it has something to do with comparison or metaphors
"You know it's just the same right? It makes perfect sense don't you think? Bakit ba natin sinasabing nahulog na tayo sa isang taong nagugustuhan natin? Bakit siya tinawag na falling in love? Tapos pagnasaktan or hindi tayo sinalo heart broken diba? So take that fear of falling as in literally then connect mo siya sa isa sa greatest fear mo like for me, acrophobia. And it'll still make sense kasi falling in love like falling from a building once it ends, once you hit the ground lalo na pag di ka nasalo. It's either you endure the pain of a broken heart or you die figuratively or literally."
"Hmm... Pero saan ka mas takot?"
"Mula ng makilala kita Rhian? I realized falling in love scares me more." I said nervously laughing
"Bakit naman?" she asked slyly smiling
"Kasi mas malaki yung probability na mahulog ako sayo kesa sa mahulog ako galing sa rooftop ng building na to. And I know exactly kung anong mas masakit."
"Eh di magsabi ka kung mahuhulog ka na, para naman masalo kita." She said in a joking tone
"Seryoso ka ba?"
And of course ang laging sagot niya sakin, ngiti, iling or tawa; I guess that's how it'll always be. Uncertain.
+++
"Cha! Tara na kasiiii mag-aalas kwatro na!" yakag ni Chynna sakin pero nakaupo pa din ako sa sahig ng rooftop, nagdadalawang isip pa din akong pumalit sa vocalist ng Hapipaks.
"Ikaw nalang kaya kumanta sige na! Ikaw naman may gusto eh!" maktol ko
"Nako napagusapan na natin to eh! Tigilan mo ko sa kaartehan mo Glaiza Galura!"
"Chyns! Cha! Ano tara na sa practice mo?" Biglang pasok ni Rhian hatak hatak si Sheena
"Pilitin mo nga Rhi, ayaw eh ang tamad!" Inis na sabi ni Chynna sabay batok sakin
"Aray ha!"
"Ano bang gusto ng baby?" biglang upo ni Rhian sa harapan ko napatigil ako sa lapit ng mukha niya sakin
"Ha? - ehh - ahh - -" Utal ko
"Dali halika na please? Practice ka na." ngiti niya at kindat, yung boses niya parang nangaamo ng baby na ayaw papilit.
"Hay! sige na nga po! Eto na tatayo na nga eh." Madali kong sabi sabay kuha ng gamit dahil hindi na ako makahinga
Hay Rhian! Ano ka ba wag ka namang ganyan -_-
She took my hand and pulled me up to my feet, akala ko bibitaw na siya pero hindi, she entwined our fingers and gave me the sweetest smile na parang nagsasabing 'practice ka pa with Patricia na yun ha? Not gonna happen' kaya lalo akong kinabahan.
She's sweet natural kay Rhian yun pero maging clingy parang hindi ata o baka pinagtitripan nanaman niya ako like every time. Binigyan ako ng makahulugang tingin ni Sheena at Chyns; si Sheena halatang nagtataka pero si Chyna palihim na nag-totwo thumbs up kaya napailing nalang ako.
Bumaba kami sa band room sa may ground floor na katabi ng student council office at nakita kong naghihintay na silang lahat.
"Hi Glai! Hi Guys! Full support tayo ah?" Bati agad ni Patricia napansin ko namang humigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Rhian sa kamay ko
"Hi." I awkwardly smiled, napatingin si Patricia saglit sa kamay namin at tumingin ulit sakin ng nakangiti
"Ahh oo Patricia, solid friends eh." Sabat ni Chynna, tawa naman ni Patricia at sangayon
"So tara?" baling sakin ni Patricia sabay hawak sa kanang kamay ko para hatakin papunta sa mga kabanda niya pero hindi agad napabitaw si Rhian humigpit pa lalo ang hawak sa kamay kong nawawalan na ng pakiramdam
"Ahh ehh Patricia, wait lang ha? May kausapin lang ako." Sabi ko sabay marahang hatak ng kamay ko mula sa kanya, saka ko hinatak pabalik kila Chynna at hinarap ang nagmamaktol na si Rhian.
"Rhi? Magpapractice na kami..." sabi kong malumanay kahit sa isip ko pinupukpok ko na siya dahil I don't know what exactly is her deal right now.
"Bakit kelangan ka pa hawakan nung made in china na yun?" She pouted at natawa ako itinawag niya kay Patricia
"Wala namang mali sa ginawa niya ah?" Maang ko na lalong kinakunot ng noo niya kaya lalo akong natawa
"Babantayan mo naman ako diba?" I said winking
"Okay sige, pero wag ka masyadong lumapit sa kanya. Ha BABE? Okay?" Sabi niya ng mejo malakas upang marinig ng mga band members ng Hapipaks na naghiyawan naman.
"Rhi - -" Ngiting sabi ko pilit siyang tinatanong ng mata ko kung anong meron pero ngumiti lang siyang nakakaloko at inulit ang B-word
"Babe. Okay?" sabi niya sabay halik sa noo ko. Kaya napatango nalang ako at kamot kilay na lumapit sa Hapipaks
"Woooow kayo pala ni Howell? Di ko alam na she sways that way." tanong agad nung lalaking hindi ko pa nakikilala, kaya ngumiti nalang ako, bigla naman akong inakbayan ni Patricia at ginulo pa ang buhok ko
"Guys! So this is Glaiza, siya sana ang papalit kay Sol. So Glaiza, ang mga boys, si Macky...
"Lead." Sagot naman nung Macky
"And Joseph..."
"Drums bruh!"
"And ako yung bassist."
"Hi sa inyo. Kelangan ko pa ba ng audition piece?" Biro ko
"Nako! Di na kelangan ilagare na natin yang voice box mo! Malapit na din yung play eh." Sabi ni Macky
"Oo nga! Sample nalang dali!" Sabat ni Joseph
"Hala ano bang gusto niyong kantahin ko?"
And the whole afternoon goes on with us practicing the songs they chose to perform before the Romeo and Juliet play starts; Rhian stayed faithful to her role-play as my 'babe'. Kahit na alam kong laro lang yun para sa kanya di ko mapigilang matuwa at kiligin sa mga ginawa niya buong maghapon. She made sure everything I needed was ready to be handed to me. Para siyang SM department store nun, she got it all for me kaya napuno din ng kantyaw ang practice na yun.
What's funny was, I almost thought na baka totoo na nga yun. Pero kahit gaano ka genuine sa feeling ko ang lahat, I didn't get my hopes too high, takot pa din ako sa matataas na lugar, and Rhian's taking me to her own kind of higher place; at kahit gaano ko ihanda ang sarili ko, still it scares the shit out of me. But then I can't help acknowledge this swelling feelings I have for her; it's so strong I can feel it's almost love.
Naging mas madalas ang mga practice ng Hapipaks since sinasanay pa nila ako at sinasanay ko din ang sarili kong kasama ko sila at papalapit na din ang finals meaning malapit na din ang play. The band was great sobrang nakakabuhay ng dugo pag tumutugtog na sila at mas napagbubuti ko din yung pagpeperform as the days passed.
+++
Most of my time was spent with the band and my acads, which has weigh strain to my constant communication with Rhian. Miski kasi sila naging busy na and with my band rehearsal hindi ko na din nagagawang dumalaw like before. I felt bad, kasi baka may maisip siyang kung ano. I know walang something samin pero we're friends, special even and with my growing feelings pa din; I'm starting to miss more of her.
Until one time nacancelled yung practice namin kasi nagka-emergency si Joseph sa family niya. I was both happy and sad that time. Happy kasi makakabisita ako sa rehearsal ng play and sad kasi last song nalang ang ipapolish namin. I bought them water and snacks as usual silang tatlo nila Rhian, Chynna and Sheena and I also texted them na makakabisita ako and kahit walang nagreply pumunta pa din ako.
It was around five in the afternoon and I know they're already in the middle of the practice but then I was surprised to see Chynna outside the auditorium, looking frantic and when she saw me she almost jumped in front of me to stop me from getting in.
"Cha, wag ka na munang pumasok - - medyo high blood si direct kasi may hindi magawang scene si Romeo at Juliet... Baka lalong madistract si Rhian pag nakita ka..."
"Madistract? Why? Ano bang scene?"
"Yung kissing scene... Luis wanted to push for the real thing kasi for art naman daw kaso si Rhian ayaw..."
"Teka eh bakit si Luis ang masusunod? It's only a play bakit may ganun pa? hindi naman ata yun ikatataas or ikabababa ng grade niyo? Nasa creative execution nalang nila yun diba?"
"Ayun na nga..."
"Hmmm sige, you take this nalang for you guys." Sabi ko sabay abot ng dala kong paper bag
"Alright. Thank you Cha. Maghihintay ka pa ba samin? Mga 1 hour nalang to."
"Sure sige why not. Sa oble nalang ako maghintay."
After an hour of waiting, ine-expect ko na silang tatlo but then dalawa lang ang dumating...
"Where's Rhi?" I asked
"Ahh ehh - -" utal ni Sheena
"Ano Cha, nauna na may emergency daw..."
"Hmm ganun ba... so ano tara na? hatid ka na namin Sheens."
"S-sige..."
We walked to the parking lot in our slowest manner, hindi ko maintindihan yung dalawa sa likod ko at para talagang sinasadya nilang bagalan yung paglalakad at pareho silang mukhang constipated. Nung nasa parking na kami, something - - I mean someone caught my attention.
I saw her. And I was nailed to where I was standing, my right hand hanged from getting my keys. She's smiling; they're smiling at each other. My mind couldn't comprehend why she looks happy with her ex-boyfriend's arm dangling dangerously low on her waist, why she's smiling as her ex-boyfriend opened the door of his car for her to get in with the obvious one full swig he took on her body with his eyes, and why she's actually with her ex-boyfriend again.
I robotically turn my head to where my other two friends are standing pero parang pati sila gulat na gulat sa nakita nila. So I reverted back my eyes at such a lovely reconciliation, I took a hesitant step forward hoping she'd see me across the darkly tinted window but Chynna and Sheena stopped me. I watched as the car pass us by and I knew in a split second our line of sight aligned and I didn't see any sign of remorse from those dazzling chocolate brown eyes.
"A-alam niyo ba yun? Na sila na ulit?" I stiffly asked, realizing kung bakit all this time for the past three weeks hindi nag-eeffort si Rhian na kausapin o kamustahin ako. Akala ko busy lang sila sa play. May iba pala siyang kinabibisihan.
"Kaya ba ayaw mo kong papasukin sa auditorium kanina? Hindi sa kissing scene yun no?" I accused Chynna.
"Ano pang di ko alam?" I asked trying to hold my emotions kasi wala naman silang kasalanan at ayokong may mapagbuntunan ng inis ko.
"They got close again, after nung makasali ka sa band, di din namin alam kung anong gustong mangyari ni Rhian." Sheena softly said
"Sige na tara na."
"Cha ako na magdadrive." Chynna offered and monitoring the state of my mind and heart I accepted her offer, sobrang nawalan kasi ako ng gana. There's this prickly feeling sa my chest part ko. Ganito ata yung feeling ng first heartbreak; taking in na hindi naman naging kami at isa lang kaming malaking question mark.
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I gave her the cold treatment, although parang hindi naman na kelangan kasi hindi din niya ako pinapansin. But still I gave her the cold treatment hanggang yung isang araw naging isang linggo, na naging dalawa. Hindi pala madaling bigyan ng cold treatment yung taong mas cold pa sa treatment mo sa kanya.
Sa sobrang stress ko, sa acads, sa band sa debate team, sa kanya, pati na din ang pressure ng binibigay ng family ko sakin, Monday ng third week without anything from Rhian, I found myself buying a pack of Marlboro lights and lighter sa 7-11. Wala akong alam sa paninigarilyo maliban sa hithit-buga. Tama naman diba? So that day I started - - no to accurately put it into words I tried. Nasa rooftop ako nun hawak ang isang stick at ang lighter, my hands were literally shaking and it took me a few try para masindihan yung stick and guess what at first puff inubo ako agad. I was coughing hard kasi yung usok biglang derecho sa lalamunan ko, hindi pa ako nakakarecover from my failed first puff ng may narinig akong papalapit sakin and when I turn around it was Rhian, furiously looking at me and my lighted cigarette stick na agad niyang kinuha at itinapon sa lapag para apakan.
"Hey! That's my mine!" I stubbornly shouted
"Bakit ka naninigarilyo? Eh hindi ka naman marunong and may hika dati diba?! Hindi ka ba nagiisip?!" galit na tanong niya sakin
"Ano bang pake mo?!"
"Ano bang problema mo?!"
"Ikaw! Ikaw ang problema ko Rhian, Your course suits your best asset talaga no?! Kasi ang galing mong magpanggap, umarte that you have a fucking concern for me when in reality I'm just your side person and 30 seconds after we talk, parang bula nanaman ako sayo! Ano bang meron satin Rhian?! Tell me!"
"Anong ibig mong sabihin Glai?" she asked in a lower tone
"Friends tayo diba?" she added
"Friends?! Really?! Ganito ka ba sa lahat ng friends mo Rhi?! Lahat ng ginagawa natin ginagawa mo sa lahat ng friends mo? Have kissed Sheena or Chynna full on the mouth?! Have you been flirting with them too?! Ewan ko sayo Rhian ang gulo mo! Gulong gulo na utak ko sayo! So please leave me be."
"Cha wait lang - -"
"Wag mo na akong tawaging Cha, friends ko lang tumatawag sakin niyan and last time I check we're no longer friends!" I said before running to the door and down the building. Hindi ko siya narinig na humahabol so nagpatuloy ako. Naisipan kong pumunta derecho sa band room since may practice naman kami mamaya at wala na akong klase. Hindi ko na napigilan yung mga luhang kanina pa gustong kumawala mula sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko hinugot yung lakas ng loob para sabihin yun sa kanya, siguro dala na ng galit sa katotohanang sinabi niyang friends lang kami.
I spend the next days contemplating kung magdadrop nalang ba ako from UP para lumipat or magstay at i-endure and forever cold treatment namin sa isa't isa.
"Cha, hindi naman ako nagkulang ng paalala sayo diba? Wag nalang siya, kahit tropa na natin siya, she's always had that reputation na eh..." Chynna said while we're having lunch sa CASAA.
"I know Chyns, siguro na build up lang masyado ng friendship na pinakita niya sakin na baka mabago ko siya..."
"Cha alam mo namang kahit anong gawin mo, baliktarin mo man ang mundo it's never going to turn out right, yung subukan mong baguhin ang isang tao ng naaayon sa kagustuhan mo. If they're going to change then they might as well do it themselves. Hindi yun manggagaling sa friends or family nila alam mo yan."
"I was blinded."
"Yeah. You fell."
I spent a few more days not being my usual self na pati ata sa bahay eh napapansin na. One night, it was around 10 in the evening while I was having late dinner alone sa dining room, biglang dumating si Ate Cris.
"How's UP?" She asked almost immediately after putting her bag on the table and getting water from the fridge
"Seriously Ate Cris? It's 10 in the evening and you're going to ask me that? You might as well ask me about the state of stock exchange." I asked with an irritated tone, pakikealaman nanaman kasi niya ako, knowing her, siya ang second in command ni Mommy. Second Hitler and Stalin.
"Well, answering how's UP is easier than the state of stock exchange at ten in the evening, so let me reiterate, how's UP?"
"Why are you two arguing at such an unholy hour?" Our mom interrupted us
"Mom, we're not arguing, it's uhhh playful banter for intelligent people..." I sarcastically answered, magfufull force na ata sila
"Whatever you say Cha, so how's UP?" See? I told you.
"Mom!? Not you too?! Are you all trying to piss me off? Can't you see I'm trying to have a decent and peaceful dinner here?"
"It's an easy question Cha..." Ate Cris pushed
"Should I be enjoying it?"
"No." she bluntly said
"Then I don't enjoy UP. Happy?"
"What would you enjoy? Singing some song you made up along the streets with that petty band of yours? Ano yun Hapi ano?" she said, at umabot na sa ulo ko yung inis ko pero as a sign of respect I just undermined another saracsm
"You don't have to know. And if that means I get to enjoy the rest of my life? I would."
"How will you enjoy life without anything?"
"How sure are you that I wouldn't have anything?"
"I just know." She almightily said
"Well you don't, and let me prove you wrong." I said harshly getting up from my chair, putting my half full plate and rushing out of the front door
"Be back by 12!" She plainly said
"Whatever." I whispered
Remember when I told you about how uptight my family is? Yeah that's right now you get an idea. There's not a day we're not arguing over my free spirited outlook and their grounded demeanor. Minsan nakakarindi na kaya di din niyo ako masisisi kung ginusto kong magrebelde sa kanila. But then what am I going to do? They're my family, and that time they're all that I have.
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I was walking along our village and it's almost quarter to 11, good thing we live in an executive village, the place was well lighted and there are guards roaming around and of course I don't care I just wanted to walk off everything. It's my way of releasing all my bottled up emotions.
And on cue like in the movies it started raining, at first it was only drizzling but then after a few minutes I felt the hit of bigger droplets of water and it's not long till I was drenched. It didn't bother me though, there's always that calming effect ang naidudulot sakin ng ulan, and tonight it felt so good.
Naglalakad na ako pabalik sa bahay it's almost 12 in the evening and the rain isn't stopping any time soon, so bago pa ako lamigin minabuti ko ng maglakad pabalik sa bahay. I was a few blocks away from our house when I saw a familiar car, and I know by the color and model and plate number it's Rhian's car.
Anong ginagawa nito dito? Dito din ba nakatira si Luis? It's almost midnight.
As I slowly approach she honked at me and signaled me to get in the car. She was blabbering ata kung bakit ako nagpapaulan eh anong oras na so I decided to just get in the car.
"Bakit ka nasa labas ng hating gabi?" tanong niya with utmost concern
"Bakit ka nasa labas ng bahay namin ng hating gabi?"
"I missed you."
"Pinagtitripan mo nanaman ba ako Rhian? Lasing ka ba?"
But instead of answering me, I heard her seat belt buckle clicked off she crossed over to my seat and my eyes widened and almost bulge out when I realized what she was actually doing. She was looking at me with the remorse I was looking for that night when she was in Luis' car, with concern, with lust, with hunger she needs to feed and I am her prey.
"Rhi - -" I said my breath hitching as she drastically moved both her hands cupping my face as she put little kisses all over my face
"I'm... sorry... Cha...I... honestly... missed...you." She uttered in between kisses and she stopped as she looked tenderly on my lips.
"Fuck it." I exasperated as I pulled her to totally sit on my lap and pulled her by the neck kissing her full on her lips, it only was then I realized how much I missed her. Her kiss was different it was hungry but calm at the same time, she's in a hurry for her feed but she also wanted to be gentle and loving as she did and I can't help but get intoxicated by her.
I heard another click and down goes the back rest of my seat and she was completely over me, as our kiss deepen my hands grew a mind of its own and started traveling somewhere only they know. And then I heard a soft grunting moan that turn every light switch there is to turn on that night. I just simply lost it.
"Rhi-Rhian..." I sighed as her kisses slowly lowered to my bosom
"Hmmm?"
"Not now..." And almost immediately she stopped her business and hovered over me
"What? Why?"
"Can you help me with my seat please?" I goofily said and she did pull the lever and up I go, I settled her comfortably on my lap and looked her deeply and tenderly in the eyes.
"Rhian let me make it right this time please? Pwede ba kitang ligawan? Gusto ko ng concrete foundation sa kung ano mang pwedeng mamagitan satin, let me make you feel loved, let me make you see a love in a different perspective please? I'll make everything worth while."
"Glai - -I'm really sorry about everything."
"It's okay now. I understand." I said smiling
"So?"
"So? Kelan mo balak magsimulang manligaw?" She asked raising an eyebrow
"Bukas sana." I winked
"Di ba pwedeng ngayon nalang? Tuloy na natin..."
"Halaaa ang manyak moooo Rhian! Ligaw ang sabi ko hindi halay!"
Our third almost happened that rainy night of August on the passenger seat of your car. We almost did it, and I almost let myself cover a mistake with another one. But if we were meant for each other, like I thought we were, I wanted to make it right.