"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."—Martin Luther
When Tammy finds me standing near the coffee vending machine, she races towards me, even pushing past a colleague to reach me faster.
I swallow hard and almost drop my cup of espresso.
When she reaches me, she doesn't bother saying hello and practically drags me towards my desk.
"Tammy—"
"Sit down girl, 'cause we're gonna have some serious talk," she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
The last thing I want to do is talk to her about what happened the previous night. I didn't expect her to see us kissing, but she somehow did and now I dread to think what she has got to say to me. Although, Tammy and I are good friends, I don't feel like taking to her about something that's too personal to me.
I kinda know what's going on her mind and if I were her, I would react the same way. How else will you react when you see your friend kissing her soon to be ex-husband? And we weren't even drunk, so that's out of my list of excuses.
I sigh, "I know what you're thinking."
"Oh," she scoffs, "you do?"
I look away, fiddling with my fingers. "It d-didn't mean anything, really."
She raises her eyebrows at me. "Just like it didn't mean anything the last time?"
I'm wrong; it did mean something. But I can't tell her that.
I kissed Todd and I loved it.
I know I shouldn't have kissed him in the first place, but I lost control and it just happened. Sometimes, I wish my heart had a brain of its own so that it could always think straight.
"I know it meant something, Stella," she murmurs.
I don't reply her because I'm at a loss of words. She wants answers from me, but I don't know them either. I don't know what Todd thinks about our kiss because when we came back home yesterday night, we ignored it and didn't have a word about it.
He kissed me first and I followed his lead...but nothing seems right to me.
This problem can't be left hanging in the air.
I grip the chair handles tightly. "What do you think?"
"Stella, I think you need to talk this out. Take my free advice and please talk to Todd."
I slightly shake my head. "I-I just can't."
"Why not?" she says, frowning, "He's you husband and the least you guys could do is talk out your issues. I'm not a fool Stella, and I can see what's going on with you guys."
"Nothing's going on." I shrug.
Liar.
"Oh, please cut the crap," she groans, "you can lie to me, but you can never lie to yourself. I'm sorry if my words are blunt, but you're my best-friend and I think it's high time you find a way to resolve these problems."
I nod.
"Have a proper conversation with him and don't beat around the bush."
"Hmm."
Although, Todd and I have known each other for a very long time, it's not easy to get into this sort of conversation with each other. I don't want to make things awkward between us and I also don't want to ignore this serious issue either.
I can't keep overlooking my feelings and I know I need to find a solution as soon as possible.
Tammy puts a hand over her mouth. "Wait a minute! Are you sure those CDs your counselor gave you aren't showing these results?"
I scoff, "We've only watched one CD until now and there's no way they're causing all this...trouble."
She quickly nods.
I take a deep breath.
Tammy reaches out for my hand and squeezes it lightly. "I love you and I don't wanna see you get hurt."
"What? Why do you think I'll get hurt?"
She gives me a look, but I'm no closer to deciphering her expression and it seems as if she's trying to suppress her real feelings.
She leans forward, looks over my shoulder and then back at me.
"What I mean is," she says, giving me a small smile, "you might be still in love with Todd."
I burst out laughing. "What did you say?"
I continue to laugh so hard that a few seconds later, I have trouble breathing properly.
She rolls her eyes as I cough a few times.
"Tammy, you can't be serious," I chuckle, shaking my head, "this is ridiculously funny."
"Whatever, Stella."
I clear my throat. "You know what I think? I think these are just pre-divorce effects and perhaps, every soon-to-be divorced couple goes through this stage."
She shrugs. "How would I know? I'm not divorced, in fact, I'm not even married."
I didn't laugh because I found her assumption funny. Instead, what she said made me feel uneasy and I had to laugh it off. How is it even possible that I'm still in love with Todd? I can quite possibly believe any theory that explains why we kissed, but this one is whimsical and I won't buy it.
Tammy is just over thinking and one thing I've learned is that over thinking clogs up your mind with stupid thoughts.
*****
Todd and I are watching a new fossil show, which I haven't been paying any attention to. I am trying hard, but I can't come up with something and I don't know how to initiate this discussion.
This sudden urge to talk things out turns my stomach.
I clear my throat, but he's so busy watching 'the evolution of fossils' that he doesn't notice me.
I have to do it now.
Taking a deep breath, I put my hand on his shoulder and his muscles tense slightly. "Um, Todd."
"Yeah?"
Immediately, I pull my hand back and shift towards him.
"I want to talk about something," I say, licking my lips.
He runs a hand through his hair. "Right now? I mean, this show is quite interesting and I don't want to miss it."
"Todd," I sigh, "you can watch the repeat telecast, but I don't think I can muster up the courage again."
"Uh, all right. Let's talk then."
"I promise I'll make it quick."
I have no idea how to start this.
I want to clear things out, but I still don't have enough strength in me to speak something. Does Todd want to have this sort of conversation with me? Will it ruin our new friendship that we established a little while ago? I need to push these thoughts away because the more I ponder over them, the more puzzled I get.
Todd fixes his eyes on me as he tilts his head to a side. "Stella?"
"Yeah, sorry, so where was I?"
"You, uh wanted to talk about something?"
I bite my bottom lip. "W-why do you think I need to work out?"
"Is that all? Is it what you wanted to talk about?" he asks, frowning.
Perhaps, what I said is a euphemism for 'why did we kiss each other?'
I am so sorry Tammy that I'm backing out the last minute, but I don't think I'll be able to do this. My attempt to talk it through was rather tentative and I know I've been very obtuse, but I can't help it. I'm scared to ask him these questions because if our roles were switched, I'm sure I'd be completely taken aback.
My face turns impassive as I shrug. "Yeah."
I pick up the pack of salted chips from the table and stuff my mouth with a handful.
My heart throbs in my chest as I keep looking at Todd. For some reason, he doesn't seem convinced and it feels as if he wants more details from me, but I decide to stay silent and inscrutable.
We are getting divorced and to me this conversation would've been as much use as a handbrake on a canoe. Only ten more days are left and after that, we'll part our ways, then why is there a need to discuss something like this?
He clears his throat. "Well, I don't think you need to work out. I was just pulling your leg."
"Oh," I say, putting a hand over my heart, "really? You had me fooled, Todd."
We both laugh, which sounds more like an uncomfortable squeal.
A few seconds later, he moves closer to take the pack of chips from my hands.
I inhale deeply as his woody fragrance lingers on around me.
I don't have any nagging doubts at the back of my mind and I think I made a rational decision. An added complication could have made the matters worse and I absolutely don't want any of that. Things will get normal on their own and I won't stretch any issues.
"But I didn't lie about the other thing."
I turn my head as Todd's voice brings me out of my thoughts.
I blink a couple of times. "What?"
"You were looking beautiful yesterday night," he say, smiling.
I smile back, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "Thanks, Todd."
The truth is that I'm a fool and I've blown my chance to get the answers that I so desperately want.
Oh, Tammy will be so pissed off.
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I am not really satisfied with the flow of this chapter and I'll edit it later, but I still hope you enjoyed it.
Comment and tell me what do you think?
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