And I will give you all my heart.
So we can start it all over again.
You'll never know how to make it on your own
And you'll never show weakness for letting go
I guess you're still hurt if they say so
But do you really want to be alone?
- "Over Again" || One Direction
___
"Niall, Jesus - I thought it was your turn to go grocery shopping, mate!"
"It was, and everyone ate all our food for brunch, Lou."
Zayn groans.
He can hear his friends' voices all the way from the kitchen.
Why can he hear their voices all the way from the kitchen?
It feels early, and he groans, rolling over expecting to roll right into Anais, and when he continues to roll, feeling nothing but sheets and more bed and no Anais, he situs up and rubs his eyes and sees himself to be alone in bed.
Why.
Okay, like, why is he alone in bed?
Louis groans loudly. "Shit, mate. Feel like going shopping today?"
"Quiet, Lou!" Niall drops his voice, "The girl's are still sleeping."
Louis groans audibly, and then lets his voice fall a few decibels, "Feel like going shopping today?"
Niall laughs loudly. "Yeah, no."
"Shit...." There's a long pause. "Think Zayn'll go?"
Niall laughs again. "Good luck wakin' him up before two."
"Ugh," Louis exclaims. "But, I'm so hungry."
Zayn's rubbing his eyes, attempting to get them to focus. He can hear his friends because he's realized that the door to his bedroom is cracked.
It's open.
What the fuck, did Anais, leave?
She's gone.
She left.
She left?
Okay, so he knew she wanted to leave the night before. He knew she had things to do, today, but that had never stopped her before, so why should it, now?
It's raining.
As his friends voices die down he can hear it. The heavy pitter-patter of rainfall on his bedroom window. The sky is dark and the rain is falling, and Zayn can tell that it must be about time for winter to stop and spring to start. He can tell that the air is getting warmer, so all that moisture in the air isn't freezing any longer and is, instead, coming down in the cold shower, outside.
Zayn rolls over, attempting to go back to sleep.
He wills the rain to lull him back to sleep.
But, the sheets are cold, now.
There is no warm body beside him.
Now, he's awake.
Now, he's thinking.
Now, he can't even fucking sleep.
So, Zayn rises from bed and slips on a hoodie and a fitted cap and pads grumpily down the hall.
He meets Niall in the living room.
"Well, someone's an early riser today, eh?" He laughs, sitting with a bowl of Frosted Flakes upon the couch. He's got no milk and no spoon.
They really have no groceries.
But, Zayn's in one of those weird moods where he only grunts in response.
"Anais left?" He asks.
Niall's nose wrinkles. "Wha-?" He asks, mouth full of dry cereal.
"Anais' gone?" Zayn states. "She's left?"
Niall's brow is furrowed, and he's staring so confusedly at Zayn that had it not been so frustrating, or at his own expense, Zayn would have laughed.
He doesn't laugh, though.
Because there's a voice.
"Zayn?"
He turns.
"Yeah, hey," Anais is waving from the window.
She's outside, sitting upon his fire escape.
"She's right there, mate," chuckles Niall, as if this news has not just been made apparent by Anais calling his name and waving from the rain.
"What're you doing up?" She asks, watching as he approaches, leaning out the window to join her, now. She's wearing her coat and boots and the clothes of his she'd slept in last night, and she's sitting beneath Louis' gigantic umbrella. "It's like, eight, y'know. Soo's still in bed," she rolls her eyes. "So's Cara."
He sits beside her, cramped on the metal ledge.
"Yeah," he nods, as she positions the cover above the two of them. "I know."
He stares ahead, leaning his head back against the dry metal rungs of the stairs.
"Thought you'd left," he states.
Anais nods. "I know," she replies. She smirks a bit, jerking her thumb back inside. "I heard," and she pats his leg. "It's why I stopped you from killing Niall."
And Anais smiles as Zayn chuckles, running his hands across his face. "I didn't leave."
"Yeah," Zayn nods.
"Literally, my bag is still in your room and my keys are...Well," she shrugs, "they're wherever you've put them."
He runs his tongue over his teeth. "I guess I deserve that."
She laughs. "You guess?"
"Can you honestly say you aren't happy you stayed?"
Anais stares off into the rain.
"No," she says with a quick shake of her head. "I can't."
He doesn't smile, but her response has genuinely made him happy.
"Y'know," he leans towards her, "I think you can't get enough of me."
Anais laughs aloud. "And what makes you think that, hmm?"
"Y'know," he shrugs, "s'just speculation."
Anais laughs again. "You're so silly."
"I'm serious," he says, and then his eyes light up. "Y'know..."
Anais lifts a brow. "I know, what?"
"Um," he strokes his beard, nodding, "you still owe me a bowling match."
"Oh, I do, huh?"
He nods. "That's what I said, love."
"Oh," she begins, feigning shock. "Oh, so it's one-on-one, now? 'Cause I thought we were playing partners."
"I mean," he shrugs, "either's fine for me, yeah?" He pokes out his lip, shrugging again before a sly smile plays upon the corners of his lips, "Just figured you might enjoy yourself more if you were just playing with me."
"Wow, Zayn," Anais laughs. "Wow."
He shrugs. "Didn't meet you yesterday, love."
And Anais elbows him. "You're awfully cheeky this morning, eh?"
He chuckles, honestly not knowing where this playfulness has come from. He's amused himself, this rainy morning.
"Only for you, love."
And Anais allows those words to settle upon her.
She smiles at him, and decides not to reply, turning instead, back to the rain.
And wordlessly do the two of them sit...
Outside.
In the cold.
Upon the fire escape.
There's a soft drizzle, water easing a bit as it falls from the buildings and pool in the street, hitting umbrellas and flowing into gutters.
"Y'know, my freshman year, there was this girl that lived across the hall from me, yeah?"
Anais turns abruptly, startled by the suddenness of his words.
"Huh?"
"Remember that girl," he begins, squinting as he stares upward at the sky, "the one that lived across from me and Lou?"
And Anais nods, now. "Yeah," she says slowly, "I remember her."
Zayn lifts both brows. "You do?"
She laughs. "Of course," she replies, because he'd been Louis' roommate, and she'd been over to Louis' dorm plenty of times to know who he lived across the hall from.
She shakes her head, because bringing this girl up now? That was just so random.
"What about her?"
"I just," he shrugged, "I fancied her. Like," he paused, "I thought she was cute, or whatever..."
Anais fights a smile.
Zayn groans. "Stop laughing, Ana. I'm telling a story."
She giggles. "Sorry, sorry..."
Zayn shakes his head, fighting a smirk as he turns to her. "Anyway, I thought she was cool, s'all. Christian, um, she was like...She was older, so she knew of all the best spots to eat and like, meet local artists and, and actually, I met Jesse through her, yeah? So, um," he nods, "I thought she was-"
"Cool?" Anais asks.
Zayn elbows her lightly. "Maybe."
She grins.
And Anais remembers this girl clearly, now. Her name was Christian Saint and she was a Senior in Arts, who somehow had gotten placed in the Freshman dorms with all of them. She had tattoos and dyed hair and represented all of those things that Art students are stereotyped to be.
"I was out for a smoke one day and she asked for a cigarette. We started talking and..." He rubs his chin, focused on the memory. "She found out I was in Arts and offered to show me like, the best spots, yeah?"
Anais nods. "Yeah...?"
"And there was like, nowhere she couldn't get me in, either. Like, s'long as I was with her, I was getting into clubs and bars and all, even though the drinking age over here's eighteen--"
"Which is ridiculous," Anais snorts. "But, please," she waves him on, "continue."
Zayn laughs because Anais.
"And I thought I was the shit, y'know?" He adds, "Like, m'pretty sure every freshman probably goes through that period, when they're away from home and out finally doing the things they like doing..."
Anais chuckles. "When we all think we're the shit?"
He laughs. "Yeah...well, m'glad to know I wasn't the only one, 'cause I was out all the time partying and running 'round the city, and somewhere in all of that I kinda got a reputation for myself, y'know? Like, people saw the tattoos and found out I was in Arts and saw me out in the burrows and came to the conclusion I was some bad boy 'cause of all that, but the thing is, I thought I was the shit, so I wasn't too keen to correct anybody, either. I also just," he shrugs, "kinda didn't care."
Anais nods, grinning to herself because that's just so Zayn.
"And," he sighs, running his hand through his hair, "I met this girl in a club one night and I really thought I liked her. Like, her name was Leigh and I found out she went here and danced and sang and was in Arts, too; but, I was shit out of luck, 'cause it turns out she'd only started talking to me so she could slip in a good word about her friend. She hadn't been the one who was interested."
Zayn chuckles humorlessly, squinting at the sky. "And that's how I met Perrie."
"We started hanging out and all, but," he continues with a sigh, "but, God...we honestly hadn't been talking long when one day we were hanging out in her dorm and she introduced me to her roommate as her boyfriend."
Anais chokes on a laugh. "Oh, no..."
"Yeah," he nods. "And I was so shocked, like...I honestly didn't have the heart to say anything about it, so I kinda talked myself into trying to make things work."
He shakes his head. "But, I was unhappy and I knew it. Like, I didn't wanna stop going out with Christian, but Perrie kind of expected me to. I still think she thought once I was hers she'd have me to herself, and that wasn't what I wanted, so this cycle kind of started, y'know? Of her not trusting me 'cause I was out all the time, and me wanting to go out just to get a second to myself.
"One day at the end of the year Perrie and I got into this massive fight. She heard I was screwing around with other girls when I'd go out with Christian and she said I 'betrayed her trust' and all that. We were yelling and she was crying and I couldn't...I didn't know what to do 'cause this was my fault, wasn't it? I wasn't up front with her about not wanting a relationship with her. I was eighteen and I was," he shakes his head, running a hand across his face. "I just wasn't ready, but I also just wasn't completely into her.
"I remember being in her dorm that day, just me and her, knowing that everyone on the floor could probably hear us yelling, when she asked me if I loved her. She said, and I'll never forget it, that if I loved her I wouldn't treat her the way I was treating her, and she asked me. Like, she stood there and asked me if I really even cared about her, and for the first time, I decided that I had to be honest, right? Like, I couldn't keep thinking I could 'make things work,' since I wasn't happy, and I realized that she wasn't happy either, so I told her the truth. I told her I cared about her, but I honestly couldn't say that I loved her."
Anais stares at him. "And what'd she say?"
Zayn shakes his head. "She told me to get out. Said she never wanted to talk to me or see me again, and God, Ana...I felt like shit. I felt so bad, 'cause she was so hurt, but then I remember coming back to the room and Lou was there and he was all, 'Feel better now, huh?' And I was like..." Zayn chuckles softly, "I was like, 'Yeah.' I literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders."
And Anais grins, staring at him.
"Oh my god," he groans, catching sight of her grin. "What, Anais?"
She's still grinning up at him.
"Zayn?" She asks.
He lifts a dark brow. "Yeah?"
"If there's one thing I do know," she begins, "it's that you're not a bad boy."
"I mean-"
"Because," her grin grows, "it sounds like you were too young to be in a relationship, got caught up in one, and tried to make things work as long as you could."
He rubs the back of his neck. "When you put it that way..."
"We all do stupid stuff as Freshman," she shrugs. "I mean, that's college," she laughs. "That's life," she smiles, "and the boy sitting beside me right now is way more mature than whoever he was a few years back."
"If you say so."
Anais laughs aloud. "So," she continues, elbowing him lightly, "all I'm saying's that you don't have to prove any of that to me, y'know?"
He shrugs. "I mean-"
Anais grins, "So, I'm really curious to know why'd you feel like telling me that, If you don't mind me asking," she asks honestly. "'Cause I know you're not a bad boy. I've been saying that since I met you."
He runs his teeth across his bottom lip.
"'Cause," he begins, "...it's not like I don't hear what people say about me, y'know?"
Anais nods.
"And," he shrugs, "I just..." He stares off into the rain, "Like, before, when it was just me, I didn't care, really. Don't really give a fuck about what people say but," he shrugs, "with you, like, I dunno what things people're telling you about me and I just," he sighs, "I just want you to know the truth 'cause like," his eyes search the street, "I care. I care what you think of me, at least and y'know," he turns to her, "you've never been dishonest with me," he adds with a grin, "mostly."
Anais snorts.
"So, like," he shrugs, "I just felt like you should know, 'cause keeping it from you's like lying almost, isn't it?"
Anais shakes her head. "Zayn..."
"You asked what we'll do," he adds quickly. "Yesterday, you remember? Like, you were all, Lucky still likes me - the prick - and you were all, girls'll be chasing after me, so..." He fights a smile and Anais scoffs, rolling her eyes.
Zayn laughs silently, the dimples beneath his eyes popping.
"I'm joking," he says, sliding against her. "But, like," his smile fades; his seriousness returning again, "Like, we're here now, right? Like, we're sitting here, together, on the fire escape in the rain and the cold," and he rubs his arms together. "M'fuckin' freezing, by the way..."
Anais shakes her head. "What's the point, Zayn?"
"The point is," he states, "that we're together right now 'cause we wanna be, yeah? Like, I'm sitting here with you 'cause I don't wanna sit beside anyone else. I didn't want you to leave last night 'cause it's like," he laughs, "It's like I don't like being alone anymore if I can help it, y'know?"
Anais chuckles, shaking her head. "Zayn..."
He meets her wide stare. "We want to be together. So'f you ever break up with me, just know that I'm gonna come back, 'cause like, unless we fall really, really out of love, this semester's taught me that I really just don't want to know what life is like without you, if I'm being honest."
And Anais takes Zayn's face in her hands and turns him towards her, pulling him gently her way.
She places a light kiss on his lips.
"Wow," she jerks back with a laugh. "You're really very cold."
"I know," he whispers, pressing his lips back against hers. "And I'm sorry."
Anais lifts a brow. "For being cold?"
He kisses her again. "I've lied to you."
Anais frowns. "Lying?"
He nods. "I don't wanna be on a break."
She giggles, hand over her mouth. "Zayn..."
He pouts. "I'm serious."
"I believe you," she kisses his nose. "I don't like Lucky," she says, "and I've never had feelings for him like I feel for you."
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to be on a break either."
His teeth drag across his bottom lip. "Yeah?"
She nods her head. "Yeah."
He snakes his arms around her. "It's over then?"
"I dunno," Anais shrugs. "You tell me."
"Well," Zayn claps his hands at once, "let's get inside, yeah? If my girlfriend's anywhere near as cold as I am, she might like, die soon."
Anais laughs, a warmth spreading through her body as she follows behind him towards the window. "Don't think I'll die but..." She shrugs as he grins, helping her through the window, "that's fine. I'll make hot chocolate," she says, as he closes the window shut behind her. "You guys have--"
"Ana," Zayn chuckles, pulling her backwards against his chest.
"Zayn?" She asks, as he walks with her against him, towards the kitchen.
"There is nothing in here to eat."
And Lou sticks his head around the corner.
"Anyone willing to go shopping?"
__
Can I just tell you that this song makes me feel a varying degree of emotions STILL?
Okay enough about me now.
Yay, Cat is coming!
Also, sorry this update took me seven ages. I've been very buy. VERY BUSY. IS ANYONE ELSE TAKING FINALS???
Comment and vote!