It was never easy to get used to a goodbye. Camila never could.
They came so unexpectedly. Every time, Camila thought that things were just lining up to be perfect. And every time, it hurt in all the same ways.
It was the first day of December. They were supposed to celebrate. Lauren had even gone out the night before and gotten whipped cream so she could put smiley faces on their pancakes. She set her alarm for extra early so she could be up before both Camila and Presley.
Which is why she was surprised when her wife's worried voice brought her out of her slumber.
"Lo."
Even in her half conscious state, Lauren knew something was wrong. She quickly opened her eyes, peering up at her wife in confusion. "Huh?"
"He is sick."
Furrowing her eyebrows, Lauren sat up. "Who?"
"Wolf," Camila's voice lowered and she nodded to the bundle of blankets in her arms. Lauren shivered.
"How?"
"He just is," Camila shook her head, wanting none of Lauren's questions. "I need help."
"Let me see him," Lauren said softly, holding out her hands. She could see the concern in her wife's face, prodding her to handle him with the utmost care when Camila passed him into her arms.
"H-he did not eat last night. Or this morning," Camila mumbled, slowly sitting down beside Lauren on the bed and watching as she carefully studied the old white cat. "He did not even want to go outside when I opened the door."
"That's odd," Lauren whispered, carefully, pressing her fingers around his neck and realizing the cat's breathing was slowed. "Where'd you find him?"
"Hiding," Camila nodded, reaching out and placing her hand atop Lauren's. "Under the couch. What do we do, Lo?"
It was at this point that Lauren became aware of the small pair of eyes watching them. She turned around and glanced at the doorway, where Presley stood in her light blue pajamas, sucking her thumb and gazing at them worriedly.
"I'll call the vet," Lauren nodded, adjusting the sick animal in her arms. "I need you to go and get Presley dressed just in case we have to go, yeah?"
"Yeah," Camila whispered, standing up slowly and glancing towards the door.
"Hey," Lauren paused to reach out and grab Camila's hand. She met her eyes, giving her a soft smile. "It's all gonna be fine."
It wasn't fine, unfortunately.
"FIP. Feline Infection Peritonitis," the veterinarian explained, turning back from the computer to face the small family standing in front of her. Presley was in Lauren's arms, petting the white cat that lay on the table in front of them.
"What do we need to do?" Lauren asked, glancing over at Camila. Her wife was standing a step behind them, somewhat wary of the room they were in. She never did like doctor's offices of any kind.
"Well, you have two choices," the woman abandoned the clipboard in her arms and leaned her elbows against the cold metal table. "You can either take him home with you and let nature take its course, or you can save him a few days of suffering and put him to sleep."
"Wait," Lauren's heart dropped in her chest when she heard Camila draw in a sharp breath. "What about medicine? Or surgery?"
"It doesn't exist," the woman shook her head, giving them a sympathetic look. "The virus acts fast. It doesn't respond to any type of treatment. I wish I could-,"
"Home," Camila's voice deadpanned from behind them, making both Lauren and Presley look back at her in shock.
"What?" Lauren raised an eyebrow at her wife.
"I want to take him home," Camila nodded once. Lauren saw her hands balled into fists at her sides. But she also saw how Camila was struggling to keep them from shaking.
Lauren could tell just by the look on the veterinarian's face that Camila's request wasn't the desirable one. She bit her lip and turned back to her wife, adjusting Presley in her arms.
"Camila, I-,"
"No, Lauren," Camila's eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "We are going home."
"No we aren't, Camila," Lauren raised her voice slightly, which caused Presley to look at her in shock. Even Camila tensed up in front of them.
Lauren set Presley down, urging her to go keep Wolf company while she pulled Camila out in the hallway. Her wife looked at her in confusion. And although she tried to keep a brave face, Lauren could tell Camila was struggling to grip the reality of the situation.
"Taking him back home would be selfish," Lauren sighed, shaking her head and reaching out to place a hand on Camila's arm. "He's already sick. You heard her say how cats hide their sickness until they can't handle it anymore."
"But I-,"
"Camz," Lauren whispered, taking a step forward and lacing their fingers together. Her free hand rested on Camila's shoulder gently. "I'm not going to watch you be miserable for the next few days because you can't do anything to help him. I know you. I know how you are."
"This was not supposed to happen," Camila let out a long breath and hung her head down. Lauren felt her heart pang for the smaller girl. "He was supposed to live."
"Nothing lives forever, babe," Lauren gently cupped Camila's cheek and brought her eyes back up to meet hers. "He has nine lives anyway, remember? He's a cat." She offered her wife a soft smile, which was only received with a scowl and a turn of the head.
Sighing, Lauren pulled her hands away. "Listen, Camila," she shook her head. "It's your decision. I'm not going to try and stop you if you want to take him home. I'm just trying to think about what's best for him." She took a step backwards and nodded toward the door. "Think about it for a few minutes and come let me know when you've decided, okay?"
Camila just nodded softly, and Lauren gave her one last soft wave before disappearing back into the room. Presley now sat on the cold metal table, holding Wolf carefully in her lap. Her big brown eyes flickered up to meet Lauren's when the girl came back into the room.
"It's not a busy day. I'll give you a few minutes," the vet nodded, giving the green eyed girl a sympathetic smile.
Once she exited the room, Lauren pulled a chair over beside Presley and sat down with a soft sigh. The brown eyed girl had her eyes focused on Wolf, and Lauren simply watched as Presley petted him gently.
"You'll say hi to em' for me, won't you?"
Presley's voice was soft, taking Lauren by surprise. Just as she raised her head to question the smaller girl, she realized the question hadn't been aimed at her.
"You know, my mommy and daddy?" Presley whispered, leaning down slightly. "And you'll tell them I miss em' an awful lot? My brother, too. Promise you'll take real good care of em' for me? And you can tell them all about my new family so they don't have to worry too much. Can you do that?"
"I think he can," Lauren whispered, reaching over and squeezing Presley's hand.
"You do?" Presley looked up to meet Lauren's eyes this time, tilting her head to the side.
"I do," Lauren laughed softly. "Do you know what's happening, kiddo?" she added in a more serious tone, studying the small girl intently.
"Mhm," Presley nodded quickly. "Hims is leaving us," she shrugged, taking Lauren by surprise. "He did all his good deeds."
"Good deeds?" now it was Lauren's turn to ask a question. Presley simply nodded and continued petting Wolf.
"Daddy said that's why Jakey had to leave. Cause' he already did at the good things here, and there was no more good things left for him to do," she paused and looked up at Lauren. "What good things did Wolf do?"
"He was not scared."
Both girls paused and glanced towards the door, where Camila stood tentatively. Lauren watched as her wife slowly walked over to join them, wringing her hands together nervously.
"When there were bad things," Camila explained, joining them at the metal operating table and reaching out to smooth out his fur. "Even when I cried. Or yelled. Or broke things. He was not scared of me."
"Lo helped the bad things go away," Camila nodded softly. "But when they were still here, he helped to make me forget about them for a while."
"You didn't give up on him," Lauren nodded, remembering how Camila had latched onto the small, disheveled kitten that no one else had wanted. "Because of that, he didn't give up on you."
"We do not give up on people," Camila whispered, her eyes flickering over to meet Lauren's for a split second before looking back down at Wolf. "He does not have eyes, but I think he can see."
"I do not want him to hurt, Lo," Camila sighed, allowing Lauren to pull her into her lap. "I do not want him to."
"Do you mean...?" Lauren paused her sentence when Camila simply nodded softly.
Five minutes later, all three girls watched as the veterinarian prepared the needle across the room. One of Camila's hands was laced with Lauren's, and the other was gently stroking Wolf's fur.
"Thank you for keeping us company, Wolf," Camila's voice wavered slightly and Lauren was surprised she was keeping her composure. "I hope you had fun while you were here."
Just as the vet approached them with the needle, Presley's eyes widened.
"Wait!" the smaller girl shook her head and tugged on the woman's jacket, leaning up to whisper something into her ear. The woman nodded in understanding, and moments later Wolf was being transferred from Presley's arms and into Camila's.
The small brown eyed girl just nodded slowly, cradling him in her arms and taking a deep breath. Once she was sure Camila was okay, Lauren gave the veterinarian a soft nod. Both girls held their own breath as the woman carefully injected the medicine into his neck.
"I am sorry," Camila whispered under her breath, sitting down with the limp animal in her arms and somehow managing to fight back tears. Even Presley, who was normally very talkative, remained quiet and watched as Camila held the animal in her arms until she was sure he'd fallen asleep.
In some ways, she was thankful for goodbyes. Sometimes even the simple act of saying goodbye had been taken from her. She didn't even remember the last thing she said to her parents. Or her aunt.
It still hurts, though, she realized. It made her feel hollow, and numb, which is why she didn't even remember Lauren helping her back up to her feet and out to the car. She didn't remember the drive home. Everything was fuzzy from then on out, until she woke up in her bed a few hours later.
The first thing she saw was her wife's soft green eyes gazing down at her. Reaching up to rub her own eyes, Camila sat up slightly and gazed at Lauren in confusion.
"You fell asleep in the car," Lauren explained, answering Camila's unspoken question. "So did Presley. She's still asleep, I think," she glanced back at the door before nodding softly.
"I had a weird dream," Camila mumbled, sitting up and rubbing at her eyes once more. "Wolf-,"
"Babe," Lauren's face fell slightly, and she reached out to find Camila's hand. "It wasn't a dream."
"Oh," was all Camila could manage to whisper. "It was not?"
"I wish it was," Lauren sighed, feeling Camila's shoulders slump beside her.
"I was wishing it was, too," Camila squeezed her eyes shut for a few seconds before drawing in a deep breath. "Did you cry?"
"A little," Lauren admitted, brushing the hair out of Camila's face and looking at her gently. "Did you?"
Camila shook her head.
Sighing, Lauren simply nodded and brought her hand up to cup Camila's cheek. She ran her thumb over the smooth skin and pressed a kiss to Camila's forehead. "Do you want to?"
Lauren already knew the answer. As soon as Camila nodded, she was being pulled into Lauren's arms.
The tears that she'd been holding in since that morning finally spilled over, and Camila buried her head in Lauren's shoulder as the green eyed girl lay them back on the bed.
"I love you, okay?" Lauren whispered, rubbing small circles in the girl's back. "I know it may not matter much right now, but I do. And I'll lay here with you as long as you want."
"I-I love you too," Camila's voice wavered and she lifted her head, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hands. "It always matters, Lo. It will always matter." She sniffed, curling into Lauren's side and allowing the green eyed girl to move her hair out of her face.
"If it makes you feel any better, Presley's practically made him her honorary guardian angel," Lauren laughed softly. Surprisingly, this earned a quiet laugh from her wife as well.
"He was a good birthday present, you know," Camila whispered. "You both did not give up on me. Thank you for that."
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a/n: don't hate me i know i know i'm a horrible person goodbyE
- lena (lenajfc on twitter, txrches on tumblr)