I Write Sins, Not Tragedies
Chapter Twenty: Forgiveness and Mistakes
Rosalie cleared her throat, not meeting my eyes as she approached the lunch table. "Mary, may I have a word with you...in private?"
I was somewhat surprised, but could have easily predicted what was coming. I stood up from my chair and followed her over to an empty table. "Sure thing."
Sitting down she sighed, playing with her hands anxiously. It was a few moments before she spoke to me. "Mary, I'm sorry for the way I have been acting lately. I assure you it isn't anything personal, and I didn't mean to offend you." She spoke the words very fast, clearly wanting to get that over with. Rosalie was never the kind of girl to admit when she had been wrong.
Though, I was not going to accept such a short formal apology. I wanted an explanation and I was sure that I deserved one. "If it wasn't personal, what is it?" My tone was accidentally a little rude, feeling my anger rise as I had remembered just how much she had been pissing me off lately.
Rosalie sighed, pondering the thought. "I don't really know, Mary." Rosalie explained after a moment. "I know that sounds stupid and superficial, but I really just don't know. I would like to tell you it's because you're like this now and you're happy; but that isn't it. I think..." Rosalie paused, gathering the words. Finally she looked up at me, her yellow eyes liquid and sincere. "I think it's because I'm grieving for you, Mary, for everything you've lost."
I shook my head, getting ready to protest, but she spoke again stopping me. "Maybe it hasn't quite sunk in for you yet, but you don't realize exactly what has been taken from you. I have been through this, Mary; I know the consequences of what has been taken from you."
I didn't quite know what to say to her; clearly her reasoning was a little different than what I had pictured it being. I hadn't planned out a witty remark for this. Looking up at her, I understood and I being totally honest with my apology despite all the anger I had been feeling towards her. "I'm sorry too, Rosalie. That I yelled at you in front of everyone."
Rosalie held up her hand, stopping me right there. "I shouldn't have let it get that far. I deserved to be embarrassed. You whipped me back to reality." Rosalie finished with a smile and stood up, signaling that everything was behind us now.
It honestly felt good, knowing that everything with her had been solved and was going to return to normal. On my stride towards our familiar table, however, I was stopped by the hyena Jessica Stanley, who greeted me with her familiarly fake smile. "Mary, just the girl I was looking to talk to!"
"Oh. Hi." I answered her plainly, not even bothering to smile.
Jessica giggled and appraised my newly vampiric body green eyed with envy. "Look at you, you gorgeous fox!"
I gave a halfhearted laugh, and shrugged, answering her cryptic question with the obvious. "Alice and Rosalie got to me over break, what can I say?"
"Well then," Jessica teased with another annoying giggle, "I'd sure like to let Alice and Rosalie get to me, hun. Do you have any idea how many guys are talking about you?!"
The look on my face must have been horrific because Jessica put her hand on my arm reassuringly. "Nothing bad I can assure you that much."
I gave a very short laugh at the girl, "Right. I'm...I'm gonna go eat, then."
I didn't wait for her to answer before I took off towards my family with a very annoyed look on my face. "Easy there, tiger." Jasper chuckled as I took my seat, clearly feeling the mix of emotions that had been radiating off of me.
Emmett gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.
I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt that with all this new attention and changes in Emmett and mine's relationship, that I just wanted to be alone for a while. "Guys ... I'm gonna head home. Emmett, do you mind if I take the Jeep?"
Emmett shook his head, looking a little concerned at my sudden down spiral of a mood. "No, not at all. What's the matter?"
I smiled a little at him, in a feeble attempt to reassure his worries, "Nothing. I'm just...I don't know. I'm fine, though."
Knowing that there was no point in fighting it with me, Emmett dove his hands into his pockets and tossed me the keys. Before I headed off for the parking lot, Emmett spoke out to me. "Be careful with my baby, baby."
I couldn't help but smile a little at his humor. Emmett always had something to say to cheer me up. I found his monster of a Jeep with ease, with a lot of effort in pulling myself in as I was shorter than the towering tires, and started it up. I didn't know where I was going, but I just needed to be somewhere. Somewhere alone.
Much of Forks was highway, and much was the same on the way towards the Cullen home. With my new found craving for speed, I had arrived in less than ten minutes. I didn't bother going in to announce my arrival to Esme, she no doubt heard me pull in. Instead I headed for the woods; I had grown thirsty being around the smell of blood all day.
I ran, not knowing my direction, I had just wanted to be far away from it all, to distance myself from the world as it were. I didn't want people, I didn't want family, I didn't even want Emmett at the moment. I just wanted me.
It was in this moment that I feel like I had begun the grieving process, and I had really begun to miss my old self. I had felt that longing for humanity hit me full force, just like Rosalie had said and I had felt a burning hatred towards what I was.
However I couldn't bring myself to hold a grudge towards Jasper, my beloved brother. Jasper had done enough of the hating upon himself, and being honest, I loved him too much to even think of being angry with him. While it had taken a while for Jasper and I to grow close, our blooming friendship had been great, and to say I enjoyed his company was an understatement.
No, I couldn't blame Jasper.
I could only blame myself.
It was me who crashed that car.
It was me who killed my mother.
It was me that caused Emmett to abandon his wonderful family.
It was me who intruded on them.
It was me who crashed onto the glass ornament.
And it was me who chose my own fate.
It all started with a stupid CD.
Perhaps my thoughts were getting away from me too fast, or perhaps the smell had hit me when I was most vulnerable to it. All I knew was there was now going to be a murder added to my pitiful mistake list as I was suddenly beside myself, rushing towards the smell of that sudden luscious human blood.