AN: Heavy Trigger warning!!!
Hallucinations, attempted Suicide, Depression, and Vomiting...
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When we pull up outside my house I throw open my door and practically run into the house and instantly start to search for a bottle of anything. I needed something to forget the pain. Something to drown my sorrows. Something to make me feel numb. I throw open the liquor cabinet doors and grabbing the closest bottle twist the cap off and bring it to my lips. I take three big gulps before I come up for air the Whiskey burning as it settles in my stomach. I kick my heels off and setting the bottle down momentarily I pull my coat off and toss it onto the floor. Grabbing the bottle I stomp up the stairs and reaching my room slamming the door behind me as I walk through it.
I take another gulp before I set the bottle down and reaching back unzip my dress and toss it in the corner of the room. I grab the bottle and walking into the bathroom, turn the shower on and climb inside. The power was still off so no doubt it would be cold; but that was what I wanted. I wanted to be numb. At first the cold water stings my skin but soon I can't feel it anymore. I bring the bottle to my lips and take another gulp. I hear the sound of doors opening and closing and my heart clenches.
Frowning I bring the bottle to my lips and just start chugging. After a few gulps I pull the bottle from my lips and glare at it. "Stupid girl," I say to myself as I lean my head back making the icy water pull the curls from my hair. I run a hand through my hair before I turn around and place my face in the ice cold water streaming from the shower head. I look down at the shower drain and clench my jaw as I see the makeup wash away. I set the bottle down on the shower rack before I bring my hands to my face and start scrubbing roughly making the makeup instantly disappear.
After a few seconds I turn the water off and grabbing the bottle climb out of the shower and walk to the mirror. I stare at my reflection for a moment and silently fight the urge to punch the mirror. My lips are bright blue and my skin is a pale white. I stare at my eyes for a moment before the familiar sight of Devlin catches my eye. I slowly turn toward him and holding my arms up say, "Is this what you want? Me, a train wreck, borderline suicidal, inches from just walking out into the night like this and not looking back?"
"You know me all too well." He says as a smirk crosses his lips.
"I should have just let you do what you wanted to me."
"Oh?" he says raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," I say as tears fill my eyes. "I should have just lain there and taken it."
"I'm glad you finally see it my way kid," He says as he stands and walks over to me. I stand there unmoving as he reaches forward and runs his fingertips from my lips to my chest. He stops as a shiver runs through my body. "What's the matter, Cold?"
"Nope," I say as I bring the bottle to my lips and down a couple more gulps.
"Then do it," He says pulling his hand away from me and sitting down on the window seat.
"What?" I say surprised as I raise an eyebrow.
"End it," He says folding his arms over his chest. "It's what you want right? To be free from all the pain, the heartache, and the memories,"
"I want numbness," I say as I grip tightly to the bottle making my knuckles turn white.
"Then end it," He says leaning backwards in his seat. I walk over to my door and locking it turn back to the window. I feel sadness wash over me as I walk over to the window and leaning forward unlatch it and right as I start to open it someone grabs my hands. I stare at the hands blankly before I follow them to their owner.
"Come on sunshine, you don't want this." Duggan says making tears fill my eyes.
"I want to be with you," I cry out as I tighten my grip on the window pane.
"I know you do, but I want you to live."
"What about what I want?" I cry out as I feel my knees buckle underneath me.
"I know it hurts but that's how you know you're alive." He says as he kneels down next to me. "Listen to me Sunshine," he says as he reaches up and placing his fingers under my chin lifts it enough to stare into his eyes,"I love you, you are my Sunshine, and I want you to be happy but if you do this then you won't be happy."
"I'm so lonely grandpa; I don't know what to do anymore. It hurts so much." He instantly pulls me into his arms and I clutch tightly to him like my life depends on it.
"It'll be okay Sunshine, you'll be okay." He says as he rubs my shoulders.
'I miss you," I say as I clutch tightly to him.
"I miss you too, but please be strong for me. I want you to be happy."
"Oh come on old man you know what'll make her happy," Devlin says and clench my jaw. "Come on kid, open the window."
"Sunshine, do not open that window,"
"I can't take this anymore!" I cry out loudly and grip tightly to the sides of my head as my grandfather and Devlin yell back and forth at each other. Tears stream down my face as I sit in the floor my legs pressed up against my chest as my lips tremble from the cold. "It hurts, everything hurts; I want it to end! Please just make it end!" I yell out as I start to pull at my hair their arguing only getting louder.
Opening my eyes I look over to see the bottle and instantly reach for it. Grabbing it I quickly bring it to my lips and start to chug drowning the voices out making everything quiet. Suddenly the bottle slips from my hand and crashes onto the floor making it shatter. I feel numbness overtake me and my eyelids grow heavier until they close completely. I hear people cry out my name but I can't move. It's quiet, so quiet. Everything's calm and peaceful. No more Devlin, no more pain, no more tears, just quiet.
It's warm, so warm.
"(Name)!" Steve cries out from somewhere in the darkness making my heart rise in my chest.
What's going on?
"Come on (Name) you need to throw up!" Steve's voice says again and I look around.
Why is it so dark? Where is everyone? What did I do?
"Follow my voice Stark, come back!"
Bucky? Steve? What's going on?
I suddenly feel something go down my throat and my eyes instantly shoot open as all the alcohol I had drank comes back up from my stomach.
"Good girl, come on just keep at it." Bucky says as he rubs my back while Steve holds my hair.
"W-w-w-what h-h-h-happened?" I ask as the black specks quickly leave my eyes making me realize I was now in the bathroom head in the toilet as more vomit spews from my mouth.
"We heard you crying out and came running." Steve says making you slowly turn to look at him his eyes filled with worry and panic. "When we found the door locked we panicked,"
"Sorry about the door," Bucky says and I chuckle slightly as I say, "W-w-what is it with y-y-y-y-you and doors Barnes, w-w-w-w-what did my doors ever do to you?"
"They wouldn't open that's what!" He says and before I can reply more alcohol comes up my throat making me throw up in the toilet.
"What happened?" Steve asks and tears fill my eyes and I wipe my mouth as I say, "I just wanted it to be quiet. I couldn't take the voices and the pain anymore."
"So you were gonna kill yourself?" Steve asks and I stare at the toilet.
"At first yeah," I say as I wince at the pain in my stomach, "Then when grandpa Dum showed up I knew I couldn't but I just wanted it to be quiet. He started arguing with Devlin and I just couldn't take it." I say as tears fall down my cheeks. "I wish this would all just end. I'm tired of the voices; I'm tired of seeing things that aren't there." My stomach churns and I upchuck into the toilet.
"Bucky go get her some water and bread, she's gonna be here for a while."
"You gonna get her some clothes?" Bucky asks and Steve nods. Bucky pats my back one more time before he stands and heads down the stairs.
Clothes? I glance down to see that I am still in just my underwear and I instantly cover myself. Well this is awkward.
"I'll be right back," Steve says as he stands and walks into my bedroom to find me some clothes. I pull myself from the toilet and pushing myself to my feet find that I can walk. Sort of. I stumble into the bedroom and staring at him say, "Why didn't you guys just let me go?"
His back tenses as he says, "What would Stark say if you had died?"
"Good riddance,"
"No (Name) he wouldn't!" Steve says sternly making me jump slightly at his words. "Dammit (Name) is that all you think of him? He's your father,"
"Then where was he when I was dying?" I cry out. "Not just a few minutes ago but when I was child, the night my innocence was taken from me. The night I put a bullet through Devlin's head and his blood splattered all over me. huh? Where was he then?"
"You can't hold that against him (name) he didn't know you were alive."
"You're right," I say as I hold my hands up in surrender. "Oh wait you're always right, You're Captain fucking America!"
"(Name) this isn't you."
"Isn't it though?" I say as a chuckle escapes my lips.
"You're still drunk, you need to calm down."
"And you need to go to hell," I say as I look around for anything I could throw at him.
"What the hell did I walk in on?" Bucky says as he stands in the doorway glancing back and forth between me and Steve.
"Glad you could join us Soldier," I say making him raise an eyebrow at me. "Please for the love of god explain to me what I have done to make you both hate me?"
"What? We don't hate you." Bucky says as he furrows his brow at me.
"Well then why did you avoid me and pull away from me?"
"You were on a date (Name)," Steve says making me slowly glare at him. "Don't you think it's bad to flirt with someone else in front of your date?"
"Seriously?" I ask as a chuckle escapes my lips. "You're talking about Blake right?" They nod and I instantly fold my arms over my chest as I say as calmly and angrily as I can, "He's gay you assholes!" They both stare at me wide eyed and I roll my eyes. "He's in a relationship with Mikey; he just can't let people know because around here everyone is extremely prejudiced, like deathly prejudice."
"(Name), we-" Bucky starts but I quickly hold up my hands silencing him.
"Just don't okay," I walk over to him and taking the water and bread from him and place it on a nearby dresser say, "Thank you for your help, now please both of you get out of my room."
"Wait, why are you the only one allowed to be angry?" Bucky asks and I glare at him.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah," he says as he folds his arms over his chest and stands tall in the doorway.
"Because that's how it goes,"
"Then why did you lie to us?"
"What the hell are you talking about Barnes?"
"You lied about not liking us, but at the bar we heard you talk to Blake about us."
"You heard that?" I ask my arms falling to my sides as I stare up at him in shock.
"We heard everything," Steve says and I feel a knot well up in my throat.
"And?" I say as I gulp down a breath of air.
"We understand you don't want to ruin our friendship but you really couldn't. Buck's my brother, I trust him completely, and I know that even if you decide to pick him it wouldn't change that."
"If you were there then you know I can't choose. I just can't, I like you both."
"We know," Bucky says as he reaches out and places his hands on my shoulders. I look up at him as he offers me a reassuring smile.
"I-" Before I am able to finish speaking I run back to the bathroom and throw up again.
"Thank you for not puking on me!" Bucky yells out from inside my room and I roll my eyes. A few seconds later I see someone place a shirt and Pajama pants down next to me and I slowly glance over at them. Steve offers me a soft smile and my eyes soften.
"I'm sorry about what I said," I say as Bucky walks in with the water and the bread.
"Don't worry about it Stark," Bucky says as he plops down in the floor next to me and hands me the glass of water that I instantly attack, gulping it down in seconds. As I finish the glass I sit it down beside me as I lick my bottom lip.
"Who would have thought water would taste so good?" I say as I wipe my mouth. Bucky chuckles and I look over to see him smirking at Steve who mimicked his expression. "Um can I get some privacy?" I ask I grab my clothes. They quickly nod before jumping to their feet and walking out of the bathroom and into my bedroom closing the door in the process. Although unknown to me the door didn't exactly close all the way.
Clothes in hand I push myself to my feet and let out a sigh. Placing the clothes on the sink I reach around and start unclasping my bra. Pulling it from my body I drop it down onto the floor, I'd pick it up later. I glance at the mirror to see a bruise now appearing on my stomach and I shake my head. Bucky didn't need to see it; it would only make him feel like shit. I gently run my fingers along ther bruise as a memory appears in my mind.
"Who's that grandpa?" I ask as I point to the picture in my grandfather's old scrapbook. It was an older picture of all of the howling commandos standing next to each other.
"That's Sergeant Barnes, better known as Bucky,"
"Bucky?" I say as a chuckle escapes my lips.
"Yes ma'am." He says as he pulls the photo from the book and holds it closer for me to see. "He was a good man, and a good friend."
"What happened to him?"
"He uh," he pauses not sure how to continue; "He fell off a train, and ended up asleep."
"Asleep?"
"Yeah," I look up into my grandfather's blue eyes to see a melancholy look in his eyes and I offer him a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry he'll wake up, I promise."
Oh how right had I been?
I smirk as I reach out and pulling my shirt over my head, run a hand through my hair. Reaching back to the sink I grab my Pj pants and quickly slipping into them let out a sigh. My stomach churns and I quickly move back over to the toilet right as another fit of vomiting occurs. "(Name)?" Steve says as he knocks on the door.
"Yeah?" I groan out as I pull some toilet paper form the roll and wipe my mouth.
"Can we come in?"
"Yeah," He opens the door and I slowly turn to see that both he and Bucky's faces were flushed and I tilt my head. "What's up with you two?"
"Um the uh," Steve starts but his face just turns redder.
"What Steve is trying to say is that the door didn't close,"
"And?" I ask clearly not understanding.
"We, uh saw, uh everything,"
"Everything?" I ask tilting my head. He motions to my body and my face instantly turns bright red.
"OHMYGOD why didn't you say anything?!" I cry out which instantly resulted in my vomiting again. "You know what never mind, I need to lay down."
"Here I'll help you up," Steve says as he instantly moves to my side lifting me up with ease.
"Thank you," I say as my head suddenly starts to spin. Shaking it I reach out for the wall and find two sets of hands instantly grabbing me and helping me toward my bed. When we reach it Bucky pulls the blankets back allowing me to crawl atop of the bed. I snuggle down under the sheets and reach out for Captain Ameri-bear and Bucky-bear. I feel them place the covers over my shoulders and I let out a content sigh.
"I don't think we should leave her alone," I hear Steve say and I listen quietly as I stare at the wall.
"I agree but what are we gonna do? After all that's happened tonight I doubt she wants to share a bead with us again." Bucky says and I roll my eyes.
"If you two are that worried about me then just get in the dam bed, I'll worry about the results later." I say as I close my eyes.
"Are you sure?" I hear Steve ask and I let out an annoyed sigh.
"Yes, now shut up and get in the bed; my head's starting to hurt." I reply making Bucky chuckle.
"You heard the lady Rogers," Bucky says as he walks over and plops down on the side of the bed he used the night before making me glare at him as my head starts to pound.
"I will kill you Barnes," I say making him smirk.
"Yeah, yeah, night Stark." He says as he leans back and placing his hands behind his head closes his eyes. The bed sinks down behind me and I suddenly become overly aware that Steve is lying behind me.
Not now hormones I'm tired.
"Night Barnes, Goodnight Steve." I say as I clutch tightly to my stuffed bears.
"Goodnight (Name)." He replies his voice sounding almost like a lullaby.
I'm gonna hate it when I wake up.