5 Years Earlier (turtles almost age 11)
Raphael hung back as his brothers raced back to the lair. They had been out skating in the sewers for the last hour or so. He let them go ahead, listening to their happy laughter fade as they got further and further away. Technically, it was against Sensei's rules to be alone in the sewers, but his brothers wouldn't tell. If Splinter asked, they'd probably just say something like 'he's being slow, he's on his way.'
Raph sighed. He'd been feeling a little bit down in the dumps lately. Sensei had been giving him a lot of criticism in training lately, and if that wasn't enough...the turtles were at the age where it was difficult for Sensei to pay attention to any one of them for any given amount of time.
Raphael felt as though he hadn't shared a real Father-son moment with his father since he was eight.
As for his brothers well...Raph had learned that if he wanted in on the action, he had to silently invite himself to join them. He still felt unwanted sometimes. He knew they'd probably have more fun without him, but they never said anything, so he just kept tagging along. Oftentimes, Leo or Donnie would send him a questioning glance and nod, as though acknowledging that he was going with them.
Over the course of the past year or so, Raphael had slowly grown more and more withdrawn from the family. Sure he still interacted with his brothers and his father, but it was different. There was no real emotion behind it. Interactions left him only with a cold numbness in his chest. As though something was missing.
It had been a long time since he had felt...warm...on the inside.
He missed those days so much...
As he trudged slowly in the direction of the lair, Raph's mind once again revolved around his brothers.
Leonardo had been doing well. As expected, he'd remained Sensei's favorite student. Thinking about Leo made Raph's blood boil with jealously. Leonardo always had Sensei's attention. Every single training session, it was always Leonardo this, and Leonardo that. Raph tried so hard. He tried so hard to compete with his older brother. But Leo had a special place in Sensei's heart. And that wasn't about to change.
That familiar ache burned in Raph's chest. He rubbed his plastron with his hand gently to dispel it.
As for Mikey well...Mikey was the youngest. Always full of energy. He had a huge imagination and would entertain Sensei for hours at a time with detailed descriptions of his dreams for the future and all the crazy things he wanted to do. He also was quite a talented drawer. He drew many impromptu comics of Sensei and the four of them depicting funny events or sometimes just daily life in a wild, Mikey-like sort of way.
And Donnie...Don was a genius. He'd read books that made Raphael's head spin. He was always working on some invention or other. He was becoming an inventor. Raph had watched as Sensei beamed proudly at each of Donatello's inventions. Raph watched from the sidelines as Sensei listened intently to the smart turtle's lengthy and extremely complex explanations.
Today. Raph stated to himself, I'm gonna do it today. I'm gonna talk to Sensei. I'm gonna tell him what I've been doing. What my accomplishments are. His shoulders drooped. There's no point. There'd be nothing to say.
Then I'll tell him how I feel. Sensei will listen. Sensei will understand. I have to try.
When he got back to the lair, the other turtles were already there. Splinter was in the main room. As the hothead entered, the rat-mutant turned to him. "Ah, Raphael. I see you have returned. Your brothers said you were lagging behind. Is everything alright?"
"Um, well Sensei...I-"
"Father!" Donatello yelled excitedly, cutting Raphael off and making Sensei shift his attention.
Raph's heart sank. Any chance he had of talking to his Sensei had been snuffed out. Donatello was chattering on, full blast, about his latest invention. Raph's heart ached. His eyes watered, he turned his back to them and swiftly made his way to his room, closing the door behind him.
Later that afternoon, it was time for the turtle's training. Sensei had taught them a new kata. Raphael was having trouble.
Leonardo got it within minutes. Sensei complemented him, "Well done Leonardo. You are ready to move onto something more advanced."
Leo was gloating. He muttered something indistinguishable and Raph growled.
"Aw, shut up Leo."
"Raphael, that is no way to talk to your brother."
Raph exploded. He'd had enough! He'd enough of perfect Leonardo and his freaking perfectness. He leaped at his brother, clawing wildly.
"Raphael!" Sensei yelled angrily, grabbing Raph and using a special hold to throw the young turtle backwards and away from his brother. Unfortunately, Splinter's blow was slightly miscalculated. He used a little more force than intended and Raphael's carapace struck the wall with a loud thud.
The other brothers exchanged nervous glances and Raphael was about to cry.
Sensei's eyes were filled with a look of disappointment. What Raphael didn't know was that the disappointment was directed at the rat himself. Splinter could not believe that he had struck his son. He had acted on impulse. He could see the tears in Raph's eyes. Splinter was disappointed and horrified by the fact that he could have very well injured one of his beloved sons.
But Raphael thought Splinter was disappointed in him. All Raph had ever wanted was to make his father proud. He had failed. He had failed miserably. Tears filled his eyes.
Raphael stood, he tottered a little bit. The others stared with concerned eyes, and shocked faces, but he ignored them. The young red-masked turtle walked calmly out of the dojo. It wasn't until he reached the hall that he broke out into a run.
Back in his room he threw himself on the bed and sobbed. He buried his face in the pillow and pulled the covers up over himself. He wished it would all just go away.
Raphael didn't come to dinner. Splinter noticed, but decided that it would probably be best not to approach. He surmised that Raphael would probably fear him for a while to come. How could he have done what he did? How could he strike his own child?!
Still, he wished he knew what Raphael was thinking. Splinter tried to think back to conversations he had had with his hotheaded son lately. With mild surprise he realized that he and Raphael had not shared a conversation recently. At least not one that could be considered significant or insightful.
Now that he looked back, he realized that Raphael had been pulling away from him for some time. He could remember discussing the brothers with Leonardo a few days ago. Hadn't Leonardo mentioned something about Raphael being really withdrawn?
Another realization dawned on him. Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo constantly came to him with their problems. He hadn't had a heart-to-heart discussion with Raphael in...no it couldn't be...two years? Is that even possible? No...almost three years. The four of them would be turning eleven in a week and a half.
Splinter's eyes narrowed. He'd be keeping a close eye on Raphael from now on.
A week and a half later...
It was the turtles' eleventh mutation-day.
At this age, all four turtles were accustomed to giving a gift to each of their brothers. Raph was nervous. He was afraid that they wouldn't like the gifts he got for them. They usually opened gifts from eldest to youngest. So Leo went first.
He unwrapped each present carefully, removing all traces of wrapping paper before he announced what he had received. "Space Heroes Comics! Awesome! Thanks Don!" then the next present, "A new lamp? Cool! Thanks Mikey!" Finally, the eldest came to Raph's present. The hothead shifted nervously. "What is it?" Leo wondered aloud as he peeled back the wrapping paper. It was a Japanese scroll. There was a beautiful painting of a cherry tree growing out of a cliff. In the corner was written: 'Life can be found even in the unlikeliest of places,' in rather messy Japanese. Soft blue eyes glanced at Raphael, "Where did you get this, Raph?"
Raphael cleared his throat. "I-um...I kinda-sorta..." his voice became a whisper, "painted it."
There was a moment of silence.
Nervously, Raph asked, "Well...do you like it?"
Leonardo smiled. "I love it. I'm gonna put it on my wall." He pulled Raphael into a tight hug.
Both Leo and Splinter noticed the way Raph stiffened.
After all the gifts had been exchanged and the algae cake was eaten, Raphael withdrew to his room. He did that almost every day lately. Sensei was worried. He decided it was time to confront his second son on the matter.
The old rat entered Raphael's room and sat on the bed. "Why have you been hiding in your room, my son?" His voice is soft and gentle, and Raphael was thrown off.
Teary green eyes stared up at him. "What?" he blinked a few times, a tear escaping and running down his face. "Don't you have better things to do than waste your time in here with me?" He sniffled.
Splinter's eyes softened. He was no longer Raphael's Sensei. No, now he was being a Father. "I simply wish to understand. Please tell me what ails you."
The flow of tears slowly ebbed. Bright green eyes stared up into his father's dark brown ones.
Splinter frowned. There was something strange in his son's eyes. An almost guarded expression, as though he were trying to hide his emotions.
"Please, Raphael. I want you to tell me the truth."
Raph softened a little, but broke eye contact. The old rat reached out and put a hand on his second child's shoulder. Raphael flinched. Splinter raised an eyebrow. He tried to remember the last time he had done so. Unfortunately it threw him for a loop. He frowned. In fact, Raphael had spent so much time in his room, there had been very little interaction between them, if any of late.
As Splinter returned from his thoughts he realized that Raphael was leaning heavily into the touch. He canted his head.
Raphael stared up at his father, chewing his lip nervously. His eyes looked hopeful. Then, his voice barely-there, he asked, "S-sensei, can I-"
I must speak to Raphael about his stuttering. Splinter thought. Then he realized that his son had not said anything further. "Yes, my son?"
"Can I-" Instead of finishing, Raphael tentatively reached out towards his father.
The next thing he knew, Splinter had two thin arms wrapped around his middle. Raphael pressed his head against his father's chest, hoping desperately that Splinter wouldn't push him away. This was the closest he'd been to his father in quite some time, and he never wanted to let go.
Splinter put a soft hand on his son's head, slightly shocked. "You've grown." He stated, rather awed. He hadn't realized that Raphael was quite this tall. His red-masked student had always been one of the shorter of his sons, but he had not realized just how much Raphael himself had been changing.
Hamato Yoshi pushed his son away, just a step so he could look into Raphael's eyes. His expression morphed to one of mild surprise as he realized the brilliant green orbs were watering.
"I'm sorry, Sensei. Please-I-" He stated softly, timidly, as though he had done something wrong.
"What do you have to be sorry for, my son?" Splinter asked with genuine concern.
Raphael looked ashamed. "Well, I haven't been good enough." His eyes stared at the floor. Then he added, in an almost inaudible voice, "You haven't been paying much attention to me lately. I've been trying to get noticed, but..." His eyes teared up, "I can't. It's just too hard to compete with the others. If it's not Leo in training, then it's Donnie showing you one of his new inventions, or Mikey telling you one of his stories or showing you his comics. You never have any time for me and-and they deserve it more than I do. You love them more than me and I understand that. I mean, they're the ones with all the talents. Leo's so good at training. And Don is like, the smartest guy on the planet. Mikey's the youngest and he needs to be looked after, but me..." his shoulders sagged, the tears rolled down his face.
At this point Splinter, too, had tears in his eyes. He reached out and pulled his second child in closer to him. His hands rested on Raphael's shoulders, he stared into the bright green eyes. "Don't you ever think that you are worth anything less than your brothers, my son. You are just as dear to me as they are. I love you so much Raphael. You have your own talents. You are strong, and you are brave. You have a fine and loyal heart. It will serve you well. You feel things more deeply than your brothers do. I have always known that. But I had not realized until now just how self-sacrificing you had become. You would do anything for your brothers, wouldn't you?"
Raphael nodded. "I want them to be happy. And they are. I can take living without attention. It hurts..." His voice cracked and he went on, "But I can take it. They can't."
Splinter stared, when had Raphael grown so mature? He's only eleven years old! The old rat's brows furrowed. Raphael should not feel so burdened at such a young age. In fact, he decided that he would do something about it.
"Raphael. I appreciate that you are trying to help your brothers, but I want you to feel both welcomed and loved in this family. I will not allow you to avoid the rest of us any longer. Today, you will spend the rest of the afternoon with your brothers and I, and tomorrow I am sending the three of them out scouting in the sewers for training."
Raphael stared up at him, inquiringly. When no answer was forthcoming he asked, "What about me? What will I do tomorrow?"
"That depends my son. We will do whatever you want."
Raphael's eyes were the size of saucers. Then he smiled a smile so wide it seemed as though his face was going to crack. Tears of joy filled his eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks. "You-you mean it?" His voice was so filled with hope and disbelief that it made Master Splinter's heart clench. "I get to spend the whole day with you? Really?" He asked, with mild disbelief.
Splinter chuckled. "Yes, my son." He pulled Raph in for a tight hug, which the young turtle readily reciprocated.
"Oh, thank you Sensei, thank you!" Raphael repeated over and over.
Master Splinter smiled, yet he still felt ill-at-ease. If Raphael had kept these feelings of exclusion a secret for so long, at this age, it was bound only to get worse as he got older. I will have to keep a close eye on Raphael from now on, he decided.
There was a moment of appreciative silence. Both father and son merely basked in the moment.
"I love you, Father." Raphael whispered.
Master Splinter smiled. "I love you too, Raphael. Very much so."
Raph let out a relieved sigh, and relaxed contentedly into his father's arms. It felt so good to be hugged.
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The night after Raphael was brought home injured...
Splinter awoke from the dream with tears running down his face. It was more than a dream. It was a memory. Raphael...Why must you be so self-sacrificing, little one? Right now you lie at death's door because you nobly took a hit for your little brother.
Splinter sat up and got out of bed. He moved silently out of his room, padded across the lair and entered the lab. He sat beside his hotheaded child and took his hand.
"Raphael...I hope you realize that the loss of a son would destroy me. I love you so much. You cannot afford to lose this fight, my child."
The mutant-rat bent over and kissed his son's forehead. He ran a hand along the side of Raph's face softly, affectionately. Fear surged up from within and his hands began to tremble.
"Raphael, my son. My child. My little child." He shook his head, tears filling his eyes.
This was the first time he had seen Raphael's state since the brothers had carried him in last night. It was now very early in the morning. Donatello was sleeping at his desk only a few feet away. Sensei was careful not to wake him.
The old rat's brown eyes ran over his injured son's form. Raphael's wound was deep. He was lucky to be alive at all. He had lost a lot of blood. His skin was pale, his breaths shallow.
With a sigh, Splinter gave Raphael's hand a final squeeze and silently left the room.
He went into the dojo to meditate.
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Splinter's POV
The next three days were tense. Raphael was getting better, but that didn't mean I wasn't still worried. I was still scared. Scared that Raphael would not fully recover. It had been three days and he still had not awakened. Leonardo spent most of his time in the lab by his brother's side. I have never known my eldest son to be so attentive to his immediate younger brother. I think that the memories I shared with Leonardo and Michelangelo have changed the way that they perceive Raphael's actions.
I sighed. Raphael. My self-sacrificing son. The one who would do anything for his brothers. Tears threatened to run down my face. Of course he would be the one who was injured. I frowned.
One of these days Raphael's role as the protector will get him killed. Goodness knows, this time he came very close. I don't know what will happen then. I don't know what I'll do.
My eyes narrowed as my heart filled with anger and hatred as my thoughts turned to an altogether different direction. Shredder. You have already taken one child away from me. This time you came close to taking another. This has to end. I will not allow you to hurt my family anymore.
I cannot lose Raphael. Or any of my sons. I would not survive it. I have watched them grow from infants to teenagers. I have gotten to know each of them individually. I have seen them learning to work as a team. Each of them has a special place in my heart.
Raphael...Raphael is the emotion of their team. His anger fuels their will and determination. His sensitivity pulls them closer together, and his teasing nature allows them to laugh at themselves and each other. He reassures them when they need it. Sometimes his temper and rough exterior hurt them more than intended, but he makes up for it. I am proud of Raphael. I am proud of his accomplishments, of his fine and noble heart. He has made great strides to control his anger. His tries so hard at everything he does. And that is a noble feat.
Not only that, but Raphael reminds me of myself. All those years ago in Japan. I was much the same.
That is part of the reason why I am so afraid of losing Raphael. I'm afraid that I will lose that part of myself. That sounds selfish, I know.
But isn't that always the case in situations such as these? Selfishness makes us wish that an individual will not pass on. Because we want to keep them near us. Instead of letting them be at peace, we beg that they will remain here, in this world, with us.
Perhaps I am being selfish, but I love Raphael. I will not lose him.
I went out with Michelangelo and Donatello to search for parts in the junkyard. I was reluctant to leave the lair, but my third son insisted. He said it would be better if Leonardo stayed with Raphael. Donatello explained that since the first day, Raphael has been responding best to Leonardo's voice. Eventually I gave in and went with my two youngest sons. I realized that they not only wanted, but needed my presence to comfort them.
We were out for a couple of hours. When we returned Donatello headed straight for the lab. I went to the dojo. I was just entering my meditation when a yell came from the lab. "MIKEY!"
My eyes flicked open and I stood. When there was no more noise I peeked out of the dojo. There was no one there.
I settled back down into my meditative position. More memories of Raphael's childhood surfaced in my mind.
When I finally opened my eyes again, it was quiet. Too quiet. Goodness knows my sons are anything but quiet.
I stepped out into the main room. There was nothing. I frowned. That was unusual. Perhaps they are all in bed. I went to Leonardo's room and glanced inside. It was empty. I did the same with the other rooms. No one.
How strange.
Finally I went to the lab. My heart clenched. I was worried. Why are they all in the lab? Has something gone wrong? Immediately I began to fear the worst. I swallowed nervously.
But when I pushed open the door, a smile spread across my face.
My sons were asleep. Leonardo and Michelangelo were clinging to either side of Raphael, while Donatello was sleeping with his head on the lab table, his injured brother's hand in his. It was a heartwarming sight. I moved silently over to a cabinet in the corner, opened the second drawer down and removed two large sheets. I wrapped one around Donatello. Then I approached the table slowly and draped one over the other three. They all stirred but remained asleep. Leonardo gripped the blanket gently. I smiled again.
"Sensei?" A weak and tired voice murmured sleepily.
I stared. Emerald green eyelids flicked open and bright green eyes stared at me.
"Raphael." I said, my voice filled with emotion. I reached out and pressed my hand against his face. "My son."
"Father." Raphael said tiredly, a small smile on his face.
I couldn't help it. I broke out in tears.
Raphael was alarmed. He shifted and put a hand over mine. "It's okay. It's okay. Father. I'm gonna be alright."
I sighed with relief. "Yes, my son. Of course you are. You're going to be just fine." I couldn't stop the tears of joy that were running down my snout. Raphael was going to be alright. My child. My son was going to be alright.
"I love you, my son. Coming this close to losing you..."
"I know father. I'm sorry I worried you." Raph stated softly.
I smiled, tearfully. "Do not even think about that my son. Right now you should concentrate your efforts on healing."
"But I-"
"Sh, my child. Rest for now. We will discuss more in detail when you are recovered."
Raphael smiled tiredly, with acquiescence. "Yes, Father."
I smiled endearingly at him. "Sleep well my son." I cooed.
Raphael drifted off into sleep.
"I love you all very dearly, my sons."
I kissed them on the forehead one by one, leaving the lab and turning off the light as I went.
FIN