I let out a happy sigh as the hot water cascades down my body. Showers were one of the best things on earth save for thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms. Grandpa Dum always loved thunder storms; he loved the rumbling of thunder and the flashes of light. When I was younger he used to pull me out of bed at night to run around in the pouring rain with him while he laughed like a wild man. I smile at the memory before rinsing my hair in water one last time before turning the water off and climbing out. I grab a towel and wrapping it around myself wipe the condensation from the mirror only to jump as I see Devlin standing behind me.
"Hello pretty," He says as he smiles his rotten smile.
"Why won't you leave me alone?" I say as I gulp down a breath of air.
"Aww is that anyway to talk to the man who raised you?"
"Raised me? Have you lost your mind?"
"I don't have a mind," He says his tone turning dark before he starts to move toward me. "You blew it away, don't you remember?" He says as blood suddenly starts to pour from the top of his head down his face. I stare at him eyes wide in fear as I try to back away. "You killed me!" He yells out as his hands wrap around my throat and clench tightly. I thrash against his hold but it's useless. Come on _____, he's just a hallucination.You can beat him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open my eyes again I pull my hand up and makeshift it into a gun. I place my pointer finger the side of his head and my eyes turn cold as I say, "Bang!"
I watch as the memory of his head exploding from the gunshot plays out in front of me then suddenly he is gone. My eyes stay dark as I turn back to the mirror and stare at my reflection. I was a murderer, even if it had been for self defense I had lost all innocence that day. Killing wasn't supposed to be easy but for me it was. I stare completely frozen until I hear JARVIS say, "Miss, are you alright?"
"Yes JARVIS, I'm okay." I say as I quickly shake my head and rid myself of the memories. I quickly put my clothes and shoes back on before heading back down the stairs where I see Bucky sitting in the doorway petting Baldr. I stare at them with a raised eyebrow before he notices me. "Hey Stark, you hungry?" He says as he pushes himself to his feet and heads over to me.
"That depends, did you cook?"
"Nah I leave the cooking to Steve,"
"Well in that case yeah, I'm starving." I say as I walk side by side with him toward the house. As we neared it I could smell the sweet succulent smell of pancakes and my stomach grumbles. I hear Bucky chuckles and I unconsciously smack his arm; which I instantly regret as my hand hits metal. I wince as I pull my hand back and brace it against my stomach as I fight the urge to cry out in pain.
"Crap you okay?" He asks as he tries not to laugh.
"If you laugh, you're a dead man Barnes," I say as I start to wave my hand back and forth in an attempt to ease the pain. I glance up at his and see that he is chewing on the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing and I narrow my eyes. "You're dead Barnes," I reach down and grabbing a handful of snow, throw it at him hitting him smack dabbed in the middle of the face. I let out an involuntary giggle as he stands there with this shocked look on his face.
"You really wanna start this war Stark?"
"I'll win, I assure you." I say as I reach down and start to pick up another handful of snow. He suddenly runs forward and lifts me over his shoulder. I cry out in surprise as I kick and thrash my legs around. "AGH! Bucky put me down!" I yell out in between fits of laughter. Suddenly I am lifted up and tossed into a huge mound of snow. I let out a scream as the snow covers my body. I instantly jump up and rub my shoulders as I yell out, "That's playing dirty!"
"Your point?" Bucky asks as he smirks. By now I see Steve walk out of the house and I smirk.
"My point is that if I knew we were playing dirty I would have made this war all the more fun." I say as I reach down and grab a handful of snow giving him a devious smile.
"What do you mean?" He asks as he raises and eyebrow.
"You'll see," I say as I reach up and throw the ball of snow at him which he quickly dodges making it hit Steve in the face hard. "Ahahahahahaha!" I laugh out as Bucky stares at Steve with a worried expression.
"You think that's funny (Name)? Steve asks as he slowly reaches up and wipes the rest of the now melting liquid off his face.
"Well I don't know if you heard; but I was laughing so yeah, I thought it was funny." I say as I fold my arms over my chest and smirk at him. He smirks before he walks down the stairs and slowly reaches toward a mound of snow. I stare at him as he makes a giant snow ball and then lifts it up with one hand and says, "I'll give you the chance to change your mind,"
"And if I don't?"
"Then you and this snowball here are gonna become best friends." He says as he raises an eyebrow playfully.
"You wouldn't dare," I say playfully as I fully doubt that he will throw it. Boy was I wrong. The giant snowball collides with my chest making me tumble back into the snow landing softly. I let out a laugh as I jump back up and start making snowballs to throw back at him. The three of us continue for what seemed like hours throwing snowballs back and forth until Steve stops mid throw and says, "Maybe we should stop."
"Oh come on Steve I'm having a blast!" I say as I pout.
"But you're shivering, and your lips are blue." He says as he points to my lips.
"I am?" I say curiously and then I suddenly realize that I am unconsciously shaking. A gust of air hits me and I instantly reach up and wrap my arms around myself. "So much for the shower earlier," I say as I rub my shoulders and head into the house as Bucky and Steve follow closely behind me. As I pass through the door I catch the whiff of breakfast and instantly run to the kitchen. I find the plates sitting nicely on the table and smirk. I walk over and without asking which was mine I sit down and start digging in.
Steve was actually a very good cook. He made pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. I smile as I start to get full. It took me a few minutes to realize that Steve and Bucky had joined me. "Thank you Steve, this is really good and that's saying something cause I usually don't like pancakes."
"How can you not like pancakes?" Bucky asks and I freeze as a memory passes through my mind.
"I have my reasons," I say as I furrow my brows and force the memory away. My stomach instantly starts to churn and clenching my jaw I stand up and grabbing my plate head to the kitchen. I scrape the rest of the food off into the trash and rinse my plate off before I place it in the dish washer. I finally realize how cold I am and start off toward my room. Reaching my room I close the door and quickly change my clothes before I walk over to my grandpa Dum's memory chest.
Sitting in the floor I pull out his bowler and lifting it up place it on my head. The smell of cigars and sweat fills my senses causing a tear to fall down my cheek. I swiftly wipe it away before I reach back inside and pull out some old photos. There were a few of him and the rest of the howling commandos including a much smaller Bucky Barnes. I smirk as I find a couple of Grandpa and my mom. He was standing there in his uniform with an arm wrapped around my mother's shoulders. Tears fill my eyes as I stare at the picture.
"Why did you have to leave me behind?" I ask as I gently run my fingers over the old picture. I had no idea what happened to my mother but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. Before everything had turned to shit she had loved me and treated me just how a child should be treated. Setting the picture down I reach back inside the chest and pull out some more pictures. This time they were of me and my grandfather. A few were of him tossing me really high into the air as my mother freaked out in the background and then there was one and honestly it was my favorite.
I had been about five years old and I was sitting in his lap my head resting against his chest as we sat next to the fireplace and he read from the wizard of OZ. When I was a child it had been my favorite book and he never missed a chance to read it to me. This particular photo was actually the last time I had seen him. It was Christmas and the only time he took off from work. That year he had given me a beautiful snow globe with a rearing white horse inside it surrounded by silver vines. It was engraved with the words, 'To my sunshine, remember to always keep fighting.'
It became the last thing he had ever given me. I treasured it until one day it just disappeared; and then soon after that my mother sold me to Devlin. I narrow my eyes at the picture of just her and I feel my anger rise in my chest. I wanted to rip the photo to shreds but that wouldn't solve anything. My mother was a beautiful red headed beauty but her heart and mind were fragile. After my grandmother passed away my mother became extremely obsessed with my grandfather quitting his job and staying with us but he was a rebel. Soon after his death she just gave up. Of course I had tried like hell to find her after I went to college but I never did.
I toss her picture back into the chest and quickly gather all the other ones and gently place them inside before I close the chest. I hated days like this, days where I felt super nostalgic. I walk over to the bathroom and as I walk past the mirror a familiar brown color catches my eye and I smirk as I see that I still have his bowler on. Turning toward the mirror I stand at attention and saluting my reflection remember how my grandpa used to salute me all the time. A smile crosses my lips but it is quickly followed by tears.
I lean over the sink as I fight against the tears. I did not need this now. "Who's grandpa's girl?" I hear my grandfather's voice call out making the tears pour from my eyes. I pull the bowler off and gently place it on the bathroom shelf. "Why are you crying _____?" I hear his voice ask and I look back into the mirror to see his reflection staring back at me. I clench my jaw as I cry out softly, "Because you left me,"
"I didn't leave you ______, I'm always with you. I'm in your courage, your compassion, and your heart. When you need me I'll always be here for you."
"But you're not, are you? You're not here!"
"______," He says his eyes going soft.
"You died and left me behind, and she-" I pause as I look back down at the sink before the words snake past my lips. "She sold me... Why would she do that?" I feel my bottom lip tremble making me clutch tighter to the sink my knuckles turning white. "What did I do to make her not want me anymore?"
"You didn't do anything _______, only she knows why she did what she did."
"But I want to know, I need to know why she gave me up." I finally look back up into the mirror and glancing into it see not only my grandfather, but also the reflection of Steve and my face blanches. I quickly whip around to see him standing in the doorway and my heart drops. "Wh-what are you doing in here?"
"I was worried about you," He says as his blue eyes fill with concern, "Are you okay?"
"Am I okay?" I scoff as I reach up and wipe the tears from my eyes before I push past him back into my room.
"______," He starts but I quickly stop him by holding up my hand to his face and saying, "Stop! Just don't please," I pull my hand away and start to walk to the other side of the room when I hear him say, "You know the best way to get over your demons is to talk to someone about them."
"God dammit Steve, this has nothing to do with you! If I want to talk to someone then I will, but I don't."
"You don't or you won't?" Steve says and I freeze in my footsteps. I feel my anger rise in my chest as I turn back to him and say, "Why do you care?"
"_____,"
"No seriously, why do you care? Why do you want to know what haunts me?"
"I just don't like to see anyone in pain; you're Starks daughter, Howard's Granddaughter that makes you like family to me."
"Family?" I scoff at him before saying, "You don't even know me Rogers; you just met me yesterday."
"That's all I need, from what I've seen you're a good person who has had a relatively hard life and I just want to help."
"I don't want your dam help!" I yell out glaring at him as my eyes fight back tears. "I don't want anyone's help! I just wanna be left alone!" I scream out before I run from my room, down the stairs, and out the front door. I run across the icy snow bare foot and throwing myself into the barn yell out, "Jarvis close the doors and lock them, do not let anyone in!" As the doors close, I pace up and down the wide corridor my mind racing as it fills with a plethora of angry and judgmental voices from my past. I reach up and gripping tightly to the sides of my head, my fingers intertwining themselves in my hair.
"SHUT UP!" I yell out as I try to quiet the raging voices but they just intensify. Tears now pour from my eyes as I find myself collapsing to the hard floor. "Leave me alone!" I yell out over and over again in desperation. Suddenly I feel someone wrap their arms around me and I instantly panic as I try to push them away.
"It's okay Stark, calm down!" I hear a familiar gravelly voice say and I freeze as I look up into his Icy blue eyes.
"Bucky?" I say questioningly as I stare at him in confusion. He gives me a reassuring smirk before he says, "Yeah, its Bucky."
"Wha-Why are you in here? I told Jarvis to close the door."
"Yeah about that, I owe you a door." He says and I raise an eyebrow before I glance behind him to see that he had ripped one of the doors of its hinges.
"Seriously?" I ask as an involuntary chuckle escapes my lips.
"Yeah, well you were freaking out; and we were worried about you."
"So you break my door?"
"Yeah, I'll fix it I promise."
"You bet you will," I say as I pull away from him and sit back on my butt as I wipe tears away.
"There's that smile I've grown to like," he says and I suddenly realize that I am smiling. I reach up and gently touching my lips quickly throw the thought from my mind.
"What do you want Barnes,"
"And the bitch is back,"
"Wow really, I'm a bitch?"
"Well you are acting like one," I open my mouth to argue but I can't I have been acting rather bitchy, especially to Steve. "Look I don't know what happened between you and Steve but he's upset and I don't like to see him upset. So tell me what happened."
"Look before I say anything you have to understand something about me,"
"Okay,"
"I've been alone for a very long time and when I have an episode,"
"Episode?"
"I hear voices and have hallucinations; I see things and feel things that aren't really there. Today I was feeling nostalgic so I went through my grandpa's chest and then ended up seeing him. I was having a conversation with him and I was crying when Steve showed up. He's the first person who has ever witnessed me during one of those moments and I freaked out. He tried to help me and I said some pretty hateful things."
"Don't you think you should tell him this?"
"Yeah, I just don't know what to say honestly. I'm a crazy person who can be set off by literally everything; why do you think I choose machines over people?"
"I figured it was because you're a Stark."
"Well that's only one reason," I say as I let out a soft chuckle. "The best reason is because machines can't hurt you."
"Unless your father makes a murder-bot,"
"Thank you for the reminder Barnes," I say as I narrow my eyes at him.
"What I meant was anything is capable of hurting you, now whether or not you allow it too is a different story."
"When did you become so philosophical Barnes?"
"When I started getting my memory back after the whole HYDRA thing, I was a mess. I had so many memories and thoughts running throughout my head and there were times when I too had hallucinations. I had nightmares for months about killing Steve and having his blood drenched on my hands." He stares down at his hands and I watch as his eyes go dark.
"How did you-"
"Steve helped me, I thought I needed to be alone but what I needed was my friend, and a little help from a new friend of ours Wanda."
"Wanda?"
"Yeah she was with HYDRA temporarily, they did experiments on her and she became pretty powerful. She was able to help me quiet my mind and arrange my thoughts."
"That was nice of her,"
"Yeah it was," He says as he offers me a familiar smile.
"I don't suppose she'd help me out?"
"You don't need her," he says as he reaches out and takes my hands in his. "You are stronger than I was."
"Right," I say sarcastically causing his grip to instantly tighten on my hands.
"Don't sell yourself short Stark; you can do whatever you set your mind too. Plus you have me and Steve to help you out. You don't have to be alone anymore."
"But I don't mind being alone, it's safer that way."
"That's true, it is safer; but then you'll be controlled by your fears and your memories for the rest of your life."
"I hate you right now, but you're right. If I ever want to move on I need to face my fears."
"Pfft I'm always right." He says as he pulls his hands away and chuckles.
"Uh huh, whatever you say Barnes." I say as I smirk at him. "Thank you,"
"For?"
"Giving me a reality check, and also for saying you'll be here; both you and Steve."
"No problem, but you do need to talk to Steve, he's a fragile little flower."
"Okay now I know your being an asshole!" I say as a laugh escapes my lips making him smirk.
"That's my job though," He says as he forces himself to his feet and holds his hand out to me. I gulp down a breath of air as I reach up and let him pull me to my feet. "Alright, lets go talk to Stevie." I instantly start bursting out laughing causing him to turn towards me with a confused look on his face.
"Do you seriously call him Stevie?"
"Hell yeah I do,"
"That's awesome, that's my new favorite thing about him." I say as we walk side by side back to the house.