Chapter Fourteen
The smell of turkey and pie still filled the house, though the dishes had long been cleared away. Wind roared off the lake, battering the house. They'd gotten a foot of snow already, and it showed no sign of slowing down. The plows were out, but the snow was falling so fast that they couldn't keep up with it, leaving the roads drifted with snow and impassible. Diana and Susan had managed to get to Andie's house earlier that day, but there was no leaving now.
Andie snapped a sheet in the air, then let it drift down over the guest bed. As she bent to tuck in the corner, Diana stepped into the doorway.
"Well," she said, "My mom is out like a light on your couch. I guess I get the guest bed after all." Diana stood there, a frown on her face as she watched Andie. "We've been best friends for a long time, Andie. Since we were little. I've always loved you and stood by you, no matter what choice you made, but I can't stand by you in this one. I can't."
Andie opened her mouth, bewildered, but Diana held up her hand. "No. I don't want to hear it. I can't watch you do this anymore. I know it's wrong, and horrible of me, but God, Andie. I hate you so much right now!" And Diana gave the plump, down pillows stacked neatly by her feet a good hard kick, sending them crashing into the window.
Andie pressed her icy fingers to her mouth, trying to keep her gasp of shock from escaping. "Diana-"
"No! I do! I hate you! I hate you for throwing your life away, for living like you're already dead! Don't you get it? You've got this whole, long life ahead of you! You can make plans, have dreams, live. And I have nothing! Nothing! You have an amazing man who loves you, and you're too damn scared of taking a risk to do anything about it!" She whirled and slammed her fist into the mattress with a good, solid thump. "Yeah, someday, you'll die. So will Conner and Shawn and Logan. But in all likelihood it will be decades from now. Do you even know how lucky you are? What a luxury that is? What gives you the right to say, 'Oh, gee, thanks for this nice life, God, but I don't think I want to live it. It's too scary'? And you know what else? Your parents would hate it too, if they could see it! Do you think they'd like what you've done to yourself? Do you think they'd be happy that you let their death twist you into this cold, frightened, empty person you've become?" And then she stopped, her chest heaving like she'd run a race.
Andie slid to the floor as Diana's words sliced through her. The room spun around her as she struggled to breathe under the crushing weight of her accusations.
No, not accusations. Truth. Andie knew it in her heart for awhile now, but had been afraid to confront it. She'd chosen to ignore it, but she couldn't ignore it now. Not when Diana was standing in front of her, her head bald, her body emaciated. Diana was so right. What did Andie have to be so scared of? That she might get hurt? That she might lose someone she cared about? Had being so scared, so ruthlessly careful, saved anyone she had loved and lost? Had it kept Diana from getting sick? Or Logan from getting hurt? Had it kept Andie from being miserable?
Andie's parents would hate that she'd taken their lives, all the wonderful memories, and twisted it into some kind of screwed up shield, using it as an excuse to try to protect herself. The stupid thing was, even if she kept everyone she loved healthy and safe, eventually they'd get old. What would Andie have to show for her life other than a huge pile of regrets and always, always, a bright ribbon of pain through it all?
Diana slid down next to Andie, let her head rest on her shoulder. "And do you know what the worst part is? You pushed Conner away to keep from getting hurt. But look at you. You're miserable without him. Can you truthfully tell me, right now, that you're not in pain, that you don't miss him? That you haven't been hurting constantly, ever since he walked away?"
Andie took a deep shuddering breath. "No. God, I miss him so much. I didn't even realize how much I loved him, how being with him made me feel happy, until he was already gone. But it's too late, Diana. He's leaving for Montana tomorrow. He doesn't want me anymore."
"That's a load of crap and you know it. He doesn't leave until tomorrow. Go convince him to stay."
A huge gust of wind slammed into the side of the house, making the windows creak in their frames. Andie felt her heart begin to beat hard and fast in her chest. "But the storm-"
Diana shook her head. "No more excuses. You've still got your snowmobile, don't you? You used to be hell on wheels on that thing, before you became, you know..."
Andie scrambled to her feet. "Go ahead, you can say it. Before I became a wimp. Shawn!" she yelled, sprinting out into the hallway. "Shawn!"
Diana had followed her out of the guestroom. "He's walking Mrs. Brown home. I can keep an eye on Logan until he gets back." And Diana grinned at her, a huge, happy grin. "Thank God. Now I don't have to hate you anymore. It was exhausting."
"Tell me about it." Andie snagged her old snowmobile suit out of the storage closet at the end of the hall. "Think this thing still fits?"
"Only one way to tell."
It was only a matter of minutes before she was suited up and in the garage, flipping the ignition on her old, red snowmobile. It was still in perfect shape, even full of gas. Shawn must have been maintaining it for her all these years. She sent out a silent promise that she'd thank him later, and then roared out into the dark, snow filled streets.
The snow and wind beat against her, but it was no match for the heat surging through her, the exhilaration of the powerful machine snarling under her, as she flew through the night.
And then his apartment complex appeared through the wall of snow. The roar of the machine was replaced with the roar of the wind as she flipped the ignition off. But as she removed her helmet, some of the heat and joy in her heart was washed away by a wave of cold fear. What if it was too late?
Her hands were shaking as she tucked the helmet under her arm and marched toward the building. She'd driven here through a freaking blizzard; she could do this. She was so intent on giving herself a pep talk that when she slammed into something big, and solid, and warm, when she started to skid on the black ice coating the sidewalk, she couldn't pull herself out of her thoughts quickly enough to keep from falling on her butt. There was a flurry of movement in front of her, and then someone hit the ground next to her. Hard.
"Crap." Conner lay there, flat on his back with a halo of snow blowing around him. He looked about as stunned as she felt. He twisted his head toward her. "Andie?"
"Yeah." She stood up, brushed the snow off the seat of her pants, trying not to wince at the dull ache. "Are you okay?"
He sat up, touched his chin gingerly, then swore. He took his hand away, wet with blood.
"I think I have a tissue here. God, I'm sorry. This is all my fault." She unzipped her suit a little, and slid her hand into the pocket of her slacks, puling out a napkin with a grinning turkey on it. She pressed it to his chin, keeping the pressure steady as the warmth of his blood seeped through the paper. Oddly, she didn't feel the slightest bit sick or faint. "Were you... going somewhere? I thought your flight out wasn't until tomorrow."
"It's not." He gently batted her hand away, taking the napkin from her before he stood up. "I'm okay. What are you doing here, Andie?'
"I came to see you. I wanted to talk."
He stared at her, not even a hint of a smile on his face, his eyes dark with something she couldn't quite identify.
Andie swiped her helmet up from the snow bank. "Um. Can I come in?"
Her question hung in the icy air between them. Oh, God. Maybe it really was too late. Andie's knees liquefied and she locked them. She might lose him, but she sure as hell wouldn't give up without a fight.
Conner took his keys out, the slight jingle they made a metallic counterpoint to the low base notes of the wind. He wiped at his chin again, then crumpled the napkin in his hand. "Yeah. All right."
And he turned and walked into the building. At least he held the door for her. That had to mean something, right?
Conner walked down the hallway to his apartment, unlocked the door and flipped on the entryway light. He stood there a minute staring at her, the abrasion on his chin raw and red, then shook his head. "Do you want some tea or something?"
Andie grabbed at the offer like a lifeline. "Yes. Please. Do you mind if I take my suit and boots off?"
Conner shrugged. "Whatever." And walked past her into the kitchen.
Andie blew out a shaky breath, then bent to wrestle with her boots, her fingers stiff with fear, making the task take about five minutes longer than it should have. She stripped out of the suit, hung it neatly on the coat rack, then padded into the kitchen after him.
Water spilled out of the faucet and he splashed it over his chin, then dried it with an old towel. He placed a mug in front of her, before leaning back against the counter top, taking a sip from his own. The silence stretched again as he watched her.
She wrapped her hands around the mug, for the heat and the comfort it provided her. "Okay. So... I hurt you, and I'm really, really sorry."
He clicked his mug down on the counter so hard that a little of the tea sloshed over the rim and then strode around the counter until he was inches from her. "You said I was reckless and irresponsible." His voice was a low growl of anger and her fear deepened as a twinge of hopelessness threaded through it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. She looked up into his eyes, held steady. "I was wrong. That was wrong. You are thoughtful, and charming, and optimistic and sexy."
The tightness around his lips eased a little. "I told you I loved you and you threw it back in my face."
And God, wasn't that ironic? That she'd done the thing that she'd condemned him for doing years before? And she didn't even have the excuse of being dumb and stupid. Well, maybe the stupid part fit. "I know. I'm sorry for that too." She stepped closer, until their legs brushed against each other, her eyes still on his face. "I was stupid, Conner. So stupid. And, yeah, I was sacred out of my mind. I let my parent's death mess me up. I'm not saying I'm not still messed up, because it'll probably take me a long time to finish healing. I think I need some therapy maybe, I don't-"
Conner's hands flashed out, curled around her arms, gave her a gentle shake. "Andie. Focus. What are you saying?"
She let her hands drift up, cover his chest. "I love you, Conner. I love you and I want to be with you. I was stupid and I let fear control me, but I'm not afraid anymore. You said in the garage that I was your dream now. Stay here. With me." And she leaned forward the few inches separating them and pressed her lips against his.
"Andie." Conner groaned her name against her lips as his hands streaked up to bury themselves in her hair. "Say it again. Say it again."
"I love you. I thought I knew where I belonged, what my place was. But then you showed up and you changed everything. You brought me back to life. You lead me back to my self, to the person I'd thought I'd lost forever."
Conner's hands slid down, covered her breasts, and Andie let her head fall back as his mouth trailed down her neck. "You, the love I feel for you, it's so huge and bright and God, you make me feel so... alive," she said.
Conner lifted her in his arms, carried her to the sofa, then set her gently down on the smooth leather. His weight settled heavily on her as his mouth closed over hers again, his tongue slipping into her mouth, filling her with the scent, the feel of him. Cool air touched Andie's belly as he lifted her sweater, tugged it over her head.
Conner's lips moved over her feverishly. "Oh, God, Andie." He said the words against her skin as Andie arched into to him, glorying in the heat and the weight of him, letting her hands move over him, re-learning every inch of his skin as her heart swelled with love and desire for him.
"Conner, please," she said. "I can't wait anymore."
His mouth never left hers as he unhooked her slacks and slid them down. He shoved at his own jeans, only managing to get them about halfway down before Andie hooked her legs around him and guided him home.
A long time later, Andie pressed her arms as tightly as she could around him, holding him close, as their breath slowed. Conner leaned back, kissed first one eyelid and then the other, before placing another long, tender kiss on her lips.
Andie smiled up at him as she trailed her finger down his cheek. "Does that mean you forgive me?"
Conner laughed, a deep, low chuckle that sent vibrations all the way to her heart. "I was coming to get you."
"What?"
"Tonight. I was coming to get you. I decided I couldn't give up on you with out trying one more time. I love you, Andie. I think I might have always loved you, but I was too stubborn and stupid to realize it back when we were kids. I've always been searching for something, a place to belong, a family. I guess I didn't think I could find it here in Port Haven, not when I'd been so unhappy here. So I left, and I saw the world. I didn't find what I was looking for, not until I came back here, came back to you. And then I found it."
Andie pressed her lips to his, feeling the heat and love burn through her until she was as clear and bright as a candle flame. "What did you find, Conner?"
He smiled down at her, his dimple flashing. "I found love. I found my home in you."
Warmth washed through Andie, a searing glow that heated every part of her as she pressed her lips against his. "I love you too, Conner. Welcome home." And she held out her arms and let him in.