''Here it comes - the true queen of wrestling," Jean joked as we met outside the car. His face was shining in happiness, but as far as I could go was to the dream land of 'what the hack just happened'. Beyond that point was just the abyss of questions.
++
As quickly Levi said that sentence, I literally stopped breathing.
What?
I know I said to him the exact same thing and he was probably messing with me, trying to see my reactions... But he hit the jackpot. As much as my brain tried to warn my body to be prepared at things like this and just try to act like I don't care; my heart worked on its own. It betrayed my mind and body and let the words cut into me, weaken me for a moment. Because as quickly Levi said it, my head yanked itself into his direction and I looked at him with big eyes, forgetting about everyone else, regardless of how many people were watching.
But I just couldn't help myself - my feelings were mixed. A part of me melted on everything he did and said, as if it was feeling him whole - heartbeat, the mystery behind those eyes, blueness in them, even the fact how his breath made me shiver. I could feel him glance at me with a smirk and in that moment, another feeling appeared in my mind - anger.
Pure, cold anger.
Why is he doing this? A part of me asked the cheesy one and I felt the question stung directly into the core of my feels. It was hard to admit, but this question made me confused.
Why is he acting like this?
I tried to push the thoughts away, but they just wouldn't go away.
He is messing with you.
Closing my eyes I looked back towards the crowd, answering my mind: You're wrong.
But am I?
It felt like I was talking to another person directly in front of me, but the fact this was my own subconscious made me feel slightly awkward.
I was talking to myself. Yeah, many people do it and society claims it's weird but... do people fight with their own self? Because I surely was and it was even more irritating then fighting with people who actually exist.
You really can't see it, can't you? A part of me teased forward, making the pressure heavier in my dry lungs. A part of my brain automatically activated a line of memories, while I tried to look normal on the outside, so people wouldn't know, what was happening in the inside – a chain reaction of anxiety, as we started walking off stage. As doing this rather under a big presure, I could see the memories of us - precious and loving, from the beginning towards the end - but those were now roughly mixed with all the painful ones - New Year's, days after the party and the month after the accident - all were now squeezed in my mind, making my head hurt as I walked down the podium.
He never showed up at the hospital.
Those words made me stop in the middle off walking downstairs. Hearing myself gasp, the thoughts floated away on a cloud, but I could feel the poisonous dart make the happiness drain from my body. Looking down at my feet, I felt them go numb and even if I tried as hell to keep on moving, they didn't even flinch. I felt like they were heavy and pinned to my body with force, but at the same time every single move was like a hit in the stomach. Tensing my shivering body, I couldn't dare to look up and see him in front of me, so I rather listened to the voices around me. I could clearly hear Eren calling me in the distance, my teammates chatting happily and much more, but I concentrated on my brother – it was the obvious thing to do, since my last minutes in this place were slipping away.
So I had to get to Eren. But I also wanted to get to Levi. My mind was way too confused about the whole situation; I wanted to run off so badly, but at the same time, I wanted this moment to last forever. I wanted to feel this adrenaline run up my body, as I finally moved, trying to walk quickly and escape my coaches and teammates. I wanted to feel the waves of my emotions hit and hurl rocks at me, while I melt in my feelings. But right when I was supposed to disappear in the crowd and find Eren, I slipped.
I freaking SLIPPED downstairs.
How the hell is that even possible? There were only a couple of small stairs, but I managed to slip in the middle, yanking my body towards the ground. It was all too quick to process, so I couldn't even protect my face.
I completely forgot about my condition – and as a bonus, it all happened just because I was daydreaming. Because, I was thinking of Levi – but the thought of the blue-eyed raven had saved me in the past, and even now, I had no idea, how he managed to catch me. But suddenly, there I was in his embrace once again, feeling his eyes melt on mine and I looked up, scared of what I'll find. My face was iron cold as I glanced at him, finding his eyes to be shading in ocean colours. He was concentrating on me, his body felt tense, but he was warm.
Under the robotic machine, he was still covered in all the things I loved about him.
But just as I wanted to admire those things, I soon realized, what was happening. We were too close – his face was inches apart from mine, while our bodies were finally pressed against one another, but breathing as one. Our gazes were intense, my heart was racing, waiting for him to let go of me or just hug me and shield me forever. But I couldn't simply afford it – not right now. We were still in public, I still had to find Eren and I was still clouded in mixed emotions, so the whole thing had to be planned. It had to happen, but now it wasn't the best timing.
I quickly shook under his arms, making him let go off me in surprise and I took the chance to back away. As I was now standing a few feet away, I caught his eyes sparkle in confusion. The glance was still iron-looking, but even though, he just couldn't hide his emotions from me, because lets be real – we know each other quite good, despite our really awkward and strange relationship - If you can even call it that, because we haven't really had a proper talk yet.
These thoughts circled in my mind as I backend away, blending into the crowd, trying to escape more people, teammates, and mostly – Levi. But as I orientated in the direction of Eren's voice, I still felt Levi looking directly at me, like his eyes were cutting through my flesh. The situation was damn strange, since we both actually knew, what we want, what we're doing – basically avoiding one another. But if this is how it's supposed to be then I really need to know the reason behind it.
With the last glance towards my lovely raven, I whispered soft words with unbelievable ease: '' Levi, we...''
''Mikasa!'' I heard Eren scream, probably a little impatient, since he simply wanted to get away from this place as soon as possible.
Can just this once something go right?
With that thought echoing through my mind, I dropped my gaze away from Levi and simply turned on my feet, storming through the crowd and barely holding the tears back.
++
''Not even gonna comment that,'' I mumbled, taking heavy steps towards him and the car. The air was pretty chilly for an early spring night, but yet again snow hasn't really been gone so long. But it still made shivers run up my arms, making me tighten the jacket around me.
Jean frowned at my sudden attitude, and I clearly heard him sigh, as I walked closer to him, since he was practically blocking my way, while leaning on the car doors. I was tired as hell from all that rampage wrestling, but Jean looked like he drank three cups of coffee. His eyes were sparkling, he was all chill and for some odd reason, he was waiting next our car, while his ride home was actually Marco. But who really gives a shit, when you're here; freezing your butt off and Jean isn't even a little sleepy.
I stopped a few feet from him, yanking my head to lock his chocolate eyes with my dull ones. And as quickly he caught a glimpse of my irritated and sad face, his hands flew up, as he said smugly: ''And why the long face?''
I just shrugged in reply, not even bothering to look okay. I clearly wasn't fine since my mind was again occupied with Levi. Ever since I met the raven, all I could do was look at him, think about him and my mind would go dancing up the clouds. But these clouds were now grey and rainy, preparing for a big thunderstorm.
I could feel myself getting impatient – as much as I wanted just to leave this burden behind, I really hopped he got the message. I really hopped he would want to talk to me. But now it was those seconds – those, I've waited for so long, those I've been preparing for the whole freaking week.
The last seconds to say my last words, before I officially disappear.
''It has to be the cold,'' Jean continued interrupting my thoughts and I was slightly glad that my mind had to focus on a conversation and not just on my cliché dramatic love life. ''Are you cold?'' Jean then asked worriedly, seeing me tremble in the cold night. I would've shaken my head gladly, if it wasn't too late – without questions, Jean abruptly took a step forward, so his figure was now an inch away from me. I jerked my eyes up, frowning in surprise as a question was warming up my tongue, but I couldn't really let the words out. Jean had already swung his jacket around my shoulders, keeping his hands steady on them. I could've easily frowned even more, but I remembered the time he handed me his jacket in the café, while everyone, even Levi were watching.
But now, the parking lot was occupied with strangers, Eren, Jean and me. And no one can see perfectly in the dark, so I wasn't even bothered by it. Actually, I even managed to smile and cling on the warm jacket like its offering life. I could even smell that amazing scent of Jean, but only now I could concentrate on it – it smelled sweet, but not too much and for some odd reason it reminded me of hot chocolate. Not sure why, but probably because of his brown eyes, now starring down at me, as we awkwardly stood there, embraced by silence.
I focused my eyes for a moment at him, smiling, but then I quickly looked down, since I still couldn't forget what Levi just said. It was like I was on a brink of explosion, as if my mind wasn't really aware of what just happened. As if my brain could process the whole thing, but I could feel the outburst coming later. Now all I could feel was cold sadness and the bitterness, looming down my neck, as Eren finally reached the car, now putting my stuff in. It was hard not to believe, he just glanced at us and surprisingly didn't say a thing – he was probably just confused and for a moment, a sparkle lightened up in my body, as he recommended, we wait for Marco, so Jean doesn't end up alone in the parking lot.
Since the weather was that chilly and knowing Eren isn't really a fan of it, he opened the car and jumped on the seat, as we just waited in silence for gods know what.
Gladly, after we finally realized, Eren couldn't really hear us if we manage to whisper, I could feel Jean drag his fingers up my shoulders, making me look up. Surprisingly, even in the dark, I could see his face sharpen a little, as he said very quietly, but sharply:
''Did anything between you and Levi happen today?''
I remembered telling him about my affection towards the shorter boy, but I really didn't expect of him to even start talking about this topic. Sure he hates Levi and it's probably a little jealous of him, so hearing him say his name made me twitch. My eyes even widened clearly, so all my work into being an iron façade vanished right as he said those words.
But what choice do I really have? Lie to him the last time we see each other?
I couldn't talk properly since my throat was all dry, so I nodded in reply.
And as I moved my head, his fingers stopped brushing my shoulders.
''Guessing nothing really good, huh?'' he whispered softly, but I could feel a bit of anger forming in it. Having no proper answer to this question either, I simply looked down, starring at the ground once again. It was better being stuck in silence with Jean next to me, then thinking and talking about all the possibilities and thoughts, now circling in my mind. But I guess words aren't just necessary in the serious conversations like this. Yes, you have to say a few things, but it doesn't mean it's the only way to go. And that's where Jean did the unexpected:
He gave me a hug.
Suddenly, his fingers dug dipper in my shoulders and I gasped, feeling it stung into my skin. But shortly after I could throw something at him, he gently yanked me towards him and I could hear myself exhale sharply. His hands then slowly moved down my back, so he was embracing me into a warm bear hug.
Everyone I ever meet always talk about, how tall I actually am for a girl, but right now, on the cold parking lot, it didn't help that much - Jean was still pretty taller than me, so I had my head berried in his shoulder, but it was quite comfortable. He was warm as fire, comfortable and his actions suddenly made me feel much more relaxed.
Jean is an awesome friend, but only that - nothing more and nothing less.
I gladly responded with a quiet smile, and moved my arms around his waist, leaning onto him. Pressing my head on his chest end letting my hair tangle into his shirt, I could now clearly hear his heartbeat – and it was suddenly going insane. I would have moved away or say something, but since I know, how much I mean to him, and it would be really awkward to reject his sweet kindness, I just let it go. I rather let it happen and stayed in the embrace for as long as I could. And deep in my mind, I knew, this moment will stay in my mind for a long time. It will be thought of in times of stress, when all that a person needs is to smile and remember how much he actually has.
It was the last hug I'll ever share with this horse face.
It saddened me for a brief moment, and I completely forgot about anything around me – about Eren in the car, people around us, the cold parking, and the endless sky above us. I was now on the horizon, watching my friends, as I made steps into my future. Surprisingly, they were all happy for me and smiling, but the two faces I couldn't see, were Jean's and Levi's. Their expressions were blurry and as much as I tried to focus my vision, it would only make my eyes hurt.
This night had to be the one, where all I could do was daydream about anything in particular. I've never been so deep into some thoughts before, but I was surprisingly glad for losing myself in my dream world. So before trying to break the hug between us, I let a single tear fly into the real world. It moved down my cheek, leaving a warm trace behind as it dropped on Jean's jacket, but luckily he didn't even notice.
Hell, we were all too blind to even see a figure approach us from behind. But as we were now tightly hugging each other, a sharp cough echoed through the air, leaving me let Jean in the same second. Mostly because it surprised me and I clearly thought it was Eren or my teammates. But the speed was added by my brain, as they remembered Levi's voice. He just went quiet right as I looked at him, leaving Jean confused, since his hands hadn't really gotten a chance to let go of me properly. So now we were facing Levi just the same as Levi and I once did Jean, not even that long ago. But we were now outside, standing, not even alone, while there was just the three of us, locked in a room. And even though, this was a completely different scenario, I felt really shitty, because right at this moment, it felt like Jean and Levi switched roles. Now Levi was the one weird looking, while Jean tried to act as smugly as possible – probably, because his jealousy just hit in his head or he knew what the hell was going between the two of us. Or maybe I'm just wrong, and he's not even jealous. But the fact, his hands weren't soft anymore, and his body tensed up like he was preparing to fight made sure that statement was still true.
Jean was in fact jealous.
''Can I talk to you for a second?'' Levi wasted no time with his iron-cold voice, obviously questioning me, but it still felt surprisingly weird. He was tensed as the time, we saw each other in café, and not like Jean, his expressions couldn't be red. He could be angry, sad, annoyed, disgusted at the same time and I would have no clue. Right as I was about to answer with all the anxiety slowly bursting up, since I waited for this moment the whole freaking evening, it had to happen – Eren had to come out of the car.
And he had to interfere.
''Mikasa, we have to go,'' he came behind my back, moving me away from both guys, who I could even see in the dark sending glares in each other's direction. He spoke quietly, as if he didn't even see Levi in front of me, but it was very obvious, he had – his hands were cold, his voice was sharp and I could feel the anger boil inside him.
I was again clueless of what to do – should I ignore my brother and talk to Levi or should I go with him and finally let the pain end? But as much as I wanted to do the first thing, I knew I stood no chance against Eren, only if Jean would back me on this. But that would never happen – just seeing him look at Levi without a twitch of emotions on his face told me everything. Stalling, I shook Eren's hands off me, trying to answer Levi or just exchange eye contact with him, make that sparkle light up in my heart as I see his eyes for the last time. But as good as of a wrestler I may be, Eren always had his grip strong around my wrist – and even now, as much as I wanted to fight for freedom, it looked like he was caging me in more and more. I felt like I was in that scenario, where you're so close to actually doing something important, but you always have people, which block you from doing it.
And Eren and Jean were now the jerks in this scenario.
Without even speaking, Eren began to drag me towards the car, as Jean stepped in the way, blocking us from one another and I soon realized – he was with Eren all the way and it made me feel even guiltier for letting the hug happen.
But a part of me completely understood the situation – both guys were just trying to shield me from what they think is danger. And even if it sounds amazing to have someone so protective over your back, it was still the wrong thing to do – they didn't ask me politely to go in the car, they didn't want to know, if I really want to talk to Levi. And as a consequence, I was now next to the car with Eren, watching from the side as a fiery conversation started between Levi and Jean.
''Why?'' the brown-haired guy asked with a teasing voice. ''The competition is over, there's nothing you can discuss considering wrestling.''
''Like it's you god damn business if I had to talk to her,'' the raven hissed, and shivers ran up my legs, making me struggle enough so I wasn't forced to sit in the car. I pinned to the car's side and finally could see Levi starring at Jean with those iron eyes of aggression. He was still wearing the black outfit and his stare looked nothing like ever before. I got used to his iron eyes and the oceans that could spread in them but I've never seen so much steel in them. And now they were only covered with sparkling figures, icy mountains of anger and so much flaming rage. But not like Eren's green glares of doom, these flames were pure ice, a true snowstorm happening in those irises.
''Hell yeah it is – she's a friend I care for deeply and in a way, even you probably can't understand,'' Jean said in a low voice, and I was quite surprised, he stood up against him. But now the tall guy didn't even look the same – he had his eyes narrowed at Levi while his fingers and teeth were clenching.
Looking at him, the only explanation for his angry behaviour had to be the fact, how he felt about my relationship with Levi – jealous, protective, and angry, as hate now travelled under his skin, as the guys looked at each other coldly.
''Just get out of my way, you little brat,'' Levi said even angrier, sharpness looming out of his body, as he clenched his fists, getting dangerously closer to Jean. He didn't look in my direction to see if I was watching him act so aggressively, he simply went with it as the last time, when he and Eren fought on the corridor.
Jean looked at the raven's hands and abruptly laughed, but it left a bitter taste in the air. I imagined him raising an eyebrow as he gestured at him, saying: ''Oh, so you're gonna fight me now, eh? Just because I stick beside my friend and try to talk this out.''
''Maybe you're just fucking blind or dumb as shit, I can't decide right now, but this is not the way of talking things out. It's called blocking a person from a conversation.''
I don't know how much of the insults I could handle – I hated when the fight was partly happening because of me and I hated the thought of Levi beating Jean – and now this was exactly the direction this whole thing was going. And surprisingly the one, not interfering was Eren, which by the way has a temper of one of a kind. Now he was just leaning on the car and watching the conversation flow – and it made me really angry, so the only choice that was left for me was to interfere if anything goes wrong. But unfortunately, the result just may head down that path.
''Well good then – I may be dumb and all, but unlike you, I don't hurt people,'' Jean's voice sharpened and rose, but he suddenly got closer to Levi and I could hear him whisper the forbidden word.
''Midget.''
Whit that being said, I forgot about Eren and escaped his grip in a flash, making a run towards the guys. My eyes were widened, arms stretched ahead, as I already knew, what was about to happen. And as for my predictions goes: Levi was quicker than I, attempting to push Jean out of the way. He already sent a strong punch directly into Jean's stomach.
Hearing the brown-haired boy gasp and struggle to stand on his feet, I felt strings tighten the area around my heart as I let out his name. But he was already bending and coughing like hell, as Levi looked like a robot, sent to kill and destroy. If I couldn't protect Jean from the first punch, I clearly could the next time. So, without even thinking it through, I sprinted between them, throwing Jean out of the way with a force, I was capable doing only when wrestling. But since my goal was getting Jean out of the way, I completely forgot, Levi had planned yet another strike to the side. And as much as I could try and block it, I knew from the moment his hands swung through the air, it was too late - I'll be hit and there was no way of protecting me. Focused ahead, I squeezed my eyes and waited for the punch, as I could only manage to say Levi's name aloud as a defence.
But the hit still came.
It felt like breaking my ribs as it sent me to the ground, but luckily, I was caught by unfamiliar pair of hands. Exhaling in agony, my eyes jerked up to meet Eren's pissed expression. He looked like his head will explode in any minute, and as much as I tried to get up, act natural, as if the strike didn't do anything, an insane cough burned up my lungs instead. Groaning in pain, I yanked myself from Eren's embrace, rubbing the punched area with my hand, trying to make it less painful. Sadly, it didn't help much and I only groaned again, louder this time.
Expecting to hear Eren yell or even throw himself on Levi, I squeezed my eyes before glancing at the three boys. But there was no fighting – no hands flying, no angry expressions, nothing. Even the sound hid in the corner and left us fall into an awkward silence. I squeezed my eyes again, thinking the hit made me black out. Exhaling once again with a lot of pain, I bent down, trying to relax my mind and soul.
I'm a freaking wrestler for Christ sake! I can handle a punch!
I suddenly felt someone's hands hug me under my arms and I flickered my eyelashes, surprised to see Jean's pale face next to mine. He looked a lot worse, handling the punch, but the worry was written all over his face - as if worrying about me was more painful than the punch itself. And it was quite possible – even I was more shocked about Levi actually punching me than groaning in the endless pain. I was used to it for two months now, but I sure wasn't used to Levi hitting people, even if it wasn't on purpose.
But he wanted to hit Jean – on purpose.
Moving Jean and me upwards like two crippled old men, I decided to send a look into Levi's direction. And as I caught a glimpse of his eyes, I was surprised to see his rage flushed from his face. In fact, he looked the same as Jean – pale, eyes widened, letting confused looks travel from his shaking arm to me.
He was slowly realizing, what he had just done. And I knew, it will send him of the edge.
Searching for Eren, I found him standing beside me once again, and now all eyes were focused on Levi. Eren's were boiling, but he said nothing, Jean's were widened with surprise as my just clouded in tears.
The chance – it slipped through my fingers like crystal water.
I'll never share a proper word with Levi again - I won't touch him, kiss him, smile at him, hug him... I won't do a god damn shit and there was no use to hide my vulnerability from him the last time we look at each other.
And I caught him see it – I saw in his eyes the blue fields as tears finally ran down my cheeks.
Tears of sadness, since I'm looking at him for the last time and he doesn't even know.
My blue-eyed raven doesn't even know I'm leaving him.
Gasping, I balanced myself on Eren and surprisingly he got my message. Turning, he helped me once again walk to the car, with Jean gripping my shoulder, while Levi did nothing to stop us. He didn't dare to run for me. He didn't even dare to call my name.
He just let me go.
So I made the last turn – looking around, I forced Jean and Eren to stop for the final time. Seeing Levi tense up and preparing for any words to leave my mouth made the pain of leaving even harder. But I still did it. Cracking a little smile, I slowly made a few steps back, so I was closer to him, forgetting my friends for a second. With every shaking step, I forced even more tears and memories to fall on the ground – every single memory of happiness we shared crossed my mind at the same time our gazes locked for the last time. Seeing him up close, I could now remember the other side of him – his breakable skin, fragile soul, and the softness he actually carries with his heart, the warmth of his hand as he touches me. Everything was now captured in the moment – the two figures in the dark, starring at each other, knowing their affections will always be labelled as unrequited. And in that bitter-sweet moment, when my mind finally realized all of this, my mind forced to say the last words:
''We'll talk again soon.''
The biggest lie for last words – nothing even close to what I had in mind.
The one thing I really wanted to echo through the air was the sweet sound of: I love you, my blue-eyed raven. And with that feeling curving my last breath out of me, I walked away.
I walked away from the blue-eyed raven without saying a proper goodbye.
--
Well hello!
Damn you guys are probably pissed at me... but that's okay.
firstly, I make you wait for a whole week, and then I dare it end dramatically and again – so typical – on a cliff-hanger :D so my excuse is that I wasn't at home last weekend and this week was just od for me – I was always sleepy and I was just struggling to make this chapter good for yaa :)
At least it was a long one.
I promise there will be a few chapters till the proper end this story deserves – so don't you give up one me :) because we'll see each other a few times again, before letting this finally end.