my story i wrote for la

Untitled Part 1

On the outside i'm smiling but on the inside i'm crying yet you don't notice.I hide everything because you don't really care you're not really here for me. I learned to live with the pain but i'm just tired now. Yes i'm alive, but i'm barely breathing. Yes i'm alive, but barely living. My real tears are hidden behind this fake happiness, a broken heart behind a wall. My real pain is locked way. I smile to mask the pain in my heart. I laugh to hide the tears in my eyes. The bravest thing i've ever done is continue my life even when I wanted to die. Here I am now just barely alive. My blade is calling my name, I sigh and give in one little cut won't hurt right? but one turns to ten and ten to twenty. My thighs are cut and scarred I can't risk you cutting my wrists because I don't want you to see how broken I truly am. I would tell you but what's the point when i'm already dead inside. I always feel broken around you but that's cool i'm used to it. Sometimes I wish I could break down in your arms and let you tell me everything will be okay but I know everything isn't okay.I want to tell you so much but I don't know how to say it. I'm used to all the pain I have I can finally say "i'm used to it." I keep it all on the inside cause I dont wanna get hurt anymore, i'm tired of it. When i say go away please stay with me i don't really mean it. i say i'm better what i really mean to say is i've never been this bad. i'm getting worse and you don't even notice...how can you not see i'm not the girl i used to be now. I'm sorry i'm not what you wanted, i'm sorry i'm useless, i'm sorry i'm not okay. Another cut, another tear, another reminder you're not here. I thought i was stronger then this but i guess i'm not.