"Mika, please no, no, no tell me you're just confused and nervous or sad for him just please don't do this. Babe please."
Kiefer is back hugging me. His hug were tight and I can feel the rising and falling of his chest coupled with deep and heavy breathing. I'm closing my eyes as tears escaped and sobs were felt as my shoulders is shaking. Emotion is real high.
"Kief, just three days, I want to think straight, without you without everybody, it may sound weird but, it just came naturally last night, yung takot, bigat ng damdamin, lahat lahat bumalik like a nightmare you're right I'm confused too added the guilt feeling for Joshua, I need to think straight, I need yes space, I'm sorry."
I felt his hug loosened and I heard him sigh. I felt he took a few steps away. My hand was automatically transferred to my mouth as I tried to cover my shock for I heard the smashing sound of the vase as it hit the wall. Slowly I faced him, and I saw Kiefer facing the window, hand on his nape and the other one on his waist. I remained glued on my position. Rubbing my palms, wanted to hug him and say sorry. But what's been said cannot be retrieve.
"I'm sorry about that."
He managed to say still massaging his nape.
I wanted to hear myself in silence.
I wanted to just hide in my sanctuary.
All happened so fast.
Like before.
Unexpectedly.
And I'm afraid to get hurt.
Deja Vu.
"Miks, ginawa ko naman lahat right? I faced everybody, I talked to everyone, ok not everyone but I'm trying!!! I'm getting there! We are getting there! Ok naman lahat e! Wala namang naging problema, pero bakit bigla ka nag preno? I'm sorry for the fear and confusion Mika, alam ko it's hard for you because of what happened to us years ago, and you know how sorry I am! I've paid my dues, I've suffered more than enough for Pete's sake! At ngayon after what happened, sasabihin mo you need space?! At yung Joshua na yan why can't you just get rid of him?!"
Kiefer is now in front of me my hands covering my mouth I can't stop my sobs. I heard him sigh again and my gaze is trailing him as he slumped his body on the couch. So disappointed and hurt. He then lift his face and his gaze met mine. I then slowly motioned my way to him and kneeled in front, my hands cupping his face. He then hold my hand and we just remained silently staring at each other. I bit my lip before talking.
"Alam ko, wala ka naman ginawa dahil lahat nagawa mo na. And I'm so happy na nagawa mo na akong panindigan. Thank you. It's just that pagbigyan mo muna ako sa tatlong araw Kief, mag isip, huminga, maging ako, and as much as I wanted to get rid of Josh I just can't, sa gusto mo o hindi he will and is a part of me, he was there when everything was so messy. He helped me put back the pieces Kief, that guy will always be special."
I heard him sigh again and took my hands on his cheeks, he gripped it tighter and hugs it caressing it with his face. Then bowed down looking at me while still holding both of my hands on his chest.
"Na ako dapat gumawa right? Na ako dapat nandun, pero dahil gago ako iba pumuno."
Then kissed the back of my hand now he is playing with my palm. I'm still sitting on the floor looking up at him.
"Pero ako naman mahal mo di ba Mika? Alam mo bang nakakatakot bitawan itong mga kamay mo? Kasi alam ko anytime marami at ang daming gustong humawak nito e. Pero dahil mahal kita I will let you do what you want, but it doesn't mean I'm letting you go. Because it will never happen. Never again. Ang sakit pala hingan ng space noh? Nakakapraning. Nakaka low ng self esteem. I'm so sorry for letting you feel that babe."
Then he leaned his forehead to mine hugged me and locked me in between his legs. I'm rubbing his back. As I'm wiping my own tears. Feeling the hurt he is feeling right now. The King Eagle is crying.
"Babe, tell me you didn't regret the total surrender right? Please Mika tell me you wanted it too, baby please please please."
I heard him whispered to my ear almost pleading. He then cupped my face and looked me straight into my eyes. I held his hands and shook my head. And smiled at him.
"Never it was pure bliss Kief, only with you."
He stand up and offered his hand I took it and we're now standing facing each other. He smiled at me and gave me a kiss. Again lost in the moment.
Ethereal.
"I love you so much baby, three days. I'll see you after three days here. No other way around but here. I'm expecting you to come back. Please Mika hindi ko na alam pag naghiwalay ulit tayo, I'm trying to understand you here but please give me my assurance."
Kiefer hugged me tight again, kissing my hair. Rubbing my back.
"This love will always be your assurance Kief, and thank you for understanding me and my personal dilemma oo tatlong araw lang po."
I left our condo building and went straight to Anilao Batangas. It was a last minute booking at Eagle Point resort. Long drive away from the metro, from everything, to everyone and yes from Kiefer.
I admit the last talk with my girls did confused me. A lot. They raised points, highlighted events, many what if's and scenarios. They made me realized things. They made me think twice.
Yes, he love me enough to drastically change his life. I love him enough to abruptly changed mine too. We two compromised and changed what's going to be scrapped out. We worked our way, and eventually we are getting there. I tapped the steering wheel still mindful of my safety, but still thoughts came pouring in.
Maybe our path is directed to events synonymously to things that's happening unexpectedly. That even though it's rushed but still in perfect sync. In line with the rhythm. In love with the melodies of love that never went away. We're at the moment redefining a lost love gone meaningless but with so much impact.
Our heart beats as one.
Our feelings flows flawlessly.
But is it enough to still stay?
After a long drive partnered with thoughts I arrived at Anilao and proceeded immediately to my room. It's facing the gorgeous shoreline and inviting sea. While adoring the vast nature around me I dialed Mama's number. She alongside with Papa are the only person who know my whereabouts. After the call I opened my veranda and just feeling the cool winds caressing my face. The salty air calms my being and I'm just inhaling the silence and stillness of the moment.
BGC
I'm tossing on my bed thinking where in the world is Mika right now. Funny is everyone knows I went to Boracay during our fall out two years back. Partied hard and consciously forgetting what I left behind that time in Manila. What I felt now she felt it too that time, and I felt like a total jerk realizing what the fuck I did let her feel. I contacted almost everyone and they didn't know where she is obviously. I won't follow her as promised but I just wanted to know her whereabouts. I'm so concerned and protective to Mika since then, more so now that what we had and what we will be having is something so special.
@tinotapos BGC with my Bhies and Lings just #peoplesurfing 😜
Timing. Perfect moment. I went out straight to my unit after receiving a text from Tin where exactly they were. As promised to Mika I'll talk to them.
"Look who's here! The Phenom!"
Kim called me and we did a high five.
Based on their reactions it's only Kim and Tin who spoke to me and is welcoming. Nice, Dom, Jessey and Bianca were all silent. Except for Bianca and Jessey who at least managed to smile at me.
"What you want? My call"
Tin gestured to the waiter and ordered greyhound for me. Silence engulfed the atmosphere I don't know where to start. When the drink arrived I sipped a little massaged my temple and started to talk.
"Guys, I miss you! Ahhh sorry ha, Ahhh nadisappoint ko kayo si Mika, you felt her pain and saw her struggle in moving on. Pasensiya na talaga I know it won't change a thing but still I'm so sorry. And now that slowly were working it out, hope my second chance offer with you guys stands still."
"Siguraduhin mo lang Kief, not all second chances equals to happily ever after, it was dreadful for us watching Mika going through that painful process, e dahil true friends kami, we embraced her idea of being the better persons, although we killed you and your friends at the back of our minds."
Nice said then smoked her cigarette.
"Reminder, she's out of town and knowing how Mika's mind works baka magulat ka lang although kami hindi na kung bigla na lang mag fly away ulit ng walang paalam at seryoso ha, mas nagulat nga kami nung sabihin ni Bhie na "you're working things out."
Dom said while coating the word, gesturing in the air. While Bianca, Kim, Jessey and Tin were just silent. I heard Jessey cleared her throat.
"But in behalf of everybody we still accept your apology, to all the NASTY things you did to our friend, what's good and what's right about this is nobody is involve, and you've set your priorities straight. Sana lang this time it will work for the better for the both of you to be completely happy. You may never have everybody's approval but whoever makes Mika happy back up kami."
Jessey smiled at me. I missed Jessey she always reminds me of Mika reserve and classy.
"And who are we to stop the both of you? Our hurt doesn't equal the hurt Mika felt, kung halos masakit for us ang nangyari, how much more siya? So kung yung saya namin e "medyo" lang na here you are again, mas pipiliin naman namin yung "grabeng saya" ni Miks."
I'm tapping the table hearing Nice and Dom's chuckle after Bianca spoke to me.
"Sana lang after her muni muni she will come back with that mindset same as to yours Kief, real talk we all know what that trip is about its all about weighing things and clearing her mind, I know you know Mika, she makes decision base on what she feels at the moment."
I heard Tin sigh. It is a pure torture thinking she's confused and it's killing me what if she will think thoughts not same as mine? What if she realized it was just a spur of the moment? That her love is not enough to still stay? But she said she loves me. It's my complete alliance and assurance.
"I know, kaya nga ayaw ko sana umalis yun e, pero ayaw ko naman isipin niya na ayaw ko siyang mag isip baka mag decide right there and then na iwan ako at mapatalon ako sa 18th floor."
At last I saw them smile. The Lings, the Bhies and her BF. The company I missed.
"E di condolence."
I saw Jessey poked Nice.
"Phenom warmer shop ha, pictorial tayo dial me if available ka, may jacket kami e bagong design and bagong labas."
I motioned a thumbs up for Jessey.
"Ayan tayo e, kukunin palang model kaya nagbago ang hangin for sure Kief thank you ka lang walang TF."
Kim told Jessey right straight on her face that made Jessey frown.
"Of course business never stops."
And right there and then the iceberg between us was like an avalanche, and like before we drank and laughed the night away, not intoxicated but full of stories.
It's now day two of missing my Mika. I woke up at 10am and prepared stuffs for my 4pm practice later. I can't wait for Mika to come home and tell her that all is ironed out between me and her closest girls. Can't wait to tell her I missed her fried rice and adobo flakes in the morning, and just seeing her beautiful smile. I sighed and just shrugged off the feeling remembering what more of it will I endure if she will go back to the States next week.
As I'm about to enter Ronac, I saw Joshua making his way out. He didn't see me at first because he is busy checking his phone. When he lifted his gaze it met mine. He raised his eyebrows and nod at me acknowledging my presence.
"Bro!" And tapped my shoulders
"Uy Josh!" And tapped him back. So glad by his "friendly" gesture. We may never be close for him to act such.
We passed by each other after the short exchange of pleasantries. I was about to push the door when I heard he called me.
"Kief, you bro will have a practice agad agad?"
I stopped and looked back at him.
"May 2 hours pa akong spare, mag shooting lang ako sa loob."
I answered him.
"Kita na lang tayo sa court Kief susunod ako, I'll just send this stuffs in the car."
I smiled and nod at him.
I was busy dribbling the ball when he stole it to me. Dribbled and shoot it for a quick lay up. He then sat on his side of the court. And I sat on my side. We were both panting still elbows on our knees cooling off.
"Steal yun, pero two or more steps without dribbling, traveling naman yan ka you turned it over."
We both laughed. Still heavy panting, as we catch our breaths. I saw him straightened his legs and supported his body as his hands is on his back.
"Kaya nga e akala ko score na na turn over pa, sayang."
Then silence covered the entire court, exclusively hearing our silent thoughts and crazy hearts.
"Josh to be honest, I'm still in love with Mika, and I find it so uncomfortable seeing her that close to you, you may not know it but we're talking again and this time I'm pursuing her again."
I looked at Josh who's just staring at the floor. I saw him smile. Then looked at me.
"I know she told me, and it's clear in her eyes how happy she is and at peace. Mika's so in the moment and it makes me sick seeing her that because I'm afraid she might get hurt by the same guy again."
He smiled thinly. And took a deep breath.
"She did? When? So the feeling is mutual bro, we're sick seeing each other. And about hurting her again, nasaktan ko nga siya. I told her I'm sorry I know di yun basta basta but I'm making it all up now, yes still by the same guy whom you told is making her smile and at peace."
That's all I can manage to ask and say. Mika never fails to surprise me always. All along I thought she's carrying the burden of having Joshua around. Now I understand why she told me she can't just get rid of him. They did talk. But still I needed this talk to the man I thought all along after all this time is my greatest threat.
"Yes, even-though it pains me to think that my chance escalated from highest to the lowest. And as much as I wanted to punch and hate you for ruining my chance with her, I just can't. Because her smile was worth it all,ikaw lang naman happiness nun e, walang iba, kaya alam mo ba na ang swerte mo to be love and be loved by Mika? Yung pangarap ng iba, ikaw abot kamay mo na, kaya sana this time bro, make it worth the struggle, she'd been through a lot but iba pa din pag ikaw yung nandiyan masyadong malakas ka talaga idol."
Then he threw the ball to me. We stood up and continued playing. This time pure fun. Angst gone.
"Just take care of Mika Kief, just so you know I'm always here on standby. See you at the court doon na lang ako babawi."
Then tapped me on my back and greeted my teammates who have just arrived.
ANILAO
Tomorrow I'll be facing the real world again. Two days of soul searching did helped me a lot. I wanted to call Kiefer, I'm itching to dial his number. I miss my baby so much but three days is three days.
"Mama, naka pag isip na po ako."
Mama on the other line is not saying a word, it's my cue to continue.
"Handa na po talaga ako totally ma, na sumu-ong ulit sa mala tsunaming buhay pag-ibig with Kiefer mama."
I heard mama sigh.
"Basa ko naman sa'yo pag si Kiefer potch, kahit di ka ready nagiging Girl Scout ka e, takot din naman ako na masaktan ka muli, ang akin lang naman kung saan ka masaya, alam ko nakakatakot ulit sumubok, pero masarap sa pakiramdam pag totoo sa sarili."
I smiled hearing that from mama. Her words were my vindication that my decision for welcoming him back is right. I can't wait to drive back to Manila tomorrow. I think and ponder hard while here. I weighed all the possibilities and probabilities. I dug deep and analyze things.
And at every setting of the sun, so were my hesitation for him vanished.
And at every sunrise goes my hope that everything is falling into place.
I woke up feeling somebody is hugging me from behind. As my eyes reached its full opening, I saw the time 7pm nap gone long. As I reach for the hand, I don't need to see who's here lying comfortably behind me. She came back. She's here. I smiled as I slowly transferred her head on my chest. The smell of her hair is intoxicating. I hug her tight mindful not to wake her up. And now I'm just staring at her face. I miss you baby ko. Then kiss her lightly on the lips.
I woke up looking down at my chest I saw my man sleeping comfortably I smiled as I'm playing with his hair, the man I thought all along will be forever my what if. I felt him move and as he slowly raised his head my smile is waiting for him.
"Goodmorning babe"
I said as my two hands rested just below my head. Like a boss.
"You're awake there you go my baby, ang ganda naman ng umaga talaga good morning!"
And he's making his way up and now kissing all the spots until he reached my face. I'm all under him. I transferred my hands on his chest. He nuzzled my face with his nose and now his mouth meets mine. I snaked my arms around his nape and pulled him closer for a more intimate kiss. We can't get enough of each other as my legs is wrapped on his waist. We broke the kiss as my stomach made a gurgling sound.
"Morning fresh from bed and morning breaths kisses with you baby, is the absolute best, panira lang yung tiyan mo e as always miss you so much Miks."
Mika smiled and tapped my chest we're still in the same position. And pouted her lips.
"E sa nagugutom daw siya babe,although nakaka busog naman yung kiss mo para na akong nag Vikings. Annnnnd I miss you too Kief."
I smashed my lips to her as I heard her say those. We forgot her hungry stomach because we fed our hungry souls yearning for each other. And as were naked below the sheet, I'm still on top of her combing her hair she's playing with my lips.
Covered in comfortable silence.
Sheltered in love.
Staring with passion.
"Alam mo ba ang saya saya ko? Three days is a torture, miss na miss kita baby. Miss na miss.Marami na akong nakausap as promised. Saan ka ba pumunta? Mika I love you."
Then kissed me on my forehead, and hugged me tighter.
"Three days without you was an agony too babe, miss na miss na miss din kita. Yeah they texted me the Lings and Bhies and JZ. Even Josh. Thanks babe. I went to Anilao dun ako nag isip only sila mama and papa ang may alam."
I said while running my fingers on his bare back as he's nuzzling my neck using his lips.
"Ano napag-isipin mo? Na final na? Let's go make a family na?"
He said then transferred on my left neck. I'm kissing his hair.
"Na I'm 100% taking the plunge. So all of the above yung sagot ko yes na yes. Pero siyempre unti-unti tayo. This time slowly but surely."
He stopped what he is doing and now giving me feathery kisses on my face.
"Mika Aereen I love you, will you marry me? Oh? what's with the face langga?This is not the actual proposal babe chill! This is just the initial proposal yung I wanna hear your answer eventhough alam ko naman it's a yes."
He said while massaging my creased forehead, wiggling his eyebrows and giving me a quick kiss after. Confidence level high as the sky! Then he's back on his favorite spot my neck. I felt him smile there. I tapped his back lightly and he leaned his forehead to mine. He's still smiling.
"Anong pauso yan? Di na ako masusurpise niyan baby pag tinanong mo na ako, pero siyempre Yes yan! Ikaw ba will you marry me? Baby ko? Huh? Huh?"
Then I pinched both his cheeks giving him quick pecks.
"Bitin naman wag ganun babe. Kiss pa please."
Reklamo niya. And hugged me tighter rolling me now I'm atop him. I'm drawing lines on his cheeks. He's tracing my eyebrows.
"Ang ganda ganda mo talaga, I love you very much baby and yes of course I will marry you. Ikaw lang magiging mama ng magaganda at guwapong future babies ko. Loving you and being with you is enough reason to stay. My palangga forever. Pero may tanong muna ako game ka? 15+3 equals?"
Mika put her thumb inside her mouth as if thinking. Her body comfortably leaning on my chest. Sexy my baby.
"18 baby why?"
Then leaned her face close to mine while pouting her lips. Tempting.
"18 minutes mo daw ako ikikiss"
He said then kissed me on the lips. Sore eyes hindi uso sa amin, sore lips? Ahhhhh yes!
I'm looking at my beautiful destiny she's applying lotion she's fresh from the bathroom. I'm just on the bed staring at her.
"You said staring is rude maligo ka na babe!."
Then threw me her towel.
"I'm exception to the rule baby, ayoko nga! I love your smell on my skin babe."
I heard her hissed. I just smiled and continue staring at her. I will never get tired.
Mika Aereen.
My unexpected beginning.
My beautiful ending.
The in between? Is just a story to tell.
We all lose our way at least once.
Life is testing to see who can find their way back.
~anonymous~