The next few days I spent at Harry's flat. When I first thought we may have been moving quickly the second attempt at our relationship I stopped to think about everything deeply. It may have only been a week we had separated for, but it truthfully felt like one of the longest weeks I've ever had. It hurt not being able to see Harry whilst my own home life was going into complete and utter turmoil. I had tried to get through to my mum but she either wasn't listening or she just didn't want to stop and was ignoring me. As horrible as it was though, I honestly think it was the latter.
I know exactly where she is coming from of course reasoning wise, but it was still no excuse. People were beginning to notice it because anyone who walked into the house could smell the booze. At least the girls had all decided to spend a couple of weeks with our stepdad so they weren't aware of how bad it had gotten. The oldest two obviously know that the alcohol problem was spiralling completely out of control but the twins aren't stupid. They may only be nine years old but they know that something is a bit off. At least I know that I have someone who semi understands everything.
I was obviously incredibly grateful of everything my mum had done for me, but I still couldn't deny the hurt I felt when she was pushing me away. That feeling of hurt though I knew could be a hell of a lot worse. Harry was the perfect example of this. Yes, the roles were switched but it was more saddening for him. Harry couldn't get himself to open up to his own family apart from his brother after being abused in such truly vile ways. When Marcel died, he pushed everyone away and was then diagnosed as clinically depressed. It obviously hurt his mum and his sister a lot that he wouldn't let either of them in to his thoughts. He regrets it, and he cannot tell them because they are both buried six feet under. I think this was the reason why I wasn't as angry with her as I should be.
"Are you ok?"
I spun around in my spot to see Harry giving me a weary look. He wasn't stupid though, he knew fine well what I was thinking about. I just shook my head in the negative because I'm not ok. Had it really only been five days since I had gotten back together with Harry? I hadn't even told anyone we were back together yet because I know that it will be wrong for me to tell people of Harry's past. It is something he would need to tell people himself. I don't even know much about this whole filming thing. Was it going to be a full on film explaining everything or was it going to be a documentary?
He didn't ask any more questions but he did sit down next to me and gently squeeze my hand in reassurance. I turned to look at his face and gave him a weak smile. I know if I told people that we were back together they would think I forgave him too easily. I honestly think that if I wasn't going through my own home problems currently, I wouldn't have been able to see it from his point of view and I would have told him to leave and not come back. It may have only been a few days but we now had this mental connection between us and I think it can only get better from here. He rubbed my shoulder softly and said barely above a whisper;
"It will get better, love. It may not seem it, but it will. Just don't give up and push everyone away because you will severely regret doing that."
I glanced at him again and I saw that his lips were tightened in a thin line. I know he doesn't like talking about what happened to him but we now have more morbid things in common with one another and it was hard to not compare our lives. I furrowed my brows when I realised something else- Harry's slightly odd behaviour on my birthday. I had caught him giving my youngest sisters a strange look and not too long after he said that he got a bit overwhelmed. I froze in realisation. My youngest sisters are identical twins, and Harry is (was?) an identical twin. It must have been hard for him to look at the two of them and not think of his own deceased brother. I didn't think for very long because I felt Harry's fingers rest underneath my chin and I didn't hesitate to turn my face to let our lips connect. We didn't even try to pull away, allowing the tender touch of the soft skin to explore one another.
We mixed up our pace- starting slow, then moving faster and moving slow once again. He pulled away to take a deep breath and I seized my chance to softly slide my tongue into his mouth- causing him to moan gingerly. A small shiver shuddered through me at the sound as he manoeuvred his tongue to meet mine to battle for dominance. I felt his lips upturn at the sides in a grin when my own joined his again. I let out a short hum of appreciation whilst moving my hand up to the back of his head to tangle my fingers into his wild hair. He grunted softly at the action before leaning back ever so slightly so I was on top of him.
We stayed in the same position for a few minutes before I hesitantly slipped my hand up his shirt to feel his bare chest underneath and his slight muscles. I pulled away to look at his face to silently ask for permission. He bit his lip and nodded softly. I took my time unbuttoning his shirt, not even sure if I wanted to see underneath because he obviously had bruises from all of the bullying he was subjecting himself to in order to raise awareness of the after effects. I think he realised why I was so hesitant because he unbuttoned the last few and slid his shirt off.
I actually felt like crying at what I saw. I knew there were going to be quite a few but I wasn't expecting them to quite literally cover his entire torso. I could only see a couple of areas of his milky white skin and I really don't know how to feel about it. I am very proud of him obviously but that doesn't change the sickening feeling I have in the bottom of my stomach. I should have expected it to be bad, but for some reason the thought just never settled right in my head.
"Oh, Harry."
I barely whispered it as my fingers trailed over all the bruised skin. I caught sight of his many tattoos but I couldn't even focus on them to see what they were. He took a deep breath before quietly muttering;
"I blamed myself for so long for what happened Louis, I felt like I needed to be punished in some way. It's fucked up, I know but it was how I felt for all these years that I've kept this to myself for."
I heard his slight sniffle which caused me to snap my head up and look at him in the eye. He averted his gaze but I caught hold of his chin and turned his head to face me again. He was biting his lip tightly and a few silent tears fell down his cheeks. I genuinely wasn't sure what to do in this situation because this is new to me still so I just simply ran my fingers tenderly over his skin. I let out a short gasp when he gently nibbled on my bottom lip which only caused us to lean in for another deep kiss. I continued to run my fingertips over the discoloured skin, being careful not to apply pressure because I didn't want to hurt him. It was messed up how he thought about everything though; at least he knew it though. It wasn't his fault that Marcel pushed him away probably when they needed each other the most. It isn't Harry's fault that Marcel ended it the way he did.
For the next hour we both sat in a spooning position, Harry still topless whilst I softly caressed his bare chest. I had finally managed to force myself to see underneath or on top of the bruises to see his numerous tattoos. I knew he had a lot already- but I really didn't think he had as much as he did. He told me he was working on a sleeve for his left arm but he wanted to keep his right relatively bare. I felt sad when he explained the reasoning for this though.
"My brother and I said when we were younger that we would get sleeve tattoos which would be filled with little memories that we didn't want to forget. We were going to get them on opposite arms so that when we stood next to each other we were like mirror images in a sense."
The dedication of that was honestly a beautiful thing. There is no other word to describe it. I had long since shed my own top and Harry's warm back was pressed against my front whilst I hugged him from behind. I didn't want to move from this position. I didn't really want to move despite the fact that I was beginning to get a serious cramp in my leg which I know is going to irritate me any second. I shuffled a little but almost instantly regretted it when pain shot up the limb in question. I heard Harry chuckle lightly beside me and I seized my chance to start tickling him all over in revenge for laughing at my pain. Within seconds he was laughing hysterically and I couldn't help but laugh with him.
We only stopped when we both rolled over and fell off of the couch we were previously cuddling on. He looked up at me with watery eyes and his dimples were indented insanely deep into his cheeks. My own face was beginning to ache from laughing and smiling so much- it felt so good to do so considering the last few days have been pretty shit. I had only gone home once but I left not long after once I noticed my mum was passed out on the floor. I had moved her into the recovery position so it would be impossible for her to choke on her own vomit and I was silently glad that the girls were staying at our dads for another week. I shook my head lightly to rid myself of my thoughts but I didn't need to because Harry had already leaned over to kiss me again.
He had been recording the last few days quite often but I had tagged along with him. I would be lying to myself though if I said I understood half of the multiple different areas which need to be finished to complete a song. I always thought beforehand that you would just have to sing the song and produce the music. It turns out there is a heck of a lot more to it. Backing vocals, layered vocals, echoing vocals, production, mixing and I don't even know what else because by this point I had completely zoned out. Only once had Harry shut himself away in his small studio in his flat but he had come out about an hour later with three new songs. It did baffle me how quickly the guy can come up with lyrics. He had told me that he never spends more than two hours on the one song as far as lyrics are concerned.
I accepted Harry's kiss obviously but this time I wasn't letting him dominate me despite him being nearly four inches taller than I. I was a bit disappointed when he just accepted it and leaned back onto the carpet to let me lean over him. We were in a rather questionable position but I quite honestly didn't and couldn't give a single fuck. I moved my head slightly to sponge soft kisses against his jawline, causing him to let out a long pleasured moan. I smiled lightly before applying pressure on his sweet spot and I could hear him panting underneath me. I let out a sharp breath at a pressure hitting my stomach; I already knew that Harry was getting rather worked up. With this thought I moved away because I didn't want to push him or move too quickly but he grabbed my face and whispered softly;
"Please make me feel good, Lou."
Just the way he said that turned me on majorly and I think it was rather noticeable because I could feel the restraints of my jeans from the very tight fabric. I was a bit nervous because for one I hadn't been in an intimate relationship for nearly two years and Harry never had- well not of his own accord. I shivered simply at the thought of what had happened to my boyfriend at such a young age. We were both still topless from earlier so the only thing that was separating us was our skinny jeans. I looked at Harry for a silent confirmation that he was alright with this and from the tiny nod he gave me was all I needed. My hands shook a little out of nerves whilst I unbuttoned the tight black fabric and pulled the zip down. I could already see his noticeable bulge in his slightly exposed boxers which caused me to gulp loudly. Today was the first time I had ever seen Harry topless yet now we were going to be seeing each other completely naked.
I gulped lightly and pulled his jeans down, him shimmying slightly so that they would slide off easier. My eyes trailed up his very long slender legs, taking in the tiny muscles there and I was surprised that he had no tattoos littering the skin. He had a quote on the front of his ankle and what looked like screws on his feet but I wasn't paying too much attention to the needle driven ink. I brushed my fingers gently over the soft skin and I could feel Harry's large hands loosen my own jeans. I wasn't too self-conscious about being naked in front of him because he already has seen me- even if that was from an extremely awkward shower situation. I chuckled at the rather funny memory that occurred when we were still only friends and not a couple. I could feel how hard he was against my chest when he rolled onto his side to look me in the face. I took hold of his cheek and asked;
"Are you sure?"
He nodded lightly which was all I needed to move on. I leaned in to allow our lips to join once more whilst I very slowly trailed my hand down his chest between his slightly pronounced abs. We both took a deep breath of anticipation before I placed my hand over his pronounced groin. He gasped loud at the contact even though there was still a thin layer of cloth creating a barrier between us. I didn't want to rush it; I would much rather it be really special. I rubbed lightly and I felt him grow harder under my touch, my own body reacting to the movement. After a couple of minutes of gentle strokes, I slowly dipped my fingers into the waistband of his boxers causing his breath to hitch in his throat.
I let out a shaky breath when I felt my fingertips brush gingerly over the very swollen area. I was shocked at just how large he was; I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this. I softly let my palm envelop him whilst we continued to snog even though we were now moving rather sloppily with each other. I froze when I felt Harry repeat my actions against me, my heartbeat now at an insanely quick pace. We were pressed chest to chest and I could feel his heart hammering away inside the contained space of his rib cage. At least I'm not alone then. I wasn't sure if he was nervous or if he was just really excited- maybe he was a bit of both. I had to keep reminding myself that this is Harry's first real intimate moment he has shared with someone despite him being nineteen.
I smiled against his lips and opened up more to allow him to slip his tongue into my mouth. I continued to softly stroke my fingertips against his hard cock and he followed my movements. Each time his fingers ran up me, a small shiver wracked through my body. I rolled him over onto his back now and pulled away from the kiss and gave him a look again, silently asking him if he wants to stop or continue. Once again he nodded and I slowly removed his boxers so that I could free his length which almost immediately slapped against my stomach. A thin sheen of sweat was covering both of our bodies now and Harry's face was a little bit red- not to mention the fact his lips were swelling up from all of our kissing.
Once I had completely removed the thin fabric I slowly gripped his base and ran my hand up to the very tip. His hips jutted up slightly in response which was enough to tell me he was enjoying this. I could feel his fingers still toying with me so I removed my own boxers. We still didn't break eye contact, his electric green eyes staring deep into my soul as we pleased one another. Harry was more inexperienced in the whole thing but I was more than happy to be patient with him as we slowly wrecked each other. I tightened my grip ever so slightly which caused him to gasp and lull his head back as a long moan escaped his parted lips. I shut my eyes at the feeling of Harry's hand working me in a similar fashion.
We were taking it very slow with one another but I was actually pleased because truthfully I don't want him to stop touching me any time soon. My stomach was beginning to knot uncomfortably so I pulled my body away from Harry. He pouted a little at the loss of contact but he seemed to understand why I pulled away.
I continued to stare directly at him to make sure that he really was ok with us doing this. As much as I want to do something other than kissing, I was not going to push him. He needs to be completely comfortable because otherwise it is not going to end well in the slightest. I'd much rather this go organically and just completely natural, not forced in any way. Even if it isn't forced because he is asking me to do something else. Soft moans were falling from his lips and his eyes were occasionally rolling back which told me that he was perfectly fine with all of this. Despite knowing this, the lingering fear of accidentally doing something that might cause him to revert back. I don't want to be back at square one with Harry and trying to get him to trust and open up to me again.
I shook my head side to side because I didn't want to think about all of that- especially not at this moment. Harry opened his eyes now and stared up at me, a small smile playing on his lips. I knew that he was waiting on me to make the next move but I was still debating silently with myself over everything. He seemed to realise why I was hesitant and he gently squeezed my wrist in reassurance. I wasn't even aware of when he had removed his own hand from me. He frowned a little bit but I eventually gulped deeply and leaned down to kiss him deeply for a few seconds.
I pulled away after and just stared deep into that deep forest green shade, silently searching for any resistance on Harry behalf. When I was confident to there being none at all, I squeezed his wrist gently as well to let him know. Nerves were rushing through my veins at a seemingly impossible rate but strangely enough they were good nerves. Any time I've gotten nervous ever since I've known Harry it was over something horrendous but now things had changed. All secrets had been spilled between us and now there was nothing for us to seemingly walk over eggshells about. Of course I couldn't just openly speak about certain things with him but that is fine by me, I'm sure there are things he doesn't want to openly speak about either concerning me.
My heart was pounding in my chest and I decided to slowly ease him into it. So once again I gently gripped a hold of the base and run my palm slowly until I reached the tip and letting the pad of my thumb massage the area softly. Harry let out another soft moan and his hips began to move in sync with my palm once more which told me that he was definitely enjoying this. Coming to this realisation was what I needed in this second because soon the nerves had seemingly melted into thin air and nothing but confidence was going through my mind.
I quickened up my pace and a slightly louder moan fell from his lips now. I smiled a little bit at the way that he was reacting to my movements. Once I reached the tip again, I let my thumb run along the slit just slightly which was beaded with precum. I added a small amount of pressure to the area and I knew that he liked this as his hips jerked a little harder than they had previously. A triumphant smile overcame me as I knew that I had him completely at my mercy, wrapped tightly around my finger and he wasn't unravelling any time soon.
I continued my movements with my hand for a couple of more minutes and somewhere along this time span, my lips had attached to his once more. Harry had wasted absolutely no time in sliding his tongue passed my lips and battling me for dominance. This time, I let him win and my free hand had nestled into his hair and tugging on the chocolate strands lightly. He groaned a bit more in pleasure and I knew that he was annoyed when I pulled away. I shimmied down a couple of feet and he seemed to understand what I was going to do next.
I stared at him deep in his eyes in search for any resistance. I could tell that he was extremely nervous but he was ready to take our relationship to a more intimate level. It's going to be a while before we can ease ourselves into a sexual relationship but that is perfectly understandable what with everything Harry has had to go through. I would happily wait until he was definitely ready. I continued in looking for any kind of rejection from Harry but he eventually just nodded to let me know that he really did want this and didn't just want to do this because he felt pressured into it.
At first, I pressed a gently kiss to the tip and waited for any kind of negative reaction from him. When there was none at all, I gently let my lips engulf the small area. Harry's breath hitched in his throat at the contact and I noticed that his breathing was ragged and his soft moans had dropped a few octaves. I worked slowly, taking a little bit at a time. This was for the both of us though. It had been a long while since I had last done anything even remotely intimate with someone and Harry has never had an intimate relationship before. We were both a little scared for obvious reasons but it just felt natural.
I didn't use my tongue so much in the beginning because I wanted to ease him into it slowly instead of just forcing it all on him. I don't want to freak him out at all and if that meant working very slow then I would accept it. Luckily, Harry seemed to get used to the feeling very easily and I soon felt his hips softly bucking up ever so slightly which told me he wanted me to move a bit faster. With the given permission, once I reached the tip once again, I added my tongue into the simulation. A rather strange noise left Harry now but I knew that it was a sound of pleasure. It was now that I let my other hand back into the equation and I softly grabbed the base which I couldn't quite fit into my mouth and worked the area in time with my movements.
I deliberately hummed a little bit and I knew that the vibrations only turned Harry on even more and I knew that he was likely painfully hard right now and his body and mind was craving relief. With this thought in mind, I sped up my movements, letting my tongue dip ever so slightly into the slit to lick up some of the precum- the salty taste lingering in my mouth. I knew that he was nearing his end because his slight hip movements were becoming sloppy and not quite so harmonious in the way that they were previously. It only took roughly another minute of working him in this fashion for him to still in his movements as he came undone and I quickly swallowed the residue.
I was panting hard and I couldn't deny that my jaw ached slightly. I ignored this however and instead focused my eyes on Harry's face to take in his reaction. It took him a bit of time for his breathing to go back to its normal pace and he had soon opened his eyes to look directly at me and giving me a beaming grin. This was all I needed before I leaned over to help him up and pull him into a tight hug. It was his reaction to all of this that I was most worried about, I was scared that I may have pushed his boundaries a bit too much. There was nothing at all for me to be scared about though as it became clear that he did not regret anything in the slightest.
He leaned down a little to gently peck my lips before jokingly telling me that I really should brush my teeth at the lingering taste in my mouth. At this, I gently shoved him in response and we both erupted into laughter for a few minutes. Once we had stopped doing so, I quickly pulled my clothes back on and yes I did brush my teeth as well. I jogged back out to see that Harry was lying on the couch once more and he still had his shirt off. Despite the sight of the bruises causing me major discomfort, I ignored them. He looked over at me and gave me a smile as I shimmied in behind him and wrapping my arm protectively around his waist once more. He'd turned the television on but I knew that he wasn't really watching it, it was just background noise and nothing other than that.
A good hour had passed after that and I realised with a start that I hadn't studied at all the last few days and my first exam was now only a week away. I gulped and gave Harry a panicked look whilst asking if I could see one of his books. He chuckled and shook his head lightly before leaving the room. He came back in a few seconds later with three different books and I raised an eyebrow in confusion. He sat down beside me and pushed one book to the side before handing me one. My eyes widened when I saw just how much was written in it when I did open it up and I gave my boyfriend a questioning glance as to why he had such in depth books if he was only filming an anti-bullying documentary.
"I'm going to sit the exams Louis. I don't have any qualifications right now and you know how unpredictable the music industry is. I could lose it all tomorrow so I think it's good for me to have some kind of backup if it doesn't work out at any time."
My mouth dropped open in complete understanding. It wasn't long however before my mind was once again repeating the fact that Harry admitted that studying was the way his siblings coped. Marcel I obviously understood well but his sister didn't go through much so why would she need some kind of crutch? I must have said that out loud because Harry replied back with a simple question;
"If you walked in on any of your sisters getting raped when you were eleven years old, would you not want something to distract you completely of such thoughts?"