In a matter of seconds he had stepped into my space and grabbed me by the waist.
"What are you doing?!" I shrieked, pushing him away with all my force.
"I have to tell you something and it's not easy to say," He said carefully.
I backed away even more, creating more distance between us. "I really don't want to hear anything you have to say, okay? You made everything—everything—clear to me the other night."
"You don't understand—"
"No, you need to stop fucking with my head, okay? If I'm just a student to you then stop pulling me back in and make me feel like I'm more than that."
"That's what I need to tell you, alright? I'm...I don't know , you confuse me."
"I confuse you?" I demanded.
"I just...can't stop thinking about you."
My heart dropped and fluttered at the same time. "You have to go," I said quickly, I knew better than to let him in again. I'm not stupid, I doubt I even trust him anymore. I feel like what he said is just more trouble, and I shouldn't be flattered by it, I should be scared. Before he could object I had closed the door—not all the way because he stopped me and pulled the door open again.
"Get away!" I shrieked, if I was sane I would be scared, my English teacher basically wouldn't let me get away from him and holding my back door to stop me. If I ran in I'm scared he'll come after me and rape me and kill me. Dramatic, I know, but it was possible. I mean, he could be a crazy person?
"Miley, just hear me out," He said softly but he was stopping my door with all his power.
"No! Leave my property or I'll call the police!"
He stopped trying to hold my door and sighed, but I foolishly didn't close my door and lock it, I just stared at him through the opening. He looked defeated. "Okay, I'm sorry I scared you." He said softly "I'm sorry also for all the things I did to you...can we talk, please?"
I shook my head violently. "You've said enough already."
"Come on, don't be so cold." He said.
I sighed, he looked so harmless. His eyebrows furrowed, he looked so sorry, there was a pleading look in his eyes. How could I say no? "Okay, talk." I said, the door still halfway closed.
He stammered, looking around my back yard as if he was going to find the words he wanted to say. "You're...You're my student—"
"Not this again!" I cut him off angrily and impatiently.
"Listen," He sighed "You are my student, okay? And it was fine until...we got involved, and then I knew that there shouldn't be anything between us because we could get in serious trouble, so I dismissed it, I know I didn't do it in the best way or even the right way—but I did it. And then I thought that it's my fault...because I couldn't resist you and I wanted you, I somehow wanted you instanly when you told me you were in love with me."
I stared at him patiently, waiting for him to continue, he paced back and forth in small circles, not knowing which words to say, I opened my door a little more to really see him. "The thing is, Miley, I...I do like you, and I like you so much that I created this chaos, but I know that it's wrong...like really wrong and, God, I—It's so hard to say,"
"Just say it," I pressed.
"I like you, not as a student, and this feeling...it just drives me crazy and—It just scares me because I'm really not supposed to like you and it's wrong and I keep doing things that hurt you to get rid of you...when I don't want to get rid of you. I thought that after the first time—you know when I told you I didn't love you that way, it will go away, but then you were somehow in my apartment and I couldn't hold back and the feeling was growing and it scared me even more..."
I watched as he paused and hesitate "When you left that night I couldn't stop thinking about you...your smile, the way you kiss me, your body and how it fits perfectly in my arms, I even thought of the way you curse at me and knock down that coffee cup...and when I was trying to get the stain out of my carpet I just hated myself for letting this amazing girl go...and hurting her. And in that moment I feel like I couldn't pretend anymore and deny these feelings to myself...I just couldn't because it's growing, and then there you were sitting beside me in my car...and things are just so toxic, so awkward, I hated it, I hate that you hate me. And I want you, every second I want you...And now I ask myself 'Is it wrong?', and then I feel like if it's wrong...I don't want to be right." He continued "In short; I like you, I want you...honestly, I do, and knowing it isn't right I just do stupid things...and say hurtful things, do you get what I'm saying?"
I nodded." That was a handful, but I get the point."
"Okay, good—well, that's all I wanted to say. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to just accept it and...God, I'm just really sorry for putting you through this, Miley, I am, okay?"
"Yeah," I croaked.
He stared at me for a few seconds, hoping he'd get more of a response, but I really didn't know what to say to him because I don't want to get hurt again. But somehow knowing that I get to hear him saying the fact that he likes me not as a student...it feels like acceptance.
"Okay?" He kind of whispered "Do you forgive me?"
I wanted to ask him if I forgive him what would it make us? If I tell him I forgive him will he go away? Because I know I don't want to handle more of him. I do forgive him, I think, I really don't know, and if forgiving him meant all of this would just magically go away like nothing ever happened and I could live in peace, I would genuinely forgive him.
"I forgive you." I replied.
He nodded and smiled to the ground. "Okay," he softly mumbled "I guess I'll be going then,"
I watched him turn on his heel, not looking back, not giving one last glance. That's when I knew I really don't want him to go, and I knew that I still do want him after all of this, and I still do trust him. I don't want what has happened between us to go away, I wished even more things would happen. Please don't go, I thought as I watched him disappear from my backyard, walking to the front lawn.
I closed the door, finally, I was alone and surrounded by the darkness inside of my house. I felt lonely, I missed him somehow. I regretted asking him to go, I want him here more than anything.
I like you, not as a student, and this feeling...it just drives me crazy. His voice echoed in my head.
I even thought of the way you curse at me and knock down that coffee cup...
I ran across the house and to the front door, picking up one of the spare keys on the table and unlocking the front door, opening it and instantly the sunlight poured in, it blinded me for a second and I could see Mr. Jonas walking over to his car, he looked upset, but he didn't look disappointed. When he heard my door opening his head instantly turned to me, a puzzled expression wash over his face.
I keep doing things that hurt you to get rid of you...when I don't want to get rid of you.
if it's wrong...I don't want to be right.
"I think I left something," I announced from across the lawn, his expressions softened. I strode over to him, my head held up in determination, I was inches from him now and in a sudden move I pulled him by the neck and brought up my face to meet his. Our lips connected and melted instantly against each other, I kissed him passionately, hungrily, screaming 'I don't want you go and I need you more than ever.'
I stood on my tip toes as I deepened the kiss, his hot mouth swept me off of my feet and I could feel a spark burning inside of me and slowly burning into him and consuming us both. He had his hands on my waist, pulling me closer to him. I pulled away, gasping for air and looking at him directly in the eye. "Come inside," I suggested, he smiled and nodded. I took his hand and pulled him back into the house.
I closed the door once we were both inside and turned a light on. I sat on the couch and he sat beside me, at first I didn't know how to start. The feeling is similar to the one I had when we kissed at his apartment, and I was so overjoyed that I instantly jumped him. I'm happy now but I'm also scared and I just want to be careful. I think he noticed how I felt and willingly made the first move,he took my hand gently and for a moment I just stared at how small it looked wrapped around his hand.
"I wont hurt you," He whispered and I looked up.
He trailed his finger under my chin, he put up his thumb and stroked by bottom lip before pulling my face close to him and kissing me softly, like he was apologizing again. I kissed back heartily, not wanting him to feel guilty, slowly the kiss deepened, there was warmth in his touch, the next thing I knew the kiss was filled with heat, burning me inside and out, my hands traveled across his chest, I found his tie and began to untie it.
He pulled me on top of him, the growing intimacy made me flutter and crave for more at the same time. His mouth trailed down and kissed my neck, and stopping on the curve between my neck and my shoulder and kissing roughly, bitting softly.
I whimpered at the pain but smile at the pleasure, twirling my fingers through his curls. His hands held me tightly like he was scared to let go of me, and didn't want me to go again. "Nick," I whispered, surprised at my own voice and the way I called him.
"Yes?" He replied between kisses.
I closed my eyes, his warm breath against my skin tickled yet turned me on, knowing he was so close to me. "Take me upstairs," I said.
"You sure?"
"Yeah," I said. He stood up slowly, my legs wrapped around his hips, he stopped kissing me as he ascend the stairs but I started to kiss him along his jaw. He brought me to the second floor with no struggle, I directed him to my room and he opened the door to it; my bedroom stood proudly clean and neat. Sorry, Mom. I thought, knowing that the bed's going to be in ruins after this.
He sat me down on the bed gently, I instantly sat up and kneeled down, he was standing on the sideof the bed unbuttoning his shirt. I watched him strip down to nakedness, he was so gorgeous, so beautifully sculpted.
He glanced at me from his torso, a smile appeared slowly. "You're blushing," He said carefully. I look up to his face and broke into a smile "You're just really gorgeous...and sexy." What I said surprised me, because I don't think I've ever really said it, I've only said it in my head. I blushed even more.
He chuckled and slowly dipped his body down, leading me down onto the bed. I let out a dreamy sigh as I felt his warmth against my neck, kissing softly. He unzipped my jeans and pulled them down to my ankles and off of me before he undressed the rest of me, leaving me in complete nakedness. I instantly felt turned on, me and him in the same room, nothing keeping us apart, not even clothes.
"Do you have a--?" He asked, I looked at him puzzled.
"A what?" I thought for a moment "Oh, a condom?"
He nodded. I reached under my bed and pulled out a small box, Lily gotten it for me on my 16th birthday as a joke, there was a pack of condom and a bottle of lube that I always considered on throwing out—she said that way that she was going to buy me a vibrator instead because she thinks I'll never get laid—Also one pair of really small lingerie that made me shudder. I took the condom and gave it to him, forgetting about the rest of the box.
I moved myself across the bed and positioned my head on my soft pillows as he put it on. I felt like there was something different this time; it was indescribable, it was special, it was more about love than desire, it was about making love...not about having sex. It made made me flutter.
He kissed me lovingly on the lips, then he kissed my cheek, then down my neck, his stubble against my soft skin ignites friction, sending waves of heat in my body. His hands on my sides, gliding up and down gently.
I strecthed myself across the bed; I could hear him breathing gently inches from me, I could feel his arousal against my thigh, rock hard. "I wont hurt you," He whispered for a second time that day, it sounded like a promise, and I believe him somehow.
He made his way into me and I gasped, I've never felt like this before, I felt really really special, really loved. He started to groan softly, I parted my legs even more and letting him take me all the way. My hips bucked and began to stir in sync with him, I could feel him every part of him, every stroke, every pump. He quickened his pace, my walls tightened, moaning out his name softly.
I felt like he was unravelling me and sent me soaring; a pressure inside me built, my heart banged inside of my chest, at that moment I knew that this time is different with the previous ones, It was really more about making love. I was awakened, enabled, and alive, feeling more desireable and loved than I'd ever felt. This feeling, him, it was exciting me.
I threw my head back as I heard him groaning louder, moaning my name in between pants. His velvety and deep masculine voice proviking my ecstasy. He paced even quicker, my climax escalated. I moaned as he pulsed in me sending me higher, unbelieving of how intensely pleasureable making love could be.
With one last pump I arched my back in pleasure, moaning louder as he groaned, I could still feel the last of him inside of me before he drew away and laid beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist, breathing heavily. I loved the feeling, It was the best moment of my life, everything was so perfect. I turned to him, his eyes staring at me, there were beads of sweat on his forehead.
The sight of him beside me made me so happy, I reached my hand up and wrap them around his neck before I leaned in and kissed him, thanking him. "I love you," I blurted out, it almost made me feel like a fool because I felt like even if he confessed having feelings for me it was too soon to be said.
His eyes glistened, he broke into a smile. "I love you too," He replied, it shocked me, I couldn't believe what I heard and I slowly leaned up and propped myself on my elbow, looking at him in disbelief.
"I love you," I said again, carefully, hearing my own voice shake.
"I love you too," he replied, a little louder.
My heart jumped to my throat and choked me. I was still wasn't convinced. "I love you,"
He laugh at me still not believing what I've just heard, he sat up on the bed, pulling me to face him, his fingers stroke my chin, his smile widened. "I love you too," He said "You heard me,"
I covered my mouth and broke off into a cry, I didn't understood why I cried but it was just a glorious feeling, it made me think of when he said 'I'm sorry,believe me, I love you, but not in that way.'
He looked at me lovingly and pulled my palms off of my face, he wiped my tears with his thumb. "Don't cry," he said softly "Things are going to be fine now,"
I smiled through the tears and closed my eyes, letting out a small laugh. "In what way?" I asked.
He processed my question for a moment before leaning closer "This way," He said softly, pulling my hands and wrapping them around his, staring into my eyes intensely "I love you...This way."
I felt like crying again, but instead I jumped into his arms and hugged him as tightly as I could, I brought my face up and kissed him really hard, it didn't even occur to me how are we going to handle things after this, who are we going to tell, how to keep it a secret...It didn't occur, I just wanted to live this moment; finally being loved back.
All I know that things are going to be fine.
***