When I opened my eyes, I was in white room. The walls and floors were like pillows and there was a hint of cleaning products in the air. 2 security cameras were perched on the corners, their eyes focused on me. I blinked the spots out my eyes and tried to figure out what had happened through the fuzziness in my head. After a few minutes I'd remembered being in a fight, a when the realisation that it had been Lacey finally clicked in my head, I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to hide.
I don't know how long I was sat in that room, it could have been minutes or hours, but when the door clicked open and the head nurse walked in, I knew I wasn't ready to go back. She walked towards me slowly but purposefully and knelt down in front of me.
"Hello Brandi" she said in a quiet voice. The anger that I remembered from the ward was all but gone and a calm women was now trying to talk me out of the room.
"Do you remember what happened?"
"You threatened to send me back to juvie" I said in a flat voice.
"Before that"
"I got in a fight with Lacey" I was looking at her, but I was avoiding her eyes as much as possible. I knew these people's tricks, and the eyes were where everything happened. Just one look of those caring hazel eyes could convince you to sign up to a Habitat for Humanity trip and swear to Jesus. Instead, I kept my eyes flitting between her mouth, her hair, the way she was sitting.
"That's right, and you know that fighting is unacceptable here" I nodded quietly and we sat in silence for a few minutes. "I know you've been through a lot in the past year, but you're doing so well to get yourself back on track. I've seen people like you before, really bad people that have done things just like you and have fucked up their life so bad that even we can't fix them, but you... You're not like those people. You have a chance Brandi, a chance to get everything back."
"But I can't get Lea back" I whispered, and a tear escaped. It was the first time I'd cried since the accident, and instead of sitting and staring at me because I was a dangerous person, the nurse wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. She was quite plump, and she smelled like washing powder which smelled like flowers. And it reminded me of my mum hugging me before I went to school for the first day, and I fell into her. I let her hold me, and stroke my hair as I let just a little bit more of human Brandi take her place back in my body. "It's okay baby" she whispered and ran her hand down my hair again. She let go and looked at me, wiped a stray tear away with her hand before offering it to me. Gingerly I took it, and she pulled to my feet and led me out the room. We walked through a corridor with a few other rooms with strong white doors, I guessed leading to other padded rooms, until we walked through a door and emerged into the adult ward. We walked through it and back into the Eleventh Ward. It was like the first time I'd arrived, but now everyone in the foyer turned to look at me and I felt countless pairs of eyes bore into my skin. The nurses lead me into the girls corridor, but instead of turning into my bedroom, they continued walking a bit further down the hall to a separate room. When the door was opened, I could see there was a single bed in the centre of the wall and my possessions had been moved in.
"It was decided you were better off in a single room for the time being" the head nurse said, before giving me one last smile and closing the door behind her. I stood still for a few seconds and took in the room. It looked exactly the same as my last room, except there was only one of everything. There were still no windows and I began to feel the bare walls close in on me. Without even bothering to check if all my things were there I walked out the room and pulled the door shut behind me. The corridor was still too small so I almost ran out into the foyer. The foyer was too crowded with people so I went into the lounge and sat on the window sill. This was the only place in the ward where you could see out into the real world. Whenever I had driven past the hospital as a kid, I would have been able to see people sitting in this exact spot, but I never even began to imagine what had led them to this windowsill. I might have seen Luke sitting here at one point over the years, or Grace. I thought of Grace and about what I'd told the head nurse in the padded room, 'I can't get Lea back'. But maybe I could. Not in the same way, but I could talk to her. I immediately jumped down from the windowsill and walked back to the girls corridor. I knew which room was hers, but when I opened the door it was empty. I checked the cafeteria and the activities room and in the end I had no choice but to accept that they were on the roof.
Ten minutes later and I was running up the last few steps to the fire escape. I was out of breath from sprinting but my body was so over taken with everything to stop and breathe. I pushed the door open and came to a stop in front of Michael, Erin, Luke, Calum, Lacey and Grace. Lacey's eyes darkened and Michael immediately stood up.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked. It didn't sound mean, it sounded like I was fully off my head to come anywhere near them.
"I need to speak to Grace" I said breathlessly.
"No" spat Lacey. "Fuck off"
"Please, just five minutes. I need to know..."
"Fine," I was cut off by Erin who had stood up as well "But you have to answer our questions first" I should have seen this coming. I should have known they'd want something in return, and what else but the answer they've been looking for this whole time. I should have turned away, told them to forget it and go back down to the ward, but by now my hopes were way too high, and thinking about it for just a few minutes had made me desperate. In a few hours time it would drive me mad. So, instead of walking back down the fire escape and to my new claustrophobic room, I walked over to the waist high wall around the edge of the roof and sat on it facing them, indicating that we had an agreement. Lacey was the first to talk, obviously.
"Who is Lea" I knew this would be the first question, and I knew it would come from her. Yet I was still unprepared how to answer it.
"Lea is my best friend... Was" I corrected myself. I wasn't used to talking about her in the past tense. "She was my best friend my whole life, I can't remember a time without her"
"Why didn't you want to tell us about her" It was Michael now, he had taken a few steps closer to me and the whole group was now standing in a semi circle facing me, even Calum had his full attention on me instead of himself for a change. Again, I didn't know how to answer Michael's question, but I went with the truth, it was the best thing I could do.
"Because if you found out about my past with her, then you would ask me about why its possible for Grace to see her"
"Its obvious why Grace can see her, she's dead" said Erin as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yes, she is" I felt anger start to boil up in my veins, "Now I've answered your questions, can I talk to Grace now"
"We're not done yet" it was Lacey. Of course it would be her to keep me captive in this nightmare for as long as she could. "How long ago did Lea die?" It was like being back in the interrogation room answering questions for the police.
"Almost nine months" I felt a lump form in my throat but I tried to swallow it back.
"How did she die?" This was the question I was fearing. It stopped me in my tracks, and I stared at their curious faces for a few seconds before I answered.
"I don't entirely know" A tear escaped my eyes, and I knew there was no point in wiping it away, or even trying to stop it. There were going to be more coming, and it was what I needed after all this time. I needed to cry about Lea, let the realisation that she was really gone take over me, finally mourn the loss of my best friend.
"What do you mean you 'don't entirely know'?" asked Lacey. To her the whole thing seemed like bullshit, it would to anyone.
"I mean I can't remember how it happened. I can't remember anything that happened that night."
"That's why they sent you here? To remember and be a suitable witness?" asked Erin. I shook my head and a few more tears escaped.
"Then why are you here? The full story." Michael. His dark green eyes were deadly serious. They wanted every detail about what happened, and this time I was going to give it to them.
"I had this cousin who was a step in bouncer at a nightclub one night, he told me he could get me, Lea and some friends in. So I convinced my boyfriend and his mates to come, along with a couple of my friends and Lea. When we got there, my cousin did just what he said and let us in straight away. No lining up or showing ID, nothing. We just walked straight in. We started dancing, laughing. But we had school the next day so neither of us were drinking. The last thing I remember from that night was me and Lea dancing in the crowd, under the flashing lights." I wiped away a few tears that had began to run down my face as I thought about how happy we were. We had finally felt like adults, like we were whole. "When I woke up the next day, I was in a warehouse over on the old industrial estate. It had been abandoned for years, and was at least five miles away from the club. Lea was lying next to me, I thought she was just asleep" I began crying properly and it felt good to finally let some emotion into my system. "I shook her to wake her up, but when I looked down I realised my clothes were covered in blood. I thought it was mine and I started freaking out, but when I didn't feel any pain, I rolled Lea over properly..." I sobbed and pulled my knees up to my chest again. I couldn't look at them anymore, their eyes staring at me, trying to figure everything out. "I called an ambulance to come and get her but they said she'd been dead for hours. The police came and got me, and when I told them I couldn't remember anything, they automatically put me as the lead suspect. They said that I killed her." I slid off the ledge and stood up. My legs were shaking and I thought I was going to collapse, but I kept my gaze steady on the group. "Do you know what its like to be accused of murdering your best friend?!" I screamed at them. "And the worst part is, I can't even tell myself that I'm innocent because I don't fucking know!" the tears were running thick and fast now, and I looked over at Grace. She had kept silent this entire time. And now I was no longer talking to the group, I was talking just to her, begging. "I just need to know if Lea remembers it. I need to know if I did it, I can't keep questioning every move I make. Please, ask her if I did it. Ask if I really killed her" Grace's eyes were scared and her hands were shaking, but she never stopped staring at me.
"Lea's gone..." Grace said quietly.
"I know she's gone, I know she's dead, but I need you to ask her, I need you to tell her I'm sorry!"
"I can't, I can't see her anymore" this time Grace's voice came out in a whisper. I felt my entire body crumble. I should have fell to the floor, but instead I stood still, staring at Grace. The silence on the rooftop was deafening. I couldn't breathe, and after a minute my lungs started to burn from lack of oxygen.
"No..." I whispered and breathed again. "No" I said again louder this time, "No!" I screamed it. My breathing went from impossible to all I could do. Each breath came in hard and fast, and as I breathed it out I would scream "No!" at Grace. My hands ran through my hair, my arms wrapped themselves around me. I couldn't stop screaming and my throat was starting to hurt. Suddenly my screams became muffled in my ears, and I realised there was another set of arms around me. I breathed in the smell of the t-shirt and realised it was Luke holding me. I screamed again, louder and louder into his chest. I felt my legs give way underneath me as the thought of Lea being gone forever washed over me. I had one last chance, one last time to spend with her, and now she really was dead. Luke shrunk to the ground with me and held me close like the head nurse had done. He pulled me onto his lap and let me cry into his chest. His arms were strong and safe around mine, and I felt like as long as I was surrounded by him, I couldn't be a murderer.