I wait at the elevator for what seems like forever but when nothing happens I come home, crawl back into bed and cry. How could he do this to me after he promised I could trust him. And I have, time and time again, giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing his explanations, his excuses, his lies. Fucking lies. And now it's just history repeating itself, but I'm at the other end. I knew he would hurt me but I couldn't let go, I couldn't just walk away. So I guess now I'm paying the price. He was able to leave Jon in their bed and come to see me so why did I believe it would be different this time. Why did he look me in the eyes and say 'You just have to trust me' if he didn't truly believe he could change. Maybe he wasn't planning on changing at all, maybe it was just another lie. I thought he said he wanted us to be better, he didn't want all the lies and cheating, the little things. This isn't better, I call this the same shit all over again.
All right, calm down, don't jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he has a good reason he left but what the fuck could it be? Why in the middle of the night?What couldn't wait until tomorrow? Why did he have to leave. Of course I'm thinking the worst as I lay here staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face, my heart and mind racing and it hurts so bad.
I hear the front door open and look at the clock. It's 2:20, I lay perfectly still pretending to be asleep. Kevin walks into our bedroom and crawls into bed so quietly I'm not even sure he's there. I hear him breathing heavily and as his breathing slows down I feel him relax. I'm so in tune with him I can feel his body even when I'm not touching him. I need to smell him, to smell if anyone else's scent is on him, to see if he smells like sex.
As hard as it is, I roll over and snuggle up against him. He puts his arm around my waist as I move closer and inhale deeply trying to discern the scents. There is Kevin, of course, and alcohol and a slight smell I can't place, something like staleness but not necessarily sex.
We lay there in silence both of us pretending to be something we're not. After a while I think Kevin has fallen asleep but of course I'm wide awake, my mind still racing. I look over at this man that I love so much and tears are running down his face. "Kevin, what's wrong?" I whisper trying not to scream what I really want to say.
"Patrick, I love you so much. I have the most amazing man that loves me to death but I still have to fight my demons." I prop my head up on my elbow to look at him. "What happened?" Does he realize I know he left? I'm just going to let him talk and keep my thoughts to myself.
"Why is this so hard for me? All I kept thinking about when I came to bed last night was Joel and his blatant come on. It drove me nuts knowing that he was out there, wanting me, my ego growing by the minute, along with something else. The fact that you weren't here to distract me made it so much easier to act on my urge, an urge that was beyond my control and I fucking hate that."
Wow, well I guess this is the honesty we talked about. He's coming clean with me, does he feel that bad that he can't hide it from me? Guilt is roaring it's ugly head again so I continue to stay silent and let him confess what he needs to. I'm not going to stop him because he needs to say it out loud, to hear it, to own it.
"So I went down there thinking I could just have a drink with them and maybe reality would hit me in the face and make me sober up to the fact that I can't do this. We were having a good time, drinking, laughing and chatting it up but when I looked at him all I could think of was you and how much I love your face so much more, your beautiful face. Your face is home to me and always will be, and just like that I realized he was a stranger. I excused myself, told them I needed to go home and came back here. Patrick, I swear nothing happened but the fact that I went down there really bothers me, that I was even thinking about hurting you just kills me."
"Yeah, it fucking bothers me too," I whisper. I'm not going to get angry, what would that solve. I was furious an hour ago but he seems so sad and broken I relax. "Kevin, when I realized where you went I completely lost it. I stood at that elevator forever hoping you would come right back up and when you didn't, my imagination went wild. I'm sure you know the kinds of thoughts that were going through my head. Do you know what that does to me? You can't keep doing this. Why didn't you wake me up when you were feeling that way and we could have worked it out?"
"You heard me leave?"
"Yes and I followed you to the elevator to see where you were going, hoping it went down to the lobby and you were just running out for something. When I saw it stop at the 7th floor I almost threw up. I couldn't believe it."
"God, I'm really an ass. I am so sorry I put you through that Patrick. I thought I could sneak out and work this problem out by myself without you knowing. I really wasn't planning on having sex with anyone, not that anyone plans on cheating, but the pull was overwhelming so I just had to go and prove to myself that I was strong enough. But it was fucking hard and that's what really scares me most of all."
"Are you a sex addict Kevin?" I say, hoping the answer will be the same as the last time I asked, not wanting to rehash that whole fight.
"No, of course I'm not, I don't have the fucking energy. I love sex with you, but I don't go and seek it out. Even when I was single I wasn't unsafe but the pull of someone wanting me drives me crazy. I know I act like I'm in control of everything but inside I'm not. I constantly reassure you that I am all yours, but I'm also reassuring myself. Saying it out loud and hearing it helps me too."
"Wow, why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Why do you think? That's not something that's easy to say and I was hoping I could work it out on my own. I'm trying so hard and I think I made some progress tonight even though you think I'm an ass. This was a step in the right direction, meeting my problem head on and being able to overcome it."
"How do I know you're telling me the truth? For all I know you could be a compulsive liar and everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. Sometimes when I'm at my lowest I wonder if you are who I think you are. There's this little voice in my brain that keeps nagging at me to question everything."
"I understand, I really do. I know it's hard to trust me because I keep fucking up but I'm not lying now and I just have to keep trying to prove it to you. We might have some setbacks along the way but I think we're worth fighting for."
"Of course you do Kevin because you don't have any doubts about me, but I have some about you. Sometimes my mind goes to this place where I think you're a complete fake and I'm being totally manipulated into believing you time and time again. Remember when we stood on the balcony and you said 'You just have to trust me,' well I am trying but am I being a fool?" I stare at him trying to look behind those eyes, to see into his soul. I see the love and the pain that he's feeling but also the longing for me to believe him.
"No you're not but just me saying that is not worth much. Again, I have to prove it to you which I am working on. But I just want you to know that after tonight, I don't think I could actually cheat on you. The opportunity was obviously there and I didn't do it, I couldn't do it. I don't see that changing, if anything I see that urge getting less and less. I hope you can believe that."
Kevin leans up on his elbow and kisses me. Does it feel right? Of course it does, he's the love of my life with this tiny little problem. Who am I kidding, with this big fucking problem. All I can wish for is that the little voice in my head will slowly get quieter, softer until I can't hear it anymore. I kiss him back tasting the sexiness that is Kevin and I melt, like I always do.
"I'm going to try and believe that and believe you Kevin because you're it for me, there's no one else I can ever imagine being with." Fucking roller coaster of emotions he makes me ride but I'm going to hang on for dear life. I wipe his tears away and say, "Keep fighting for us, whatever or whoever it is you have to fight." He smiles as he starts kissing my neck which of course leads down my chest as I run my fingers through his hair. This feels so right and as I grab him to me I realize I can't let go. We hold each other and finally fall asleep intertwined as the sun is just starting to rise.
We wake up at noon to wind and rain falling on our windows so hard it seems like it's going to break them. "I wonder how strong those windows are, it feels like the rain is going to come right in." I say as I stretch and run my hand over Kevin's chest. "I think they can handle it. Remember the sales lady said they were double paned when you told her you wanted to fuck me against them."
"I didn't tell her that, she overheard me telling you my secret fantasies," I say as I slap his arm. "And I was never so embarrassed in my life."
"You're turning all red again," Kevin teases which makes it worse. "I loved it, that was pretty much what sold me on this apartment. I couldn't stop thinking about you having your way with me against those windows. No other place would do after that comment."
"Well, I guess I know what we're doing this morning," and I drag him out of bed and trap him against the bedroom window, both my arms holding his arms above his head as the rain beats down so hard I think we feel it through the panes. I need to forget all the doubts I have about Kevin and focus on him fighting for us, fighting his inner demons to make us the best we can be. Again I choose to believe him and just go with that, be supportive and hope to god I'm doing the right thing. But with Kevin doing the right thing sometimes feels wrong.
"You are going to drive me nuts Patrick Murray," he growls into my mouth as he kisses me so hard and I love it. I love that I can do this to him, make him want me more than anything else in the world, make him realize that sex with intimacy is so much better than random sex. He tries to free his hands to hold me, grab me, but not today Kevin, today you are staying right where I want you. "Oh no Kevin, you have no say in the matter of how I am going to fuck you this morning. It's going to be my way or no way, understand?"
"Yes, Patrick Murray, I am completely at your mercy. Please be kind, I'm very fragile this morning," he says with the most pathetic look on his face. I am not kind to him, I am brutal in my effort to relieve myself of all the stress of the last day, the last week. Kevin is the recipient of my forcefulness, my pounding, but he doesn't seem to mind. "Wow, you ok babe?" he asks. "You seem a little wild, not that I'm complaining but it's kind of unlike you."
"Well, what can I say, you bring out the animal in me," I growl in his ear "I've just been wound so tight lately, I am ready to explode." And I do at that moment, inside Kevin, which feels amazing.
What better way to spend a rainy Saturday then in bed, watching movies, eating pizza and having a lot of sex? Kevin and I thoroughly enjoy the lazy day, not really accomplishing anything tangible but accomplishing everything intangible. I need this so badly, so utterly desperate I am to feel we have a normal, uncomplicated, honest relationship. I'm actually starting to believe it as night falls and the whole day was spent on each other. Heaven.
"Get up you sleepyhead, it's already 11 and we have to get going. Remember, we are meeting Owen and Meredith for lunch," Kevin whispers in my ear as he crawls over me to get out of bed. "They haven't seen you in a week and want to hear all about your new job."
"Yeah, yeah, give me a few minutes. I'm just trying to recover from our laziness yesterday. I could do that every Saturday," I yell to Kevin who's in the bathroom showering already. "I think we need to start a new tradition."
"Only if it's raining," he yells back. I know he's way too antsy to spend many days being lazy, but oh how crucial it was. "Now get in here and help me wash my back and then I might let you wash my front."
"Let me? With that attitude, your back is all that's getting washed ." I'm all business in the shower being very determined to clean only his back and move on to my own washing in the sexiest way I can, ignoring his pleading to do more. "Nope, I'm done and we have to get going." I step out of the shower leaving a very aroused Kevin to fend for himself.
We are dressed and out the door surprisingly on time to meet Owen and Meredith. We get in the elevator and press the ground floor. It stops at 7 and fucking believe it or not, Joel gets in. Shit, shit, are you kidding me? "Hey Kevin . . .and . . . "
"Patrick, his name's Patrick," Kevin says defensively as he moves closer to me and puts his arm over my shoulder. Well it's about fucking time, I think to myself, Kevin sticking up for me, for us in front of Joel. Kevin has this 'don't mess with me' look on his face as he gives me a little kiss on my neck. Shivers run down my body, my smile showing him I know what a big step this is.
"Right, sorry just forgot your name," he says glancing at me for a second but then zeroing in on Kevin. "Too bad you couldn't stay longer Friday, we didn't stop partying till the sun came up."
"Well I needed to get home." Kevin says then looks me right in the eye and says "We didn't stop partying till the sun came up either, did we babe?"
If it wasn't obvious before, the fact that we're together is obvious now. Kevin gives me another kiss on my cheek. I actually feel a little sorry for Joel, he seems taken aback by Kevin's blatant declaration of our relationship. I just have to add a little to the conversation. "That's right, I think you gave me the fuck of my life!"
Can't believe I said that out loud but it felt so good even though I know I'm bright red. Kevin starts laughing and says, "Glad to be of service, the pleasure was all mine."
The elevator opens in the lobby and we get out. Joel takes off in front of us and yells back, "Ok guys, see ya round." We stop and I can't help but laugh. "Well, you really set him straight."
"I don't think he will be a problem for us anymore," Kevin says seriously looking intently at me and lightly kissing me, his lips setting me on fire. I am so happy with him right now and again feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. "Thank you for that Kevin. I love when you stand up for us, makes me so proud to be your boyfriend."
"I am and will always be proud to be your boyfriend, 100 percent, remember? It shouldn't have taken all this to show me I can't continue to flirt with guys like I used to. I have always loved playing that game but it was just innocent fun, never really thinking it could hurt you so bad. Won't happen again."
Well, I guess that's out of the way. I hope it's true and he remembers this next time. We walk across town to meet Owen for lunch and of course Meredith. "I can't believe she is actually coming out on a Saturday to meet us. Does she miss me that much?"
"She must because I don't believe it either. Remember how nasty she was when she found out we were together? I had to deal with HR regularly to make sure I was treating everyone equally, gay and straight. She was a pain in the ass but I think now that you're gone and I can't play favorites she realizes we gays are not that bad."
I look over at Kevin as we walk towards the restaurant feeling so optimistic. "I hope she's in a good mood because I don't want anything to bring me down today, on this wonderful fucking day."