Kendall's POV
I put the glass of water down carefully when I heard someone scream my name. I knew who it was, of course. Who else would it be? I frowned and turned away from the kitchen. I took the stairs, two at a time and turned left towards her room. I could hear her panicked voice behind the doors, and it freaked me out. I pushed open the door and groped for the light switch on the wall next to me.
I cursed when I couldn't find it. I turned on the entire switchboard. The entire room bathed in bright lights. I winced and turned most of them back off.
I saw Kira in a messy bundle of blankets, her face ghostly pale and her eyes bulging. I crouched next to her. "Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. It's alright." I whispered to her. "I'm here." She grabbed my hand in a tight grasp. "It was just a dream" I told her. She took deep breaths and looked at me like she didn't believe me. I stood up and pushed her down the bed. I lied down next to her and held her close to me, whispering comforting things that seemed to have slow reactions.
She buried her face in my neck. Her breathing was still short and rugged, and she was holding on so tight that it almost scared me how scared she was. I didn't know how long after my whispers died away, but soon she was asleep again. Gently as I could, I lifted her head off my arm and readjusted the covers around her. I went back to my room and tried to go back to sleep. But for some reason, I was more awake than I had been the entire night. The yellow twinkling light that usually made my eyes heavy, now made me think of old times...like an old photograph yellowed with age. That's probably what Kira's memories were like. Yellow, and faded so bad she couldn't help but not recognize them.
I licked my dry lips and tried to think of happier times. Of joyous days and lighter hours- but nothing made me any less awake. Finally, there was a knock on my door. I frowned, but realized I knew who it was. Seriously. Who else?
I smiled. "Come in."
I didn't feel like getting out of bed, I was too comfortable.
Kira entered the room, looking timid. Her hair tousled, and her eyes looking like they belonged to a zombie. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"C-can I please sleep in your room tonight?"
I tried to restrain my face. "Sh-Sure, c'mon."
I moved over and let her climb in next to me. At first, she lay with her back to me. I was kind of disappointed because I was hoping it would be like old times. She would sleep on that reserved spot on my shoulder, but I guessed she didn't remember.
I stared at the back of her head. Cautiously, I put my arm around her waist. She didn't move.
I still couldn't sleep. Maybe I needed her to turn around, but I couldn't bring myself to force her. I lay awake even after her breathing slowed down and her shoulder slumped.
Then, I don't know how, long after I was done thinking about her soft hair, she shifted around so she faced me. Blinking, I raised my arm and she moved into my body. I put my arm down so she was lying on my shoulder-cap. I was frozen in slight shock, but I wasn't really aware of my surroundings, because when I straightened myself to lay flat on my back, she raised her left leg and draped it across my waist. Then it must be the Ghost Kira working about, because then, she did something so unexpected, that if I weren't getting a bit drowsy from the warmth of her body, and from the pain of having her so close, and not having her at all, I would have fainted, because she leaned up, kissed my cheek and snuggled down. On her spot.
--
Kira's POV
I woke up from a dreamless sleep. I remembered everything from the previous night except how I happened to be lying across Kendall. I lifted my head off his chest and pushed my hair back. The room was warm, and Kendall was slightly frowning in his sleep. One hand on the small of my back, the other one on his belly. Something told me it was on my waist before it slipped off.
I looked down at his sculptured face. I ran my thumb lazily along his cheek bone. He sighed and and licked his lips. I felt a tug in my gut as I continued to watch him. Was he mine? Did I know him? Where was my ignorant boyfriend? Did he no longer care?
'Kiss him, you foolish idiot.'
And I did. I kissed him, starting off gently, provoking him into waking up, and I sort of hesitated before taking his lower lip between mine and sucking softly. He took a sharp in-take of breath as his eyes flew open. His hands grabbed my waist, and when the shock washed away, he let his breath go- I smiled against his lips and continued to kiss him. He sighed contently with his fingers lost in my scalp, his eyes rolled back into his head.
I don't know what happened, soon, he wasn't so content anymore. He turned away.
"Kendall?" He wouldn't meet my eyes.
"Hey...what happened?"
He pushed me off and I fell to the other side of the bed. I felt out of place...again.
Kendall turned to me, looking agitated- disgusted. He asked, "Why did you do that?"
"What?" I said in surprise.
"Why did you kiss me?"
I sat, totally dumbfound. Why did I kiss him?
"Be-because I love you, Kendall?" I told him, barely managing to get the words out.
"Why?" He asked again. "Why do you love me? You don't even know me." He spat.
"Kendall- don't say that, please." I begged. His face fell and softened.
"Why do you love me?" He asked, but it sounded like an accusation.
I looked down in my lap, contemplating the only things I remembered. A boy with light blond hair who didn't care, parents who didn't give two shits, and the man before me. My entire time with him. In the Schmidt House, in the hospital. Waking up to him on my shoulder. His fainting right after he saw me.
Dancing in the rain, hot chocolate, kisses, comfort.
I frowned. [Please ignore the Twilight in this, I just want the song here]
"I-I love you because you've always been with me. I mean....for as long as I can remember. When I'm with you, I feel free compared to when I'm not with you. When I'm not, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of an abyss, and I'll fall in any moment. When you're around, I feel safe, because I know, now, that no matter what happens, you'll be right here. With me, and that you'll catch me when I fall- but you won't even let me fall, because for some reason, I mean something to you. And for all of that, after what I've been through, you were the only person who was always here, and I know that you won't leave no matter what happens to you..or to me, because Kendall you're here, be-because you're always here."
He looked at me and gulped, his eyes clouding over.
And before I knew, he'd launched himself at me.
[Sorry, you don't get the sex scene because it grosses me out. o.O]
---
Kendall's POV
I wasn't proud of what we did. What I did- but I couldn't help it. It was like a monster was inside me, hungry, raging to get out..and it could only be calmed by her. I needed her.
Kira was in my arms, lying on top of me, her eyes closed. Maybe that's what I needed, not to look into those eyes for a minute, and just think about what I had done, what I had to do, and what I will do. But I had tried everything. I was done. Spent.
It hurt so much to take her back to the places she knew so well, and telling me she had no idea where she was. It hurt to do all those things we used to do, and her telling me it was fun, no recognition in her eyes. Nothing I changed in her, except, I was exhausted.
What else was I supposed to do? I knew I had promised to choose a different path from the way fate chose for me, but it was hard...and I couldn't do it alone. I had no help, no progress, and all I had, was a girl who wasn't my girl. I had done everything I could.
We had made mustaches with whipped creams.
We had gone for walks with her on my back.
We had spent an afternoon in the shade of a tree.
We had had several more nights, wrapped up together to stop her nightmares, just like old times, but still, she showed zero recognition. She didn't remember anything.
Maybe it was that the Kira trapped inside her, had decided to stop struggling. To stop fighting. Maybe she thought that this was best. Maybe she thought it was okay to hurt me. Maybe she hated me now. Maybe she wanted me to feel the pain she went through, or she was going through because she couldn't reach out. Maybe she just didn't exist anymore.
I opened my eyes and blinked back the tears. I sniffled a little.
"Kira," I called softly. "C-can you move over a bit?"
She looked at me unsuspectingly and got off.
I stood up, my back to her and I went back to my room. I didn't wait for her to say anything. I didn't look back. I got to my room, and went into my private bathroom. I locked all the doors. I looked at myself in the mirror under the pale light.
I saw a man, disheveled worse than he'd ever been. He had bags under his eyes. He had worry lines on his face now that replaced the smile lines. There was no glint in the eyes now, they looked sort of wild. His clothes were crumpled. His ears were red. Tears ran from his eyes - and he screamed. He fell to the cold floor and pulled at his hair. He screamed, and screamed till his throat was sore. He felt his face reddening with the effort. He kicked his legs relentlessly. He wanted it. He wanted the plain, because he had no control anymore. Pain controlled him, like it does to everyone.
That man was me.
Everyone is controlled by pain. Pain controls us. It has the power to scare the living daylights out of people. Pain can cause all types of trouble. Not just physical, but emotional. Pain has the ability to make you act out. It is because of Pain, that we all act, because we are afraid of Pain. Afraid, that it will come to our loved ones. Afraid, that it will one day, come to us, and so we act, in every way possible to fend off Pain. But in one way or the other, it always gets to us. Pain asks to be felt.
Pain knows no mercy.
I don't remember how long I was in the bathroom. Hours? Days? Had I lost Kira completely to her father? Had I lost to myself? Had I given in? Had I accepted that there was no returning to where we stood, or what we used to be? Had I realized that I couldn't have Kira any more?
Yes. Yes, I had accepted that. I knew I could never have Kira again. I knew, that after all we had been through, this was a gap that didn't have a bridge, and that we couldn't ever get across. One person could go through, and the bridge would collapse. And we couldn't decide which one of us would go on. Because we didn't have options.
If I let her go, I would crumple. If I went, I would never forgive myself.
I stood up, stumbled, regained my footing. I took a deep breath and splashed my face with warm water. I cleared myself up, and I looked more or less normal. How broken I was inside? No one knew.
When I got out of my room, it was the same day. I went back to the other room and leaned against the door frame. "Kira" I said hoarsely. "Come on." She looked up at me and gave me a confused smile. "Where are we going?" She asked. "Somewhere, just come on." I said.
She stood up and took my hand, we went downstairs. I wished she'd let go of my hand, but I couldn't bring myself to talk or hurt her. I waved to mom as we passed the kitchen, and we went straight outside. The sun hung low against the sky. It was breezy, and it made me feel better. Kira went around the patio to my pearl white Prius. She tugged at the handle when it won't open. I patted my pockets for the key. I shook my head and turned around. I'd left the key inside. I hurried in and passed the hall. I took the key off the hook and went back out.
I was looking at my feet when I took the three stairs down, but when I looked back up, I saw a car pull in behind my Prius. It was a silver Lexus- the new model which was barely seen those days. I watched, frozen as two people stepped out of the car. A man in his mid-fifties wearing a pair of black office pants and a light blue dress shirt, his sleeves were rolled up. He had curly salt and pepper hair, a light stubble on his chin and shades covering his icy eyes. The woman was in a creme fitted dress. Her honey-blond hair pulled into a tight bun- heels to match her attire and a Guess Est.1981 hung from her arm. Her jaw set tight as her eyes swept over Kira and me.
Dalton and Cassandra Jones had entered the building.
Kira's POV
My heart dropped to the floor when I saw my parents. I somehow knew who they were. My father gave off the aura of a strict working man. My mother...she had a professional look about her. She gave no cry of surprise when she saw me. She just stood there, looking classy as hell. It was odd to finally see them. It was like they didn't want to be here, but they had to.
My father took of his shades and stared at me. A small smile crept on his face. "Kira!"
He hugged me. "Oh my darling I missed you." He had a British accent. I guess I had forgotten that. He wore strong scents that were over-whelming. I coughed and pulled away from him. "Kendall." He said and nodded at him.
Kendall's face hardened. "Kira." He said through gritted teeth. "Get inside. Now."
I looked at my parents, unsmiling and hurried inside. "Kira!" I heard my mom call. I didn't look back. I stood at the door and bit my lip. I looked at Kendall. "Inside." He repeated.
I made a split-second decision. To stay with Kendall, or Virginia with mom and dad?
Kendall. Always, Kendall.
I gulped and closed the door behind me. My heart raced as I leaned back against the wall. Kevin peeped out of the kitchen and frowned. "What are you doing over there?" I shook my head, my voice refusing to work. He came over. "Is everything okay? Where's Kendall?" He asked, looking behind me.
I managed to get two words out, fear creeping up on me. "Mom. Dad."
Kevin's eyes went round. He looked through the peephole and pursed his lips. He stared at the door for a second before turning back to me. "Do yourself a favor. Pack."
"Kev, what are you saying?" I asked, my heart skipping beats.
"Kira, it's for the best-"
"No! No, I can't go back. I can't leave!" I cried.
"Kira, you have to trust me on this." He said, looking at me dead serious. "Pack."
"No."
"Kira." His eyes, so like his brother's, bore into mine- I couldn't keep looking at them. They were exactly like how Kendall's were. My old Kendall.
"Kevin, please. Don't."
"Kira it's for your own good." He said, grabbing my shoulders. "You have to go back to Virginia- it's the only way it can get better! You have your roots back there, you have to return to them."
"What about Kendall?" I asked.
"What about him?" He said, his face set. "What do you care about what happens to him? Do you have any idea how much you've hurt him already?" He asked "Do you know how much pain he's in? You don't know in the slightest. Do you know how much it hurts him to be with you? Do you know how much it pains him to take you back to all the places you hold dear to lost memory and telling him you don't know where you are? Do you even know what you're doing? You are hurting him. All that happens when he's with you, is that his pain increases- and you stand there like you care. If you cared you would have come back!" He growled, his eyes watering. "If you cared you would have tried, Kira! You don't remember, you don't know, and that's what's killing him!"
He took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes.
"If you want to be with him, you have to remember. If you want to remember, you have to go back. I won't see my brother in any more pain, you hear me Kira Hilary Jones? Kendall will not go through any more pain. He's hurting, and you're not helping in any way."
"Kevin why are you saying this?" It's not my fault I don't remember anything! How can you blame me? All I've wanted ever since I woke up, was to remember!"
I didn't know why Kevin was blaming me. But deep inside, something broke, and I knew I was guilty. My head ached, and the flashes returned when they hadn't bothered me in weeks. I grabbed the door knob for support before I lost the present.
'A tall man stood with flowers. A dog ran around me. I jumped into the arms of a stranger. The tall man smiled. His eyes shone. The night was dark. Stars shone. I lay with someone on the ocean banks. Waves licked our feet. We counted the stars. Laughter filled the air. Marked papers flew around me. I sat in a classroom, A guy poked me from the side. He mouthed three clear words: I love you'
I gasped and saw Kevin gripping me. My surroundings became clearer. Tears ran down my face. I stood straighter shakily and started crying loudly. "I know." I whimpered, collapsing. "I have to leave. I can't hurt him, I can't! I have to leave."
I felt empty, weak and hopeless. It was like a void was opening inside me and I couldn't escape. I wanted to leave the world. Not die, just leave where no one could see me. Where it would be me and my guilt. Icy wind would hit me, and I would sit, bare so my guilt would scratch against me. Where I would let it consume me, and I would bleed until I would cease to exist.
My knees gave away and I fell. Kevin grabbed my arms and pulled me up. Stumbling and tripping I made my way upstairs. I packed up my clothes in a messy bundle. Reckless. I sat on the floor, and grabbed my hair. "I'm sorry." I sobbed, taking my head in my hands. "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him." I closed my eyes, and bit my tongue. I cried until no more tears came. I was too late to realize it, but Kevin was standing at the door. "I can't do it anymore."
"I won't hurt him. I'll leave, just please, please ... take care of him." I begged. Kevin shook his head and helped me up. He hugged me and let me weep into his shoulder. "I'm sorry." I whispered.
I heard footsteps on the stairs. Kevin let me go, and stood aside.
Kendall's frame came into view. He looked at me and his face fell immediately. "Wh-what's going on here? Why are you packed?" I looked at Kevin, he sighed.
"She's leaving."
"What- no! No, she's not." I said urgently.
"Kendall." Kevin said firmly. "You know that's the only thing that'll help either of you- you have to let her go." He explained calmly.
"What!?" Kendall exclaimed. "No- no, it won't help! She needs to stay here, she can't go back!"
I knew he was trying to convince himself more than us.
"Kendall, I'm sorry." I said.
"No." His voice wavered. "You can't do this to me. You can't- you begged me to keep you safe You made promise I won't let you go! You can't hurt me again!"
"Kendall, that's why I have to go- I can't hurt you anymore. I didn't realize what I was doing, and all I was doing was bring you more pain- because it's not me you want. You want the person you knew to come back, and I'm sorry I can't be that. I'm not the person you're trying to help. I'm not the person you knew. I'm not the person you love."
I covered my face with my hands and leaned against the wall again. "I'm sorry....I'm sorry." I muttered.
I could never be the person Kendall loved, because he knew that it wasn't me. Maybe he knew me before, and maybe I did too, but it couldn't be me.
If it was me, I would never have forgotten about him.
Kendall's POV
I stood motionless and emotionless. I was numb, and I didn't have enough will.
I had lost her. I had feared it, and I had been unable to fend off Pain.
I watched as Kira, Kevin and mom stood next tot the car. Talking to the Jones'. She was leaving, and there was no stopping her. I had lost, and there was no redoing. There was no proof-reading our time for mistakes. There was no room for error now, because it was done and over.
Mom and Kevin passed me and disappeared behind me with sympathetic look. I wondered how pathetic I looked. I looked back at the three unhappy people below. A tear fell from my eye and I wiped it quickly. I felt myself decaying inside. I watched as Dalton and Cassandra sat in the front seats. My argument had gone to waste, because in the end, it was what fate had in store for me. Pain.
Kira closed the boot and stood there for a second. She looked back at me and we locked eyes. There was no point smiling, or telling her I loved her- because I didn't love her. I loved the person who was gone. I loved the person who was lost in the accident.
Kira hesitantly made her way over to me.
"I'm sorry, Kendall." She said.
I nodded.
"Don't be angry at me. Please." She bit her lip.
I nodded again.
"I never meant to hurt you."
I just looked at her, I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry." I blinked and shook my head.
Kira's eyes were red, and I remembered the last morning when I had woken up next to her, carefree. What wouldn't I had given to have her back with me.
Kira wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me. I buried my face in her hair, like I used to. "I'll miss you Kendall." She whispered. I didn't speak. "Thank you for- for being here." I hugged her tighter.
She pulled away and looked at me one last time. "I love you."
I broke, and I just managed to say one thing before she left me.
"Don't forget about me, Kira." I said. "At least not now."
She gave me a shattered look, and she turned her back to me.
---
Maybe some day, she'll remember who she was. Maybe then someday she'd find me again. But maybe, she'll question me once she knew who she was. 'Why did you ever let me go?'
And if that day ever comes, I'll only ever have one answer. 'Baby, I was a fool to let you go.'
Maybe one day I'll have her back, but in the light of the drowning sun, I only knew one thing: That there was another day to come. I didn't know if that day was going to be better, I could only hold mere hope, because so far, fate wasn't playing the cards in my favor. Maybe once she remembered,
I wouldn't be here to be remembered anymore.