first day of fucking school, ready to be ignored and learn absolutely nothing, check.
same as every year.
she had woken up by the bright light outside, frowning at herself for not having pulled the curtain in front of her windows.
"Lucille" she whispers, testing the word in her mouth, it's been so long since she said her own name, or said any word for that matter.
going over the conversations she might have to have with her new classmates, trying to make herself less nervous.
mumbling out the words slowly.
" hey i'm Lucille, i'm 17 years old, i live with me mum and brother" she sighs out lowly, shaking her head at how pathetic that sounded.
she's hoping that maybe no one will notice her, and she can go the day without introducing herself.
she can hear her mom and younger brother on the other side of her walls, getting ready themselves, they aren't loud, but knowing that they are there, makes the noises seem louder.
her mother knocks on the door but doesn't say anything, and she can hear footsteps leading away from the space outside her door.
what a dumb way to make sure that she is awake, she thinks.
her mother doesn't seem to think that she should do more than just a lousy knock.
huffing, Lucille gets out of her bed, standing up on shaky legs, running a hand through her now clean hair.
her mother had forced her to take a bath last night, it felt good but she can't help but still be pissed that she was forced, she is old enough to make decisions on her own, well according to herself anyway.
her eyes starts to well up, she rubs at her eyes furiously, hating when they do that, it's been sometime since she felt the need to shed tears.
she thinks about ending it all right now, before she has to leave the apartment, it would be so easy, it would be so nice not to have to think or feel, but she knows that she can't, no matter how badly she wants it, to actually do it is so far out of her reach.
she opens her drawer that is filled with clothes, it all thrown together in a messy pile, she pulls out a pair of jeans, black of course, same with the top part, an oversized black sweater.
finding a random pair of socks, before looking for her black boots.
jewelry is the last thing she finds, a black velvet choker.
pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail, she feel as satisfied as she can get.
fishing out her eyeliner and mascara, she applies it gently to her lid and lashes.
a wide smile stretches across her face but it disappears when her arm starts to throb.
she frowns and look out of the window, seeing the creep from across the street, sitting by his dinner table, having his morning coffee, she shudders and turn her eyes to the other windows, wondering if his wife has left for work already, by the darkness of the bedroom she guesses that she has.
"breakfast?" she mumbles the question out to herself, waving her hands around her head, clapping with a sigh
"no" she tells herself firmly, poking her nose with her index finger.
maybe she can leave before her mom sees her. slipping out of the door quietly, backpack securely on her back, she tiptoes down the hallway, towards the front door, looking at herself in the mirror for a second, before opening the door.
she can hear someone moving so she hurries out of the door, letting it shut with a bang.
she runs down the stairs so fast, she was a bit afraid of falling over her own two feet, but she kept going.
reaching the last step, she breathes out heavily, holding her stomach with her left hand, feeling a bit of victory but also dizziness.
she walks outside and immediately a shiver travels up her spine, pulling her sweater closer to her body.
making her way across the road, down the street towards the bus stop, it takes no more than two minutes.
it's incredibly cold for a late summer morning, but she doesn't mind it's way more comfortable than the warm summer days.
the bus stop is filled up with grumbling teenagers, all standing in small groups, talking among themselves, lucille is keeping her head down low, walking by she can hear them whispering, she turns up the music that she has playing in her ears.
finding a safe place to stand, away from all the others, this is the worst part of every morning and taking the bus.
she can feel the nerves now, making her heartbeat pick up.
curling her fingers together and pressing them together tightly, making them hurt so she can focus on that instead.
a bus suddenly appears from the corner across the street, making its way to the waiting teens, it's the bus that the majority of the young people take, but not lucille, feeling a bit lucky that not many from her home town goes to the same school as her.
it takes no time for her bus to also appear, it stopping right behind the other, being quick to walk in and taking a seat in the back with a big window so she can look out, so she can watch the nature that calms her before she has to walk into a vaguely familiar school.
turning her music even louder, she changes the song too, same three songs every morning no matter where she is going.
compared to what she normally listens to these songs are pretty calm, but as soon as they are over, it's back to the dark rock.
it's not a long ride, but it's enough to make her sleepy again, the bus makes a sharp turn and lucille falls forward, hitting her head on the seat in front of her.
groaning lowly she rubs her head with a warm steady hand, pulling her legs up she curls around herself, pressing back into the seat she is sitting in.
he head is lulled to the side and the window feels amazingly cold and it has her eyes falling shut.
but out of nerves she opens them quickly, afraid that if she falls asleep, she will miss her stop. the sun is already half way up on the sky, it's shining through the skies that try to cover it.
the bus gets filled along the way, more young people piling in the already half filled bus, chatter is loudly booming around the small space, compliance about how early it is, but lucille doesn't care, doesn't even bother to listen.
her head is moving with every move the bus makes, rocking back and forth, to both sides, she could be mistaken for a lunatik, but they wouldn't be far off.
if her dad finds out then he would lock her away, she knows it for sure, he cares about lucille a lot more than her mom, a lot more than any person she has ever met, but she doesn't want her dad to know, she wants her dad to keep a good image of her in his head.
she was always the perfect daughter to him, and she wanted him to remember her as that, perfect.
the air is suddenly very suffocating for her, lucille's eyes widen with panic and before she knows it, she has pressed the stop button and is pulling her bag to her chest, her heart pounding with anxiety, she holds head down low as she bolts down the bus hall until she is standing outside, watching the yellow bus drive away.
just then she realises that she has absolutely no idea where she is now, she hadn't thought about it when in her panikken state.
"you stupid stupid! you got us lost" she says loud and clear, hitting herself with the palm of her hand, making her face sting.
"i didn't mean to" lucille mumbles after some time, giving her surroundings a look and not finding anything familiar, that makes a loud sigh leave her, she falls to the ground and covers her eyes, this was not part of the plan, this is too complicated.
complicated.. she shakes her head while whining.
maybe this was a sign, maybe she isn't supposed to go to school, maybe she shouldn't return home.
this idea makes something in her head light up, makes her laugh in this unfortunate situation, lucille can't help but clap in glee like a small kid.
nothing is around her, no houses, no people, only a valley of trees and a run down bus stop almost being developed by nature, a childish joy bubbles up in her that gives her a desire to crawl up a tree and stay there.
after her 'happy' feeling died down, she starts walking down the dirty road, towards a new reality.