Bridgett
I threw up again, what little food I'd eaten that day was now on the tiles before me. A splash of green and brown, wet and disgusting. Dangerous. I cleaned it up, holding back the rest of my urges to chuck. Even if I did, I doubted there'd be any more food to lose, I'd only eaten a few spare scraps in the week. He'd kill me if he found the mess.
This had been going on for days now. The throwing up, the queasiness. The pains down there that felt different to normal. He was going to be back soon. I could see that blasted whip hanging on the back of the kitchen door. He'd moved it, giving me that sadistic grin as he had, just knowing he would need it for the next time I broke a plate.
I was making very sure that no plate was being broken. So far I was safe, but if he saw the tiles before I mopped them, that false sense of safety would develop into pain, fear and just... I had to mop before he got back.
It didn't do much good, the moment he found me in the bathroom, bent over the tub trying to clean it, I threw up again. Making this horrible retching sound. I don't even know where the food I was throwing up had come from. I hadn't eaten nearly that much.
He didn't punish me like I expected, instead he gave me the first soft touch I'd received in years and held my hair back as I retched into the bath. He was humming sounds that would have been soothing if my nerves weren't so shot, and stroking the back of my neck softly. When I finished, he picked me up, still being gentle, and lay me down on his bed, whispering something about medicine for my stomach and water. I don't know what scared me the most, that whip of his, or him being this kind.
Anger I could deal with, pain I could deal with, screaming I could deal with and orders I could deal with. But this kindness, this tenderness I hadn't felt in years? I could not deal with. I burst into tears, and he wiped them away
It was a few weeks before my stomach settled, and he allowed me out of the bed I'd had all to myself during the sick spell. I didn't know where he'd been sleeping, but it wasn't in his bed with me, and for that I was grateful.
He handed me a small, plastic blue stick and told me to take it. I had no idea what it was, or what he was talking about and very hesitantly, very quietly asked him, so he pointed at one end, and told me to pee on it.
I wondered if he'd maybe gone mad.
I did what he said anyway, and he took the stick away from me when I had, and told me to wash the dishes. It was maybe an hour later, when I was finished wiping down the kitchen counters and just starting on dusting the light fixtures that he came up to me.
I wasn't able to make much sense of what he was saying, but I heard the word abortion, and instantly knew what was going on.
I was pregnant. There was a life inside of me. There was a life, a baby inside of me, and he was going to kill it.
That was the last time I ever told a man "no".
I wrapped my arms around my stomach and just looked at him, shaking my head and whispering no. No. No, you cannot kill my baby. No, I can't be pregnant. No, this isn't happening. No.
No. It's a powerful word if you know how to use it. I had no idea how to use it, but I could still wield its power.
I told him no, in a tone that said "You won't talk me out of it".
I had no idea how to use the power of no. But he knew the power of yes, and he knew how to use it.
The whip. His fists. His feet. Everything, came out to play.
But he didn't r*pe me.
Not this time.
I woke up on grass, beneath a mocking blue sky, a strange man kneeling between my legs with what looked like a rusty knife. I was completely naked. The moment I started to move, panicking, hands held me down and a gag was stuffed into my mouth. They didn't have the decency to knock me out again. Instead, he let me go through all the pain of having a knife shoved up through my parts and fished around. I begged silently for darkness, for unconsciousness to take over and release me from the pain but. It never came.
I bled for a month after that. Every miniscule movement one huge explosion of pain that out did anything they'd ever done to me. I suddenly found myself with a newfound respect for the women back in the day who I had been told at some point, would willingly go through backyard abortions with a coat hanger. It was a bitter, bloody and pain soaked respect, but respect nonetheless.
I was useless to him after that. When I healed enough to stand he sold me. He didn't want someone who limped with every step she took and screamed like a banshee with every touch he gave her. He had preferred it when I had been quiet as he took me.
I met the new girl briefly, and cried when I saw how young she looked. I hoped for her sake, that she couldn't have children, and that if something could go right for her. That it would be her death. Quick, smooth and painless.
Death was so much better than the alternative.
--
'Off. Off, now, Lara.' I gasped, shoving her off of me as I fought for breath.
'Bridge, God are you okay?'
I rolled onto my side, curling into the foetal position and counted my breaths, trying to slow my heart rate and stop the images in my head.
'God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, fucking hell, please.' I whimpered, struggling to control myself.
I could feel Lara touching my back, hear her voice but couldn't make out the words. I was rocking, struggling for air and unable to find any.
'Bridgett, breathe, please Sweetie, you're okay. It's okay, I'm sorry. Please come back to me, Bridge, come back.' Her forehead was resting on my shoulder as I rocked, 'C'mon, Baby, you're okay. Just breathe okay? Just breathe, it's okay. It's okay.'
'God, oh God.' I continued to whimper, barely hearing Lara's pleas.
She'd been kissing me, hands roaming when it hit me. That image of one of the men, the one with the spider tattoo on his cheek. I saw him touching me, taunting me, and I broke like a thousand times before.
It was Lara but all I could see was Spider Cheek. All I could feel was his greasy hands touching me.
Lara's touch, her special touch I had come to love had suddenly warped into my nightmare.
It took longer than usual to slow my breathing and see Lara again instead of that tattoo. It was my first attack in ages.
'Bridgett? Come on, Sweetie, answer me, please? Bridgett, please. You're okay, it's okay.'
'Lara.' I whispered, rubbing my wrists where I'd dug my nails in. 'I'm okay.'
'Thank God, Bridgett. I'm sorry, tell me what I did, I won't do it again, I swear.'
I managed to roll onto my back and shake my head at her. 'No. You did nothing wrong, I promise.'
'You're sure?' She had that scared-worried look on her face that I hated. The look she gets when I have an episode and she doesn't know what to do to make it better.
'I'm sure, I just. Flashback. I had a flashback that's all, it was nothing you did, just crappy timing.'
'You're sure? I won't be upset, I promise.'
'I'm sure, Lar. It wasn't you.'
She nodded, looking uncertain. 'Okay. If you're sure.'
'I am.'
She nodded again, hesitantly touching my shoulder before pulling me into a tight hug. I hugged her back, gripping on like she would disappear if I didn't. The flashes of memory still swam in my mind, but not to the point I would think it was real again. I was safe.
'C'mon. We can watch TV or something, I can go back to looking for that job online.'
'Sounds good.' She helped me stand, my legs were shaking and felt like jello as always happened after an attack.
Neither of us bothered dressing, we weren't expecting anyone anytime soon and it was so much more comfortable in our own skin than clothes, so why not?
'You don't need a job if you don't want one, Bridge.'
I had the laptop sitting on my lap, the JobSearcher site up. 'I know that, but, it's not a matter of need. I feel like I'm just mooching off you, Lara, and you mean so much more to me than that. I want to be able to support myself, and if this is the only way I can do it, then so be it.'
'You didn't feel like that before Darryn mentioned it.' She didn't look at me as she said it and I realised a little slowly that she was... agitated.
'I didn't feel like that, because. Well, just because. I shouldn't be mooching off you, it's not fair, regardless of whether it took Darryn mentioning it to realise or not, it isn't.'
'I don't mind you mooching though, Bridge. I want to support you.'
'You don't want me to support myself you mean.'
'I just... Stop putting words in my mouth, that's not what I said.'
'You implied it.'
'Bridgett.' She sighed my name, exasperated. 'It's not that, I just. I care about you. I want to look after you, and... I just...' She sighed again. Not able to find the words.
'You don't think I'll let you look after me if I do it myself?'
'Kind of.' She looked over to me, the insecurity shining in her eyes. 'I just... I'm so used to you needing me, I guess.'
'I'm still going to need you, Lara. Getting a job won't change that.'
'It will. You won't need me as much.'
'It's not about the money if that's what you're thinking.'
'What?'
'I don't need you for your money, so having my own isn't going to stop me needing you. I need you. Not money, not the house, nothing but you.'
'Really?'
'Really.'
She moved closer to me, placing the laptop onto the floor before pulling me into her arms. 'Sometimes it feels like I need you more.'
I smiled and hugged her back. 'There's nothing wrong with that.'
--
'So, you never did tell me who Katherine is.'
We were drying the dishes, Lara drying and I was putting away. She'd told me it was the setup she and her pa had when they washed and dried the dishes together.
'I, kind of don't want to talk about her.'
'Why not? Was she like those guys or...?'
'No. The complete opposite actually. She saved me really. Bought me and then set about fixing me.'
'Bought you?'
'Yeah. She made it her mission in life to spend her money, which she had mountains of by the way, on buying girls from that place. I don't see why she didn't just have it shut down, but.'
'What did she do?'
'Helped me. She introduced me to Sam, who actually helped a lot, believe it or not. She kind of brought me out of my shell and threw a ping pong at me every time I tried to do any chores.'
'A ping pong?'
'Yup. Discouragement more effective than words but didn't hurt.'
Lara smiled and shook her head, pulling the plug in the sink, she'd never heard any of this, pretty much as far as I'd let her know until now, I could have been perfectly normal the day I became free.
'I remember the first day I saw Kelsie.'
'Yeah? What was that like?'
'She tried to bite me. I'd been there for maybe six months when I met her. Katherine had taken her in as a favour to a friend who actually had been Kelsie's captor. The person who'd had Kelsie had disappeared and Kelsie was half starved by the time Kat brought her back. I think it was the next door neighbour that found her first though.
Kelsie was... I don't know how to explain it. She was scared, but not scared of everything. Do you know what I mean? Like a kitten seeing grass for the first time. She was really interested in everything but too scared to go near anything.'
I finished drying the dishes and Lara pulled me over to the couch,
'What happened?' She urged me to continue, thirsty for the past.
'I don't know what happened to her before she came –'
'No, I know that, what happened when she arrived?'
'Oh, well Kat dumped her on Sam and another girl to look after, and she went off to do something. That's how I met her, I was trying to find Sam so I could ask her something and the moment Kelsie saw me she just kind of jumped on me and bit my neck. I have no idea what she was trying to do. I don't think she was trying to hurt me though, she acted afterwards like it was the most natural thing in the world to try to eat someone.'
Lara giggled at that.
'Sam introduced me to her, she had a bite mark on her neck too. I think Kelsie did, but it was really faded. Anyway, it ended up Sam and I looking after Kelsie, the other girl never really got along with Sam and I never made the effort to talk to anyone at that point if I wasn't comfortable with them.'
'Fair enough considering what you'd been through.'
'Thanks. I remember us trying to stop Kelsie's biting. She would try to bite us at least once an hour, and one day Sam got fed up and bit her back. You should have seen it, Lara. She looked like she was going to explode with ecstasy. So Sam's plan really backfired. I think it was when Kelsie bit a new girl that she stopped. The new girl freaked massively and smacked Kelsie in the face. I don't think Kelsie had been hit in her life up until that point, so she just kind of stood there awkwardly staring. Then the tears welled up and she ran off crying. That new girl was Kip.'
'Oh, wow. The girl from the café?'
'Mmhm. Kipley is not someone you want to get on the wrong side of.' I winced the moment I said that, remembering, 'The moment Kip recognised me for the first time, she got so angry, so pissed at me, I don't know what she would have done if I hadn't hugged her the moment I realised who she was as well. Instead she broke down crying in my arms asking me why. Why I'd let him hit her, why I'd turned my back on her. She kept asking until I was in tears as well, and we both just sobbed in each other's arms in the corner.
We did become friends after that, but not before Kip exacted her revenge, turning her back on me when I sliced my finger open by accident while cutting the onion for dinner. It had been my turn to cook. She had begged forgiveness afterwards when I was all patched up, and it never occurred to either of us that I had never apologised myself.'
'You turned your back on her? When?' Lara pulled my hand into hers, probably recognizing the way I had tensed.
'We were both bought by the same man. She said something stupid so he beat her and I just left her to her punishment and did my chores. When I returned, she was all bloody and broken and pathetic, and I... and I just...' I hung my head in shame of what I did, pulling my hand out of Lara's warm grip and wrapped it around my body. 'I just lay down on my bed, and turned away. I ignored her cries, her wails. Her every scream of pain. I just ignored her. I'm no better than the man who beat her.'
'Hey.' I felt Lara pull me into her, wrapping me up tightly in her arms and pulling me up against her body. 'Don't you dare say that. You are nothing like him, do you hear me? Nothing like him. You didn't hurt her, you didn't take her away from her home. You were trying to protect yourself, and that's okay.'
'It's not. I could have done something.'
'Like what? Bridgett, you couldn't have done anything without being hurt yourself. You did nothing wrong.'
I looked away, not wanting to argue but wanting to tell her she was wrong. I could have done something. Anything. But I didn't. I did nothing.
'I'm going to go have a nap.' I stood up and left the room, leaving Lara on the couch.