29 November 2014
Three weeks had flown by since the day we walked into the Radiology department. The digitally calming flowers on the wall had lost its excitement on me, as it faded in with the dull white walls. All I could think of, was having to endure three more weeks of this. Even if we did clamber across the finish line by the end of three, we still weren't in the clear, there was still the surgery, and hopefully after then remission. The weather outside was fair, the sun wasn't too bright, nor was there signs of rain clouds. But instead of lounging on the beach, I found myself in the radiology waiting room, ankles crossed, restlessly flipping through some ostentatious fashion magazine that glorified unhealthy diets, and corpse-like bodies. The seats in the room were quite full for a Saturday, each one of them sat there with a companion to chat with. For a while I tried to play a game wherein I would distinguish which one of them was the ill-fated one, but it was surprisingly difficult. Either they would both look a little antsy, or they were both calm, it then led me to wonder whether other people could tell which one of us was the cancer patient, it was always me with the permanent crease etched upon my forehead, while Cody remained expressionless as ever. Hitting the halfway mark of the radiation treatment process meant that it was due time for an update on Cody's status. Examining the fading and chipped off nail polish on my fingers that were laced between Cody's, I sulked at the realization that I had lost touch with maintaining my regular manicures, something that I had used to pride myself on. I was in the midst of mentally reminding myself to pen down an appointment at the salon, because I deserved to treat myself, when Dr. Collins popped his head out of his office to personally invite us in. Cody bolted up immediately tugging me up as well, his hand still clutched on to mine.
We took our seats in the familiar oversized desk chairs, Dr. Collins soon following suit, with a pale yellow file held in his hand. Reading the small, black letterings in the center, it read 'Patient: Mr. Cody Runnels'.
"Good morning guys." He flashed a wide smile. "Lets get right down to it shall we?" He began the proceeding, thumbing through the documents. Dr. Collin's face bore an extremely, pleasing, friendly aura, making it easier for us to feel less agitated, relative to the presence of most other doctors, with the exception of Dr. Kahn of course.
"So there are signs that the radiation is doing its job, there is evidence that the cancer cells have been destroyed. But –" he paused. I bit my lower lip in frustration, all I could think of was 'what now?' "Your cancer cells have upped the rate at which they grow, which is partially undoing some of the work of radiation."
"So what does that mean?" I inquired.
"This sort of activity presents most of the time in cancer patients. What is happening is that even though cancer cells are being destroyed, new cancer cells are growing, and it is metastasizing, so when we look at an overview of Cody's body, it would appear that his level of cancer cells have actually increased?" I nodded with understanding. "Instead of conducting the radiation today, we will instead send Cody back to dosimetry and recalculate higher level of radiation dose. Unfortunately we might have to extend treatments by one more week, but that depends all on the sixth week evaluation. If the higher radiation do work out, then of course the extra week won't be necessary." He smiled a smile that was filled with genuine hope.
Under normal circumstances I would have been trounced by worry, but recalling Dr. Collins explanation of how we always had the back up option of chemotherapy kept me at bay. The chemotherapy vaguely resembled a safety net under us, knowing that even if radiation failed it wasn't the end of the world.
"Moving on," he cleared his throat, as he closed up the file, removed his reading spectacles and lifted up his face to focus on us. "Are your symptoms under control, or do you still face any difficulties?"
"Well as I mentioned, the fatigue is still getting to me. I tried some of the techniques that you gave me, but they were to no avail." He explained. I had no idea he still experienced it, but once again it was due to a lack of his complaints, not that it was a legitimate excuse. We lived under the same roof, I should have noticed.
"I'm not trying to scam you into prescribing me pills, doctor, but with my workload, it's quite difficult to focus." He admitted with a smile.
Dr. Collins looked at Cody. With pursed lips he smiled, and nodded his head in understanding. "I guess I can look into. But on your part, you need to understand that you may not be able to take on as much work as before, my advice would be to ease up. Perhaps take on fewer cases for a while, I'm sure your colleagues will understand." Cody just smiled politely, and nodded in agreement, but I could tell he was just gonna skate past the doctor's advice.
"I really appreciate it." Cody thanked.
"Any more concerns?" He posed.
"Nope, I think we are good." Cody answered, looking over at me incase I had any questions, but I didn't, so I nodded in agreement.
"Alright then, let us proceed to dosimetry." He stood up, and smoothed the crinkles off his white lab coat, then gestured us to follow him.
It didn't take very long to conduct the tests, and having prepared ourselves for radiotherapy earlier, it meant that we would be able to get back home earlier than anticipated. Since Cody was not weighed down by fatigue today, he took the wheel, while I relaxed myself into the passenger seat.
"Nice day, huh?" Cody awed.
"Are you really talking about the weather?" I asked, trying to suppress a giggle. It was so unlike Cody to fill in silence with uncomfortable small talk, especially when the silence that would often ensue between us, was rarely awkward, but rather a precious break from our endless conversations. "Who are you?" I jokingly interrogated.
"I'm trying to divert your attention." He confessed, leading me to confusion. Divert my attention from what?
Unsurprisingly reading my mind, he answered, "If the silence lingered any longer, you would be the first to break it...and we both know what the topic would be based on." He briefly faced me, arching one of his eyebrows impressively above the other, but soon turned his focus back to the road ahead of him. "We don't want to spoil such a lovely day, do we now? He briefly took his eyes off the road and glared at me, in a vaguely threatening manner.
"Okay fine lets just lets just keep quiet and talk about how marvelous this weather is. What a beautiful day to cruise back home from the hospital." I marveled, in an intentionally dull tone.
"Fineee" he sighed, "I know you won't give it a rest until we actually talk about. I'm going to give you a sixty second window to get out all your questions and concerns." He stated, sounding like a boss with a packed schedule.
"Never mind I'm good." I replied keeping a straight face. The pressures of the limited time window have erased the contents of my brain.
"Okay then, suit yourself." He relaxed, quickly closing the case without so much as a double check. I looked over at him, and indulged myself in watching him drive. Even though I have watched him perform this monotonous task countless times, I was smitten by his subtle actions on every occasion. The way he maneuvered the vehicle with just one hand stretched out in front of him, lightly gripping the wheel at the twelve o clock position, while the other hand lay casually atop the gear stick. At times when the traffic in Los Angeles could not be tamed, it was fascinating to watch his face tense up, more importantly the twitching of his jaw muscles. I could describe all his slightest movements with explicit detail all day, but my attention was immediately pulled towards Cody who let out an involuntary cry.
"What is it?" I immediately shot at him, as he once again clutched his chest, a sight that was becoming far too common, and I immediately knew his heartburn was acting up.
"Don't be mad," He winced, forcing out the words in a strained manner, "But I forgot to take the antacids this morning." The pained look on his face gave me déjà vu of the night I invited Eve over for dinner.
"Oh my God! Cody!" I was catapulted into a full-blown state of panic, largely due to the fact that Cody was maneuvering the vehicle, and could easily slip the wheel, hurtling us into oncoming traffic. His hands were now both gripping the wheel perhaps after realizing the grave danger we were in. Instinctually I grabbed the steering wheel, as he used his free hand to massage his heart, letting out painful whimpers as he did so. Meanwhile I tried to figure out if he was able to drive home the rest of distance, which was only a couple of minutes away, but the couple of minutes now seemed like a road trip to another county. Peering through the side view mirrors the road was packed with flowing traffic, and every time I gently pulled the wheel towards the curb, I was cut off by the horns of angry drivers.
"It's okay I can manage." Cody's heroics took over, as he straightened himself up in the seat, and powered through the pain, and gripped the wheel with both hands. It took me a while to believe that I was in safe hands and thus let go of the wheel.
After a nervous few minutes, which involved me holding my breath, and constantly gazing over at Cody, we finally made the familiar right turn, pulling up into the garage. Once the gate had closed itself, and shut out the daylight, we sat in the darkness that the garage offered, our mismatched breathing was the only sounds that filled the air.
I was about to take the more gentler approach and remind him to be more careful next time, but to my dismay he noisily pulled the door handle, clambered out of the SUV, shut door and walked into the house, leaving me still inside, as I processed what just happen. Of the two of us, how did he get to be the one who was mad? Clambering out of the car in a similar manner, I followed after Cody, who was long gone by now.
"Hey mom." I greeted, successfully attaining normalcy in my voice after that bizarre encounter. Her presence in the kitchen deviated my plans from confronting Cody. My mother had arrived back from Santa Maria a few days ago, and jumped at the opportunity to look after Kayla as well as keep an eye on Nathan while we were gone.
"How were they? Is Kayla feeling better now?" I asked, quite distractedly as I looked around for Cody, but the search was short-lived once I spotted him in the garden, with Nathan in one arm, as they watched Milo act his usual self, as he pranced around.
"Kayla's temp is subsiding. She will be fine tomorrow" She assured me.
"You are a real Godsend mom." I gratefully noted, but the words sounded hollow, mostly because I was fixated on Cody, as he playfully launched Nathan into the air and caught him with his large, safe hands. Looking down at my mother, who seemed comfortably burrowed in our prominently snug couch, had her attention focused elsewhere, particularly at a vintage soap opera, so I quietly shuffled away, allowing her to watch her daily dose of drama in peace.
It was quite chilly outside, but out of sheer laziness I couldn't muster the strength to convince Cody back in, so instead I used my cold palms to vigorously rub my bony arms, in a completely futile attempt to warm myself.
"Did you take the antacids now at least?" I bit my lower lip, subconsciously hoping that I didn't come across as annoying, but I failed as a vexatious look swept across my face.
"Nikki, do you know why I stormed out? So that I can avoid this." He answered himself, as he gestured his hand in circular motion in the space in front of me. I was taken aback, looking at him in perplexion. It had occurred to me that I had been slightly annoying for the past two months, but never to the point where he would snap, never to the point where he would literally run away from me.
"I'm sorry." I squeaked, sounding like a hurt animal. "I was just trying to look out for you because I'm afraid I'll lose you"
Cody's tense jaws immediately unclenched, and he used his free hand to momentarily cover his face, and then move it upwards until it combed through his hair. "No, I'm sorry." He apologized wearily. "This whole thing is obviously difficult for you, and I guess me too." He finally admitted. "Yup. It's out in the opened." He threw his sole free arm in the air, and dropped it noisily against his thigh. "Cancer sucks." He enunciated every syllable, so that the message would penetrate through my skull. But it would seem that my skull grew thicker to shield itself from any incoming thoughts, while tried to comprehend this new information that had come to light. Deep down I knew Cody would be upset and angry, but hearing it out in the open was a whole different ball game. It was a rare moment of Cody displaying signs of vulnerability, which put me right in the middle of a minefield. I had to carefully maneuver my way around this; let him know I was there for him, but in a manner that wasn't emasculating. He slowly put Nathan down, who immediately ran after the dog, leaving us two in solitary.
He rested both his hands on his waist, and bit his lower lip, the ends of his mouth curled up into a ghost of a smile.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I posed, I let out an involuntary giggle, knowing how he felt when it came to talk about his feelings. The question was moot. He shook his head slowly, his lips widened into a tight smile, as he recognized my realization.
"Okay, I get that. But if I'm bothering you again, or if there's anything on your mind, will you let me know?" At the same slow pace, he nodded. It was a completely frustrating one-sided communication moment, but I was careful not to push him again. "Okay then." I reluctantly smiled "I'm going to head back inside now" I announced, and then turned my back and walked inside, expecting to hear the crunching of grass behind me, but as I marginally turned my head, through my peripheral vision I could see a blurry Cody continue to stand in the same posture, I could feel his intent stare against my back.
The rain pelted down heavily that night, like bullets thudding against the roof of our bedroom. I always welcomed rain especially at nighttime where the gentle pitter-patter would provide the lullaby that I required to sleep. But when the rain sounded like a battlefield, it was not so much as soothing, but rather tossing and turning around, using my pillow as a feeble attempt to mimic earmuffs. But of course there was only a limited amount of time I could smother myself with the pillow before being deprived of oxygen. My agitation had managed to cause Cody to stir in his sleep, as he shifted from one side to the other, where his back was facing me. I envied Cody for being able to grab some sleep despite the terrible weather. I tried to shut my eyes for a few minutes, but it was to no avail. Lying on my back, I stared up at the ceiling, hoping that the storm would soon subside and allow me to squeeze in the number of hours that would help me in my charge to continue safeguarding my job. Fortunately I wouldn't have to be up all night with anxiety-inducing thoughts plaguing me since the downpour effectively overpowered any possible thought. Instead it just left me in a state of trance.
As hoped, the rhythmic beating that the roof had become victim to, soon grew on me, and had now switched lanes to become background sounds. Soon, my eyelids peacefully succumbed, but not for long.
"Shit!" I yelped a little too loud. I bolted upright immediately, and at once was struck by a dose of head rush. Regaining my composure, I scrambled out of bed in an unladylike manner, and quickly grabbed my thick night robe, which was lying conveniently on the armchair that stood in the corner of the bedroom.
"What?" Cody croaked. He was wise enough to slowly use his forearm to lift his upper body, and turn around until he was sat on the bed. He balled his eye with the back of his palm, and soon reached out to switch on the bedside lamp, immediately causing both of us to squint at the sudden gush of unsolicited light.
"I forgot to bring Milo inside." I blurted, now wide-awake. Hopping around frantically, my body still not properly balanced, I struggled to put on some appropriate shoes. Wrapping the robe tightly around me, I jogged out of the room, my legs quickly carried me downstairs, the commotion I created was in sync with the rumbling of thunder. I opened the front door and was unexpectedly hit by a strong gust of wind that was able spray droplets of rain on my face, despite the roof above our patio. Using my tiny palm as a shield, I pushed myself outside, but the rain immediately drenched me and I spun around one-eighty degrees, bolting right back inside. What was I thinking? Apparently I wasn't as awake as I thought I was.
"MILO!" I yelled out, trying to beat the rain "MILOOO!" My heart sank at the thought of the poor dog soaked in water, cold and miserable. The porch soon lit up, as Cody descended down the stairs and joined me outside.
"Get inside, you're going to catch a cold!" He ordered, opening up the humongous umbrella that I momentarily forgot we had lying by the door. I took a few steps back from the firing zone, while Cody soldiered on, disappearing behind the side of the house in the hunt for Milo.
I shifted from one leg to the other, pulling my robe even tighter against my body, as I waited for Cody to come back. Approximately a minute later, the first to emerge was Milo, who seemed grateful to be rescued. Once he landed into the porch, he vigorously shook his body, ridding at least 80 percent of the water off him, some of them landing back onto me.
"I'm so sorry." I apologized, getting down onto one knee, and briefly hugging him. I was already partially drenched, so might as well go for it. I barely noticed Cody, who had ushered us both inside, and shut the door. Running back up, I grabbed both a hair dryer, and a bunch of fluffy spare towels that we had stored away.
Back downstairs, I was greeted by a ridiculously wide grin courtesy of Cody, who shook his head and comically rolled his eyes. But it was fair enough; my stupidity was worth such a reaction. I piled the towels on top of Milo, and rubbed him down, repeatedly murmuring 'I'm so sorry'. After recovering from the humor set out in front of him, he decided to help me by grabbing the hair dryer, and direct the unbelievably comforting hot air at Milo, occasionally aiming some at me too.
"It's okay, I forgive you Nikki." Cody tried to impersonate a version of Milo that accepts my apology.
"But what if he never forgives me." I whine, trying to play along.
"Nikki he's a dog. I bet he's not aware that you locked him out, he's probably just grateful that you came to the rescue." He assured, missing the joke.
As soon as I deemed that Milo was dry enough, I swaddled him with a large dry blanket, creating a doggie burrito in the process, and let him to sleep more peacefully. Cody and I retired for the second time that night. This time around I was able to fall asleep despite the rain not relenting.
Later on in what seemed like an extremely long night, I experienced quite a bizarre, surrealistic dream, which involved me giving out a presentation to quite a large crowd at Bank of America. I even managed to catch a glimpse of odd indistinct faces at the meeting, whom I didn't even recognize at all. However it didn't feel like an ordinary business presentation, there seemed to be more pressure weighing on me. During the course of the presentation, where every single eye in the room was fixated on me, out of nowhere one of my premolar tooth popped out of my gum, dropped onto my tongue and flew out of my mouth as I spoke. It landed on the glass table, and bounced quite noisily, for everyone to notice, there was no escaping now. The anxiety that engulfed me felt very real, and very uncomforting. This was met with loud gasps and not-so-hushed whispers. Picking it up I slipped it into the front pocket of my blazer, while ignoring the ickiness of that move. I proceeded to shrug it off, and continue with the presentation, belting out each and every word with confidence. But that only worsened the situation, as I lost an incisor, followed by a premolar. A couple of seconds later I had one hand clutched onto my mouth, and the other holding an alarmingly large number of wet and bloodied teeth. My mouth was left with an unpleasant metallic taste, my gums sensitive from the recent loss. The room was unbearably silent, everyone's eyes boring into my skull, but my focus had shifted to Mr. Bradley Smith who strode from the back of the board room towards me, and I already knew the final verdict. My final words were a clumsy "please don't..." before I was finally salvaged from this nightmare by jolting awake into real life. My first reaction was to run my tongue along my teeth to make sure they were still intact. My flimsy white t-shirt, drenched in sweat was clung to my body, but as I progressed further into the state of wakefulness I came to find my temple throbbing with ache, along with every other joint in my body. I tried moving my head around only to feel like my brain was sliding around in the direction of the movement, giving off a dizzying sensation. Finally when I swallowed for the first time since waking, I was greeted by a painful lump in my throat, and that was the only indicator I needed to make the connection that I was suffering from the unfortunate throat infection. I groaned in frustration at the thought of the pain and discomfort heading my way for the next day or two. Not having Cody tend to me as soon as I let out the groan was the sign I needed to indicate his absence in the room, but due to my limited range of movements, I had no way of confirming this nor was I able to scope out what time it was. All I could do I was to try and steady my head onto my pillow careful not to trigger the dizziness. Feeling hopeless and paralyzed I continued to lie perfectly still waiting for someone, anyone to enter the room. It must have taken a while before Cody finally entered the room, because I vaguely remember going drifting back to sleep, and the next time I opened my eyes Cody was in the room, holding onto the emerald green towel wrapped around his waist, while the other hand reached into the large wardrobe that spanned across the entire wall on the opposite end of the bed. Clamorously sliding the hangers through the metal bar as he scavenged for a shirt, I tried to project out my voice, but all that I was able to produce, was a groggy inhuman sound. Apparently it wasn't loud enough to grab Cody's attention.
"Cody...I don't...feel well." I tried again once I cleared my throat, this time the words much more clearer, but still groggy.
"Hmm?" He whipped around. His confused faced indicated that he didn't quite catch what I said. I repeated the line again, the clarity in my voice almost there.
"Oh no." His eyes widened in dismay. Still clutching onto the towel around his waist, he walked around to my bedside, and placed his cold, still wet, hand on my forehead, then moving to down to feel my arm. His entire palm was able to wrap around the full circumference of my upper arm. The coolness of his touch was extremely comforting given the hot flushes that pulsated throughout my body.
"Crap, it was probably because I was out in the rain last night." I theorized, my voice coming off quite deep, and masculine. I once again tensed my body to prepare itself for the extreme discomfort, and cleared my throat a couple more times. "I guess I should call-off work today." I voiced aloud the all too obvious. Pulling of the covers in a slow manner, I reached over, a throaty groan escaping through my lips. Cody gratefully gripped my arm in an attempt to halt me, and then gently pushed me back until I sunk back into the plush pillows, the room still spinning just from leaning a fraction out of bed, it was in that moment I knew I was in for a rough day of doing completely nothing, I would have to lie in bed and watch twenty-four plus hours of life agonizingly stride pass me.
"I'll let the office know that you're feeling a little under the weather." He offered.
"I think a little is quite an understatement. I feel horrible." I bemoaned, failing to use more accurate words to describe how I was currently feeling. Cody's only possible reaction was scrunching his mouth to one side, a look of empathy flashed in his eyes.
"Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want me to take you to the doctor? I mean it's not like I don't go to the hospital every day." He smirked.
I smiled weakly, and very slightly shook my head, pressing my lips firmly against each other.
"Then ...um...do you want me to sneak in there and cuddle for a while?" He asked pointing at the empty space beside me. I smiled even wider, but repeated the shake of the head. The prospect of being able to lay my head against Cody's chest, inhaling the intoxicating smell of his musky body cologne was too enticing, but the last thing I wanted to do was infect Cody with such torment as well.
He scratched the back of his head, running out of options in an attempt to console me. Feeling guilty for shoving some of my burden into his hands, I decided to relieve him, "It's fine, I'll just grab a couple more hours of sleep," allowing him to go back to dressing himself, a sight that I would be able to enjoy had I been able to keep my eyes open. Even so my vision would end up being obscured by floating white orbs, which lead to dizziness and subsequently lead back to me shutting my eyes, the white orbs still lingering against the blackness.
"Okay then, if you need anything, do not hesitate to call me okay." He stressed on 'anything' so that it covered a broad range of ridiculous little helpful activities. "Oh who am I kidding," he said with a hint of retortion, "even if there were zombies banging down the front door, you wouldn't call me, but make it your personal mission to fight them off." He pointed out, his voice strained as he stretched his neck upwards, his face angled towards the ceiling as he smoothly slid the knot of his tie up, until it settled at the front band of his collar. His knowledge regarding my personality was too deep there was no going back, I was completely exposed.
"What about lunch though?" He asked, "you need some energy if you ever plan on getting back on your feet" he advised me, standing before me now sharply dressed.
"I'll figure it out, when it's time for lunch. Now shoo, go do your...lawyer thing." I hurried him, waving my hand lifelessly to usher him out so that I could jump back into my sleep and temporarily block out the discomfort.
"Alright babe, I'll see you later. I'll check in on Kayla as well" My eyes darted open to find Cody already bending down on my face, kissing the top of my head. "I'll bring you a couple of aspirin right now, so don't fall asleep." He instructed, already halfway to the door. But his words didn't clearly register in my head as I dozed off right after the door clicked to a close.