Luce's eyes were fixed on the door when I walked in, showing that she had been waiting for someone. "Jan, is she okay?" And apparently that someone was me.
I nodded. "For the most part. She won't be walking around or anything for a while, Sara is taking care of her though. I offered, but Dev was afraid it would 'throw off my game' and that since she wasn't 'using your bar in the intended ways' anymore that she didn't want me helping her out because I am 'the only one left who can rescue women from a night of disappointment'." Honestly, I was pretty sure it was none of that and that she just wanted to be with Sara for a while, which I had no problem with.
"Really? She thinks you're a savoir of women in this bar? I think in the entire time I've known you, you've gone home with three women from my bar. I mean, you're definitely great to look at," she winked and my stomach flipped, but I tried to act nonchalant, "but you don't take enough initiative to sweep these women off their feet. So maybe the token cute puppy of the bar, but I'm not so sure about savior."
"Watch yourself, Luce, you may end up finding out just how good at this I am."
She bit her lip seductively, "Is that a promise?" Oh no, What had I gotten myself into? I couldn't even stutter out an answer before she straightened up and said, "Thought so. So Sara is taking care of Dev now? Big step, Dev letting anyone but you around her for purposes that include clothes."
"I know, it's so strange not having to be the one to take care of her all the time. What am I going to do with all this free time?"
"Oh, I don't know, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Or you can spend all your money and time here." Luce offered. "I could always use the extra cash dads spend when they realize their kids don't need them anymore."
I rolled my eyes, "Sorry, but I'm going to have to turn down the offer to lose all my money here, I'm looking at buying a new camera."
"Another one?"
I shrugged. "It's what I wanna do, I have to have all different kinds."
"You never take pictures of me." She said, giving me a fake pouting face.
I obviously couldn't tell her that she was too beautiful for any camera, no matter the price, to capture, so I just mumbled something about how she never asked before drinking from the beer in front of me.
I stayed for an hour or so, but the bar got steadily busier and Luce had to pay less attention to me, so I decided it was my time to go home. Once I was home, I hopped onto the computer, as per usual, and started editing my photos from a few days before. Some of them were of myself, candids of friends, things from around the city, a little bit of everything. And then I picked a couple of favorites and decided to upload them to social media, my tumblr to be precise. I had a photography tumblr and a personal one, and both of them had a link to each other in case people were interested in seeing the other.
First I uploaded a few of the Puget Sound that I had visited a few days ago, a couple of Pike's Place Market (including the infamous gum wall and fish sailing over the crowd's head), and my favorites were a series of me, which was strange because I don't think I've ever liked a picture of myself, let alone three.
They were all black and white and all of me either nude or in only my boxers, though none of them showed anything. I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of my body, which was generally why I didn't like pictures of myself. I hadn't met many people who loved their bodies though, Devon was one of the few, but at least they all had reasons. Too much fat, not enough muscle, size of their hips, the way their legs looked, some reason. For me, it was a little harder to place. Sure, I could give names to a few, I didn't like my hips, but why? I wasn't sure. Probably because magazines told me not too, honestly. Plenty of other people like my body, and that's what mattered, truly the important thing.
The first was of me holding my arm up and flexing my muscles and half of my face. It was too high up to even see the curve of my breast, just the strength in my arm and shoulder and the fierceness in my eye. The second was almost the opposite. I was in a pair of plaid boxers and my arms were crossed over my chest, I remembered pressing down pretty firmly and checking to make sure I was completely covered. Staying in shape had helped me keep my chest relatively small, a C, and it wasn't hard to do some minor edits to the picture to fix it up the way I wanted. The picture stopped just below my chin, showing off my tight stomach and collar bones and defined muscles.
And the last picture? By far my favorite.
It was a full body picture of my naked self, but I was facing away from the camera so that all that could be seen was my ass, spectacular back, legs, and freshly cut hair. It was almost as short as a buzz on the back and sides with a little more on the top. I was standing in front of a window (I had made sure to use the window facing y backyard at 11 in the morning on a Tuesday, when all my neighbors were at work) and the light was streaming in and onto me. I was leaning against the wall, a coffee mug in my hand with steam still coming from it.
If I had to be completely honest, I would have thought it was a man.
The hair, the strong back muscles, the few curves. Of course my hips were wider than most men, but there were plenty of men with wider hips (Chris Pratt for example) my ass didn't have a particularly feminine look to it either.
I didn't mind, I had been mistaken for a man plenty of times throughout my life, it was just a normal thing, no big deal, that didn't take away from my love of this picture. If anything it added to it. Something special about me being able to look like this, even when I didn't see it looking at myself, as an outsider I saw a man. And there was something enticing about that. Something that didn't have a name and couldn't be described. I just liked it. It was a good photo.
The pictures were uploaded quickly, and with only a little hesitation I reblogged them onto my personal blog as well. I did this sometimes, not often, but with pictures I was very proud of.
Minutes later a little notification popped up, saying I had a message.
I almost didn't check it. Lately I'd been getting more "Hi, Darling, I Saw Your Cool Blog And I Think You Could Help Me With My New Video Game, If You Could Just Go To My Blog And Click On The Link It Would Be Appreciated!" bullshit messages trying to give my computer some form of virus. It had become quite tiring and my enthusiasm for seeing a message had run dry after realizing I seemed to only get these.
But I checked anyways, because I had to delete it.
Instead I saw something else.
"Hey man! Those pictures look great! I was wondering what your workout routine is like? I started hormones not long ago and I'm looking to build up some serious muscle now! If you've got any advice I'd love to hear it!"
What the hell?
Hormones?
What did that have to do with muscles?
In fact, what did hormones have to do with anything?
And who the hell started hormones? Is that something I was supposed to do but the doctor didn't give it to me?
I clicked on his URL, curious to see if I could get any more information. And there it was, right in his description.
"Hi everyone! My name is Koda! I'm a transguy living in Seattle, I started T about a month ago (wow, in a month that's going to be kind of dated isn't it? I should probably put the date up instead, huh?) If you guys have any questions, feel free to shoot me a message!"
Transguy? Of course I'd heard of trans people, I mean, there was the queen Laverne Cox in Orange is the New Black, I wasn't living under a rock, I guess it had just never occurred to me that there would be everyday people who were so open about it, let alone that I'd ever get a message. And T? What did that even mean?
This called for google.
Of course typing in "What is T" in google brought me to things like, "T is the twentieth letter in the alphabet" Some thread on reddit about a gay hookup app and someone asking it if was talking about drugs, and it being internet slang for a side smile (:T I guess? I'd never seen it before) so it wasn't exactly helpful. We were going to need more keywords.
"Transgender T".
And bam.
First Wikipedia article was Hormone Replacement Therapy (female-to-male).
I did some brief research, basic finding out about hormones. I had never looked it up before, it had never even occurred to me, I didn't really think about how trans people went through their transition, honestly I didn't care, it didn't affect me. I was too busy imagining what it would be like to fuck Alex instead of thinking about how Sophia's Estrogen affected her and how it worked for trans men who needed to take Testosterone. And now I had gotten a message from someone, prompting me to do a google search, and of course I was interested in finding out more. I had nothing else to do and it seemed interesting enough, at least for five minutes of looking it up.
Testosterone was a hormone, both men and women have it, but it was predominantly a male one I guess? Women have lower doses than men. So, transgender men would take this, often as a shot, to make their voice deeper, get an Adam's Apple, assist in hair growth, and interestingly enough, it would also redistribute fat from the hips to the stomach (and a few other places but this seemed to be the big one) and made it easier to build muscle. It also increased your hunger and sex drive (along with the size of certain body parts in their lower region. The clit would grow to about one to two inches. It didn't become like a full on penis or anything, they couldn't pee out of it or anything, but I thought it was still pretty cool).
So that was why Koda had asked about workouts and building muscle.
Huh.
I went back to tumblr and typed back a response, detailing what I did at the gym and at home and all that. And then I asked about him. What he did, where he was in Seattle, that kind of thing. I was ashamed to admit it, but Dev and a few people from class were really my only good friends, and perhaps it was time to branch out a little bit. We could always use more friends, right? And nobody had messaged me like this over tumblr before, so maybe it was a sign? Get out of your comfort zone?
We went back and forth for a while, using the fan mail system because it was easier to write long messages and I had to worry less about forgetting to make my answer private.
And after a an hour or so, he asked me a question.
"Hey, so I don't want to be the asshole who assumes, but what are your pronouns?"
I blinked in surprise, I hadn't ever been asked that before. Usually everyone just assumed or figured it out, I suppose it had something to do with being online and nude pictures that didn't show much of my face but also made me look androgynous. "No worries, I'm a girl." I answered.
"Okay, cool, but like, your pronouns. Do you use she/her? They/them? Different ones?"
And that's how I found out gender and pronouns had nothing to do with each other.
"Uh, she/her I guess. What do you mean they/them? Isn't that for like, not knowing the gender of a person? Like the pizza delivery person drove up and the rang the doorbell?"
"Yeah, it's used for that too, but like, if you don't identify as strictly man or woman and you don't want to go by he/him or she/her, then they/them is good too. There are other pronouns, and tons of other genders. That's why I asked about your pronouns first, because I'm not going to call you girl, I'm going to call you she, ya know? And asking about someone's gender can be kind of invasive if you don't know them well enough or if they're not really up for talking about it. Plus, plenty of people just like different pronouns, even if they aren't typically associated with their gender."
Scratch that. This was how I found out that pronouns and gender had nothing to do with each other. And that there was more than just man and woman. What an interesting day it had been for me.
So I asked his pronouns, figuring that if he wasn't going to assume about me I wouldn't assume about him, and he came back saying that he liked using he/him, so that's what I used.
We talked for a couple days before exchanging numbers and eventually setting up a meeting. Public place, nobody was going to get mugged or kidnapped in a dark alley.
We met on a Saturday afternoon in the coffee shop Dev had met Caleb. I ordered a coffee and sat down in a chair by the window and waited patiently for him, I was fifteen minutes early, as always. Thankfully, Koda wasn't far behind me, five minutes later the man I'd seen a few pictures of online walked in.
He gave me a big goofy grin, "Jan, right? You haven't been here long, have you? Did I get the time wrong?"
I stood up and shook his hand, both of us with equally firm grips. "I've only been here for a few minutes actually, and no, I'm just always early." I laughed nervously.
"Don't worry about it, as my mother always said, 10 minutes early is on time and being on time is late."
"My mom used to say that too." I said, cracking an actual smile.
"Alright, I'm gonna go grab a drink and I'll be right back okay?" I gestured to the counter with his thumb and I nodded and sat back down.
He came back with a mug of coffee and we kind of sat there, both awkwardly trying to think of a good topic to talk about, when he finally said, "So nice muscles you got there."
I laughed so loud that people from tables away jumped and looked over at us with wide, surprised eyes. When I finally stopped laughing enough to say something I said, "Thanks, lots of pushups."
"To be honest, when I first saw you I thought you were a trans guy. It's really hard for cis women to build muscle like that, normally it's not that defined because their hormone levels just don't make it appear like that. I'm not saying they're any less strong or anything, but it usually just looks different and isn't quite so defined unless they do some unhealthy stuff. Like most pictures you see of cis women with abs have starved themselves for a day at least before those pictures because the body is set up to have a layer of fat over their stomach. That's why I reached out to you actually, cause I thought you might have been a trans guy, especially with the picture with your arms crossed over your chest that high, a lot of us use the pose for shirtless pictures." He laughed. His voice was deeper than I expected it to be, but not really deep, at least not yet. And occasionally I heard a slight crack in his voice. Then again, he was going through puberty all over.
"My blood tests have come back with higher Testosterone levels than most women, which may have something to do with it. The doctor's keep trying to put me on medication for it, increased hair growth and stuff, but I don't really care. I mean I'm going to be shaving my legs and stuff anyways, so who really cares? I don't think I do anything too extreme in my workouts." I felt a little bit of satisfaction at hearing he thought I had been a man, even a trans man. (HELLO THIS IS YOUR AUTHOR AND SAYING THIS IS TOTALLY NOT COOL, THIS IS JUST COMING FROM THIS CHARACTERS UNEDUCATED WAY OF THOUGHT AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY. PLEASE NEVER SAY EVEN A TRANS MAN BECAUSE TRANS MEN ARE STILL 100% MEN, WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT MEN YOU SHOULD NEVER SEPARATE TRANS MEN FROM THEM, AND THE SAME GOES FOR TRANS WOMEN. WHEN YOU SAY 'EVEN A TRANS----' YOU IMPLY THAT THEY ARE LESS OF THAT GENDER BECAUSE OF THEIR TRANSNESS WHICH IS NOT TRUE. SO PLEASE DON'T TRY AND SAY THAT LIKE IT MAKES YOU COOL AND PROGRESSIVE BECAUSE AS A TRANS PERSON WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SAY STUFF LIKE THAT IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM SEEN AS LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE OF THE GENDER I WAS ASSAIGNED AT BIRTH. SO. CONCLUSION. THIS CHARACTER IS SPEAKING LIKE THIS BECAUSE THIS IS THEIR EDUCATION, THIS IS WHAT THEY THINK IS OKAY RIGHT NOW, I AM TELLING YOU IT IS NOT OKAY, YOU NOW KNOW BETTER THAN THIS CHARACTER AND CAN AVOID SAYING THIS. I AM WRITING THIS BOOK TO HELP EDUCATE CIS PEOPLE ON TRANS ISSUES AND ALSO GIVE TRANS PEOPLE A BOOK TO READ WITH CHARACTERS THEY IDENTIFY WITH AND FUCK IT I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK WITH A CHARACTER I IDENTIFY WITH, BUT I THOUGHT I'D THROW THIS IN SO YOU DON'T ALL START SAYING IT BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'S OKAY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT. SO. GO FORTH. CONTINUE TO READ. SORRY.) After all, while it hadn't been the point of the pictures? I still liked that fact, it was like acting, I got to make other people believe for a minute I was someone else. Who doesn't like that?
"Yeah, that could definitely be part of it, if you have high T levels. I've started working out and I can already say I can feel the difference, I can't see it yet, but I'm able to do bigger weights and stuff, it feels so great. I've started some of the stuff you do for your routine, makes me sore after but definitely feels good knowing I can do it." He laughed again and then said, "So how long have you lived here?"
I shrugged, "Not long actually. My best friend came here and I just tagged along. I'm going to school, I'm majoring in Environment and Forest Science with a minor in Photography."
"Environment and Forest Science? What is that? What are you doing with that?" Koda asked, leaning forward curiously.
"It's about biodiversity, environmental science, natural resources, all of that. And I'm going to be a Wildlife Manager I think. I'll be helping animals that way. I'll be making sure that populations are stable, I'll make sure that their habitats are good and they have plenty of food and water. I'll even make sure hunting is done in a way that's good for the eco system, that they don't get overhunted or anything like that. That kind of thing. I want to be out in nature a lot, you know? Helping out animals and the environment."
"Wow that's so cool! You definitely came to the right place, Washington state is full of this kind of thing! It's really a great place to be, I think you're gonna just fall madly in love with it." He smiled with his head cocked slightly to the side. It was cute, for a guy at least. He reminded me of a puppy, excited and eager.
"I'm actually from Oregon, which has a lot of nature stuff too, but I like Seattle better. I mean, there's so much more here. I think I can really make this place a home, you know? And it rains more here, which I love."
"Oh it's my favorite kind of weather, definitely one of the nice things about it here." He took a sip from his drink.
"So what about you? Are you going to school?"
He nodded, and like all his actions it was excited, "Yeah, I'm actually doing the whole double major thing. Bioengineering and Sociocultural Anthropology."
Wait, what? This puppy was doing Bioengineering and sociowhat? He must have noticed my shock because he laughed again. His laugh was deep and slightly rough, I could tell he did it a lot.
"Bioengineering is about working on medicine, microorganism and cell engineering, image therapy, basically everything in the field except for actually administering medication. And one of my history teachers in high school introduced me to Sociocultural Anthropology. It's the study of societies and cultures and their histories and how they affect each other. That's a really dumbed down version of it, but I wouldn't want to more you." Another sweet smile before he continued, "My teacher actually had a major in it and since I was one of the only people who showed up to afterschool study sessions, he taught me about it. So I decided I wanted to get into it. In the long run I'll get a job in Bioengineering, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do because right now I want to do it all, but I want to learn about Anthropology. I think it's interesting, and that's why we should go to school, to learn about things we want to learn about."
"Yeah, I mean, that's why I'm doing these majors, I'm interested in the environment and I love photography. I guess I just didn't see you doing majors like that is all." I admitted.
"Most people don't." He didn't seem offended, if anything I think I saw his grin widen a little more. "Most people think I'd be interested in something a little more creative, but that's the thing, I think these are very creative. Bioengineering as all about solving problems and have you seen chemicals and microorganisms under a microscope? It's the most beautiful art I've ever seen in the world. And people, people are art all on their own, and studying what makes them tick and what makes us the same and what makes us different? I love it."
"You really have a lot of passion for this stuff." I was beginning to see that about this guy, and it was something I liked. I liked passion, it was one of the things I loved about Dev, every time she walked into the kitchen I could visibly see her relax and her eyes lost that hardness they usually had to them. And Luce, she loved her bar more than anything, and she loved working there. And Koda had that same passion.
"I do. And I'm so happy with my classes and all that. Things are clicking into place, you know?"
I didn't know, not then. But I would soon enough.
We talked for a while that day, about college and future plans and I talked about Luce. We even made plans to go to a fair that was about 45 minutes away in a couple days, he convinced me to invite Luce, I only said I'd do it if I we invited some more people so she wouldn't know I was interested. He was less on board with that part of the plan, but accepted it. Dev would still be recovering from her accident, so I doubted she'd actually be able to come, but I was going to invite her anyways.
By the time I left Koda was on my short list of close friends. We exchanged numbers so we wouldn't have to deal with tumblr's shitty messaging system. I invited him to come to the bar later, but he didn't have a fake ID which meant he would only be able to go on Thursday's when it was an under 21 night. He of course wouldn't be able to drink, but while Dev was out of commission, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with.
His contact photo was a picture of a puppy.
-------------------
Hey hey hey!!! Meet Koda you guys! I'm thinking he looks a bit like that photo at the top, but maybe a little different of course. He's a trans guy, he's a cutie, he's so much fun, and he's really smart, and basically you want him on your friends list. Super supportive and overall good guy and DEFINITELY like a puppy, very excited and happy and in love with the world. Little cinnamon roll.
Koda is trans, I'm not going to talk about his dead name (the name he had before Koda) and I'm not going to talk about the size of his chest and I'm not going to talk about his anatomy in feminine way. Does that make sense? Like his chest will never be breasts or anything. And his downstairs will never be the female idea of what is below the belt but always referred to in masculine ways. (Children cover your ears now, honestly though if you can't handle a couple curse words here and there then you may not want to get too into it, because while they don't curse all the time they are adults and it comes out you know?) Anyways, Koda will talk about his dick, because that's what it is, no matter the shape or what you typically associate with bodies because Koda is the only one who decides what his body is. And it is a man's body, so please keep that in mind.
The only reason I've talked about certain things about him and plan to talk about certain things, like how far he is on Testosterone and that sort of thing, is because it plays a part in Riley's story. Because he is on the path of finding out himself, and Koda is important in that and in his education. Riley is introduced to a transgender person (Note here, transgender is an adjective, never a noun, so saying something like, "Riley met a transgender" or "Riley is a transgender" is like saying "That person has a purple", a purple what? So you would say, "Riley met a transgender person/man/woman" Or "Riley is a transgender man" Though he would prefer if you just said, "Riley is a man.") and when he starts getting to know Koda it's the first time he sees trans people as a reality and not an abstract idea. Now it's someone he knows. Which is important. And Koda is the reason he begins looking into these things, why he googles Testosterone and how his journey continues. It's important to Riley's story that I give some information about Koda. That being said, never assume people are okay with handing out this information. Ever. There are many people who feel super gross and uncomfortable talking about stuff like this. Luckily, there are tons of people and websites online who are okay with this! My suggestion, first look up information, such as Riley did, know he knows the basic idea of Testosterone, later he can ask Koda if he's okay with talking about it, and if Koda says yes he can get more information through him. But a trans person is never your encyclopedia! If you want to know, you have to take the initiative and look up some stuff yourself, you can't expect us to know everything. Honestly it can be tiring and really uncomfortable for us. Also, some questions to never ever ask! "What's in your pants?" "Do you have a *inappropriate question about my anatomy*?" "Have you have the surgery?" "Are you on hormones?" "What is your dead/birth name?" (This is the name trans people had before they picked a new one that felt more right, some people don't do this and stick with their original name, some people get new ones) "So are you really------?" I am really what I tell you I am. Riley says he's a man, he is really a man, that's the end of the sentence, no qualifiers, no explanations, none of that. "How do you have sex?" When we start having sex with each other I'll let you know. And there are a bunch of other, maybe some of my trans readers will comment with some questions they really don't like hearing? Basically, good rule of thumb, if you won't ask your cisgender friend (meaning your not trans friend) that question, don't ask you trans friend that question. You don't ask your cis friend Mike how he pees, so don't ask you trans friend Dave how he pees.
I don't think I mentioned this here yet, but don't call Riley his dead name, the only reason I use it in this story is because he hasn't found out, the thing is that we know. In Cravings he came out to Dev, I have told you, we know. This takes place in the past, we all know his real name and his real gender, Riley and male. When I see comments that mention his dead name I get kind of uncomfortable. Kind of really uncomfortable. Like I've said, Riley is loosely based on me (The basic idea is the same and I use some anecdotes that are mine) and seeing you use his dead name makes me think you'd use mine, so please take your friendly trans friend in mind when you write your comments.
Alright, so Wattpad closed out on me and I can't remember what else I said other than I'm trying to move a little quickly through this because there's a lot more story after Devon's, and that's what I want to write, so I'm really just bringing up important parts until then. Koda is a very important part.
I hope you liked him as much as I do. I'm trying to think about where I want this story to go, and I think I have what I want to happen planned, but it could change. But right now, I like the ending I have.
Please comment, I like hearing what you guys think! Feel free to message me whenever you have questions or what to talk privately or anything, I love talking to you all. Have fun reading and thanks again.
-Nikolai