And then it was later. Impossible to tell how later, of course. There were a number of milestones along the way- suns moving, rainstorms coming, meals eaten. Conversations were had. People watched me. I tried not to keep tallies in my head. But it was a week before I was allowed out of bed.
However, I didn't actually get out of bed for another three days. I was feeling really- terrible, I guess. Weird. Unbalanced? I couldn't quite describe it. I guess the closest thing I had was 'not myself.'
And why?
No reason, really. No reason at all.
I lay in melancholy on someone else's bed, content to barely move and never think. Until, of course, I heard those faithful words, those fighting words, the only motivation I had left:
"Michael will be seeing you soon."
And that is how I knew I had to get out of bed, and I had to get moving. I didn't trust Michael with up keeping his image properly.
So when Cassiel left me alone, I stood up faster than I ought have and stumbled to the floor with head rush. I thought I had recovered from whatever feeling had overtaken me a week prior, but honestly, I couldn't be sure when I'd get better. I wasn't better now though. That became obvious to me immediately.
I was barely dressed, dizzy and driven by a feeling of fight or flight. I was on the first floor of the Church building and I shoved everyone who stood in my way to the floor as I ran outside. There was maybe a commotion behind me because of this, but I was in combat mode. Words meant nothing. Only the actions of the enemy had to be seen and acted upon- never thought about.
But these were not my enemies. These were my brothers. And I was not quite aware of any of them at that moment. It was raining hard, a cold drizzle that smashed against my head and froze my feet.
I ran. And then I ran some more. I just kept running, really. But I was not in a state for it, not at all, and when I fell to the ground I thought I was still standing, still running.
Someone had pinned me down, something sharp was on my back. Someone else came to pick my face off the ground. Someone else rolled me onto my back. Now I wasn't running. I was breathing. Still fast though. Still breathing.
I didn't know these people. What was I doing here, in the rain? Why was I in this community of ruined houses? Who were these people? Why did they matter to me? These were not my brothers. I did not have any brothers.
I was lifted, again, by a girl that I did not know. I was stiff, but not stirring. Breathing, though- she checked my pulse to confirm. She was frowning. I wasn't really sure how I could see her mouth to confirm, but no, she was definitely frowning.
Another man I didn't know stood nearby her, and he looked at me carefully. Frowning too. He brushed my wet hair out of my face. His fingers traced my forehead carefully, actually, almost like he was looking for something to pull at and remove, like a tick.
I watched his mouth for a long time before I realized I did know what he was saying. "Fever. He is ill. He is sick. Do we have any medication in storage? We'll need some."
And the girl said. "We don't. He isn't. He is fine. He hasn't been ill at all. No medication. He is fine."
I didn't comprehend their words for a long time after I understood them, of course.
I was placed in a bed, same one from before. Still a bit warm, I thought, though the rainwater off my skin soon fixed that.
"Nichael." The man asked me. He sat on my bed, taking up my leg space.
"Michael." I said.
"Yes." He said.
I wasn't sure either of us understood what was being said. He placed a hand on my head and left it there.
"How are you doing."
"Michael." I said again.
The man leaned over closer. "Are you okay?" He asked, and for the first time I realized he had been speaking in questions.
"I want to go home."
"This is your home." He reminded me. But I did not know this place, or this man. I couldn't word it to him though. Couldn't explain a thing on my mind. I just knew things. Things I didn't need to know, and shouldn't have ever learned.
"What happened to you, out in the woods?" He asked me.
"A demon knew me."
He seemed lost in thought for a long time, but I knew it had only been a few seconds. I knew how time worked, no matter what I tried to pretend.
"Look, what demons are is none of our business. Their business is something you will never have to pay mind to, Nichael."
"Michael-"
"You kill when you need to. That is the most divine existence I can think of. Death on demand. A war divided perfectly between the home front and the offensive. The demons must die, and we must live. But you can't quite object to their viewpoint either- it is perfect, Nichael."
"Michael-"
"What a demon says is nothing to base your world on. That is my job." The man said. "But of course, to be honest-"
"Stop it." I said. "I don't want to know a thing."
He watched me. I did the same to him. He rarely had looked so serious. "How would you like me to address this issue? I can't exactly let you rot in this bed. But I can't fell you either. You either have to die or recover."
"Tell me a story." I said, without really thinking about it.
He made a sort of click with his tongue. "I'm good at that, stories, you know. Always have been." His hand, ever present on my forehead, moved to stroke my hair.
"Think of it like this- Think of everything like this, if you will:
Once upon a time, and place I suppose, a mother lived with her children. Her name was Luce, and she loved each of her sons equally. She was at the center of the universe, of course, while her sons orbited about. Sometimes they were far away, sometimes they were closer- the universe is like an egg in shape, you know.
All of her sons were too far for her to really reach to, so everyday Luce did her best to bring them closer and closer to her, and to the center that she lived in. In this way, many of her sons joined her in the center of the universe.
But Luce and the sons were not alone. The sons were bright beacons in the velvet of space, but in every which way there could be found strange and dangerous creatures of all sorts. Comets, asteroids and barren planetoids all would try to attack the sons, but Luce's love protected them, burning the attackers with the light she had blessed them with.
But there were other beings in space. Dark matter filled every gap, always hiding out of sight and waiting to sap at the sons strength. And sometimes black holes would appear, killing Luce's sons completely.
Luce mourned the loss of each of her children dearly, but she knew she always had more to love and nurture. She grieved, but never excessively.
As time went on, however, more and more of Luce's children died. And in their place came more and more evil beings. Luce continued to draw her children close to keep them protected, but there was nothing she could do to keep the ones further from her from harm.
When one of her sons began to get consumed with dark matter and poisoned from within, Luce had no choice but to turn him into stardust. They were scared of this, and indeed, many of them grew fearful of her. They didn't love their mother anymore. But she always loved them, and she only turned them to stardust to save them- she could have destroyed them if she wanted to.
And all this, I suppose, has been set up for this little tale- Once, a son of hers wandered off path. He had been like all his brothers at first, and his name was- was N- Non. Non was his name.
Non had no choice in his life. It had been the universe itself, perhaps, that had moved his galaxy off course. Or perhaps it had been the dark matter- pushing him subtly, away from his mother and away from his destiny.
No matter how it happened, Non found himself in a place in the universe no son should ever have to be. Off course and alone, dark matter and stardust flocked to him in curiosity. They were lost too, not part of the murderous flock that had killed so many of his brothers.
And one day, a piece of dark matter came to Non and asked him this- "I am dark matter, and you are a star. But aren't we still both matter? Are you not my brother?"
Non was confused. "I am a son of Luce, a vessel of light. I burn bright from my mother's love and protection. You are the of the lowest form of existence. We are not alike."
"I am dark matter, and you are a star. But aren't still both alive?"
Non was angry. "I am alive because my mother loves me. I have a goal in life: to join her in the center of the universe. I have brothers to support me, and a life to live. You are not alive, because you have nothing to live for."
"I am dark matter, and you are a star. But if I was a star too, would you be speaking to me like this?"
Non was worried. "We are not the same. Because you are dark matter, and I am a star."
But he began to doubt, all the same. Because the dark matter had found him at his weakest- outside of his mother's reach.
As he continued to drift, Non grew more and more worried. He began to shine less brightly as he allowed more dark matter to surround him.
But then Non drifted back on course, and the dark matter had to leave him before Luce struck them down.
Now, with his mother again, Non was happy. But the doubt the dark matter had placed on his head were starting to weigh him down, and his brothers could all see he was giving off very little light since he had drifted.
So Luce took him aside and spoke to him.
"Son, soon you will join me in the center of the universe. You used to love me. Where has it gone?"
And Non looked to Luce and shielded his eyes. "Mother, I am scared." He said. "Because I am alive, and so are the dark matter. Yet we destroy them with our light without a thought. I am scared because I am not sure if I want to join you anymore."
But then Luce said. "There is no need to worry. My love is unconditional, as is my protection. Nothing dark can bother you as long as you stay near. You will come around soon."
So Non agreed to stay close. And he did as told. And he felt Luce's love for him. But the worries, even as they began to burn off him, still created anxiety. And even when the last doubt had been erased, something else was hanging him down-
The dark matter had corrupted his soul, burrowed deep into his iron heart. And there it had grown and woven itself, filling up his core and destroying him from the inside out.
And the dark matter, dragon that it was, sometimes spoke to him, and whispered words against Luce. And then the dragon would tell him it's words were his desires and his wills.
And so Non became corrupt, nothing more than a vassal for a dragon of darkness. The part of him that still shone was running out of energy, and indeed, soon Non would erupt into a nova and fade into darkness forever.
Luce was not blind. She knew something was wrong with her son. So she sat him down one day, and told him one thing: he must learn to love again, and burn away his dragon heart, or she would have no choice but to extinguish him forever. He was beyond stardust.
And what, Nichael, do you think Non did then?"
And I said, "My name is Michael."
"You asked for a story. But I am the one telling the lies here. You're meant to play along." He watched me with his eyes almost closed. If it wasn't for the occasional flicker of movement under his eyelid, I wouldn't even know he had them open.
"You're a natural storyteller." I told the man. "Was that off the top of your head?"
"Of course. I view everything as a story. But please, Nichael, play. Did Non want to live or die?"
"Non isn't real."
"It's a story. You asked for one. Would you rather sleep?"
"No. I'd like you to finish your story."
"Then how about this-
Non was unreachable. Driven by the dark matter in his heart, he couldn't be trusted with his own fate. So Luce was driven to chose for him. She felt a great deal of pity, of course, as she hated for any harm to come to any of her children. So she waited, at first.
And then she asked Non this:
"Do you trust me?"
And Non, of course, still had a core of love left in him. So he said-"
"Absolutely not." I interrupted. It was almost fun to watch the man squirm when I spoke, but I was really too lucid to enjoy it much. "He said- no. Because you, Luce, are just like me. Just like everyone else. You kill, they kill, I kill, we kill. You are just another black hole, but you sit in the center of the universe and pretend you are the most important."
The man rolled his eyes when I laughed. "I can see now that you are too ill to think about what mask you wear. I am not an idiot, believe it or not. I am not blind to the doubts that have consumed you as of late, nor do I lack the knowledge of what you're going through. You tried to repress too much information, and it came back in overflow. You were forced to be deprogrammed and the job was never finished."
"I'm not an idiot either." I said. "That story was paper thin with your intentions."
"You asked me not to be frank with you, and I spoke my mind in a way more suited to someone stuck in a childish state of mind." He sighed. "I don't doubt you. I think you're acting tougher than you are. I think you're trying to scare me, make me nervous. But you want to stay in Heaven, right? You want to come back."
"More than anything." I said. I tried to play it down with a sort of half-shrug, but I found myself unable to move.
He laughed a bit. "It's going to be hard, but you know how much I believe in you. If I could, I'd die for you- all of you. I don't think anyone really understands me. Not even my brothers, you know?"
I was quiet for a moment. "I want to believe in you too." He laughed again. It would have been infectious if I had more of a heart. "You know what Gabriel is always saying about me? He's always like- 'Michael, you fall in love with every person you meet. You're never going to be happy until you find someone who loves you back.' But you love me, don't you? The angels- they all love me, don't they?
He looked at me, and for a moment I saw worry flash across his face. Then it was gone again. He was waiting for me to speak for a long time, then he laughed again. "They do, don't they?"
End of part two