Chapter Seventeen
If there was one thing on this planet that I hated almost as much as touching, it was surprises. It didn't matter in what form they came, pleasant or unpleasant, you were left in the dark.
Opening presents in front of the people that gifted them to you left you unprepared. Did you have to fake a smile because they knitted you a hideous pair of socks? Or could you genuinely grin because they bought you that CD you wanted? Simple things like that - I hated them. Perhaps it wasn't so much the surprise itself that scared me, but being unable to predict what the unknown held in store.
My first experience of that was when my mother had walked into the kitchen a few weeks after my tenth birthday. She had a look on her face I had never seen before. The woman was constantly upbeat with a sparkling smile and those bright green eyes that I had inherited from her twinkling. Even on the bleakest of days, her mood would never falter. She was one of those people that when faced with a problem, would only seek the positive aspects and the ways to work around it, never once dwelling on the negatives.
When she sat down at the table with an uncharacteristically grim expression on her face, I had no idea what to do. She had always been the one I turned to with my problems but I'd never cast a thought about who my mother would turn to when she faced her own. Was it supposed to be me? Surely it was my father. Then again, he hadn't been home for the last few weeks. Was that what this was about? Was she having to turn to me instead to play the role of her rock? I didn't have a clue.
So I sat in silence opposite her, spooning cereal into my mouth as I waited for her to speak. She too sat in silence, but instead of eating, she just stared at the cereal in her bowl until it became a soggy mess.
I finished my breakfast, still waiting for her to break the uncomfortable stretch of quiet that had settled between us that morning. It was only when my spoon fell back into my bowl with a loud clink that she finally met my gaze. There were smudges of darkness under her eyes and I had wondered if it had been her makeup at the time. Looking back, it was clearly bags that encircled them from lack of sleep and stress.
"Sweetheart, I've got to tell you something..." Mum had trailed off, her hands that rested on the table tightly clasped together before her. I had still been confused as to what mood she was in. She had looked tired and upset. Now I knew it was closer to apologetic and worried.
"What is it?" I was getting more concerned as each of the silent seconds ticked by. I just wanted her to spit it out because the wait was making me nervous.
"It's about dad."
"Is he back from work?" I had asked.
"Sweetheart," Talking appeared as though it was becoming immensely difficult for her which only deepened my bewilderment. It hadn't been the first time my father was forced to travel some place for his police duties. Sometimes it could take him weeks. What was so different about this one? "I lied."
"About what?" I felt sick and I didn't know why. She wouldn't answer me now. She wouldn't even look at me. "About what, mum?"
"The last time we saw dad was on your birthday..." Her breathing seemed uneven. Then she was crying. Big, heaving sobs that caused all of her body to shake. I wanted to grab at her hand but I couldn't. She didn't know that I couldn't comfort her with touch. Not yet. It was another year until she would attempt to tickle me in the kitchen and realise that I wasn't going through an awkward phase of I-dislike-hugs-because-they're-embarrassing and that it was a real phobia. "That's the last time we'll ever see him again."
"What do you mean?"
"I- I told you he was working because I didn't want to frighten you," She frantically wiped at her eyes. "I had no idea where he went. I still don't. His work friends- the police, th-they've been looking everywhere for him but-" She gritted her teeth together and I could only watch as the women I'd grown up with, who was always so calm and collected, crumbled before me like a house of sand. "I got an email from him this morning. He's never coming back home. He's gone."
I knew what I should have been feeling. Confusion, panic, sadness.
Instead I felt empty.
To this day, I still felt empty when thinking about him but I reckoned that feeling empty was better than feeling pain. My mother still felt a lot of that.
The memory felt like both years and minutes ago. I could relive it as though it had happened during the morning, or I could actually think back, recalling just how long ago it actually was since the last time I'd seen my father's face in person. I didn't know where time had gone, but it had taken him with it.
Saying that the surprise of my father's sudden disappearance was tame in comparison to the surprise I was currently going through now perhaps wasn't worded correctly, but it was certainly on the same level of astonished fear.
The surprise was spotted strolling around the side of the school building as I parked my car in the lot. I hadn't hitched a ride with Parker due to my morning therapist appointment but I suddenly wished that he was there. I longed for the feel of his hand in mine, his hold on me that would keep me relatively sane and grounded. The shock seized my insides, forcing my stomach to lurch painfully as I watched the school uniform clad figure disappear around the corner.
My subconscious kept yelling things at me. It can't be him, he's gone or it definitely wasn't him played like a broken record in my head to try and set my mind at ease, however, having noticed the boy first-hand, I knew that no amount of comforting words could change my mind on the matter or erase the fact that I'd noticed the familiar face.
Olive skin and inky hair - it was unmistakably Jason Ashford.
It took a good ten minutes to force myself into the school building after that, and upon my entering was immediately met with a dishevelled looking Skylar.
"Shouldn't you be in class by n-"
She was careful to snag my sleeve rather than my arm, dragging me into the door of the girls' bathroom. "Bad news. We have bad news."
I already knew what- or rather who - she was speaking of by her obvious concern. It didn't matter if we were going through a rough patch in our friendship right now, she was still there for me as I was for her. We'd get through whatever this arguing was, I realised, because she was just as worried now as she would have been if we were still completely fine with one another.
"Jason Ashford is back," She continued. "And he's not changed a bit since he was chucked out for supposed drug dealing or whatever the rumours were. Acting like he owns the place, thinks he's the bees knees, and he's with-" She cut herself off but I feared I already knew what she'd been about to spill.
"He's hanging out with Parker and the others again, isn't he?"
She nodded, expression grim.
I slouched against the bathroom wall, chewing the inside of my cheek nervously as I surveyed the pale pink bathroom full of empty stalls as though it'd give forth an answer to all of my problems. It didn't.
"How problematic." I finally mused.
It was only fitting, really, that as soon as I'd managed to take a small step forward with my fear of touching, the very boy who'd named me Frigid Flora in the first place had made an appearance. The boy who'd been the first in school to realise my nonsensical phobia when he'd pinned me against the lockers in some kind of attempt to forcefully make-out with me after a blunt rejection. Then he proceeded to publically humiliate me about my freak out, spreading rumours for the gossiping student body to soak up like sponges.
Soon after, he'd left due to his parents dragging him off to some city. Word had spread like wildfire about the reasoning behind it, most revolving around apparent drug dealings. It had been lucky for me to have the next piece of gossip surface so soon because the whispers about my fear stopped and only the name had really stuck rather than the verbal abuse.
Jason's reappearance changed that. No doubt his return would also bring a hoard of name-calling and insults hurtling my way. Perhaps even Parker would join in with the fun. After all, his group was pretty friendly with Jason before he left.
I felt sick.
"Flora?" Skylar had her hands on my shoulders, shaking me back to the present. I had no idea how many times she'd been calling my name. When she saw that I was responding, she hastily took her hands back.
"I can't do this." I said flatly.
My brain was a jumbled mess. Memories of my father, horrible visions of what Jason might have in store to stress me out with, the prospect of being unable to hang out with Parker, Hayden no doubt going to team up with Jason to become a force to be reckoned with. Not to mention the information that I had accidentally let slip out with Dr Greene today that I was making progress with my fear. Now I realised that it'd probably go down hill from here when Parker turned on me to side with Jason.
What made things worse was that I kept getting images flashing behind my eyelids of Parker and I being... well- intimate on that stupid camping trip like some kind of odd fantasy. Why I'd be fantasising like that at all was baffling. It was also extremely distracting.
My erratic breathing was making me feel dizzy. When I tried to focus on Skylar she was nothing but a watery image. I wiped at my eyes, repeating myself. "I can't do this."
"Hey. Hey, Flora. Look at me, alright? Look at me." She demanded and I did as I was told. "I'm going to be with you, and nothing is going to happen. Do you understand me?"
I sniffled and she took that as my agreement.
"Good. Now you're going to wipe away those mascara smudges under your eyes and-" She frowned, distracted. "You're wearing mascara. I've been harping on at you for years to do that! What caused the change? Can we do makeovers now?"
I paused, reluctant to tell her the reason. No doubt she'd twist it into a direction I didn't want it to go in. "Parker had said it made my eyes look brighter. I like bright eyes."
She laughed, muttering something under her breath that sounded a lot like oblivious. "Right, back on track. You wipe those smudges away, and then we're going to walk late into math class with our heads held high. Got it?"
So we did just that.
I stuck to Skylar's side like super glue throughout the rest of the day and ignored the constant confused glances in every class from Parker when I didn't sit next to him, my usual seat, but instead sat with Skylar who he was still under the impression was mad with me. Which she sort of still was. When he finally tried to approach me at lunch, Skylar helped with my escape and we hid out in the girls' bathroom for the entire forty-five minutes. A very hygienic place to eat.
"You need to tell Parker why you're avoiding him eventually, you know." Skylar said as she glared at the back of a girl leaving the toilet who'd given us an odd look.
"Oh, yeah. Hello, Parker. I don't like you being friends with Jason because he calls me names but I can deal with your other ones. You know, the ones that take drugs and casually break into my house when they feel like it." I rolled up the tinfoil I'd kept my sandwich in and threw it into the bin. "I'll do that as soon as I get the chance, Skylar."
"Okay, I see your point but I still think he'd understand." She sighed. "I honestly can't deal with those looks you give each other, though. Better to talk it through instead of mooning over one another."
"What?"
She shook her head with a small laugh. "Just admit that you like him already! It's clear that he's crazy about you so what's the big deal?"
"Have you seen the news lately?" I asked, swiftly changing the subject. I was so smooth. "There is war and weather and economy."
She ignored me and continued her little talk. "You see the best in people, Flora. You might deny it, but you do. That's one of the things I love about you, but sometimes you don't see the truth. I know that you and Parker like each other-" She held a hand up to silence my protests. "So the pair of you ending up together is most likely inevitable, I see that now. I just want you to be careful. He's as hot as the fricking sun, don't get me wrong, but you aren't the type of girl that enjoys being a thing on the side. Just be cautious is all I'm saying. You know his past with girls as well as I do."
I did.
***
By the end of the day, I'd decided that the six hours I'd spent evading the problem at hand were enough to psych myself up to face it. My reason being that if I had the guts to punch Parker in the face when I still found him intimidating, then I could speak to him in front of a boy who liked to insult me by using the power of alliteration.
Skylar wished me good luck as she left the building and I went off in pursuit of Parker. It didn't take long. He was leaning against his locker, a far away look on his face. Axel, Matthew and Jason were by his side in the middle of an animated conversation with multiple hand gestures and at one point, a high five. Matthew didn't go to school anymore so I guessed that he was just there to greet his old friend. Perhaps they were going to hang out, back to their old friendly ways.
Doubt consumed me. Had Parker and Jason automatically picked up from where they left off too? Probably. This had been a bad idea.
Just as I was about to turn back around, Parker noticed my lingering presence and practically propelled himself toward me from the locker he was slouched against. He covered the metres between us in a few quick paced strides and his hands hurriedly grabbed mine, pulling me off to one side. I didn't bother to check if the others had noticed. Frankly, I didn't want to know.
"I know this probably makes me sound like a pansy or some clingy weirdo or whatever," He said in a rush. "But have I done something to upset you? I can't remember the last time you avoided me so much and- honestly, it's freaking me the fuck out."
I stared at his hands that were playing with my fingers before peeking around him to see Axel, Matthew and Jason. Sure enough, they'd noticed. For a moment, Jason's dark eyes aligned with my own and I froze under his stare. His lips curled into a smile and I quickly shifted my gaze back to Parker's face.
"No, you haven't." He visibly sagged with relief and it almost brought a smile to my face. "But the reason I haven't been speaking to you is what I came to talk to you about. It's, um-"
"Frigid Flora!" Jason called as though greeting an old friend. He grinned at me, showcasing his pearly whites as he, Matthew and Axel reached us. "Long time no see, pretty face."
Axel shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, perhaps sensing my discomfort or just feeling rattled by the hostile look that was being worn by Parker. If I were in his shoes, I would be too.
Jason slapped a hand to my shoulder and I flinched at the contact, jumping closer into Parker's side. His hand tightened around my own in a form of silent reassurance.
Jason laughed. "Still as entertaining as ever, Frigid Flo. Are you as happy to see me again as I am to see you?"
"I can't say the feeling is mutual, no." I grumbled.
Parker growled. "Watch it, Ashford."
His gaze flickered between the pair of us and something flashed in his eyes. Perhaps it was anger, maybe something else. I couldn't pinpoint what it was before his ever-present unsettling smirk was back.
"Oh," Jason nodded in understanding. "I see. So you guys are like a thing now? Heywood's trying to bed the unbedable? Cute."
I hoped that Parker couldn't feel the sweat collecting in my palms. The awkwardness was making me perspire from virtually every pore. Did elbows sweat? Because mine sure were.
"We aren't a couple." I snapped, unable to think of anything else to retaliate with other than proving him wrong.
"Is that so? Well, honey, I've got a condom with your name on it. Oh- wait. That's right, you can't because you squeal like a banshee if anybody so much as lays a finger on you."
"That is enou-" Parker began but I cut him off by bringing up our linked hands and shaking them, frustrated, in front of Jason's face. It took both of them a moment to realise what I meant by it.
"I think you're mistaken. My name isn't Durex Extra Small and as you can see, I'm quite happily holding Parker's hand." It felt good to talk back to him. I could deal with insults and people mocking me, what I couldn't tolerate was people making fun of my inability to touch. It was a personal topic and Jason knew that which is exactly the reason he continued to make digs about it.
Axel and Matthew stifled giggles at my small outburst but Parker was too preoccupied being livid. "I think you'd better leave."
Jason frowned, apparently incapable of comprehending his statement. "Very funny." He turned to Parker, tone dripping with sarcasm. "Well mate, you sure are going to have more sex than everyone else in school with this one. Holding hands? Scandalous."
"Thank you for your sexual insight," Parker gritted his teeth, his hand tightening around my own slightly. I could tell he was itching to punch him. I liked to think that the only reason he hadn't was because of my hand in his. Or because he'd learnt the art of restraint, but that seemed unlikely. "But like I said, I think you'd better leave."
He laughed, still unaware of how serious Parker was. "Whatever, dude. I'll see you later once you quit PMSing." With a final wave, he left the building.
Silence descended upon us as we all stared for a few moments down the empty hallway to watch Jason's retreating figure. Once he'd disappeared completely, Matthew took it upon himself to break it.
"Well, Safe Sex T-Rex says that-"
"Not now, Matt. We'll leave you two to talk through whatever this is." Axel called over his shoulder as he pulled Matthew away. His protests echoed for the entire length of time that it took to drag him from the building.
"I'm such an idiot. Jason was the one that started calling you that stupid name. He's the reason you were avoiding me, right?" Parker cut to the chase, eyes searching mine for clarification.
I nodded mutely.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I deal with your other friends." I shrugged awkwardly. "And what was I supposed to say? Hey, I don't like your friend. It's him or me?"
"Well, yeah."
I raised my eyebrow. "And you'd have picked me over someone you've been friends with for years?"
"Why would I pick him over you? He's a dick and he left for ages without getting back in contact with any of us." His tone told me that it should have been obvious to assume this.
I paused, thinking over this newfound information. "You know, the fact that you'd have happily chosen me over your friend is kind of worrying."
"Why? Anyway, he's not my friend. Not really."
"Well," I hesitated. "The question sort of reminds me of films where the possessive girlfriend shouts to choose the best friend or her. Usually ends with the former."
"I can't work out if you're you implying that the reason you didn't ask was because you thought I wouldn't pick you, or because you didn't want to sound like a possessive girlfriend." The ghost of a smile played on his lips.
I looked at the floor, uncomfortable. There was no point in lying to him. I couldn't lie to save my life, and to make matters worse, with Parker I seemed as transparent as glass. "Maybe the second."
"Well don't worry your cute little head, Mrs Possessive." He teased with a laugh, ruffling my hair to which I quickly swatted him away. "I choose you. I'll always choose you."
//please vote/comment if you enjoyed! You know I love to hear what you all think. Picture of Steven Strait as Jason Ashford above (Steven Strait was adorable in 2006, I can't cope) looking fiiiine.
So what do you guys think of Jason's arrival? Ooooh, did you see that coming? Probably. It was a tad predictable, but anyhow, what are your thoughts? This chapter was much shorter than the last mega one. I'm never sure whether to apologise for it being too long or too short? Which do you guys prefer?
Dedicated to percebeth-fan for your lovely comments!
In case any of you were wondering, I aim to have my updates done every Sunday now. It'll probably change again within the next month or so because eventually I'll have to start revising for my exams but I'll be sure to let you know. Last minute revision or what. ha. I'm dead. Well then, now that I've bored you all to death with this fat A/N, enjoy your day! Ily guys sm for reading//