Falling Darkness: Bat Blood
The blood dropped into the container and I watched the bat die. You can call me hardcore or whatever you want, but I didn’t shed no tears for this bat. Dumb bat reminded me of Rufus, sitting there dumb, seeing me there under it. But, I can’t say that I enjoyed watching it die. Watching its eyes lose their light. No, that’s not me. Despite what people may think now, that’s not me. I’m not a bomb, I’m not a monster. Or at least, not yet…
Chapter 1: Wildfires
I couldn’t tell Tank. I just couldn’t. I told Doc to keep it a secret and surprisingly, he agreed. I haven’t heard a peep out of him.
I quit my job. Well actually I kinda had to. I mean Darrel, my boss at The Broken Mug, wasn’t going to keep me much longer after hearing about the news anyway. I swear there was no sympathy in this town and news spread like a wildfire in California. Tank never went out so he’d never know unless Doc whispered it to him late one night while I was tucked into my bed. It became hard to trust anyone because people stopped trusting me, eyeing me with hands on weapons. I had never noticed that before, that the whole town carried weapons. Even the toddlers had some sort of weaponry.
That’s how we knew they’d encountered crazies before, but my question was; where the fuck did they all go? I mean, my hometown is overrun by them and I’m sure lots of people still there carried weapons (if there were any normal people left). This thought pushed my mind to Mr. Hamburger, Tank’s dad, then back to Tank. And of course, with Tank came the memory of how close we had been to kissing that night and I could almost hear some eternal clock ticking inside of me, ebony and foreboding.
Doc never said it but I could see it in his eyes. He felt the tension between Tank and I. He knew something had happened, that something was still happening. He knew it was major. I was grateful that he had enough sense and respect to not force it into the light. But he knew that Tank and I were on the verge of something: either a happy ending or a big breakup. And the thing was, I didn’t know which one I wanted more, or which one I dreaded more. They were both about equal.
One day though, Doc sat down with me, his critical scientific eyes a stormy gray, but sharp. “Do you know how it feels?” he began, voice low. “I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever known and loved back in that godforsaken town. Bill, Tank’s father…” His voice caught and tears came to his eyes, making them smear with water. He shook his head, I knew that meant he couldn’t finish. Even more surprisingly, I squeezed his hand in a sign of comfort; I knew how it felt.
He wiped at his eyes and continued, “My wife divorced me. She said she was tired of the science, said there was no ‘chemistry’ between us anymore. Said she’d break it down into words I’d understand, put it into legal papers I could read. Said ‘how’s that for science’. Dumb broad. She took my son with her. She won full custody. I couldn’t even see my son. I’d buried all my sorrows into science and medicine. Then Bill came along. I’d never loved a man before. But he…” He stopped again and surprisingly, I didn’t feel uncomfortable as I sat nearer to him, threw my arms around his shoulders and placed his head onto my chest. He was like a fragile child.
“I knew he didn’t feel that. He didn’t feel the electricity, but I did, that’s all that matters. He came up with this plan, this plan to kill the crazies, to wipe them out because he thought they would grow stronger, smarter. He knew this was going to happen.”
I felt a tear roll down my cheek. This was all filling my mind with Tank. “Never told me he had a son. Never told me it’d be his fucking suicide mission. So, I went along with it, I was star-struck, old, yes, but star-struck. He had planned all along to find his wife and kill her, specifically. I found his plans one day and we fought it out. But he was adamant. I didn’t think it’d come so soon… I didn’t think…” Now he sobbed and I gripped him tighter, stroking his gray hair. “No one’s ever loved me, no one ever will.”
“I love you, Doc.” Here I surprised myself so bad that I burst into my own story. I told him everything including the dilemma between Rufus and Ms. Lonny Baker which made his sobs quiet a little. When I got to the part about Mom killing Pop, he straightened up and had a decisive twinkle in his eye. “What is it, Doc?”
“Be my daughter,” he turned to me, smiling happily. “We’re both orphans in a way, let’s start a family you and I and hope that Bill is alive.”
I smiled, happy for the first time since the water hose. “Okay, but can I still call you Doc?”
He smiled even wider, “Of course, my child.”
I don’t know how long we stayed that way, wrapped around each other until Tank came bounding down the stairs. At first his face showed confusion, but when that passed, he eyed us with distrust and hurt. I wasn’t ashamed. I loved Doc, that cute old man with his annoying knack for science and medicine. In ways I had never seen before he was just like me. But, I went to Tank anyway palms outstretched in a pleading gesture. He pointed up, meaning we’d talk upstairs. For a moment, I was kinda afraid to tell him, thinking that he’d feel that we left him out, but I knew that it was time to tell him everything. Yes, everything.
We were alone in his room facing each other, sitting on identical chairs. His eyes were blank, maybe a bit wider than usual and there was a tension-filled silence between us. But I knew what he didn’t. I could dissolve the tension between us.
I began by telling him about my spark, my crazy thought and that I was going to implode. Then somehow I moved into telling him that I saw my mother and Rithicke standing in front of the groups of crazies. “I know you didn’t see,” I said, “but they were there and… together. But that’s behind me now. What I want to tell you is that. ‘I figured it out. I’ve got it all figured out.’ The reason why I’ve been so miserable these past few days is because I wouldn’t let myself love you. But the point is that I do love you, and if I’m going to become…” my voice broke, shattered actually, “like them, well, I just wanted you to know that. So when it’s time for you to shoot me, then you’ll know that and you won’t be sorry about it. Because now you know that I’ve lived my life and I’ve found love and that’s really all I ever wanted. I want you to take care of Doc for me and Rufus too when I’m gone.”
He stood up immediately when I was finished his whole body shaking. I couldn’t tell what he was shaking with but I wanted to touch him. He pulled me up, roughly, putting no space between us, then his lips mashed hard down on mine. They bit, they clawed, they ripped out my tongue. The kiss was heavy and hot like he’d been holding back all this ardent love for so long. My response was equal to his, drinking in his scent, his taste, his feel. Bitterly remembering Doc’s story and how it would feel to have Tank ripped away from me without him knowing, without him ever knowing. Because Doc had emphasized one thing. He had never told; he had never told! Not a soul. And especially not Bill Hamburger himself, the man that picked up on invisible things. Maybe Bill knew all along. Maybe he knew about Doc’s feelings and mine.
When Tank pulled away we were both breathless and I could still feel his tongue and smell his Axe Chocolate. His smile, jeez, it was so familiar and so sexy. I never thought I would say that. With Rithicke it was casual, almost like we weren’t dating at all, but Tank. Tank made me want to pull Shayla, his ex-girlfriend’s, hair out of her head. How could she cause so many problems for him when she had this great guy, this Tank?
“But what was going on between you and Doc? You don’t… like him too, do you?” he stuttered weirdly, his eyes tinged with jealousy.
“Gross, he’s like what, eighty? Jeez, fuck no, I don’t want some old geezer. I want you.” I smiled happily.
Suddenly he didn’t smile back and he stepped away from me. “I just,” he began then stopped, his eyes lowering.
“I need to find Shayla first, I still love her.”
I almost screamed. I saw red everywhere, and my fists clenched. “What?!” It was a growl, one that escaped from my broken heart, flared from my rejection. He stared at the floor pointedly. “So, you kiss me then flick me off, well that’s great.” I hissed pushing past him.
“It’s not like that.”
“The fuck it’s not!” I roared and punched him, once, twice. My fists began flailing at him wildly. My anger grew, escalated. How could he? How could he? Then Doc’s face floated in my brain. One spark. Just like that I grew calm. I didn’t need him. Rave doesn’t need anyone!
With that I fled to my room. Rufus was sleeping on my bed and I drop-kicked him off, my frustration appearing in the form of a fluffy white dog drooling on my pillow. All the time it took for me to actually love him and he flicks me away in a second for some second-rate girlfriend who was probably dead or crazy by now. I fell into an anger induced sleep, seeing a fiery ball of red before seeing the usual blackness that came with dreamless sleep.
Chapter 2: Warehouses
Being an outcast hurt, but not as much as seeing Tank’s hopeful face every time he called her. I couldn’t stand to be around him anymore. Doc provided some relief with his happy smiles, but when he wasn’t around I just drifted in sadness. I was hopelessly depressed, the birds’ song seeming like a melancholy tune to me. The sun didn’t seem to burn as brightly, nor did the grass seem as green, nor did the flowers smell as sweet.
“I know how it feels.”
I looked up from the bench I sat on to see this lean guy who seemed to be in his mid-twenties standing in front of me. “Name’s Rex,” he smiled stretching out his hand. “You a crazy too?”
Still confused and a little star-struck I shook his hand and nodded. He sat next to me, uninvited and still smiling. I was kinda glad he took the initiative because I wasn’t gonna offer it. “Yeah, had me my second wild thought just the other day. They avoid me like the plague.”
“Well why are you so goddamn optimistic about it? It ain’t fuckin’ pretty. Hell, I’d know.” I muttered angrily.
“Laugh about it or cry about it, right?”
“Well, apparently I’d rather cry about it.” I paused then summed up what had happened in the last few months leading up to now, not sure why I was confiding in this stranger.
“Damn. But hey, you don’t need that guy. You are your own person. Be Rave. Matter-of-fact, be the rave.”
That actually made me smile and I looked his way again. He was actually really hot with those gorgeous green eyes. He’d do for a rebound. I grinned and punched his shoulder. “So what do you do for fun?”
He led me to this swimming pool that was crystal blue, but vacated. “Number one best thing about being an outcast: no crowding, no lines.”
I smiled. “You can say that again.”
My smile faltered and my heart beat faster when he took off his shirt and shorts and jumped in the pool. Thank God. I thought he was going to skinny dip. I think my heart would have stopped beating then. “Come on in the water’s fine!” he called going into a backstroke.
“What the hell?” I sighed to myself pulling off my shirt and jeans and diving into the pool.
It was so fun. He was so fun. He was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I smiled and gave him my number as we departed to go home. I had expected him to try and kiss me, but he didn’t which made it that much better. Smiling, I skipped merrily back to the apartment complex.
Shutting the door was like opening another door to a butt load of questions. “Where were you?! I was so worried!” Doc hollered, replacing the phone on the hook and running to inspect me, pale as a ghost.
Tank had stood up, dark circles under his eyes. I hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. “Spending the day with a friend.” I emphasized “friend” and winked at Doc to suggest that it was more than that. I watched with morbid joy as Tank’s face got red. “Oh, b-t-‘dubs’ did you get in touch with Shayla?”
Tank turned away, refusing to answer. Smirking at his response, I went up the stairs to prepare for bed. I could feel Doc’s worried eyes on my back and the simmering of Tank’s jealousy and anger.
Turns out, Rex was an amazing guy. Way cooler than I expected him to be. That entire week we did all kinds of daring amazing things together and once, Tank watched us from a window. I have to say that his kiss wasn’t like Tank’s but it still set me on fire, but in a different way. Rex was pretty old for me, but I liked older guys so it was all good.
Then one day, a Friday I think, we were hanging out and I put my question to him. “Where do all the crazies go in this town?” His smile dropped immediately and for the first time he was serious. He was so much hotter serious. He took my hand and without a word solemnly led me to this warehouse like he was marching me down a funeral procession. He pushed open the door and led me up some stairs. Then he flicked a switch to turn a light on.
There were thousands of people all stacked on top of each other, some were dead, but most were roaming around. “Shouldn’t we protect ourselves with something?” I whispered terrified.
He shook his head and spoke in his normal voice. “They don’t bother people like us because they know that soon we’ll become one of them.”
The stench made me gag. It was rising from the rotting old bodies which were buried under fresher ones. The walls were lined with some sort of white powdery substance that the alive ones kept flailing against. The substance was like an invisible wall.
Although I knew they were crazy it made me want to cry. They shouldn’t be treated like this, so inhumane. There was a young child there; he couldn’t have been older than five, sucking his thumb in the middle of the chaos, a tear frozen in his eye. I pointed him out, but Rex shook his head replying that he was a crazy so the townspeople threw him in there. “You and I are next,” he said, quietly. “This hellhole is going to become our new home.”
“Why didn’t you try to let them out?” I cried.
“Tried, but we can’t touch that stuff and soon we won’t be able to cross over it either.”
“Doc is working on a remedy! Something that could cure us. Something that could cure them! We’ll put the anecdote in guns shoot them up and burn this godforsaken town to the grown. Burn baby burn!”
Rex’s eyes were unbelieving and flat. “It’s too late for us. This isn’t curable. It ain’t even a disease. It’s us. It’s our DNA, our bone marrow, man. It can’t be reversed. Sometimes I believe that we’re the sanest people on this planet, you know?”
“I know, I know,” I said slowly, my mind churning with possibilities.
The little boy turned and watched as a man ran towards the powder and slammed into the force field. His tear fell and another formed. He would probably be in there all his life. Another thought occurred to me. “Does someone feed them?”
“No,” Rex sniffed. “They figure, anyway they can die, let them die.”
“Well I know what I wanna do tomorrow.”
“What?”
“Feed the sheep.”
Chapter 2: And a can of soda pop
“We went over this remember? Doc’s not some creepy mad scientist from one of those old movies like Frankenstein. Think of him as more of a Van Helsing.”
“Yeah, but we would definitely be classified as Dracula’s gang.”
“Rex,” I sighed rolling my eyes. “Well think of him as Van Helsing with a twist of lime.”
“‘Kay, a twist of lime.”
We entered my home, hands tightly clasped together. I figured it was time to introduce him to the family. He already knew our situation, including Tank’s feelings towards me and Doc’s recent informal adoption. That didn’t make it any easier though when Doc flung open the door, glasses neatly folded into his pocket and eyes so sharp they could cut Rex’s skin. Rufus peeped from around Doc’s right leg, actually trying to look cute and succeeding a little.
Doc let us inside warily, coldly studying our linked hands and bitterly noting the age of my suitor. Tank’s eyes flared with jealousy. I don’t know what he had expected but it wasn’t this. He had never been able to really see Rex since the few glimpses he caught of him were at night and out of a foggy two story window. I patted Rufus’s head, who seemed to smile up at me with perfect consent.
“Love you, Rufus,” I cooed.
Rex smirked, “Wish I was Rufus,”
The tension in the air grew at his remark, but I laughed lightly, pretending to be oblivious to it. “I don’t know why. Rufus can’t kiss me; I can’t take all that saliva.”
Here we both laughed loudly, but the tension escalated, seeming about to snap, and Tank’s face grew red, his hands clenching and unclenching. Doc motioned for us to sit at the table, his lips shut tight as Tank went into the kitchen to fix our food.
“So, what’s your name, son?”
“Rex, sir. Or at least that’s what people call me. I was born by a different name.”
“Yes, yes,” Doc said impatiently. “And what was your christened name?”
“William, sir.”
We froze and I met Doc’s eyes. Bill is a nickname for the name William. But was it Doc’s Bill? No, technically this was my Bill. And I felt the rush of sorrow that welled up in Doc’s eyes. He dropped his eyes to the table refusing to say another word.
“What’s your last name? I asked softly.
“Don’t know, my adoptive parents never told me, but their last name was Wellington. Not the kind of last name you’d want with a name like William.”
“Well, how’d you get to the orphanage?”
“Mom said that a man came in, a young one with eyes like the night, and hand delivered me there. The nurses say that they never saw a parent so in love with a child or so reluctant to give one up. They say that it seemed like he knew he couldn’t take care of me and regretted it inside because he did love me. So I figured he died because he never came for me.”
That’s when it hit me. Strange and unbelievable as it was, I understood everything perfectly. Bill Hamburger had had a baby with a woman who was not his wife or maybe even before he was married. Since then, Bill had gotten married and had another child. He hadn’t wanted to mess up that life so he hadn’t went to find his lost son. Then after he woke up one day and his bed was empty save that of a note and a few drops of blood, his grief and shame prevented him from looking for his son. That son whom now sat beside me with that same dark hair and strong chin. That son whom was now picking off an invisible dog hair from the table cloth and flicking it away. How could I have missed that? It was kind of sick actually.
By the time Tank came with our plates, Doc and I were shocked into silence. His eyes communicated the same thoughts as mine. I squeezed Rex’s hand, not wanting him to think we knew something. What good would it be to tell him now with the dinner fresh on the table and his insanity lurking behind corners? I hardly noticed when Tank defiantly sat right next to me allowing his knee to brush against mine. That meant Rex was Tank’s older brother and that I was dating Tank’s older brother! I could barely fathom it, could barely even eat. Doc began to ramble, talking about how he was desperately trying to concoct an anecdote for the insanity we were going through (I had already told Doc about Rex’s wild thoughts) and how he needed bat blood.
“Use me as your guinea pig.”
It was a statement. One that scared the hell out of me and I’m sure Doc too. But if Bill was dead, what would it matter to Rex that he would never be able to find his father?
“Rex, I don’t think…”
“No, it’s cool Rave. I’m just waiting around to go insane anyway, might as well make the best of it, right?” Under that smirking cool exterior was this underlying wall of grim defeat. I saw it clearly as if he had bathed in Windex. His hands shook a little and he closed his eyes gently. “I should go back home, it’s getting pretty dark.”
“Don’t forget our plans for tomorrow, Rex!” I reminded him.
“Not a chance.”
After he brought his plate to the kitchen and kissed me softly on the lips, he was gone.
All this time. He was right under my nose, literally, and I had never even suspected. Tank angrily put his plate in the sink and grasped the phone on the wall, punching in Shayla’s number yet again. Doc slid me his napkin giving me a serious look before getting up to clean and save his dishes too.
MEET ME AFTER HE FALLS ASLEEP IN MY ROOM.
His message was clear. We needed to talk, ASAP. I followed in his footsteps and cleaned my dishes, throwing the napkin, crumpled, into the trash. I went take my shower, brushed my teeth, and even pretended to be asleep when Tank marched into my room. He threw back my covers, his eyes burning in the dim light.
“He’s too old for you.”
“Who the fuck are you, to tell me who I can and cannot date?” I responded venomously. “Just who the fuck are you?!”
“I’m your friend.” He hissed.
“Used to be.” He didn’t need explanation on that. He knew what I meant. He knew what I had crossed the line for. There was no turning back.
“He’s too old for you.”
“Get out of my room, I’m too tired right now to try and deal with your shit.”
He sat there, staring into my eyes. “No.”
“What?” I sat up even more, trying to understand this sudden defiance.
“I said ‘no’,” he repeated.
“Well fine then, just fucking sit there, you bastard.”
He didn’t reply. He didn’t even move. He just sat there. Staring. It was quieting, infuriating, and most of all frightening. But be being Rave, I refused to show my feelings and laid back down. Snorting distastefully, I flipped over and pretended to fall back asleep. But still I could feel him there, breathing. Eventually he flopped beside me and fell asleep. I sighed in relief and tiptoed out of the room to find Doc. Doc was pacing, tapping his forehead as if that’s how his ideas would come.
“Doc,” I whispered, closing the door behind me.
“What took you so long?”
“It took him that long to fall asleep!” I whispered bitterly, recalling our conversation.
“Rex can’t be Bill’s son, can he? He never mentioned to me about having a lost son, but, then of course, he never mentioned Tank either.”
“I don’t know, Doc. I didn’t know Mr. Hamburger that well, but Rex…err… William did have some of his mannerisms.”
“I need to know. I know Bill didn’t feel this way, but, well I need to know.”
“I understand Doc, but what are we gonna do?”
“That’s simple; take him bat blood searching with us. We’ll leave this weekend.”
In the morning he was there with a sack of food slumped onto his back. His eyes were alert, excited and I couldn’t help but to search for similarities to Bill Hamburger. I saw it in his eyes, that familiar twinkle, so familiar. But I shook it off and received the empty sack he was handing to me to fill. Today was gonna be eventful.
I filled the bag with all kinds of food. Gummy worms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a bean burrito; even if it was junk, I tossed it in there, hoping someone there could enjoy it. After I filled my sack we took off to the warehouse and didn’t say a word along the route. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but the kind of silence you could think in; the kind of silence you could breathe in. And believe that I was breathing it in. Inhale. Exhale. Step, step. When the warehouse appeared in sight, I tried not to hyperventilate because so many things could go wrong. What if they tried to attack us? I know what Rex said, but as far as I knew that theory had never been tested. What if they didn’t eat human food anymore, but flesh? Human flesh? The suspense was killing me, literally.
We walked over the powder, our shoes never touching the small force field. The little boy was still there sucking his thumb staring wide-eyed at those metallic gray walls. His eyes seemed to say, how did I get here? What is here? His tears were still there too, kissing at the brim of his eyes. I went to him first and offered him some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Those eyes, I couldn’t take those eyes. Even seeing them for only a moment, they burned into me, scarred my soul. He ate the cereal greedily, never lifting his eyes and I saw Rex feeding others. They ate like normal people, like sane people.
“What’s your name?” I asked softly.
The little boy tilted his head up to me, his eyes dark with knowledge beyond his years. “Danny.” It was barely a whisper, but I heard it. Then his sobbing is what filled the room. I held him so close to me, so close.
“We’re gonna get you out of here, we’re gonna help you.” I kept repeating it, hoping that I’d believe it too.
Rex picked up my sack as I was quieting Danny. They seemed so normal, so sane. They didn’t have chandeliers of their freshly dead spouses, no gardening hoses here. They were grim, yes, but they weren’t crazy. They seemed to me like Holocaust survivors, there was no light in there eyes anymore. And that wasn’t flat fuck crazy. It was actually too sane to be real. This all felt unreal, surreal. And it wasn’t just me. I could see the disbelief on Rex’s face as he assured the people of our willingness to help them.
“We’re taking Danny home.”
“How?” Rex frowned. “He can’t pass over the salt and we can’t break the force field.”
“Damn it!” I screamed, my voice rising hysterically. “I can’t do anything!”
Then Rex replied quietly, placing his warm hand in mine. “Neither can I, but Doc can. Let’s get that bat blood.”
“And a can of Dr. Pepper for the drink, please.”
Chapter 3: Cloud Eight
Tank was horrified and viciously angry by the implication of Rex coming with us to find bat blood. Doc was relieved and so was I; maybe that would make Tank stay quiet and away from me. He called Shayla for the hundredth time and sighed as it rang off the hook yet again.
“It’s like I can feel her at the other end of the line staring at the phone ring, you know?”
No I didn’t know and I didn’t want to know. So, I didn’t honor that with a response, I just kept on staring out the window, digging my fingers into Rufus’s hair. Shayla was dead, I was more than sure of that. Or, at least, I hoped I was. I wanted Tank to feel that pain, for him to realize that he was chasing an empty skirt. Hey, truth hurts. It’s a real pain in the ass, but I was too hurt by his truth to try to conceal mine. It was what I knew, what I felt. And it was raw as hell. Because the truth was that I still loved him. And hell yeah the truth hurt because I really did want to love Rex. But how could I with Tank standing in the way, his jealousy leaking down to his elbows? But he didn’t have to be jealous, he knew he could have me, but he threw me away for, well, an empty skirt. She never had brains in the first place, she never had sanity. So what had changed really? Nothing except Tank’s heart and mine.
We all crammed into Doc’s brand new Hummer with our suitcases and such. I felt uncomfortable because I had to sit between both Tank and Rex with Rufus on my lap, drooling his dumbness all over my pants. I felt the need to wipe my hands on the front of my jeans like maybe if I’d wipe them enough, this feeling of entrapment might go away. I felt cornered. My truth wasn’t paralleling with the truth. From here on out I decided it would be all sticks and stones with Tank because I don’t care what they say, I swear his words could break my bones. Tank stared out of the window blankly, his hands fiddling over a brand-spanking new cell phone. Rex stared out the other window, his eyes gulping down scenery he’d probably never see again. Neither will you. I had to deal with my thoughts, the dark ones, swirling through my mind like salt in water. I could feel the grains grating against my temples.
“Shit.”
I looked up at Doc’s unusual swearing to see the road turn to dirt and I smiled in disbelief. Doc didn’t want his poor Hummer to get messed up. Figures. I sighed and patted Rufus’s head gently who had also looked up in searching alarm.
Closing my eyes didn’t help. It couldn’t. The darkness itself was worse than the thoughts. The darkness was oblivion and submitting to the oblivion meant… Well I’m not quite sure what it meant and it was the uncertainty that scared me the most. See, I knew those thoughts were cynical, not to be trusted, but that darkness seemed so comforting, so supporting. Suddenly I felt that familiar cramping in the pit of my stomach and the sloshy-like feel.
“We need to go to a hotel, now.” I hissed clenching at my stomach which felt like it was twisting into a thousand knots.
Doc simply nodded and he immediately drove to the closest hotel. A Holiday Inn where the lights burned like Christmas and the clerk filed her nails at the counter. She didn’t even look up as we entered, just gave an absent little smile that I supposed was aimed for us but faced her pale fingernail. Doc approached the counter and rang the bell which subsequently wiped that absentminded smile off of her face and made her eyes narrow in frustration.
“How may I help you?” her voice was as false as a tape recorder and her smile as plastic as Barbie’s. Her white teeth gleamed without mirth and her blond hair fell around her face.
“Three rooms please,” Doc replied stoutly, reaching into his snakeskin wallet.
She eyed us distastefully, “How many, sir?”
“What are you, stupid? The man said three.” I hissed, my stomach tucking itself in.
She shot me a glare then typed into her keyboard. “How many days?”
It was standard procedure I guessed, but it seemed as if she had a personal vendetta against me. “Um, we don’t know.”
“Fine,” she sighed, brushing back a fly-away of blond, “pay when you leave.”
And she tossed the room keys on the counter then went back to filing her fingernails. Doc shot me a mischievous look then walked towards our rooms. Oh no. Not again. But yes, he did it again.
“Rave, you and Tank take a room. I don’t want you and Rex cuddled up at night making babies.”
“Doc!” I blushed staring at my shoes.
At least Tank and I weren’t in danger of that. All I had to do was remind him of Shayla and he’d be silent again. Sighing I walked into the hotel room with Tank trailing behind, feeling a strange case of déjà vu and sorrowful, pleading eyes burning into my back. It was from two sets of eyes, Rufus and Rex. Surprisingly, those last few days I had been strangely loving towards Rufus and he had been enjoying it, but I didn’t pay him much mind as I headed for the bathroom with my purse in my hand.
I stared at the bloody liner in my hand in anger. Why now? Then I folded it up in toilet paper and threw it away. Suddenly I felt something rolling down my leg and glanced down quickly. Blood. It looked like chicken blood, freshly packaged, rolling down a raw chicken leg. It made me want to be a vegetarian. But when had I started to think of my blood as chicken blood? It seemed so long ago. On the pad it looked like that dark grape juice those TV “vampires” would drink, but on my leg it looked like chicken blood. I put in the fresh pad and pulled up my clothes. As I wiped the blood off of my leg, I thought angrily about how guys complained.
How could they complain about a blood-filled sack swinging between their legs, when we were the ones who had to give birth and go through periods? We can’t just fuck and go. If we fuck and get preggy, we gotta convince the partner to stay. Plus we gotta stay. We PMS and we die slowly each day, spilling our lifeblood onto a clean white pad. I’m sure none of us like the feeling of walking around half-empty, like we’re making a vampire to-go plate.
I walked out of the bathroom with a dark cloud surrounding me. Do crazy women still have periods? I hoped not. Score one for crazy women. But then I remembered the smell in the warehouse and reconsidered. There was a certain fishy smell.
Tank sat on his bed twiddling his thumbs, the phone in his reach, but not in his hands. I sat on the corner of the other bed, far away from him. He opened his mouth to speak but I threw myself down on my bed and flipped over, turning off my lamp. It was a general “fuck you” sign and I’m sure he read it in my posture too because he just sat there, twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the phone to ring.
There was a soft knock on the door and I heard Tank open it, then curse.
“What the fuck do you want?”
There was the shuffling of feet and then someone sat on my bed. “I couldn’t sleep.” Rex whispered in my ear.
I turned toward him and pulled him into a sleeping position. When I pulled him close I heard Tank swear again. I snuggled into Rex and fell asleep at some point, allowing my subconscious to sweep me off of my feet.
When I woke up Rex was gone and Tank was on the phone trying to call Shayla again. He slammed the phone down in anger. “Why won’t she answer?”
That’s when I exploded. I couldn’t take it anymore. This trip was almost a cloud nine for me, but Tank himself kept making it a cloud eight. “Because she’s dead! She’s fucking dead! She’s not staring at the phone, she’s not hearing it ring because she’s dead or she’s as good as dead! Let her fucking go! Shit!”
Of course I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. I knew it was the PMS talking but I couldn’t stop myself. I was barfing up my feelings. Tank took a step back, his eyes wide and hurt. I hated that hurt. I knew that I was the cause of it, but I also knew that deep inside he had already known that Shayla was dead. He had already known.
I jumped up, unable to control my actions and pulled him towards me. He kneeled down in front of me and put his head in my lap. There was no uncontrollable sobbing or touching moments. There was just silence. A knowing silence. He shook his head in my lap, eyes still just as wide while I ran my fingers through his dark hair.
“Which is why you can’t be with Rex.”
It came out of no where like he was picking up on an old conversation. It startled me, which I could see that he had aimed for when he sat up and looked at me.
“Shayla is dead.”
It was starting to scare me now. His voice was intense and low like he was straining to speak. His hands were tense and he was sweating.
He sighed heavily and started again. “Shayla is dead and I want you back.”
Chapter 4: Caves
I didn’t move. For days, I didn’t move. Tank wanted me back and I couldn’t move because I realized that, at some point, I had fallen in love with Rex. But I had never stopped loving Tank. I feigned sickness, I lied, I hid, but I knew that someday I’d have to decide and it would have to be sooner rather than later. Plus, there was the fact that Tank’s older brother was Rex. And that their father was dead. I sat contemplating things all day and sometimes, while I was walking, I’d just stop and stare off into space. I stared into the mirror more often noticing the dark spots under my eyes and my frizzy hair flopping around my ears. I didn’t know the woman in the mirror anymore, I realized.
Most nights I was asleep before Tank came in and awake when he was gone. He never spoke when I did see him. I think it was his way of giving me space. But I wanted to talk. I needed to talk. I needed to sort things out with my heart. I couldn’t talk to Doc because his biased opinion would lead me straight to Tank’s arms. So there was only Rufus. I went get him one afternoon, ignoring everyone’s startled glances to see me awake. I knew they were talking about me, but I didn’t have the strength to care. I couldn’t.
Even Rufus was no help. Half the time he was asleep when I spoke and his low snores didn’t satisfy my questions. So finally I decided on my own. I was not going to choose between them or at least, not yet.
So I packed my suitcase and joined the others in Doc’s room who were again shocked at my appearance. Rex’s visage immediately melted into concern and love, but Tank’s eyes were scrutinizing, sizing me up. I think he was trying to determine who I had chosen. Doc’s eyes were still worried, possibly taking into consideration my paleness and lack of weight.
“I’m ready to go,” I croaked. I wet my lips, cleared my throat, and continued. “I haven’t forgotten. We need to find the bat blood.”
“Indeed,” Doc replied handing me his water bottle then getting up to pack his items.
The others followed suit, each handing me their unopened water bottles and turning to go pack their luggage. I swallowed the water greedily suddenly aware of how long I had gone without much sustenance. Doc shot looks my way, but he said nothing. He packed his luggage quietly then helped me throw away the empty water bottles.
Even in the SUV it was silent, but I could hear silent conversations floating in the air between their eyes and postures. Do you think she’s okay? I don’t think we should speak, it might upset her. I know she’s a girl and all, but…
“I’m not the plague, okay?” I muttered unhappily. “You don’t have to talk around me.”
Sitting in between both men still upset me, but now it was worse because I still didn’t know who to choose.
Doc grimaced as he drove onto the dirt trail jerking at each sound of a rock hitting his precious Hummer. I leaned my head onto Rex’s shoulder, but held hands with Tank. I know that they both looked at each other with hatred, but my mind was too focused on the bat blood to care. Doc swore then turned into a reserve.
“Get out guys,” he said grimly.
We groggily staggered out of the vehicle and stretched our limbs in the morning sun. Doc locked the trunk and our doors then disappeared inside a store. He left us outside alone. For awhile there was this awful, awkward silence between us, one that gay babies were born in. That’s when Tank walked away and, I think, watching him walk away is what made me decide. Suddenly I felt Rex’s arm on my neck and felt his breath against my cheek.
“You okay?” he breathed, his breath sweet.
“Better than ever,” I replied coldly, unhooking his arm from around my neck and storming off towards the Doc who had just exited the store.
Doc held huge bags filled with stuff. Glancing inside, I noticed four book sacks along with bulges of water.
“Who’s ready to go hiking?” Doc muttered sarcastically, loading his sack with water and treats.
We all followed suit and I loaded mine up with Rufus’s food too, knowing that I’d have to be a big girl here and hump for the both of us. Rex stuck close to me, his closeness safe and intoxicating, but also infuriating because it made me want him. Tank walked beside Doc in front of us, showing off his amazing broad shoulders and bodybuilder physique.
I will always remember the first step into that dry forest. There were sounds, plenty of sounds to fill the silence that drove a wedge between us all. There were birds high up in the trees and little monkeys swinging from branch to branch. Like my heart, from branch to branch. Next were the smells that hit you all at once, all on that first step. I could smell rain, feces, flowers, fruit, nuts, everything. It was all there, in that first step. I breathed deeply as I walked over fallen trees and under a canopy of green. There was so much life underneath that green that I couldn’t help, but to let myself be happy for awhile.
“Look at the little monkey!” I cooed.
Everyone smiled as it became obvious that I was enjoying myself and the walk. It made walking much more fun to notice all of the beautiful creatures living their daily lives inside. Even when it was time to take a break and sleep, I was still smiling. Doc found a beautiful cave that had few stalagmites. Mostly it was flat rock in an open mouth and we were glad for it. I put my head on Rex’s chest and snuggled my back into Rufus who, in turn, snuggled into Doc. I pulled Tank’s head onto my lap and that’s how we slept, all tangled up.
In the morning we weren’t as happy. It had rained overnight and snakes began to appear. Cloth-like vines cascaded from looming trees as old as dirt. Doc jokingly pointed out that he felt like Indiana Jones, weaving through this thick greenery. We all laughed at that. Day through night we walked, not quite sure what we were looking for, but certain it’d be big enough to notice. It happened around our fifth day of walking, right after our water and food break. It was a massive cave with the whole nine yards: dripping sounds, red beady eyes above, and stalagmites.
Doc knew that we’d find bats here and ergo, bat blood. The mouth of the cave was rigid, frozen in a shocked “o”. As we walked in we heard fluttering from above, it was rapid, like an escape. Again, beady eyes gawked at us. It was insanely creepy hearing the echoes and the dripping sounds, but we pushed forward. That’s when I spotted it.
Red eyes gleaming in the dark barely illuminated by the fading outside light. He had a hairy dark brown body and thick leathery wings that stretched flat over awkward bones. He was hanging upside down, his claw-like feet gripping a jagged edge of the ceiling. We could clearly see his open mouth, tiny teeth dingy and tongue flapping against them. He was the one making the echoes, screaming like a banshee with a stake driven through it.
Slowly I bent and picked up a rock, weighed it carefully, and got ready to throw. The bat sat dumb, staring at me with those pulsing red eyes and screaming loudly. I aimed and threw as hard as I could. We heard a thud and the other bats rushed upon us, beating their bony wings against our faces and skin. We swatted at them, but eventually they left, scattering further into the cave. Doc flicked on his flashlight and we all slowly approached the dying bat. His chest heaved like a wounded soldier, his head battered in, but I was not amazed.
Doc pulled out an empty water bottle and twisted off the cap. Rex pulled out a knife and I could see that this went against his nature. But here, in this dark cave, it was all about Darwin, survival of the fittest. And we, apparently, were the fittest. Rex picked up the bat gently and held it over the water bottle. Then, with a sigh of torment, he slit the bat’s neck and allowed the blood to spew forth.
The blood dropped into the container and I watched the bat die. You can call me hardcore or whatever you want, but I didn’t shed no tears for this bat. Dumb bat reminded me of Rufus, sitting there dumb, seeing me there under it. But, I can’t say that I enjoyed watching it die. Watching its eyes lose their hellish light. No, that’s not me. Despite what people may think now, that’s not me. I’m not a bomb, I’m not a monster. Or at least, not yet…
Chapter 5: Starlight
Neither Rex nor I could sleep that night. Doc had to take a pill and Tank slept soundly. Rex and I stared at the stars through the canopy of leaves, neither one of us saying anything. I could feel his warmth and I knew he was tormenting himself, watching the bat die over and over again in his mind.
I sat up. “Its blood is probably going to save nations, save worlds.” I whispered to him.
“Its blood is on my hands.” He replied softly, glancing down at his trembling palms.
“Its blood is the life for those people in the warehouse, for us. It can heal us.”
“It’s not a disease! How many times do I have to tell you that? We can’t be cured! We are going to die in insanity. We are going to let insanity envelope us and fall forever in its darkness. I’m a man condemned Rave, a man tormented. Don’t tell me I can be cured of that. Don’t give me hope that will just be extinguished with the coming of a new day. Don’t do that shit to me!” he cried, his voice hoarse with tears.
“Rex, look at me,” I whispered. “Look at me!”
He turned slowly, a tear rolling down his cheek. I felt myself choke up too. “If you don’t have hope what else can you have? You have to believe we’ll make it.”
“Seeing is believing.”
That was all he had to say. I understood. Somewhere he had been hurt too much. “Did I ever tell you what happened to me?” he began quietly, his eyes dark and almost feverish.
“No.”
“I was probed. Not by aliens but by humans, the very humans you think you know like neighbors and stuff. They wanted to know why I was becoming insane, what gave me these hideous thoughts? I felt it in my bones that they weren’t right in doing it. They touched me everywhere, and I was so young then. They showed me videos of death and destruction, videos of war and pain.” He hissed.
“That’s something about war though. It may look gruesome from a distance, inhumane, but look closer. I mean, really look inside. What about World War II, huh? Hitler was doing much worse things on his end, exterminating Jews as if they were roaches. And what about Pearl Harbor? You know how many people died because of that? In result of the war, do you know how many people lived? View that bat like World War II, killing saves lives.” I replied heatedly.
He turned over in silence refusing to reply or even look at me. Sighing heavily I turned back to the stars wondering what my mother was doing and trying to picture her in my head with flour on her cheeks and oven mitts on her hands. But all that came in response was her standing beside Rithicke and a water hose dangling from the ceiling. I felt a tear roll down and felt like I couldn’t stop myself. I reached for Rex, but he jerked his arm away and everyone else was asleep including Rufus who lay flat on his soft belly. That night I felt something break inside me like some sort of floodgate being burst and water spewing out except it wasn’t water. It was insanity…
It was still pretty dark when everyone finally woke up. I had never slept, even when I heard Rex’s soft snores, I sat awake. Tank wiped a hand across his eyes groggily, trying to assess me again and Rex looked at me with confused, sorrowful eyes. I pulled away at his attempt to touch me. Rufus bounced over to me, his fur flopping into big black eyes. Softly, I patted his head then grabbed my pack in silence, ready to leave. Doc nodded in apprehension and started back the way we came.
I avoided all of them like the plague, walking a little way away from them. Doc was worried, I could tell, but I could still feel the floodgate spilling out and I was starting to blame them all for it. If Rex wouldn’t have pulled away last night, maybe I’d be fine. If Tank wasn’t pressuring me for my love, I’d be okay. If I had never met Doc, maybe I’d be better off. If I’d killed the stupid dog long ago… Well you get the point. I was passing the blame around, even blaming the bat at some points and my mom. I don’t know how but somehow Mrs. Lonny Baker got dragged into the blame too. Anyway, the point is that I stayed invariably silent. I tried not to listen to my thoughts, and, at the same time, tried not to speak.
“Jeez, check out that view Rave!” Rex whispered, trying to get a rise out of me.
I simply turned away sullenly. His face showed vast hurt, but it was nowhere close to what I felt last night. We approached a babbling brook wherein several fishes swam with beautiful, brilliant colors. I was not aroused. I drank from the brook until I saw Tank fall into the brook.
He hit his head on a rock and was instantly knocked out, part of his brain clutching desperately to the stone. I turned to Rex for him to help, but Rex simply drank deeply from the brook and Doc paid neither one any mind. Tank floated away from us and that’s when I screamed. I couldn’t stop screaming and I watched desperately as the water took Tank away and Tank’s blood filtered through the blue water.
The strange thing was that I jumped in to rescue his brain matter from the circling fishes. Suddenly Doc had his hand on my arm and he was screaming at me. Rex was looking at me strangely and there… there on the brown bank was Tank, his eyes brimming with tears. With a start I realized that I was still screaming. I closed my mouth hard and burst into bitter tears, running away from all of them in desperation. I weaved through the forest blindly falling over stumps and roots.
I was becoming insane and I had nothing left. I was exploding, imploding. I was a bomb after all, I was a monster. I was everything anyone had ever called me. I was the garden hose around Pop’s neck, and I was the shit in Ms. Lonny Baker’s yard. So I ran. And when I became lost, I wandered aimlessly until darkness fell and everything became illuminated in starlight. I became incoherent and went randomly and rapidly from sane to insane and back. At one point I thought I spotted Bill Hamburger, squatting on a tree branch laughing silently, harshly at me. But then I realized it was just a bird or something close to it. Was it a corpse, laying flat? I had no way of knowing.
Everything swirled around and I began to forget who I was. It starts with an R, I know that much. I’ll just call myself Daffodil, I smiled.
“Where’s my fairytale ending, Mama?” I cried. “You told me I could be Cinderella this year. You told me I could find my prince…prince Rex? Prince Tank? Princes all the same.”
Then desperately I fell to my knees. “Starlight, star bright. First star I see tonight…”
And I slipped away into the blackness, my eyes going milky and my thoughts being eaten by those ravenous, poisonous ones. I’ve imploded.