The forest blurred around us as Mark ran, branches whipping past. I slipped in and out of consciousness every time Father's influence clawed through my mind, the pain was unbearable.
I gasped, fingers tightening in Mark's shirt.
"Stay with me, Alex. We're almost there."
I heard shouting behind us but it felt distant. Everything was muffled, like I was underwater.
Soon the air grew warmer. Heavier.
I blinked, barely conscious. "Where...?"
A low, rumbling growl answered me. From the shadows Cerberus emerged, his three heads blocking the moonlight.
Mark stopped several feet away while still holding me securely. "Cerberus, we need to pass."
The middle head snarled, teeth bared, but the right head's ears flattened. He sniffed, catching my scent as he looked for me.
Another pulse of Father's influence ripped through me, causing me to cry out.
He reacted instantly, all three heads snapping to my attention. A deep, mournful whine rumbled from them.
"He's hurt. His father is trying to drag him back. If we don't get through, he may not be allowed out ever."
Cerberus growled again.
"Please."
I forced my eyes open. "Cerb...," my voice cracked.
The massive beast lowered himself to the ground, bowing.
Mark adjusted his grip on me and stepped forward. "Thank you."
But before we entered, Cerberus leaned in. One of his heads brushed my shoulder with a low, protective rumble.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Just a little longer," Mark said to me as we moved forward. The air was turning thinner crackling with the changing atmosphere.
He surged forward, clutching me tight against his chest, and leapt straight into the portal. The world twisted. Then silence.
"Alex... we made it. You'll be okay."
I couldn't answer. The world grew dark.
~~~~~~~~
I was small again.
Time had a weird way of moving in hell. Both fast and slow at the same time.
The courtyard stones were cold beneath my bare feet. The looming presence towered over me, casting a shadow along the path.
"You're not trying."
"I am," I whispered.
I could hear Evangeline's laugh from the steps. She was delighted to see me fail. "I am," she mocked me in a high pitched tone, laughing. "Look at him, he's shaking."
I always shook around my father. He didn't even need to hit me.
"Evangeline," Father said without looking over to her.
She huffed, but obeyed him, returning back inside.
I swallowed hard. "I am trying, I swear." My wings were starting to grow, yet I still couldn't fly. They were larger than most of the succubus and incubus, yet smaller than they were apparently supposed to be. Evangeline's were larger and stronger at my age.
"Well it is not enough."
Never enough.
I was 300 when I shifted for the first time. And it terrified me. Every day I looked more and more like my mother. Instead of bulky and stronger like Father, I grew more lean and tall like my mother.
It hadn't happened in the courtyard, it didn't happen during training. At the dinner table.
I was already upset. I'd failed another lesson. The teacher had told my father that I was stupid. Father's silence was far worse than anger.
"You're such a cry baby," Evangeline scoffed from her seat.
"Evangeline," My mother warned her.
"What? It's true. Every one here is thinking it. He's an embarrassment."
Something inside me snapped. My heartbeat was thundering in my ears, vision blurred. I stood up so fast that the chair scraped across the floor.
"Stop calling me weak."
She rolled her eyes. "Or what? You'll cry again?"
The heat seemed to explode out of me. I could feel my bones shift and crunch. I couldn't even tell what was happening. All I knew was that I felt weird and itchy.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed.
The shock sent her flying back, my parents left stunned at their seats. I could hear a few servants gasp, quickly leaving the room.
I clutched my throat, hearing the difference in my voice right away.
"What—what's happening?" I started to back away from the voice that didn't sound like mine. My nails dug into my throat, and as I pulled my hand away, I could see nails that were growing much longer and sharper. Hands that didn't look like mine.
Father rose slowly from his seat from his table, analyzing me like I was a riddle. "You have your mother's powers."
"Him? Why him? You've got to be kidding me!" Evangeline spat, standing back up from where she had fallen.
I was too busy panicking.
"Make it stop."
My voice cracked. I didn't know what was happening, only that I didn't feel like me. And as I looked down, I confirmed it. A body that didn't look like mine. It couldn't be mine.
Suddenly there were warm hands holding my own. "It's okay," Mom whispered. "This is normal."
She cupped my face in her hands, brushing away the tears that started to form in my panic.
"I'm wrong. This is wrong. What am I?"
She shifted, her form changing smoothly and effortlessly. Her horns and tail remained the same, as her features reshaped.
"See?" Her voice was deeper. "Nothing to fear."
Her eyes were the same though her chest was now much flatter, her outfit changing with her.
Evangeline watched from the sidelines, jealousy turning into something more hateful.
I'd inherited something she hadn't.
"I'm so proud of you."
My mother brought me over to a window where I could see it. My eyes were the same but everything else wasn't. My horns had grown as did my hair. And as did my chest. My figure that was narrow had grown more curvy.
"This isn't me," I whispered.
Mother sighed, "It is Alexi. You'll learn in time. This is just another part of you."
Father didn't say a word. He didn't stop her or stop her from comforting me. He plotted. He'd found something powerful, something he could control, something he could use.
He wasn't proud. I don't think he ever was.
With the change in my powers, my curriculum changed too.
Now that I'd developed Incubus powers, I needed to be taught as one too.
At first I was popular. Since only high ranking Succubi or Incubi could breed children with gender shifting powers, I was a shiny trophy on display. Something to ogle at. But once they discovered my personality was not like one would expect from a royal, they backed off.
I couldn't fake interest like all of the other students could. Each year the lessons got more and more sexual. We were taught how to dominate over our victims. How to be in control at all times. How to trap. We'd studied the anatomy of a human, both male and female.
When we moved on to how to change our appearance was when I was separated from the class. I had to learn how to quickly change not only my appearance, but my gender. I could attune myself to any creature's desires. There were no limits for me.
But nothing came natural to me as it did the others. I could only fake interest, pretend I understood, pretend I wanted the same things. I didn't have the predatory confidence.
It was how I met Amari.
To sharpen our skills, we were sent out to the human realm to find a victim.
I hated every second of it.
The others treated it like a game. But we were around normal people, humans. I had never been around them. I knew the lessons Father had taught us growing up. How they were weak, spineless creatures. How they were not worth their effort. That they were only food,
I found them beautiful.
I was meant to hunt, but I found myself observing. I noticed the eyes around the room that were checking me out. The carnal stares from the human men thinking they had the right to do what they wanted. Little did they know I was there to potentially kill one of them.
"You're not from around here."
I froze, turning around.
They smiled. "It's that time of year I see?"
I couldn't believe it.
"How are you here? You're not from my class."
The Incubus smiled. "I have my ways. Now let's get you a drink, you're making our species look bad."
I wasn't supposed to get any type of assistance.
"You look scared."
I hated that they could tell, that I felt weak.
"I'm not like everyone else. Seducing someone doesn't just come to me like that."
My voice grew more quiet.
"And I don't want to kill anyone."
They stared at me for a few seconds, like they didn't know what to make of me.
"What's your name?"
Amari didn't treat me like a freak. Didn't treat me like a threat or like royal. They treated me like a person, like someone who needed to just talk. For once I felt like I didn't have to perform. I could be me.
That's how we became friends.
But Amari hated my taste in men. And they especially hated Damian.
The first time Amari had seen me shift they didn't judge. Not an ounce of fear of jealousy. Not even a flinch. They knew how I felt. They understood my fear.
"There you are."
I was stunned. "You're not bothered?"
"Why would I be?"
Amari knew what this meant in our world. I didn't understand how they could answer so easily.
"You seem the most you since I've met you. You're always so wound up and nervous. Does it feel wrong? It's like every Succubus and Incubus's dream."
"That's until you realize that other people don't like you for you."
"But it is you?"
I shook my head. "It's not that simple."
"But it is," Amari said. "It's not like you're two different people. It's not like we're 100 different people just because we can shift. We're just one person who can look different. Maybe you a little more than most. It's not wrong, it's rare."
Being myself even when my self changed. That my forms weren't costume changes. They were me, all of them.
But even when Amari told me this, Damian told me different.
Damian wanted a version of me he could control.
He was the first person I'd ever tried to trust. A normal-tier demon. He was nothing special or powerful or rare. But he was a perfect mold of a demon that came from our world.
I met him when I was in my female version. He liked that version of me.
Only that version.
He didn't know how much I could shift. But when he did everything changed.
"Change back."
I still remember the words. I remember trying to tell him that it was still me.
"No," he said. "It's not. It's wrong."
That word hit the worst.
He wanted the version of me that him comfortable. Only that version. He refused to see me...the real me...as acceptable.
He wanted the version that made him feel dominant, superior, in control.
He wanted me to stay small.
Damian confirmed every fear I had.
He didn't accept me. He didn't want to. He didn't try.
Dating Damian meant I could only feed from him. And once he realized he could control my obedience he would leave. For days on end, knowing what it would do to me. But still I wasn't allowed to feed. I would tell him of the things my father would force me to do, and what he would do to me if I disobeyed him.
He didn't care.
Succubi and incubi needed to feed. Father didn't care who I was with, he didn't care what form I took. He only cared about results and how I could benefit him. He would force me into assignments. To lure in specific targets.
I hated every second of it. I hated how I would sometimes have to hide it from Damian.
He wanted only the one version of me. Hell, he didn't even care what I was doing with my male form. As long as my female form was just for him. His version of me that was "right."
And when he found out what Father made me do, everything shattered.
"Where were you?"
I had tried to avoid Damian after what I had done to that boy when Father locked me in that room. I was slowly dying. I needed to feed. And I'd already wanted to crumble and hide myself away.
I'd killed him. This was the result of how weak I'd become. I couldn't hold myself back from an innocent human. He was dead the second my Father had trapped him in that room. Whether I killed him or someone else did.
Still.
It didn't change the fact of what I'd done.
"I was training."
"You're lying. You look stronger. Did you feed?"
My stomach dropped. "Damian."
He stepped back like I'd slapped him. "On who?"
"I didn't have a choice."
His expression twisted. "You always have a choice."
I shook my head. "You know I don't when my Father is involved."
"How? When?"
"I had to eat. I could've died. You were gone."
"You should have refused. In which form? Tell me you did it atleast when you were..."
He couldn't even say the words.
"When I was male?" I finished his words for him. "No. I was so weak I couldn't even shift anymore."
Damian wasn't even yelling, his disgust said enough.
"You're supposed to be mine."
"I am," I tried to cry out. "But you're killing me!"
He walked away. Just like that. Just...rejection.
I'd gone looking for him after that. I couldn't handle that it was the end. Couldn't accept it. If he couldn't love me, who would?
Things went back to normal like nothing happened. I thought they had gone back to normal. Besides he felt even colder than ever. Sitting with him felt like sitting next to a stone wall.
I hadn't expected comfort, he'd never give me that, but that day I was looking for something familiar. It was one of the small parts of my life that my Father didn't have complete control over.
I remember walking down the corridor towards his room. I remember knocking once with no answer.
I'd knocked again, still no answer.
But I heard a small noise. A moan.
The door wasn't locked. How I wished it had been.
I opened the door and the world stopped.
The bed was in use, and I knew that hair better than anyone. The frame that was currently riding Damian.
Her hair whipped around over her shoulder as she glanced over and smiled.
Evangeline.
My own sister.
Her laugh was the first thing I heard, cruel. It was the laugh that she used when she knew she won.
Damian turned to me, his expression hardening into one that was cold and unapologetic. It was almost annoyed.
It was like I wasn't interrupting THEM.
Like I was the problem.
Evangeline tilted her head. "Did you really think you would be enough? Why would he want you when he can have the real thing."
He never accepted me.
He never would.
He'd made his choice.
I backed out of the room slowly. I couldn't cry. I couldn't scream or break down. I just walked away.
How could I expect anything else? Who could want facade?
I was an imposter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poor Alex! A chapter revealing more of his trauma, and helping to explain the way he thinks. He's been shown for so long how people finding out how he's different can hurt him and how he's been dealing with a lot of body dysmorphia.