4
Dinner was terribly uneventful.
Even with Rose sitting next to me.
She whispered things like: "Her parents are rich", "He's got anger problems", or "She's as high as a kite."
Then there was Shane who sat on my other side.
He kept nudging my foot and kicking my shin.
When dinner was finally over, we headed to Rose's room.
I sat down on the edge of her bed, noting that her sheets and blankets were not white.
They were purple.
"It's not white."
She looked at me, confused.
"What?"
"Your sheets and stuff. They're not white."
She smiled, seemingly understanding now.
"Yeah. I've been here for about 3 and a half months now so I've personalized my room a bit."
Shane spoke up from where he was looking at Rose's CD's: "You'll get to personalize your room eventually too."
"Good. I hate the color white."
They laughed.
I raised my eyebrows.
Hadn't been trying to be funny.
I really did hate the color white.
I looked around Rose's room, curiously.
"You play guitar?"
"What?"
I gestured towards the guitar that sat propped up against her wall.
A smile lit up and she sat on her bed.
"Yeah, I play guitar."
"Cool."
Shane looked up and suddenly said: "We should check on Gordon. He never came to dinner."
Rose frowned then nodded her head in agreement.
"Who's this Gordon kid anyways?"
They both looked at me and said: "A friend."
I raised my eyebrows, questioningly.
They both shrugged.
As we began to walk down the hall to check on Gordon, I inspected Rose and Shane closely.
Rose was curvier than Mel, I noticed.
She had a cute button nose and hazel eyes.
She was short, shorter than me.
I was only about 5' 4", which made me wonder how tall Rose was.
Next I looked closely at Shane.
He had short brown hair and chocolate brown eyes.
For someone who was depressed, he usually wore a big grin.
He was only slightly taller than me and Rose.
At the end of the long light blue hallway, we stopped.
I soon realized that we had stopped in front of a door.
The only door that wasn't white.
The door was dark blue.
Rose knocked on the door, chewing on her bottom lip.
Nervous.
Rose was nervous.
I looked at Shane.
He was tapping his foot, anxiously.
He was nervous too.
I tilted my head, curious and confused.
The door opened.
A boy.
Around our age, I assumed.
He had blonde hair that fell into his eyes a little bit.
His green eyes were focused on us and his lips were turned down into a frown.
He was tall and lanky with pale skin.
I assumed the boy was Gordon.
He raised his eyebrows at us.
"Rose? Shane? What's up?"
Rose bit her lip then said: "We just wanted to come check on you. You missed dinner."
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"I ate in my room."
His eyes landed on me.
"Who's she?"
Rose smiled, resting a hand on my shoulder which I immediately shoved off.
She wasn't phased one bit as she introduced me: "This is Ana. She's new here. She's a sch-"
"Stop telling people about that."
She looked at me, her eyes slightly wide.
"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know that you didn't want people to know..."
"I don't care if people know, but there's no need to tell people when you introduce me to them."
Gordon interrupted us.
"She's a schizophrenic. I already knew that."
I stared at him.
"How? How did you know that?"
"I heard Dr. Arden talking about you yesterday."
I narrowed my eyes.
"For future reference, next time someone is talking about someone's personal problems, don't listen in!"
He shrugged and looked at Rose.
"Are you done with your check in yet?"
"I guess..."
"Okay bye."
He slammed the door.
I scoffed.
What a jerk.
After that incident, I left Shane and Rose and went to my room.
I sat on the edge of the bed and looked out the window.
All I could see was trees.
And more trees.
And even more trees.
I was beginning to hate trees.
Almost as much as I hated this place.
I sighed again as I thought about this place.
They had tried so hard to make it feel like home.
You could tell.
The couches with soft blankets and quilts and plush pillows.
The paintings and pictures that decorated the walls in the hall.
The wood dining room table.
But you just couldn't make a place like this feel like home.
I looked at the picture of Mel I had taped up on the wall.
It was taken two years previously.
We had been at the beach.
I hadn't wanted to go, but Mel had dragged me along anyways.
In the picture Mel was wearing a big smile, her arms wrapped around me tightly.
Her blonde hair was blowing into her face from the wind.
While she was smiling, I was not.
Instead, I was scowling.
The wind had been ticking me off.
In the moment I had been annoyed.
But now, I would give anything to go back to that very moment.
I sighed.
I would give anything to just see Mel.
I fell backwards onto my bed, groaning.
I just wanted my meds already so I could go to sleep.
I dropped my head into my hands, frowning as I felt a headache beginning to come on.
Ana.
I almost fell of the bed.
I looked up, eyes wide.
The girl I had saw before I had tried to kill myself was standing in front of me.
I gulped and stared at her.
Surely I was imagining this.
I had taken my meds this more.
There was no way my schizophrenia could have been bothering me.
Right?
She frowned.
Ana, she said my name more urgently.
I stared at her, unsure of how to respond to a figment of my imagination.
She sighed, irritated.
I swallowed hard then whispered: "Yes?"
You're meds aren't going to be good enough.
I tilted my head, confused.
"What?"
Your meds won't get them to leave you alone.
I rolled my eyes.
"This is all obviously because my meds are wearing off. Do you mind leaving me alone?"
Don't be ignorant, Ana.
"Don't be annoying, girl."
My name isn't girl.
"It is now."
My name is Kylie.
My whole body tensed up and I jumped to my feet.
My blood was boiling.
"Get out! Get out! Now! Get away from me! I don't want your help! I hate you!"
Kylie frowned.
Oh dear. I think you've brought attention to us, now.
"I don't care! Get away from me!"
I was crying.
I could feel the hot tears falling down my face.
I don't know if it was from anger or pure sadness, but I was most certainly crying.
Calm down. They'll think you're insane.
"I am insane! I am!"
I lashed out, trying to hit her.
I didn't care if she wasn't really there.
I just wanted to hit her.
I was shaking badly.
Everything ached.
I needed her to go.
Ana, people are coming. Stop it.
"No! No! No! You killed him!"
Someone was restraining me.
I fought against them, keeping my eyes trained on Kylie.
She looked regretful.
Sorry.
Guilty.
Sympathetic?
I didn't really care.
"Ana! Calm down! Who're you screaming out? Who's fault is it, sweetheart?"
I didn't answer the person talking to me.
I continued to scream at Kylie.
Her dark eyes watched me, full of sorrow.
I'm sorry, Ana.
Then she disappeared.
I yelled for her to come back.
I shouted.
I cried.
I screamed.
But I was forced to stop when pain seared through my arm and I collapsed, slipping into darkness.
The next day I found myself sitting in Dr. Arden's office.
She was watching me carefully while I looked around the room.
I hated it.
It was bright cheery shade of pale yellow that assaulted my eyes.
On her desk and on her walls were colorful drawings of unidentifiable things.
A picture of a little kid sat on her desk.
I assumed it was her kid.
A blue filing cabinet was in the corner.
It probably held all of our files.
Mine probably said I was mentally unstable.
Which wasn't a lie, really.
After looking around the room, I looked at Dr. Arden.
She looked to be in her late 30's.
She had brown hair that was cut into a professional looking bob.
Her hazel eyes were concentrated on me.
Her lips that were painted red were turned down into a frown.
"Ana?"
I didn't say anything.
"How're you feeling?"
"Can I go back to my room, please?"
She frowned.
"No you can't. Our session isn't over. What happened in your room yesterday?"
I frowned, thinking about Kylie.
"Nothing."
She raised her eyebrows at me.
"Nothing?"
"That's what I said isn't it?"
"I know what you said, I just don't believe you."
"That's a shame."
"You shouldn't use sarcasm as a self defense mechanism, Ana."
I rolled my eyes.
"You're annoying."
"Excuse me?"
"I said you're annoying."
"Um..."
"What? Shouldn't you be used to rude teenagers? You are a therapist, right?"
"I um yes I am but-"
"Are you even qualified to be talking to me right now? Oh my god you're not!"
"What...? That's not... I..."
"I'm leaving."
I stood up and walked out of the room.
Rose and Shane were waiting outside.
Rose looked up when I came out.
She looked concerned as she said: "You came out early."
"I walked out."
Shane looked shocked and asked: "You just walked out?"
I shrugged.
"Yeah. Why?"
A voice spoke up from farther down the hall: "No one's ever done that before, sweetheart."
My head whipped around and my eyes narrowed into slits.
Gordon.
He was walking towards us at a leisurely pace with a lazy smirk on his face.
I responded to him by saying: "It's good to be different. It's good to try new things."
He laughed.
I stared at him.
I wasn't trying to be funny.
"What's so funny?"
"You."
"What'd I do that's so funny?"
"Nothing."
"Then how am I funny?"
"You just are."
"You're frustrating me."
"Is that so?"
"Yes it is."
"That's a shame."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you're stuck with me."
"I am?"
"We live together."
"I can avoid you."
"You can't when they move your room next to mine tomorrow."
He began to walk away and my eyes widen.
"What?!? How do you know this!"
He called over his shoulder: "The people around here really need to work on how to keep their voices down."
"Stop eavesdropping!"
"That's no fun."
"Jerk."
He laughed again and turned around the corner.
I looked at Rose and Shane.
They were both staring at me, eyes wide.
"What's wrong with you two?"
Rose grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard.
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
"Why're you shouting!"
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID, ANA?"
I looked at Shane.
"Why is she shouting? She's scaring me."
"You made Gordon laugh."
"Yeah so?"
Rose shook me so hard I could hear my teeth rattle and my head bobbled back and forth as she shouted: "He has never once laughed at anything we say but you made him laugh! And you hate him! How?!?"
I shrugged.
"I'm a funny girl...?"
"You're changing everything around here!"
"Um okay..."
I stepped away from her and began to walk down the hall.
"Where're you going?!?"
"To visit satan. We've got to negotiate when I'm coming to permanently visit him."
I turned the corner before they could say anything else.
I almost ran straight into Kylie.
"No."
Ana, please hear me out.
I looked around before hissing under my breath: "No. I hate you and they're putting me on these meds that make me feel so drugged that I can barely see. So no! Stay away from me."
She winced.
I rolled my eyes.
I'm really sorry...
"Yeah you should be."
I'll leave you alone.
"Good. Bye."
Bye...
I sighed in relief and leaned against the wall.
But then I frowned as I realized something surprising.
I felt lonely without her.