The more I realized how everything actually fit into place, the more I wished there was a way to stimulate my own mental shutdown.
First, Ahsan had mentioned that his brother went to medical school. Then Aqsa's eyes, as gruesome as it had been, were gouged and removed with the optic nerves, the main nerve of the eye that was necessary for transplants to take place. Without the optic nerve, located in the rear of the organ, the eye would be practically useless. Lastly, Rafaa's kidney had been disposed of; a person who lacked proper medical knowledge would not be able to precisely carve out an organ out of someone's body.
Faizan knew exactly what he was doing because he was a medical student at one point, if not a certified doctor. And above all, he is also Ahsan's elder brother.
On another note, whenever I would indirectly, or directly, ask Ahsan to remove his balaclava, he would always tell me off or come up with excuses. Perhaps he resembled Faizan so much that I would figure out they were siblings from the start, which would explain why he never took it off, at least, in front of me. It didn't matter. Face or no face, he shattered more than my trust either way.
A killer headache erupted every time I tried to analyze which of the two brothers deserved more disdain from my part.
Faizan's water bucket stood abandoned in the corner of the room that was closest to the door, completely untouched. Cradling Saad in my lap, I firmly held him against me while we were alone in the dungeon room as if some invisible force would snatch away my one last reason to survive this brutal ordeal. He gazed at me blankly and occasionally looked at me curiously whenever I sniffled.
"It's just you and me, Saad, like it was the moment you first went into my arms." I gave him a glance and the child's eyes widened, in awe that there were more sounds on this planet apart from 'wah' and 'baba'. "You know, at times I had wished that you'd be able to talk to me, but then I think about all the horrid things you might say based on what you've seen and change my mind. Maybe its best that you can't talk.
"I try to imagine the number of women you've seen get raped. Did you see them die too? Were any of them around your age? Did you have any siblings? Did you witness your parents die? Perhaps they're actually not dead, but aimlessly searching for their kidnapped toddler. Or maybe they had to sell you off to these monsters because they couldn't afford to feed an extra mouth. Do you remember what your real name was? Have you ever thought about these things?"
Saad frowned, probably in confusion because he could not utter a coherent reply. The child wasn't so accustomed to my rambling, but Ahsan seemed to care for my rant sessions.
The key words there were 'seemed to'.
Saad's frown deepened when I bursted into tears for the infinite time that week.
"What's it like to feel so lonely in the world, Saad? How do you cope with it? Why is this so hard?" I wiped my nose with my sleeve and patted his head against my chest as I leaned against the head frame of the cot. "I used to think I was independent enough to be unaffected by attachments, that is, until I got here."
Saad reached out a chubby hand and lazily wiped my cheeks, but that sweet gesture only made me cry harder.
"Saad, why would he do that to me, to us? How can someone be so evil and cruel? Why are there people like all of them out there? If they do no good in the world, why are they even here just to ruin people's lives?"
The child nodded his head occasionally, perhaps in agreement, and patted either side of my face while smiling. His attempts to cheer me up, or to silence me, did not work.
"I've heard some people say that you can't ever truly be alone because God is always with you. I don't think those people have ever been in our position because it doesn't seem that way to me right now. And then there's that Quranic verse everybody quotes when something bad happens: Verily, with hardship, comes ease [Surah Ash-Sharh 96:6]. Where is the ease, Saad? Where!"
Saad sighed, temporarily giving up in his attempt to calm me down, and resorted to playing with my robes.
"Did God forget us, Saad? Did we do something so evil that we have to deal with all of this? I try to be a good person, I really do, but I don't understand why I'm here and why I have to face this. And you, especially! How old are you, like two, maybe even three? Why do you have to go through this horrible nonsense?"
I could have sworn that he had shrugged weakly in response, or maybe my delusional mind was just seeing things.
"Nobody here loves us, Saad, and the people who do care are either too far away, or dead, or missing. Nearly everyone is fake and selfish, I know that now. I don't know why this hurts more than it should. Obviously nobody in their right mind would think that a terrorist would have an ounce of mercy or kindness, so why did I give him the benefit of the doubt? I thought he had a chance of becoming normal, of becoming a good person.
"But no, it's my fault. I ignored the voices in my head and the warnings of those around me. I brought this upon myself. Saad, it was so stupid of me to think he would be any different than any other militant here. I feel so foolish."
I had stopped crying; the tears had baked themselves into my skin, leaving my face a sticky mess. "He was being nice sometimes and I thought his actions were out of sincerity. Remember how he brought milk for you and food for us both? And then there was the time he carried you and gave you back to me when Faizan said he fed you to the dogs. Was that all fake? Was that just to lead me on? Was he putting on a facade the entire time? Are my feelings that irrelevant?"
I exhaled heavily and shifted my focus away from him. "You know what, Saad? Someday both of us will run away and we will travel until we find a happy, safe place. I will raise you and teach you in case we can't find a school. I can get a job and buy you clothes, toys, books and real food. It won't be anything like what these devils provide. And then, we can pretend all of this is just a horrible nightmare we escaped from." Saad looked tired and wrapped his chubby arms around my neck.
Grief had gradually simmered away and was replaced with anger. "Saad, I don't know which type of people are worse: those who are openly cruel, or those who lure you into a convincing trap and then spring forth with their true col-"
Just then, the door flew open and he entered with a large, bulky bag slung over his shoulder. I groaned aloud and clenched my jaw a few times before speaking.
"Oh!" I scoffed in his face, causing Saad to jump slightly from his resting position, and felt quite fearless of whatever wrath I would have to face. "Speak of the devil, or the devil's brother, and he shall appear!"
Without a word, Ahsan made his way towards the corner of the room, a few feet from the cot where Saad and I were, and pulled out an array of wires and other concoctions from his bag. My eyebrows furrowed with suspicion.
"What is that?" I asked, struggling to keep the wariness out of my tone.
Ahsan did not even glance at me once since he entered the room and continued with whatever he was doing. He fumbled with a black box, which was about half the size of my forearm and resembled an oversized battery, and inserted wires into it.
I set Saad on the cot and proceeded to step onto the floor. "Ahsan, I asked what that is?"
He continued to ignore me and I yelled, startling poor little Saad as he stared at the two of us.
"Ahsan! What are you doing! What is that!"
He dropped the battery-like object, and the wires that accompanied it, to fully face me with a blank expression. "A bomb."
The room abruptly resorted to silence so much that a mild draft could be heard.
"W-what?" I choked out, slowly stepping towards him.
Ahsan said calmly, "I'm making a bomb."
Then, all hell broke loose.
"Are you out of your mind!" I screeched as both Saad and Ahsan jumped up. "As if you monsters haven't done enough damage already, you're going to make a bomb now?!
"If it'll make you feel like you accomplished something in life, save yourself the damn trouble and just choke me to death right now!" I raced up to him and grabbed his gloved hands, securing them around my throat. "Do it!"
Ahsan's eyes blazed as he tried to fight against my tight hold on his wrists. "Hayat, let go," he ordered, impatience evident in his tone.
"No!" I shouted. "If you can flog me mercilessly and betray me, then you're certainly capable of choking me to death, you filthy-!"
"Who the hell-" Faizan entered the room and eyed the scene, my hands around Ahsan's wrists while his hands were around my throat. Saad's eyes enlarged. He hated Faizan. "Hayat, love, you don't need to scream so much. It doesn't suit you. Try behaving more ladylike."
"Faizan," I addressed him quietly.
He strode closer, his lips curling at the sound of his name that came from me. "Yes, love?"
"Fuck off." I spat at his face and it felt utmost liberating for all of two seconds before he ripped me away from Ahsan. Faizan raised his hand and ruthlessly slapped the side of my face. The force of his blow caused my head to spin painfully as I collided with the edge of the cot.
Faizan knelt to my eye level and hissed, "Try that again, bitch."
Saad, who was rather observant, wailed the loudest he had ever done as he crawled over to me and patted my head. Tears trickled down my burning cheek and I was sure a red welt was in its early formation stage. The baby screeched so terribly that his breathing became extremely uneven to the point where I thought he would actually choke while crying.
But, something else happened instead.
"Annoying little shit," Faizan muttered, and a clicking sound came from his direction. Before I had time to turn around to find the source of the noise, a gunshot exploded.
From the corner of my eye, Ahsan stared, astounded, from Faizan to the cot. My eyes followed to where he was looking, hoping that it wasn't what I feared it was, and I froze completely.
Saad's crying ended once and for all.