Pain. Everywhere she touched or didn't touch. Pain was all she felt. She knew her end had come. She didn't want to go, not this soon. She had so much to accomplish. So much more to do. She was so young and she was dying but nobody knew.
Nobody except her husband. Why wouldn't he know? He was the one who had brought this on her. He was the one who had left her to die. He was probably in some bar drinking away his night.
She closed her eyes and remembered the old days. The days she had no worries. The carefree days. She was thankful for that atleast.
○ ● ○ ●
She had everything one could ask for. Parents that loved her, an amazing little sister who loved her, a respectable job, friends who were there to listen to and solve every of her problems, a loving and encouraging boyfriend. She had had a wonderful childhood. She had a chance to study in a reputed school. She was not the orthodox minded person. All in all it was a wonderful life. A life she had always wanted.
She remembers the day her boyfriend, Niraj took her on a date on her 22nd birthday. They enjoyed a movie, a wonderful dinner later on and I think its irrelevant to say what went afterwards.
They knew they would marry. They had a planned future. They were going to be that happy couple who were friends since childhood and sweethearts since college. His parents knew on their relationship. They didn't approve all that dating though they seemed quite supportive. Her parents were the ones who had no idea about their relationship. To them Niraj was just a close friend and a colleague of Sahara.
Like every parent in Nepal, Sahara's parents had a dream for their child. They had already planned each and every event of her life. Infact everything for Sahara was fixed from her birth. And she had done everything accordingly. She was what her father considered a support for their life hence the name 'Sahara' meaning support in Nepali language. She just would have to break one thing though. Her marriage. She didn't want to marry any businessman or reputed army officer or anyone who her parents had sights on. She wanted to marry Niraj, the love of her life.
Her parents though would always have suitors for her. But it wasn't until she was 26 that she got married. She didn't want to marry that soon. She wanted to marry around 29 and lead a happy life there on but everything changed one fateful day.
That day was crystal clear on her mind. How would it not be? That day Niraj had gone to the U.S. to visit his parents for a month and they had decided that when he returned he would come to her home and ask for her hand. Everything was supposed to go out perfectly. The only thing she had to do was wait and also tell her parents about her love for Niraj.
That day her parents had happily called her and asked her to come home as soon as possible. She had happily drove her car to her home hoping for good news. The prospect of finally admitting her love for Niraj to her parents made her so happy that she didn't notice the shiny black Range Rover on their parking space. Nor did she notice the hype around her house.
Her parents were not super rich. More than half of their property was inheritant but her father was a businessman with a sharp mind for money. Hence, he had been able to maintain his level in the society. However, he was one hell of an orthodox. Everything would have to be religious for him. Everything related to god. Purity was the ultimate sacrifice for god. Or so he would believe. He woke up everyday and took a shower chanting religious mantras that could be heard throughout their house. Then he involved in puja. He was a devout follower of Lord Shiva. Only after an hour of his chantings was anyone allowed to eat.
That day she entered her house grinning from ear to ear. She looked in and only then did she feel the excitement.
"Shh," she felt a hand gripping hers and leading her to the darkened hallway. Her sister, Nayarra asked her to keep shut.
After reaching Nayarra's room her sister turned to face her. "Didi. What you gonna do now?" She looked panicked.
"Why? What's the matter?" Sahara asked rather curiously and in a haste because she had to relay her news to her family. Little did she know that she would never tell her news to her parents.
"A suitor has come for you. Baba has already fixed everything. I think that you're gonna marry him," Nayarra said, her brows furrowing in concern because she was a great supporter of Sahara's love story.
"Oh. No. Who is he?" Sahara asked with nervousness. She knew this battle would be hard to win especially if her father had already wrapped his head around the whole idea. Mother wouldn't be able to do anything. Mainly because she shared her husband's intellect and she was feeble infront of their mighty father.
"Some guy named Bijay," her sister answered. "He is an army officer. Born of rich and respected parents apparently. What more could baba ask for?"
"But I was going to tell them about Niraj today," Sahara replied, her hopes and dreams starting to fade away. An ultimate fear taking place deep in her. A fear she would never overcome.
"Niraj doesn't stand a chance against this guy. His parents are immigrants. Or rather emigrants. They barely make half the money this guy makes alone," Nayarra makes a point squeezing the bridge of her nose while pacing back and forth.
"Go talk to baba. He might get angry with you if he finds out that you were already home."
Sahara walked back the hallway and entered the drawing-room. A ritual in the house was that any person entering or leaving the house would have to report to her father first. She had always followed the rule.
She walked up to her father ignoring the guests peering at her and hugged him once.
"There is my angel," Baba exclaimed happily while all color faded from Sahara's face. She greeted everyone by joining her hands and saying 'namastey', trying her best to avoid any eye contact.
"Sit, my angel. We have a lot to talk about my darling," he said and gestured her to sit on the sofa beside him.
Even as a child Sahara had been obedient. She had obeyed everything her parents asked her. She had topped her grades by working hard, mostly late at night. In her teenage years while all of her friends were playing and partying she was busy memorizing her books. Her father was proud of her. And she was proud that she made him proud. But she never got to do things she liked and really wanted. The trophy stand included all her academic achievements, her Best Student Award from final year at school was the most prized possession of her father but what was Sahara's most prized possession was hidden in an old trunk away from her father's knowledge.
It was a trophy she had won for winning a reputed International Drawing Competition held in Nepal at the time. She had won the first prize but had never had the courage to show it to Baba. What would he say? "You wasted your precious time where you could be studying to draw useless pictures?" And if she cried he would say, "I have earned the money for your education with hardwork so that someday you may be a learned young lady who can lead the world. Don't waste it on extra matters okay?" And what excited her more than drawing was to become a respected woman, an independent woman of her country. So she thought it better to hide it away.
She sat down on the sofa and looked at her father who was busy making some arrangements with the family priest.
"So Sahara. You know you're old enough now. You know why you're here, don't you?" Her father asked her.
"I guess I do," she answered, her voice becoming soft and almost inaudible due to the fear and the horror.
"Great. That's great," her father said. "So Mr. Bijay here is of a really nice family. You want to marry no beta?"
She nodded because her throat now had a lump and she couldn't form coherent words. She regretted nodding though.
"That's done then. Now we just need to have a date for the engagement." He turned to the priest and started discussing something.
Sahara stood up and gestured for her mother to come with her.
"What's it beta? Are you already so sad that you're gonna leave us?" Her mother asked laughing at her.
"No. Mom. I don't want to marry now."
"What? Why didn't you say so to your father? What's wrong in Bijay? He's rich, he's handsome, he has a respectable job..."
"Its not that mommy. I am in love with someone else," She blurted out.
"Who? Oh god? Do you really think love before marriage works? Love after marriage is a strong bond. Who is that guy now?"
"Mommy. It's Niraj. I love him. Please mommy. Help me out. I don't want to marry anybody else." She dropped hot drops of tears as her mother glared at her.
"What Niraj? That Niraj? Who always troubled you? Shiva Shiva! What am I hearing?"
"Mommy please. I don't want to marry someone I don't love."
"His parents are in America right? Do they even make money?" My parents always hated his parents.
"They do. Niraj has gone to visit them today. He'll be back in a month. Mommy. He's going to come here to ask for my hand-"
"And what makes you think your Baba's gonna give you away that easily?"
"How can he give me to someone I don't even know?"
"I don't know anything honey. Talk to your father about all this. I can't do anything." Sahara watched with blurry vision as her mother turned on her heels and walked away.
Why does these things happen to me?
She went back in a while later. Baba was busy talking to an older man. Maybe he was the father. She looked around and saw an older lady, the mother and another man who looked like an elder brother. Where was this Bijay guy? Nobody else had been here.
Oh no! She did a double take as she realized that Bijay was the one she assumed to be 'the elder brother'. Of course. Reputed Army Officers couldn't be twenty-six, could they? And he was atleast 35.
"Baba?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I talk to him for a while?" She said gesturing towards Bijay.
"Sure beta. Go."
She smiled at Bijay as he stood up to follow her.
She led him to the same balcony. "I don't want to marry you."
"Looks like you're gonna have to."
"I am in a relationship. Don't you understand?" She felt her eyes tearing up but she knew she had to remain strong.
"You should not be in love before marriage."
Oh. Great! He too is the same. What should I do?
Before she could speak another word he turned on his heels amd walked away, not even asking her to come back in. He seemed to walk with an air of pride around him. As if to say "the world is my oyster."
She got back in after a while. Now she had only a final chance to save herself. She had to talk to her father.
"Baba."
"Yes beta."
"I don't- I - I-"
"Look how shy she is. The perfect wife material. Go on beta. Tell me fast. I need to finalize the arrangements."
"What arrangements?"
"Om Nama Shivaya! This girl and her questions. That's why girls shouldn't be educated too much."
"Baba."
But he was already back to talking with the priest. Baba wouldn't listen.
The damage had been done.