A/N- Heyoo!! Sorry that I haven't been active in the past week or so. I just started school again >.< and I have been working like crazy, but I love all of the little comments and predictions that you guys are having for this story! And also, I hit 3K on this story?!? Wow I love all of you! Without further waiting, here is chapter 17! Happy Reading! -Zenovia
Armin's POV
Chapter 17
My notebook has been my main focus for the past three weeks. My schoolwork has drastically lightened over time, so I've had a lot of free time to just curl up in my dorm and write my feelings out on the lined paper in front of me. Eren's been at basketball practice for the majority of his free time, so I've barely seen him in these weeks. I'm not mad that I haven't seen him or anything, it's just I've been a little lonely. I love being able to be by myself for a little while, but when it starts to elongate it's time, that's when I start to feel depressed again. The walls around me seem to cave in, and I feel small and trapped. In Eren's absence, I've started to take my antidepressants again; just in case. For some reason however, they don't work as well as they did before. Eren was always my source of happiness in this darkened world, so I stopped taking some of my meds after I met him. Eren doesn't even know that I take the addictive drugs. He's my own form of serotonin. So every time I take my daily dose of Zoloft, I feel a little incomplete.
Although, I know for certain I will see Eren on Friday night. He has his first basketball game, and all of the squad is coming to see him play. In the times that I do get to see Eren, basketball is all he can talk about. He's been getting extremely better at making layups and blocking. "It's amazing Armin! The other guys on the team have really been helping me out. Especially Levi. I'm pretty sure he can make it to the NBA's with his skill and technique." I smile when he rants about the sport, but for some odd reason, I feel a twinge of jealousy rush through my body whenever Eren talks about Levi. Ever since the first day I met the raven haired boy, I still get the feeling that I know him somehow. A shiver runs down my spine whenever I think about his cold grey eyes, looking back at my ocean blue ones. But at the end of the day, I try and shake all of these feelings off, and focus on what makes me happy.
In Eren's absence, I've also been hanging out with Marco and Jean a lot more. I recently told the pair about my feelings for the emerald eyed boy, and they both swore that they would never utter a single word to him. "So how long have you liked him?" Marco asked me while I was hanging out at their apartment. I try and think back to when I met Eren, "Uh, probably the middle of August, and now it's almost February, so about six months." Jean squinted his eyes a little. "And he still doesn't know how you feel?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders, "Nope. Trust me, I want to tell him, it's just everytime that I get close, I chicken out. Plus, I never know what to say." I look at the floor from embarrassment. Jean scratches the back of his neck before saying, "Maybe you don't have to tell him." I look up, and stare into his hazel eyes. "What? I'm not following what you're trying to say." I tell him. Jean sighs, "What I'm trying to say is that you write about Eren a lot, right?" I nod my head and furrow my brows in confusion. "Well, maybe when you think you're ready to tell him, just give him the notebook. If it really shows how much you love him in there, then you won't have to say anything." Jean concludes. I stare at him in awe. Why hadn't I thought of that? "T-That might possibly work. Thanks Jean!" He just smirks at me and playfully rolls his eyes, "No problem, Armin."
After hanging out with Jean and Marco for a few more hours, I decide that I should probably go back and study. I bid the two goodbye, and walk out into the chill air. I pull my coat around me tighter and I start the walk back to my dorm. After a little bit of silent walking, I take out my headphones and plug them into my phone. I put on the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. It describes my predicament perfectly with every new verse. Telling Eren that I love him is going to be one of the hardest things that I've done, but to willingly give him my notebook; containing all of my feelings for him, is going to be even harder. It's been six months already since I've met the brunette. I chuckle a little at how time has flown right in front of me. It seems like we met just yesterday.
I take a few more steps, until I feel a force stop me from walking any further. I look at the face in front of me, and my eyes grow wide. "O-Oh, hi Levi! Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." He lightly shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away. I furrow my brows and look behind in confusion, until he turns around and says, "Hey, you're friends with Eren, right? You were with him when he tried out for the team." I nod my head, and squeak out a small, "Y-Yeah! He's my best friend." I say that last remark a little bit more forceful than I'd originally intended to. Levi walks back towards me, and my breath hitches a little. "He's been an amazing player for the team. Who knows, he might be able to move our team towards State this year. He talks about you all of the time during practice by the way." Levi glances at me. My cheeks suddenly flush a darker shade of pink at his remark, "R-Really?" The raven haired boy chuckles a little, "No, he doesn't. I just wanted to see how you'd react if I said that. I'm just gonna be honest with you here, I know that you like him. I saw how you looked at him during his tryout for the team. Your cheeks got pink and you smiled this little loving smile for him. Anybody with a brain could see how you feel. Eren's just an oblivious idiot. And I'm gonna give you a little advice." He looks at me with a murderous stare in his eyes. "Don't you dare tell him how you feel. If you distract him in any way, and make him lose his focus for future games, I'm blaming you. After the season is over, maybe you'll stand a chance with him, but unluckily for you, somebody else also has eyes on him too." I stand there, frozen at his words. He then turns around and starts to walk in a different direction, but before I can move my feet, he speaks up. "Don't you dare mess this up, Arlert! This year, everything is going to change." My body goes numb at that phrase. I've heard it before, I know I have. It's words have haunted me for long enough. I stare at him in awe for a few more seconds, before I finally turn away, and make my way back home.
I sit at my desk, looking at a blank sheet of paper, trying to figure out what words to say about tonight's little confrontation with Levi. I tap my pen on the desk before dropping it with a little 'clink' on the desk. I rub my face and try to replay the moment back in my mind. I know I've heard those words before. They strike a feeling inside of me that makes me want to rip my own skin off. And the moment they came out of his mouth, I knew that I've heard the warning before. After a few more minutes of staring at my empty notebook, I decide that I should just try and sleep off today's problems.
Luckily, I have no nightmare's that night. I wake to a blinding sunshine in my eyes and groggily get out of my warm bed. Today is game day, which means I finally get to see Eren today. He promised me that after the game tonight, the both of us would come back to my dorm room and just hang out together. I start to formulate a plan in my head. I think that today is the day that I tell him how I actually feel. I'll just give him the notebook after a little bit of hanging out, and then I'll figure out everything else from there. I don't take what Levi said into consideration when thinking all of this through. I've waited long enough. It's my turn to feel what it's like to show somebody real affection, and not just daydream in my mind to the tune of a love song. I want to feel what it's like to have his lips on mine again, and not have the feelings be just one sided, but with my luck, that's probably what's going to happen when I tell him. But I can't let negative thoughts get in the way of my feelings tonight.
I start to get ready for the rest of the day, when I hear my phone making a dinging sound. I open up to see a new unread message from Eren.
From Eren: Hey Armin! I left you something on your doorstep because when I knocked on your door, you didn't answer so I just assumed that you were still sleeping. Wear it to the game tonight! See you later! :)
I open my door to see a well folded basketball jersey, sitting on my doorstep. My cheeks begin to immediately flush. I'd always seen high school girls wearing their boyfriend's jersey's at football games and other sporting events, so to have Eren give me something like this made the ocean waves in my stomach tremble. I picked the red and black jersey up and looked at the detailing. On the back of the shirt in bolded letters were the words 'Jaeger' and the number '12' outlined in black. I hold the jersey to my chest and lay back down on my bed and smile. He is absolutely amazing to me, and he doesn't even realize what he's doing half of the time. I quickly trade out my shirt for his jersey, it's a little big on me, but I easily fix that by tucking it in a little in the front. I then grab my notebooks and laptop, and make my way for morning and afternoon classes.
I scribble down notes and rush past quizzes in all of my classes, until finally after what seemed like forever, I rush out of the stuffy building, and out into the fresh air. I meet up with most of my friends, and we all head into the gymnasium to get our seats. Sasha and Connie start to playfully tease me at the jersey I'm wearing, until I make the comment, "Well I'm pretty sure if you were in boys basketball Connie, you would have totally given Sasha your jersey." The two trouble makers glanced at one another, until finally turning away from each other and profusely blushing. I smirk at the two of them, and then turn my attention back to my phone. I send a quick text to Eren.
To Eren: Hey! I got your jersey this morning, thanks for letting me wear it. And good luck for the game tonight! I know you'll do great :)
After a little bit more waiting, the crowd finally starts to surge on in, and music fills up the gym in an instant. It feels like I'm transported back to the dark days of high school again, but then I look around me and see that I'm surrounded by all of my friends. I smile and tell myself that it could never get as bad as it did in high school. Without much further waiting, all of the players start to run out onto the court and start to warm up. Many people in the crowd start to cheer, and when I look down, I only care about the person who is wearing the number 12. Eren waves at me to come down near him. I hear a few snickers from Connie and Sasha as I make my way down to the bar right above him.
I smile and grasp onto the railing. "Hey! How you feeling?" I ask Eren. He nods his head, "I think I'm alright, a little nervous obviously, but just pumped full of adrenaline at this point. And you look pretty good in my jersey." He smiles at me, and I slightly blush. "Yeah, thanks for letting me wear it tonight!" "No problem, and hey, you still want to hang out after this, right?" He asks. I nod my head quickly, "Yeah of course!" I look back at the basketball court, "and I know you're going to do great Eren, just play like you've been at practice and you'll be fine. I have faith in you." He smiles back at me and flushes pink, "Thank you, Armin." We stare at each other a little longer than what should be normal for friends to do, until somebody calls out for Eren to keep warming up. "Jaeger, get you ass back here!" I shiver a little at the familiar voice. Eren gives me a sympathetic smile, and then jogs back over to warm up. I look up and I'm greeted with the devil's glare. Levi's eyes are like daggers, and I'm the one being stabbed. I gulp a little, and then walk back up the tall stairs to sit with my friends once again.
Once the buzzer vibrates the room, the players on both sides take their places. Both sides of the home and visitors section of the bleachers starts to go wild. As far as I can tell, Eren mostly plays on the offensive side, rather than defense. The clock on the scoreboard ticks by with each new play. It isn't like it is in the movies with just one second to spare, before our team scores the winning basket. Our team is beating the other by a good 18 points, and before I know it, it's already the last quarter. I look over at Eren, and he is dripping in sweat, but yet he still runs at full speed. He evades all of the defensive plays until he sinks the ball into the net, with just two minutes left in the last quarter. The other team tries to put on their best effort, but with only two minutes remaining, and how worn out they all look, they know that they won't be lasing any longer. However, that doesn't stop Eren from running at full capacity and dunking another basket. Then he gets the ball back in possession, and sinks the ball in for a three pointer, with just ten seconds left. The other team lets the clock tick out, and our side of the bleachers belts into cheers and hollers. All of my friends go down after the two teams have shook hands, to congratulate our team. I run up towards Eren and embrace him in a tight hug. He seems momentarily shocked, but then gives into my affection and holds me almost tighter. I have to stand on my tiptoes to keep my arms wrapped around his neck as we look at each other and smile. "Y-You were amazing out there Eren!" I finally say to break the ice. He chuckles a little, "Thank you, Armin."
I think for a second that he might be leaning in towards me, as if to give me a sweet kiss, but my mind is pulled away from that pleasant thought when his teammates storm over and envelope him in a huge circle of cheers and congratulations. I stand off to the slide lines, and just decide to observe. I then cautiously watch as Levi walks over to Eren. "Nice job sinking those baskets Jaeger. We still need to practice some defensive moves, in private later this week." Levi seems to glance over at me as he says the latter of the statement. I feel a twinge of jealousy nip at my conscious, but I just smile it off, trying not to give Levi the satisfaction of taking free time from Eren and my hanging out. "Alright everyone, nice job tonight. You all have to come to the party at Farlan's apartment after we all get cleaned up." Levi announces. Eren glances over at me and then whispers something in Levi's ear. The ravenette then glances over at me and back to Eren. I get the hint of what Eren is trying to discuss with Levi, and I sigh as I know what I've got to do so Levi doesn't try and get me back for all of this. I walk over to the two guys, and speak directly to Eren; trying my hardest to evade Levi's glance. "Eren it's alright, we can hang out another night." I fake a smile for the brunette, and I swear I can feel Levi's smirk from behind me. "Armin, I can't blow you off a second time. I want to hang out with you." I try and find my words to persuade Eren to go join the party. "Eren, we can always hang out another time, it doesn't have to be tonight. Go enjoy! Celebrate with your team, you deserve it!" I nod at him, and he then drops the issue. He smiles sympathetically at me, and waves as he walks back to the locker room. I start to walk in the different direction, until I feel a hand rest up on my shoulder. "Good move Arlert. Just watch yourself next time. You got a little too close to Eren at some points before the game. See ya around." I glare at the raven haired boy the second he turns his back. I shake my head and wrap my coat around me tighter as I step into the cold winter air.
Once I get back to my dorm, I put away the blanket and movies that I'd set up for tonight with Eren, and I stop as I see my notebook, lying face opened on the desk. I flip through the pages, and then turn it so the cover of it is facing the front. I put it back in its rightful place and I go to the bathroom. I stand in the little room and stare at myself in the mirror. My blue eyes seem a little dimmer than usual and I look as if I haven't slept for a few days. My energy levels have completely depleted, and I feel almost empty inside. I have know idea what's happening to me. I realize that it has only been three weeks that I haven't formally hung out with Eren, but at this point, it seems like it's lasting a lifetime. I slide open my bathroom cabinet and stare inside it. There are a few certain objects in the small drawer. A shaving razor, my hairbrush, a few ponytail holders, toothpaste, and lastly are my antidepressants. I take the bottle in my hand, and stare at the little wording on the side of the bottle. I just stare. Transfixed by all of the little details. I open the bottle and take out a single pill and rest it in the palm of my hand. I look at the little lettering on the face of the pill. I take a deep breath, and say out loud to myself, "You're okay. You are going to be just fine. You won't become the person you used to be." But as soon as I swallow the single little pill, my words echo inside the void of my mind, and I can slowly feel myself begin to unravel.
A/N- OMG I'm so sorry that this chapter took forever to come out! I just haven't found the time to write, and I got a little bit of writer's block, but luckily, it's finally out. So as always make some predictions of what you guys think is going to happen next. Don't forget to add this story to whatever Eremin reading list you have ;) and as always, Happy Reading!-Zenovia