XXI.
FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF days, I stayed at Ryan's house with his mum Rachael telling me that I was more than welcome to stay as long as needed. When she sat down and spoke to me about what's been going on with my mother, she did tell me to give my mother time to come around, that she might still be trying to process it. Rachael reassured me that I was still the same old Becca and that nothing had changed, telling me that I always had a place at hers.
It was nice to know I had somewhere to run to, but the thought of her coming around, she has had almost a whole month to let it sink in, and we are still at the same place we left off. Yes, she can be a heartless bitch when she wants to be but never anything like this, treating me like I am a child with the punishment of taking my belongings. As Rachael said, I am still the same person I've not changed. If I am being honest, she has never stayed around long enough to know who I was, let alone who I am now.
How pathetic is that?
I kept what had been happening at home to myself, with only Ryan and his family aware of the situation, not wanting to add any more stress on top of Amanda with everything else going on.
Around midday, I picked DeCeno up from work to take her to the hospital to be with her mum for the appointment. I offered to wait until they had finished when she reassured me she would be fine, only letting it slip that Chrissy was going to pick them both up. I know she felt my hesitation when she got out of the car and leaned over to kiss me goodbye.
"Nothing is happening, I promise. It is just a lift. Chrissy only wants to see my mum." Her hand took my cheek gently when I felt her fingertips brush my jaw when I gave her a feeble nod.
She leant back in again to give me one last kiss goodbye, not really knowing how to feel, only seeming to be able to stare straight ahead while the idea of Chrissy picking them up sunk in. If this is the case, why wait until the last minute to tell me? Unless she was worried about my reaction? All I would have done was ask a few questions, at least then, I would have been prepared and not blindsided. I never even realised the two of them had started talking again. I had no idea that Chrissy knew about her mum.
I began to feel bad for even being annoyed at the situation when I should be happy she has a support system. I could not shake the feeling that Chrissy was doing this to gain something in return, a feeling inside of me making me feel like she was after something. Chrissy was always and has been a selfish person, never doing favours for anyone without knowing what she would gain back in return, usually being something greater than what they had to offer. Numerous people have wanted to be in her breathing space which I never knew why, other than the obvious of her being popular, they would worship the ground she walked on.
She didn't deem anyone on her level when it came to her friendship group, usually playing them off on each other as she double-crossed them. I have heard her in the past threaten Amanda over small mundane things. I knew DeCeno could handle herself and not let people walk all over her, there have been a few times that I have caught her snapping at Chrissy. Even though Chrissy would wear a smirk when she would touch a nerve, I knew she hated that Amanda had a backbone, unlike the other lapdogs who kissed her feet.
I tried to push it to the back of my mind as I drove back to Ryan's house, needing something to do to keep myself occupied for the rest of the day, returning home still not in my books yet. I know I can't run away forever and I doubt she missed not having me there. I mean, she rarely saw me anyway as it is. Since walking out the other day and being here, I have not received any texts or phone calls from her, I could have mysteriously vanished even then, I don't think she would have ever noticed. She couldn't give a crap unless Rachael told her I'm here.
It started to lightly spit down with rain as I parked in the driveway, not seeing Ryan's car anywhere, I was grateful for him being out, giving me a chance to speak with Leah without his interruptions. I got out of the car and walked up to the front door quickly my knuckles knocked against the wood before I let myself inside, almost bumping into Leah when her hands stopped me in my tracks with a raised eyebrow.
"I need to speak to you," being vague as I walked into the lounge, pushing her back with me, a confused look washed over her face.
And that was when everything came tumbling out of my mouth. I started with Ryan acting weird towards Amanda, to her old best friend getting her later this afternoon and to everything that has happened before, between and presently. I know the poor girl wasn't ready for my vocabulary diarrhoea, I just needed to get it off my chest, she did sit there and let me get everything out in the open without a complaint, then after I shut up, Leah just carried on looking at me.
I stood in front of her waiting for some advice, not having anything else to say. She puffed out her cheeks and let the air out slowly, her hand raking through her hair as she looked at me with a raised eyebrow and sympathy on her face.
"I understand that you are new to this, so I'm going to say this as nicely as possible, Bec." She began to say.
"Great." I breathed out and slumped onto the sofa, preparing myself for whatever onslaught was heading my way.
"Stop. Reading. Into. It." She spoke each word before finishing it with a laugh.
"I'm trying not to, I just, I don't know." I sighed, covering my face with my hands, still feeling her eyes on me.
"Right, let's go get something to eat, I'm hungry. We can keep talking." She muttered as she stood up from the sofa, her hands grabbing mine as she pulled me up to my feet when I showed no interest in moving.
Much like her brother, Leah was also food motivated and would never have a serious debate if there was not going to be food involved. I let her pick where we were going, funnily enough, she chose the same diner Ryan and I usually go to. This did not surprise me because their food was good, and their milkshakes are the best in this town. I have tried most of them, vanilla being my favourite, I'm not very fond of the strawberry, but the chocolate was good.
We decided to take the booth towards the back of the diner, already having ordered our milkshakes while I sat there and sipped on mine, Leah looking over her shoulder to see what I was looking out before she looked back at me.
Leah cleared her throat to get my attention so we could slip back into the conversation we were having back at home. I will be honest, she made me realise that I had forgotten the fact Chrissy and Amanda had a history together, with her knowing her mum and now the current situation and for me not to take it to heart or think too into things. Amanda is going through a lot right now, and having a support system was a positive thing for her.
However, following the last fight that I had with her, I remember that she threatened DeCeno. And now it seemed like with a click of her fingers, everything had been forgiven and forgotten, buried in the mud. Thanks to her, I have to keep my braces on for longer, I have a scar on my upper lip from where she split it after kicking me in the face with a cheap shot.
And just like that, nothing happened.
Leah said that she understood my point of view and why I was quiet and off guard but kept telling me to see it from her point of view. Remember that when her father passed away, Chrissy was probably the one who was by her side.
I guess Leah is correct though Chrissy was by her side through everything she had gone through with her dad, so maybe having someone familiar was making it easier for her. I know I need to cut her some slack and try to understand that what she is going through is going to be hard but yet, at the same time, as her girlfriend, should it not be me to be the one there to hold her hand and be her shoulder to cry on and to be her rock to lean on.
At the end of the day, I only wished that she had kept me in the loop and told me they were speaking again instead of finding out at the last minute.
When our food finally came to the table, we ate in silence until Leah started asking a question now and then while I watched the people coming in and out of the diner, which made her look over her shoulder to see what got my attention.
"You are making me paranoid, Bec." She joked when she noticed nothing was going on, a small laugh coming from me. "Ryan has a new girlfriend, by the way." The words tumbled from her mouth when my gaze snapped back at her.
"Since when?" this is news since he has not mentioned anything to me. I have been around him the past few days, so you would have thought he would have said something or maybe dropped a hint.
"I have no idea if they are official or just sleeping together." She shrugged while I frowned at her.
"Oh," was all I could say. If Ryan is only seeing this girl, then that is not any news, this being his regular thing.
"No other questions, just oh." Her eyebrow-raising when she looked at me, guessing this was something she had no idea about him. Letting it slip that they are brother and sister, I doubt he will brag about all the girls he has slept with to Leah. I have no clue as to why he does this to me.
"I am sorry to tell you this, Leah. That is normal for Ryan. I don't want to be thinking about him sleeping around while my girlfriend is spending the afternoon with the girl she used to love. I should be there with her, not Chrissy." I moaned even though she gave me the reason as to why Chrissy was with her.
"This girl is a train wreck." Pushing her point, unsure who she was talking about.
"Wait, Amanda or the girl Ryan is seeing?" I quickly asked.
"Both." She deadpanned, "but I'm talking about Ryan, if you saw her Bec, you would understand."
I would be lying if I said she didn't pique my interest, knowing that I had some investigating to do, along with some poking and prodding to find more about this girl. I am a little surprised that Leah knows about her unless it was a moment of being caught at the wrong time in the wrong place.
-
The following day at school felt strange, with the atmosphere feeling like everything had started to settle and feel normal, yet I was the only one walking backwards. Inside I knew that Chrissy felt like she was back on top of the predatory hierarchy and was running this show.
I stood staring into my locker while I debated on being here when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and felt a soft pair of lips kiss the back of my neck. I felt my jaw clench as I put on a small smile, trying not to feel frustrated about yesterday.
When she was with Chrissy yesterday afternoon, neither of us texted the other one until I stopped being a child about the situation and asked how the hospital appointment went with her mum. Instead of texting me back, she rang me and told me briefly what had gone on and what was said. She told me briefly what was recommended and advised and what treatment plan to move forward with
"Morning," she spoke quietly when I turned around to look at her, her arms snaking around my neck when I gave her a gentle kiss.
I didn't get the chance to say it back when she gave me one more kiss and swanned off towards Chrissy, my eyes watching her when she wrapped her arms around Chrissy to hug her. Chrissy shot me a look as they hugged while I rolled my eyes and walked away. I knew this was becoming a game to her.
All I could keep doing was, counting the days until there was a distance between Chrissy and me. University could not come quick enough.
Over the last few days, the acceptance emails slowly came through already received two offers out of five, Amanda's not spoken to me about where she wants to go if she has anything come through, she's said nothing to me about any offers, the last conversation we had about university was when everyone was enrolling months ago. As far as I am aware, I'm the only one who has plans after this school has finished.
I sat down at one of the empty tables and scrolled through my phone to keep myself occupied to stop myself glaring at Amanda and her bitch, not wanting to read into something that does not exist just because I am bitter right now. I glanced up from my phone when Catherine came and sat down opposite me as I went to stand up in response, not wanting to deal with her shit this morning as well, that was until she told me to sit back down while I did what I was told, not understanding what she could want from me.
"What is Amanda trying to achieve? I thought her and Chrissy stopped being friends?" wanting to hear the gossip on why she is with her again.
I just sat there with a frown on my face, not understanding why this was getting under her skin, even though it was getting under my skin too, but I had a valid reason that was beyond social status.
"She's not doing anything, she is allowed to talk to other people even if it is Chrissy." Jumping to the defence. Shutting down the comment before my mind took me down the never-ending path of jealousy, even though I had nothing to be jealous about...
Great. Here we go. This is going to be fun.
"It's more than just speaking." She commented back, not helping with the niggling in the back of my head.
"Really? Cathrine, I am not doing this with you. First off, one, it is far too early, two, I am not playing your games." Pointing out the obvious when I stood up, already hearing enough of her complaints.
"Sit down, I'm not playing games, she is doing this to get to you." She spoke quickly. I paused briefly while my leg still hovered over the chair before sitting back down for the second time.
"And you know this, how?" trying to call her on her bluff.
"I overheard her conversation with Tiffany. I just thought I should let you know." She shrugged and got up, throwing her goodbyes while she walked away, leaving me to sit alone again.
I guess it is always good to know if you are in Chrissy's bad books, she must love me if she is after me every spare second she has. Chrissy can keep Amanda. There is no way that I am not fighting over who she can be friends with, and like what Leah said, they have a history together and that she knows Amanda's mum on a personal level. Leah's words were on repeat loud and clear inside my head as I scrubbed out what Catherine had said.
The few classes that I had that day went by quick, leaving me to have biology while I took my seat and slumped my body over the desk with my hands holding onto the edge like I was holding on for dear life, holding onto my sanity.
I felt a soft pair of hands run up my forearm, fingertips lightly running back down when I looked up to see DeCeno with a warm smile on her lips. She pressed her lips to my knuckles when I let go of the table, sitting up straight with a stretch as I watched her speak with someone else in class before the teacher came in to hush us down.
For what seemed to be longer than an hour, the class dragged on slowly with the teacher talking about our upcoming exams, he handed out a list of specific subjects we needed to study. Ensuring the whole class knew that this was going to be the be-all and end-all. This was going to be the big one. The one to guarantee to give us the final nail to our universities of choice. How we should make them want to be the ones who do the choosing and how they should want us to accept them.
For the remainder of the lesson, he rambled on about micromanaging the next coming weeks before we finally leave for study break before summer hits. Summer felt like it was never going to come around since spring has not popped its head up yet, begrudgingly coming late, the winter cold stayed hanging in the air.
When the final bell rang, the class scattered out while I waited for the mosh pit at the doorway to disperse before Amanda took my hand and pulled me along.
The weather was still bitterly cold, but nothing like it had been, the temperature slowly climbing up, I was just glad that the snow had started to melt while spring was waiting around the corner to show its face. I would welcome it with open arms at this point.
When we got to the car, I quickly climbed on in to turn the engine on while she waved and said goodbye to someone, the words that Catherine had fed to me earlier played on my mind like I knew it would, just wishing she would have just kept her mouth closed.
"Would you like to come back to mine? My mum is out visiting family for a few days." She asked when I looked at her as we left the parking lot.
"I don't mind." I shrugged, "Chrissy won't be there, will she?" taking a jab her way, she let out a laugh that held no humour.
"And there it is. I will be honest, I thought you would mention this a lot sooner than you did." She pointed out, taking her dig. I mean, I did deserve it since I was the one who started it like usual, but Amanda was the one who shut it down.
For the rest of the drive, I kept quiet and stayed silent. I chose not to say anything further and dig myself a deeper hole that I could not climb out of I knew I had annoyed her with my comment, so keeping my mouth shut was for the best. I was thankful when we finally reached her house, her getting out first without a word leaving me to follow close behind as she let us inside.
I was waiting for whatever she was going to say to me, Amanda never stayed silent. I would be lying if I said I was not a little scared. Her being silent was not a good thing. She must be seriously pissed at me if she will not say anything or throw out a sarcastic comment my way. I couldn't help but puff out my cheeks when we walked up the stairs, my feet dragging me into the room when she turned around to face me when I sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Before we get into this, say what you need to say." She spoke, her arms crossing over her chest with a blank expression placed on her face.
"Why Chrissy?" was the only question that would leave my mouth. Rather hear it now than be aired out at some point down the line.
"What do you mean, why Chrissy?" a frown on her face as she looked at me. If she was not annoyed already, she sure as hell was right now.
"It doesn't matter," I let out a sigh, her facial features flicking to the way she used to look at me. I wish that I kept my mouth shut now.
"Well clearly, it does matter. Otherwise, you wouldn't have mentioned it." I felt like she was ready to go for my jugular when she did not back down. A hard look in her deep brown eyes.
"I did not realise you two were talking again." I shrugged as I stood up, thinking that it was probably for the best if I left.
"I didn't realise I needed your permission," she snapped.
"Now you are putting words into my mouth." My voice came out dry, not having her make me sound like I control her. It was only a statement that has never come up until now.
"Then what are you trying to say?" her left eyebrow arching up while she looked at me, her eyes going darker the more annoyed she got.
"I'm not saying-" I was abruptly cut off. There was a heavy knock on the door when her eyes looked at me, bringing the phrase if looks could kill to a whole new meaning.
I heard her breathe out a long breath, clearing her throat before she went downstairs to answer the front door, while I lay down on the floor to stare up at the ceiling, not realising her roof was that weird popcorn surface paint. Then again, I haven't laid on my back much in her bedroom for me to notice.
I felt my tongue click against the roof of my mouth when I heard Chrissy's voice. Her voice felt like it ground against my bones. Everything that she was involved in would annoy me to the core with her face, her preppy voice and fake smiles. She has to be one of the devil's minions then again, even satan was not that cruel enough to set one of his pets free to roam the world.
Amanda was silent, no words leaving her mouth when I could imagine the look on her face, giving me a small chuckle at the awkward silence.
"Can I come in?" Chrissy asked slowly.
At this moment in time, I wish I was lying on the top of the stairs like a dog to hear everything they were saying. Imagining their facial expressions gave me a deep sense of joy. Amanda's voice was low and quiet when she froze at the self invite.
"Not today. I am exhausted, Chris." She sighed, keeping her voice low and quiet to cover up her annoyance, while my breathing halted to listen to what Chris' response will be, but nothing followed.
Just silence.
"We can watch a movie," she spoke up again, not hearing Amanda answer. "Is she here?" the disdain dripped from her tongue when I guessed she was talking about me, a smirk pulling up the corner of my mouth.
"Look, I am not doing this. I'm tired and want to sleep it has been a long day. I will text you or something." Cutting down the question but making it known I was here.
I started to feel smug, the fact that DeCeno was going to come back to her room and come back to me into my arms to fall asleep. For once, I had the upper hand. That was until I started to feel like an asshole, making me feel like I was not allowing her to speak to Chrissy, which was not the case.
What my problem was, was the fact that she did not mention it. Chrissy never came up in any conversations or topics. It went from zero contact to her appearing out of the blue.
Either way, I knew I had to let it go when I went and laid down on her bed, hearing the two of them talking still while I closed my eyes and willed myself to get over it and be the bigger person. As DeCeno said, she does not need my permission to speak to someone, even though that is not what I was trying to argue.
As soon as I heard the front door shut and her letting out a loud and long sigh of exasperation, my eyes fluttered open, leaving me staring up at the ceiling as she came back into her room. I automatically opened my arms for her to fall into my side as I cuddled her, her head lying on my chest.
We stayed quiet, neither one of us speaking when I was sure she had fallen asleep, her breaths small and shallow as I held onto her. I am not going to lie that I was afraid to let her go. She looked like she was ready to crumble as every second passed. I have never seen her look this fragile as if she was going to shatter if you say the wrong thing. I wouldn't even know where to begin if it came to picking her up and collecting all the pieces.