*trigger warning*
Life returned to normal after Frank's funeral, time continued to move forward, summer began to phase into the milder temperatures of fall, children returned to school, happy couples strolled by with their hands entwined, and it all felt so wrong, because Gerard was stuck, stagnating in a perpetual state of mourning that showed no signs of lessening in the near future, and he didn't understand how no one else was even remotely affected by Frank's death.
Gerard was actually angry with everyone for pretending everything was okay, because it wasn't, not even close - fuck, the world should be ending, the apocalypse should have started the second Frank passed away, and yes - Gerard knew he was being ridiculous, but he honestly didn't understand how the earth could continue to turn without Frank in.
It didn't help that he was alone now, with nothing but his memories of Frank to keep him company. Mikey and Pete had returned to New York a few weeks ago, school had started up again after all, and just because Gerard had decided to take a year off didn't mean he expected his brother to stay with him the entire time.
Still, Gerard was lonely; he missed Mikey's presence - hell, he even missed Pete, but although they had invited him to move up to New York with them, Gerard just couldn't - not yet. He wasn't ready to leave the home that he had shared with Frank, no matter how painful staying here was.
Mikey wasn't happy with Gerard's decision, and neither were his parents, but Gerard didn't really care; he was an adult, and he didn't want to burden them with his presence, because they didn't deserve that, and he knew that was all he would be to them in his current state.
Honestly, Gerard didn't want anyone to see him this way, because Gerard may have thought he had been a mess in the week after Frank's death, but now he was barely alive; he hardly slept, he forgot to eat more often than not, he didn't speak with anyone besides the occasional phone call to Mikey, during which he faked a happy tone and tried to convince his brother that he was coping, even though he was anything but - still, Gerard didn't need Mikey to know that, because Mikey couldn't help him now, no one could, except for Frank, and he was lost to Gerard forever.
Gerard was self-harming again; he hadn't wanted to, because he knew Frank would kill him if he was here, but Gerard couldn't help himself. He barely felt anything now that Frank was gone, he didn't even cry anymore, and it wasn't because he didn't want to - fuck, he felt like he should be a sobbing wreck most of time, but he just physically couldn't. His body had numbed itself in some sort of defensive mechanism, and even though it helped in a way, Gerard hated not being able to experience any emotions at all.
But he could feel the blade, the pain, the hot blood running down his wrist, and he needed that, he needed those moments, because without them, he wouldn't be able to release everything that was slowly building up inside of him, but even with his ever increasing sessions with his razor, Gerard was breaking apart piece by piece, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he snapped completely.
Weeks dragged on, but Gerard didn't pay them any mind. Without Frank, Gerard had no purpose in life, and he spent most of his waking moments relieving the past; his dreams were constantly filled with Frank as well, the happy ones almost hurt more than the nightmares of his death, because when Gerard woke up, he was forced to face the fact that it wasn't real, and Frank hadn't been snuggled into his side only moments ago, which usually left him staring at the ceiling until morning, too afraid to fall back asleep and too tired to move.
It was after one such dream that Gerard decided he couldn't do this anymore; Frank had been wrapped in Gerard's arms, their lips brushing against each other in a flurry of tender kisses, and fuck - it had felt so real, and Gerard wanted that sensation back, he needed it. He was nothing without Frank, just a broken, empty version of the man he used to be, and even though he was being selfish, Gerard had lost the will to continue living, he just wanted to be with Frank, and even if killing himself didn't reunite him with his lover, at least this waking nightmare would be over, and maybe Gerard could finally gain the peace that he so desperately craved.
Gerard had made up his mind, and he knew he wasn't going to back out this time; Mikey wasn't here to stop him, and even though Gerard hated the fact that this his actions would end up hurting his brother, the regret wasn't nearly as poignant as the eternal suffering he was now wading through, and Mikey would be okay eventually - he was strong, so much stronger than Gerard, and he had Pete to help him through this, so at least he wouldn't be alone.
Now all that was left was to decide how to end it, and even though Gerard's first instinct was to cut, he wasn't sure if he could successfully do that without passing out; he didn't make it a habit to go too deep, and on the off chance that Mikey came down this weekend to visit, he didn't want his brother to find him unconscious instead of dead.
Gerard didn't own a gun, so that left him with one other option, the wide variety of pills in his cabinet. Taking enough of those should end things quickly, much quicker than bleeding out, and Gerard just wanted this to be over, no mistakes, no chance of resuscitation, so he pulled out every bottle he owned, lining up over forty pills on his kitchen counter, his hands shaking softly as he completed the task.
Grabbing one of his many sketchbooks which had been sitting untouched on the table for weeks, Gerard ripped out a blank page, searching the room for a pencil so he could try and explain to Mikey why he had to do this, even though he was certain that Mikey would understand - he might not agree with Gerard, but this would come as no surprise to him.
Mikey
I tried...I really did, but I just can't do it, I can't keep living this way. I miss Frank so much, and I have to take this chance to be with him again.
I know it might not work, and if you were here right now, you would be calling me an idiot and rolling your eyes, in the most loving way possible of course, but I need to do this. I'm not myself without him, and I never will be.
Please don't be upset with me, I am going to be happy now, I hope...
Tell Mom and Dad I love them, and that I'm sorry.
xoxoG
Gerard frowned down at what he had written; it didn't seem like enough, but he couldn't think of anything to add. A part of him wanted to call Mikey one last time, to have his voice be the final sound he heard before his life ended, but Mikey would know something was wrong, Gerard wouldn't be able to hide his inner turmoil from his brother this time, so the letter would have to do.
Gerard stepped away from the pills from a moment, choosing to wander around the house aimlessly, saying a silent goodbye to the building that had meant so much to him; it had been Elena's, and then his, and then his and Frank's, and now it would be his tomb.
Eventually, Gerard ended up back in the kitchen, the pills calling out to him from where they lay; it was as if Gerard could physically feel them pulling him closer, they were begging to be taken, and Gerard didn't have the strength to fight their powerful allure any longer.
One by one, he began popping pills, not bothering to keep count of how many he consumed, pausing after every few to gulp down some water, his stomach beginning to churn after the first twenty or so. Gerard welcomed it though, he opened himself up to the feeling, because that meant the end was near, and Gerard wasn't afraid, not even close - actually, he was relieved.
"Gerard..." The soft voice caused Gerard to drop the glass he had been holding, shards skittering across the kitchen floor as Gerard's eyes danced around wildly.
This couldn't be happening, Gerard was just delusional, or hallucinating, or something, even though it was too soon for the pills to be affecting him that strongly, but whatever the case may be, that had been Frank who had spoken, Gerard would recognize that tone anywhere, but that was impossible - wasn't it?
"Gerard." The voice was louder now, more insistent, and before Gerard's very eyes, a shimmery image of Frank appeared, causing Gerard to gasp in surprise, the few pills still stuck in his throat choking him as he tried to form a coherent sentence.
"Frank...is - is that you?" Gerard gasped shakily, his body taking an involuntary step backward, even though what he really wanted was to run into Frank's arms, to try and touch the apparition that couldn't be real, but Gerard didn't give a shit right now, because it looked like Frank, and it sounded like Frank, and that was good enough for him.
"Gerard...you promised me, you promised that you would live on without me, so why are you doing this?" Frank asked softly, his bottom lip quivering slightly in the way it always did when he was about to cry.
"It is you - oh god Frank, I missed you so much," Gerard cried, ignoring Frank's question completely as he crossed the room in three large strides, eliminating the distance between him and Frank as quickly as possible, reaching up with a trembling hand to touch Frank, but he felt nothing, only air, even though he could see Frank standing before him plain as day.
"I'm here baby, I told you I would find a way to watch over you. Even though you can't always see me, I promise you that I am right by your side, every second of every day. Whenever you need me, I'll be there, and I know it isn't the same, but I'm not gone, and I'm happy now, and I'm not in pain, but I will be if you don't throw those fucking pills away." The image of Frank smiled softly to take the sting out of his words, and even though Gerard wasn't sure if this was all a product of his own mind or not, Frank's words still hit him hard, and he felt a spike of guilt rising in his gut as he glanced over to the pills still resting on the counter top.
"But Frank...I just want to be with you, I can't live without you, I tried, and it's so hard. I'm sorry - so fucking sorry, but you were the only thing in my life that made it bearable, and I just..." Gerard trailed off under Frank's gaze, his hands twisting nervously behind his back while he tried to find a better way to explain himself.
"I know Gee, believe me, I do, and I miss you too, but this isn't okay, this won't bring us back together. I promise you, if you hold on, that everything will get better, and one day, we will be reunited again, but not like this baby...not now," Frank explained, a wistful expression crossing his face as he spoke.
Gerard had no reason to trust this apparition, because for all he knew, this Frank could simply be a product of his own mind, and all of this was lies, but if Frank was in his head, wouldn't he be agreeing with Gerard? Gerard didn't know, but he did know that he felt awful for betraying Frank's trust, and as much as he wanted to die, it didn't feel right completing the task with Frank here watching him, hallucination or not.
"I - I'll try Frank, but I think I might have taken too many already," Gerard whispered softly, his hands coming up to clutch at his stomach as a hot rush of pain enveloped him, his insides twisting uncomfortably as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
"Gee - baby, I need you to listen to me, you have to throw up okay, please?" Frank pleaded, his hands pushing Gerard gently over to the sink, and Gerard barely had time to comprehend the fact that he could feel the pressure of Frank's palms against his back, the agony in his body was distracting him from everything else, and it was taking all of his concentration to keep listening to Frank words. "Stick your fingers in your throat baby, come on, you don't have much time."
Gerard didn't have a chance to protest, because Frank was moving his hand for him, forcing it into his mouth, and Gerard let him, leaning back against Frank as he began to gag heavily, and it wasn't long before Gerard was vomiting noisily in the sink, the undigested pills mixing in with the bile leaving his mouth.
Tears poured down Gerard's face as he continued to throw up, his throat burning as his body expelled everything that had been in his stomach, which honestly wasn't much, and that only made the grisly process even more painful. Frank was there the entire time though, whispering encouraging words in Gerard's ear until he was finished, helping him slump down against the counter when his legs gave out underneath him.
"How are you feeling Gee?" Frank questioned, his cool fingers brushing Gerard's hair back from his sweaty face. Gerard had stopped questioning Frank's existence at this point, right now, he was just glad that he was here, and he was trying his best to soak up every moment he had with him before he disappeared again.
"Uh...not good, I'm dizzy, and my stomach still really hurts," Gerard admitted weakly.
"Okay, fuck - you have to stay awake Gee. I need you to stand up and dial the phone, call 9-1-1, we need to get your stomach pumped," Frank begged, but Gerard could barely hear him now, everything around him was growing fuzzy, his head felt six sizes too large, and his neck wasn't able to support it anymore.
"Frankie...I love you," Gerard mumbled as the world began to spin wildly around him. "I will always love you."
"No - I'm not letting you die, please Gee, please get up," Frank whimpered, trying his hardest to tug Gerard to his feet, but even though Gerard could feel Frank's skin on his, his effort didn't produce any results, and Gerard stayed where he was on the cold tile floor.
As Frank continued to struggle in vain, he began to seem more insubstantial, his physical form blurring even more as Gerard watched, and Gerard wasn't sure if it was the oblivion of unconsciousness that was trying to drag him under making Frank appear that way, or simply his imagination, but Frank was definitely fading, and Gerard wasn't ready for Frank to leave him.
So, with a monumental effort, Gerard heaved himself to his feet, using the sink to anchor his arms when his legs wobbled unsteadily, and Frank's smile made it all worth it when Gerard began to inch his way toward the phone, fighting the blackness that was encroaching on his vision rapidly.
"That's it Gee, you are almost there, you can do this," Frank encouraged Gerard, his words helping Gerard find a hidden strength he didn't know he possessed.
Right before Gerard reached the landline, it began ringing, startling Gerard so much that he almost lost his footing, but somehow, he stayed on his feet, and with a last burst of strength, he grabbed the phone, cradling it to his chest as he collapsed once again.
"Hello?" Gerard heaved out, trying to force words past his aching throat.
"Hey Gee - are you okay? You weren't picking up on your cell phone," Mikey's voice chimed through the receiver, and Gerard heard Frank's sigh of relief when he caught on to who was on the other line.
"Tell him to call an ambulance baby," Frank whispered, and Gerard nodded slowly in response.
"Mikey - I need to go to the hospital...I took a lot of pills. I threw them up, but I think I'm going to pass out."
"Fuck - okay," Mikey was silent for a few moments, but Gerard could hear a quiet conversation going on in the background. "Pete is calling 9-1-1 right now, I'll be there as soon as I can...Gerard - Gerard?" Mikey's voice became frantic when Gerard didn't immediately respond, a scuffling sound coming through the line which Gerard could only assume was Mikey getting ready to leave.
Gerard wanted to answer, but he couldn't seem to make his body cooperate, even his hand refused to hang onto the phone anymore, it clattered down next to him as his fingers lost his grip, but it didn't matter now, help was on the way, and so was Mikey, even though Gerard wasn't sure if that was what he wanted or not.
"Don't leave me Frank..." Gerard managed to choke out, turning toward the shimmering version of his boyfriend who was kneeling before him with a concerned look on his face.
"I won't love, I promise. Remember what I said okay...I'm always here, and I'll be waiting for you, but you need to wait for me as well," Frank whispered, his hand clasping Gerard's gently as he spoke.
And as much as Gerard's eyes wanted to close, he forced his lids to stay open so he could gaze at Frank for as long as possible, and even though Frank was definitely fading away now, his hazel irises still enraptured Gerard, overwhelming him with the sheer love that was reflected there.
Frank reached out with his free hand, brushing away a stray tear from Gerard's cheek that he couldn't remember shedding. Gerard sighed quietly at the feeling of Frank's soft skin on his own, his eyes fluttering shut in pure bliss, and once they were closed, Gerard couldn't find the strength to reopen them.
"I love you Gerard, forever and always," Frank's voice reached his ears, and then he was gone, Gerard knew without looking, because he could no longer feel Frank's hand in his, he could no longer sense his comforting presence.
Gerard whimpered softly, reaching out blindly for Frank, even though he knew he wasn't there, but it didn't matter anyway, because Gerard was losing the battle with his body, his limbs growing weaker as he slumped down inelegantly against the floor, his legs bumping the table, causing the note he had written to Mikey to fall next to him.
Gerard's last coherent thought was how happy Frank had looked when Gerard decided not to give up, the joy that had emitted from his every feature when Gerard answered the phone, and even though all Gerard had wanted for the past few months was to die, he found himself hoping that he would make it through this somehow.
This story is almost over now, there is only going to be one chapter after this and then an epilogue. I will try to have those both posted tomorrow, but if that doesn't work out, they should be up by Wednesday at the latest.
Chapter dedicated to stephiero (I am going to do dedications like this now, because you are all awesome, and I feel like I repeat myself when I list why I am dedicating the chapter to someone, but basically, it is because you vote and comment on the story, so yeah).
((((feelsy vibes))))
<3 starr