"I don't want to go back there," I whispered. Seeing Jace and hearing the sound of his voice made it final. I knew that it was far too soon to be confronted with what happened. I took in a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut tightly to stop tears from falling.
"You don't have to." Noah said softly. I uncovered my face to look at him, and he was kneeling in front of me with a concerned look on his face. I felt my stomach twist with embarrassment at the fact that someone was looking at me with that much pity. I was a basket case, sitting in the middle of the floor with my eyes filled with tears that I didn't want to let fall. He cleared his throat, turning back to the rest of the group who had similar looks on their faces, even Sebastian. "I'll take her to her room."
He turned back to me, holding his arms out as if he were asking for permission. My hands were shaking uncontrollably, and I didn't trust my legs to be able to walk back to my bedroom without giving out on me. I gave a swift nod, and he quickly scooped me up into his arms. I put my hands around his neck to help him at least slightly, not that he needed it with the strength runes he had carved into his skin prior.
Noah walked through the hall, carefully maneuvering me in his arms to open my bedroom door once we got there. He went inside, carefully placing me down onto the bed. He sat down beside me, speaking gently, "you can cry if you want to, Clary." He told me. "It might help."
"I won't cry," I said defiantly.
"Crying doesn't make you any less strong," he told me, his voice soft. "I know that I may not know you very well, but I do know that you're strong. You're upset, and being upset over something traumatizing doesn't negate that."
"I am a shadow hunter," I pointed out, "I kind of have to be strong."
"That's true," he replied, "but even us shadow hunters have our moments. We are part human, and we feel emotions that sometimes can feel like they're overwhelming." I looked into his eyes, noticing that they were a bright golden color. When he blinked, it disappeared, leading me to believe that my eyes were simply deceiving me.
"You sound like you've been through this before," I told him, eager to shift the focus of the conversation away from myself.
"I mean... I get what it feels like to be hurting," he admitted. "I just... I'm not sure what I would have done in your shoes. I don't think that I could be as strong as you are."
"In all fairness, I don't know what I would have done tonight if you weren't there." I replied, and he tilted his head slightly. "I mean, I know that I wouldn't have stayed and talked it out with him, but I felt frozen there. I've never felt so powerless, so at the mercy of emotions that someone else caused me. It was terrifying, you know? And then you pulled me into the portal, thank you by the way, and I wasn't frozen anymore."
"I'm sorry, it was more of a reflex than anything," he told me. "I just didn't want you to get hurt, you know? I saw you looking at him, and you..." He trailed off, shaking his head.
"I get it. Sebastian's orders, I guess," I said, looking down at my hands.
"It isn't just about Sebastian's orders, Clary." At that, I looked up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed together, and he looked as though he was trying to think of the right thing to say, "When I saw you in the street that night, there was just... something about you, I guess. And you coming here and me having the chance to meet you, I just knew that I wanted to protect you."
"Noah?" I asked, confused at the sudden outburst of emotion. He ignored me, continuing.
"And seeing you tonight... I know that I don't want you to ever be put in that position again." He shook his head, looking into my eyes. "I know that we just met, and that it's stupid, but I just want you to be safe... to feel safe. And I hope that I can be someone that you feel safe around."
"It's not stupid," I whispered. It felt comforting to have someone care so much about my feeling of safety. Before I could tell him that, though, he stood up, running a hand through his hair.
"I'll let you get some sleep. It's been a long day for you," he told me, and I just nodded. "I'll be in my room if you need anything."
And with that, he was gone. I wasn't sure if he was embarrassed, but I hoped that he wasn't. I moved to sit back against my pillow, my leather jacket bunching up around me. I groaned at the uncomfortable feeling, standing and walking to my bureau. I opened it to find that it was filled with pajamas, and stifling a laugh, I picked out a pair and slipped them on.
I walked over to my bed, moving to lay under the soft blankets. My body felt exhausted as the adrenaline wore off. I shut my eyes, attempting to shut my mind off and allow sleep to envelope me in its grasp.
My eyes opened and I took in my surroundings. I was in Idris, but everything was painted with a blue tint. I could feel a tingling sensation spreading throughout my body, and I looked down to see my clothes floating in the air around me, my feet hovering just above the ground. I sucked in a breath, and a searing pain tore through my body. I raised my hands to my throat, and my arms felt heavy. I couldn't breathe, and my throat felt as though it was on fire. Looking upward, I saw a glistening surface and I realized that I was under water. Flailing my arms, I tried desperately to reach the surface.
My body forcibly attempted to draw in another breath and I cried out in agony at the feeling of water filling my lungs. The water was cold, biting into my skin and throat, everywhere inch of exposed skin that it touched. I continued to thrash around until I reached the surface of the water. I spit up the water in an attempt to clear my throat of the burning liquid, but my body was still enduring an incessant pain. Looking around through my blurred vision, I had a second realization: I was in Lake Lynn.
Just as I became aware of this, I felt something slimy seize my ankle. Before I had a chance to react, it was wrenching me downward into the depths of the freezing lake. "Help!" I screamed, but my voice was drowned out by the water that surrounded me. I moved my arms to no avail, the creature relentlessly pulling me further and further down. "Help!" I screamed again, and this time I could hear myself with absolute clarity.
I sat up, inhaling the refreshing oxygen that I had been deprived of for what felt like hours. I sucked it in, letting my lungs fill up with something other than the water I had convinced myself that I was drowning in. I pulled my knees to my chest, my vision adjusting to see the four walls and old furniture I had become so accustomed to seeing. Closing my eyes, I rocked slowly back and forth as I reassured myself that it was a justdream.
I was startled when I heard a knock on my door. My vision shifted from the furthest wall to the wooden door. "C-Come in," I stammered.
The door opened and I watched as Sebastian stepped through. He was illuminated by the moon's soft light gleaming through my window. "Are you alright?" He inquired, his eyes wide as he looked at me.
"Why?" I responded, shaking my head in confusion.
"I heard screaming," he told me, and I sighed, closing my eyes as I was filled with the familiar sense of embarrassment that had seemed to come nonstop lately. "Did you have a nightmare? I was afraid that-" He stopped for a brief moment, "someone was here or something," he finally said.
"It was just a nightmare. They seem to be a recurring theme in my life," I said sheepishly.
"Oh," He nodded. "I actually have something for that." He didn't explain any further before stepping out of the room.
I waited for a few moments until he finally came back in, holding a small glass filled with a purple liquid. "This should help you sleep," he said, handing it to me. I smelled it, my stomach growling at the sweet smell that wafted into my nose. I raised my eyebrows at him, wondering why he had it prepared in the first place. He seemed to sense my lingering thought. Sitting down on the bed, just far enough to leave some space between us, he began to explain. "I used to have nightmares—Well, I still do. Just, about my childhood. It got worse after our last few encounters, though..." He looked down.
The moon cast a gentle light on Sebastian, his features seeming more delicate than they had under the bright lights in the Institute. He maintained his perfect posture, but his head was hanging low, his hands firmly clasped together. In this position, he looked like a worn-down man, someone who had demons from his past that were constantly surrounding him. I think that is what led me to say what I told him next, "Thanks Sebastian... You really did show me a different side of you today." He looked to me, his eyes wide for just a moment, before they resumed their previous position. He stood up.
"I doubt you actually believe that," he responded. "But I hope to show you one day that I can truly be a good brother. Good night, Clarissa."Before I could reply, he was leaving again, closing the door behind him.
I looked down at the glass, raising it to my lips and drinking it quickly. It tasted like honeysuckle, and I tipped the glass upside down to make sure that I drank all of it. I placed it quickly on my nightstand, feeling my eyelids droop slightly as I put my head back down on the pillow. Within a few moments, I was asleep yet again.
I woke up from a dreamless sleep, yawning and rubbing my eyes as I moved to sit up. I felt refreshed and as though I had, for once, slept enough. I stretched and then walked into the bathroom, bushing my teeth and my hair and then making my way out into the hall.
"Good morning, Clary," I heard someone say. I looked up to see Dylan leaving his bedroom, a smile on his face.
"Good morning to you too," I responded. I looked around at the empty hall, "is anyone else awake yet?"
He snorted, "it's eleven, everyone is awake."
"Eleven?" I asked incredulously, my eyes wide, "that stupid potion! I'm never taking anything from Sebastian again."
"It's fine," he waved his hand at me, "we're all taking it slow today. We have nothing on the schedule."
"Well, that's g00d." I said, taking notice to the fact that he was wearing a regular shirt and shorts. I glanced down at my pajamas, "I think I might change and then go train."
"Just wear comfortable clothing, that's what everyone else is doing." He said, turning away and walking down the hallway.
I breathed in, making my way into my bedroom yet again, but this time with a mission in mind. I took off my clothes, changing into a black v-neck and a pair of maroon shorts. I pulled my hair up into a pony tail before walking down to the training room.
"What are we up to today?" I asked. I wanted to make sure that they knew that I was in a completely different mindset than the night before. I wasn't going to present myself as a broken girl, but instead someone that could hold her own. Each of them turned around and I suddenly felt small, my confident composure faltering slightly. I still held my head high, though, raising my eyebrows at them.
"Today?" Liam asked, "you woke up a bit late, sunshine."
"Thanks to Sebastian's drugs," Dylan responded for me. I smiled at that. "Maybe we should call her moonshine."
"Ah yes, after the alcoholic beverage." Noah said, rolling his eyes, "we're just lifting."
"You're lifting," I pointed out, scanning the room with my gaze. "Dylan just walked in, Sebastian is doing flips, Liam is watching Sebastian, and Chase is running on a treadmill."
"I am not watching Sebastian!"
"I was just walking over to lift, too."
"What?" Chase asked, being nearly drowned out by the rest of the voices. He stopped running on the treadmill to turn his attention to me.
"Oh, nothing," I shook my head. "Go back to what you were doing, I'm just going to sit here and admire all of your abilities to allow a fellow sister to wake up late and waste half the day on something as mundane as sleeping."
I heard a few chuckles, but ignored them and made my way over to Sebastian. "So, I take it you didn't like the potion?" He asked, scratching the back of his neck.
"Oh, no." I looked up at him, "I actually loved it. I haven't been able to sleep well for a few days, and that really fixed me."
"I'm glad to hear it," he replied.
"So..." I said, feeling as though energy was coursing through my veins. For some reason, I decided to say: "Y'know what? I bet I could beat you in a fight."
"Ha." Sebastian said, actually laughing. Everyone around us paused, clearly listening in on our conversation.
"Did she just say what I think she just said?" I heard Dylan mumble, and Liam said something that I couldn't hear.
"Seb is a bit rusty," Chase chimed in. "You might have a chance there, Clary."
"I think she's got him beat," Noah said. "Clary, Clary, Clary."
The rest of them joined him in a chant, and Sebastian shook his head, "I'm not going to hurt you."
"You won't. We can do it with the wooden knives." I told him, but I knew that I should have been reassuring myself instead of him.
"You're sure?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. One, singular eyebrow. I felt a blaze of indignation ignite within me at his stupid ability to raise just one eyebrow instead of both of them at the same time. I held out my hand, waiting for someone to hand my a knife.
"One-hundred percent." I said, and I felt someone place a knife in my hand. I turned to see Noah just as he threw Sebastian a knife. His gaze returned to me.
"You've got this, red." He said, giving me a wink. "Okay, ready you two?"
"Yes." Sebastian and I both said at the same time.
"Go!" Noah yelled, backing away from the two of us.
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Xoxo