When I woke up I expected the pain. I expected the torture, for my safety to just be a dream. Instead I was blissfully painless, which automatically made me think that I had died. Thankfully I hadn't, because if I had then that would mean Adrian was dead as well.
People couldn't hold dead people's hands. And if this was heaven, there was no reason for one to be asleep. Or so I supposed. I wasn't entirely sure what would happen after death.
Mason always refused to tell me.
"He hasn't left your side," I looked up the door to see an exhausted looking Sydney.
"He thinks that it's his fault," she continued and I frowned, staring back down at him. I lifted my hand from his and gently pushed his messy hair out of his eyes to get a closer look. His face was more pale than usual and he had black bags under his eyes.
"Has he been eating?" I said through a dry throat, though I must admit that it felt better than before.
"We force a feeder here every day, it all depends on his mood whether he accepts." Sydney walked in and stood on my other side, studying my face.
"We're lucky that your body is more willing to accept Lissa's magic now, you'd be a lot worst otherwise." I found that odd, since last time Lissa and I had tried my body still barely accepted.
Before I could respond Adrian had woken up, sitting up quickly and blinking blearily before staring at me. It took him a moment to realise that I was conscious, when he did he gasped and hugging me tightly.
"Rose, thank god you're awake, I thought we'd lost you." He kissed my forehead and I simply hugged him back tightly, not answering. I thought he'd lost me as well.
"I'll go get the others," Sydney left us alone as I nodded and Adrian pulled away from me, holding my hand tightly.
"Dean?" he asked softly and suddenly my eyes began to sting and well with tears at the memories. There was a deep ache in my chest that made me feel like clawing at my skin. The pain...of God, it hurt.
"Oh, Rose," Adrian hugged me again, sliding into the bed as I sobbed heavily into his chest, high keens drawing from my throat. I let him think that Dean was just a victim, because, in my eyes, that's all he ever was. I'll die with that information. After all, it is the least that I could do.
That's how people found Adrian and me and slowly, awkwardly, they all shuffled in.
When my crying stopped I was exhausted again and hiccupping.
"Can I have a shower?" I asked into the still quiet room.
"You've been asleep for a few days, and while we tried to get the blood out of your hair we couldn't...and I know how much you hate the hospital robes so I brought you some clothes as well, but they may be too big," Lissa shuffled forward and placed a bag on the end of the bed.
I nodded my head, wiping at my face as I glanced down at the IV in my hand. I frowned and ripped it out of my skin. It was barely a pin prick to what I've been through, so I didn't even wince as it began to bleed. I took the rest of it off and ignored Mum's scolding.
I just wanted to look into the mirror. I wanted to see how bad the damage was. And I did.
The mirror wasn't that big, but it was clean and showed me from my waist up. My brown hair was matted down my back, stuck with blood and dirt and whatever other fluid I had lain in. I wondered how long I had been away, for it to become like that.
My eyes were yellowing, hints of the bruises healing and my nose was slightly crooked from multiple breaks. I was glad that I wasn't awake for Lissa to reset it. My jaw looked bruised as well.
Looking down there were pink raised burns in random places all over my body, mostly my wrists, stomach, thighs and ankles. I had pink lines covering my back; knife cuts you could see when I turned around. Nothing looked as if it was scabbed, but almost at the end of the healing process. Sydney was right, my body had been accepting Lissa's healing.
My body was thinner than ever before, my ribs poking out, and I realised that even if I wore the clothes from when I had stopped eating, even they may fall off of me. My eyes were drawn, though, mostly to the pink lines that wrapped around my ankles, just above my knees and my wrists. The scars from where the cuffs and fishing wire had held me bound.
Looking into my eyes I realised that I looked just as dead as Dean had.
I had a shower turned on too hot and scrubbed my body until it was red, but I could do little for my hair. The water was stained pink and I wasn't bothered to continue this. I washed most of it out before drying myself and wrapping a towel around my body.
I opened the door and they all turned to stare at me but I tried to ignore their pained looks.
"I need scissors," I could see they were about to ask but Mia simply nodded and went into a draw before handing me them. They watched me as I turned back to the mirrors, bundling all my hair in one hand began to chop it off. They gaped as I cut my own hair to above my chin hazardously, choppy and looking horrible, but now the matting could come undone. When I finished I put my head under the water and washed it again, rubbing my hands through the short strands.
I sighed; it eased the tightness of my skull. After brushing my hair I closed the door again and dressed and realised I was right. The clothes were a little too big, but thankfully they didn't fall off of me. I pulled the drawstring of the grey sweat pants tight and pulled the tank top on before sweeping the cut hair into a bin with my hand.
Everyone still sat there, but now a doctor had entered. She looked shocked as she saw my hair before smiling.
"Short hair suits you," she commented "we need to check up on you before you can leave, I hope that's okay?" I nodded once, not speaking.
She did whatever she had to before stepping back, looking almost worried "you went through a lot, Rose," I knew this speech and interrupted her.
"I'm not seeing a shrink, if I'm all good to go I'd like to." She looked shocked before nodding once.
"The forms are already signed, you're free to go." She left the room and I pulled on the flip flops that Christian handed me.
I thanked him before grabbing the duffle bag and headed towards the same place Ambrose had worked.
I knew Adrian was following me, telling the others that we'll catch up later.
"Where are you going?" Adrian asked, falling into step beside me. I glanced over at him and felt guilty for causing his worry.
"Getting my hair fixed." I responded and Adrian nodded.
Adrian made sure to ask for the 'best hairdresser' and I simply thanked him as he insisted that he would pay. That was good because I obviously didn't have my wallet on me. All I wanted out of it though, was to not look like myself. I was over being me.
If anything, all I wanted right now was to be so far away from everyone, so far from the pain and the memories. So far from everything that reminded me of friends and family, because I knew that if I wasn't hurting myself, I was hurting them.
"Come on, Rose, Doc said not to let you eat but I think you deserve a doughnut," I grinned at Adrian and took the hand that he held out, letting him guide me to whatever café he wanted to go to. Oddly enough, I didn't feel like a doughnut. Or eating actually.
We walked to that café he had taken me to that first day he saw me and I huffed nostalgically. So much had changed.
After we sat down with a tea and doughnut I stared down at them, biting my lip.
"What is it?" I looked up at Adrian who studied me, and not my aura, just me. I was kind of glad that I had somebody who knew me enough to read me, but then I hated it as well.
"What?" I asked, too innocently.
"Rose, I know you, aura or not, something is on your mind, I'm not asking you to tell me about your time there, but talk to me," I stared up at him and realised just what I'd done. It wasn't only me that was affected by this, it was him as well, and the others maybe.
Adrian, even while drunk and being affected by the darkness that comes with spirit, always had a certain...shine to his eyes. It seemed that the shine had been dimmed. It hurt knowing I was the cause of that.
"How long was I gone?" Adrian frowned.
"We all agreed that we shouldn't tell you," he hesitated.
"Adrian, I need to know, you can't keep this from me, please," I begged and he huffed. Running a hand through his unkempt hair and nodding.
"Okay, okay...it's been around two months, just a little ways away," my heart stuttered for a second as shock ripped through me.
"That long..." I trailed off, slumping back into my chair.
"Rose, like I said, I don't want to know what happened in there, because frankly I don't want you to relive it, but people are going to want to know...especially why. I know it was Dean, I'm not stupid, he was the only one left you'd run for, the only one you may have loved more than Dimitri, but the others don't know that." I began to cry again and Adrian slid his chair in beside mine, wrapping an arm around my shoulder he held me tight.
"Don't tell them, please don't tell them," Adrian nodded, rubbing his thumb along the back of my neck.
"I won't, it's okay, I won't."
The worst thing, I think, about this situation was the future. The future is dangerous, and I already had my plans. I knew them the moment I ran out of that cave. There was only one thing left for me to do, and that was to finish this once and for all.
Nathan had to die. Whether I came back from this or not, I had a duty and a friend to avenge.