There was a horrible silence in which all eleven of us turned to stare at Jake, who had gone ghostly pale, seemingly unable to tear his eyes away from Ella being dragged up steps to the gallows. He appeared to be having difficulty breathing.
Several things happen at once.
She looked up. I wasn't sure, but it looked like she saw us. Her eyes seemed to lock with Jake's.
He took a deep breath, as if to yell.
Andy tackled him to the ground, covering Jake's mouth, muffling the shout of, 'Ella!
Everyone jumped back, making room as they wrestled on the ground for a few moments.
Andy hissed at him lividly, "Are you crazy?!"
Jake jerked his head away from Andy's hand and glared murderously while struggling furiously in his grip, "Let me go!"
"Jake, listen to m—” Jake abruptly cut off Andy's sentence by kicking him in the stomach and jumping up while Andy keeled over, but Andy quickly scrambled back to his feet and grabbed Jake again, this time with the aid of Ashley.
"They've got her! They've got Ella!" He protested frantically, the exertion showing on his face as he tried to free himself from their grasp. He was livid and desperate, eyes glowing fiercely.
"I know, Jake, and I understand, but you need to try and focus so we can figure out what to do." Andy's deep voice was fairly calm, but his face too showed the effort of containing Jake.
"No!" Jake shoved the arm Andy had across his torso away, and stabbed an accusing finger in his direction. Even though their voices were hushed, his hiss still managed to stab like a yell, "You don't understand a fucking thing, Andy; you don't have anyone you need or love or care about! You don't know what it's like, you’ve never had anything as real in your life!”
I watched Andy. Something flickered in his eyes for the briefest second, something like hurt and shock, but he quickly recovered and his expression became one of anger, eyes turning icy as he narrowed them. He stepped forwards into Jake's personal space and squared his shoulders.
"Listen, Jake,” his voice had turned deadly soft, “I know who I am, and what I 'understand'. I also know that I'm the leader. It's alright for you," He practically spat the last word, jabbing Jake in the chest with his index finger, "You just want to protect the girl you love. But me? I gotta protect every single person in the fucking Legion. Everyone back in that camp, and here in this room, they all depend on me," His voice held a ferocity to match Jake's own anger.
Everyone remained silent, watching the two men with wide eyes.
His expression softened a little, but his look was still steely, "I know how much you love Ella, and I respect that. I really do. But you're putting your personal life first, and you can't do that: we really can't afford that. And believe it or not, as harsh as this sounds, she is not my priority at this moment in time. My fucking priority is getting everyone out of here alive. And that isn't gonna happen if you go yelling so the minions can come and capture us, too!"
The fury on Jake's face had faded a little, leaving guilt and despair in its place. It was clear he knew himself that everything Andy had just said was true. His gaze dropped to the floor, and he remained silent.
Andy sighed heavily, and placed a hand on Jake's shoulder, "I'm not heartless, Jake. I'm just doing what I have to. There's absolutely nothing that can be done about this. It's too late for her. I'm so sorry, brother."
Jake swallowed thickly, and looked back up at him, "It's fine," His voice wavered, "I mean, she was always dead, right? Should never have gotten my hopes up. Sorry."
"Don't be." Andy was sympathetic, but Jake was already turning away, pulling his mask back on and grabbing his bag with controlled, mechanic movements. After a pause and a helpless look at the rest of us, Andy copied him. We did the same, and headed out of the door, Jake being the one to lead the group this time.
We went out of the back door, the way we had come, and crossed an alley that allowed us a view of the square. Thankfully, The Monarch was still talking and people were too distressed to notice the shadows in the alley, so no one saw us.
"Don't look." Kier whispered to me, referring to the stage. I didn't want to. I could picture Ella's body hanging lifeless all too clearly and felt sick to my stomach. The wave of hate I felt towards F.E.A.R. now was ten times what I had felt before. They were just pure evil. How could anyone still believe in them?
The mood on the way back was somber; the raid had lost its fun. Even CC, Suki and Ashley, who were almost always witty and animated were walking along with their heads bowed, shooting Jake sympathizing looks and murmuring softly to each other. I hung back, at the rear of the group, fighting angry tears. It was just so unfair. So horrible. So cruel.
Nobody talked the whole way back, just walking and sitting in the Jeep in silence. I wanted to say, do anything to break the tension or make Jake feel a little better, but I had never been in this position before and didn't know what to do.
As soon as Jake's feet hit the floor after descending the ladder, he ripped his mask from his face and was off, striding at running pace down the corridor, head bowed so his face was hidden from view. People who had been walking jumped aside, watching him go with puzzled expressions. In a split second decision I knew I would probably regret, I ran after him.
He disappeared up one corridor lined with rooms and disappeared, so I followed. I wasn't sure which room was his until I stopped outside the one with duct-taped cardboard serving as a door, with the number '56' on it. I stopped because I heard muffled, broken, sobs coming from inside.
"Jake?" I called softly, hovering unsurely outside the door.
The sobs abruptly stopped, "Go away." Came the faint groan.
Ignoring this, I pushed the cardboard to the side slightly and peered into the dark room. He was lying on his mattress, face pressed into his pillow. He hadn't taken his war paint off and the off-white fabric was smudged. His head lifted and looked at me. Through his hair, I saw that his expression was bleak, and the skin around his eyes red and puffy. There was a small, flat square on the mattress next to him. It was a photograph. I took a hesitant step into the room. He didn't stop me. Then another.
I sat down carefully beside him. Still he remained silent. After a pause I gently picked up the photo and looked at it. It was faded and crinkled. The picture had been taken out in the desert, the sun shining down on the happy, young couple with their arms around each other. Jake looked younger, maybe in his late teens or early twenties, his hair shorter and his eyes happier. He was looking down at the girl beside him. Ella. She was pulling a silly face at the camera, but even with her tongue poking out and her face screwed up it was clear she was still beautiful. Her dark hair was in a braid, with a white fabric rose stuck behind her ear. It broke my heart to see how content they had once been, and now everything was destroyed. This girl wouldn't pull any more stupid faces at the camera or wear anymore flowers in her hair. This man would never look at anyone else with the same shining love in his eyes.
"Jake..." I sighed, not sure how I should comfort him. Looking up from the photo, I saw him watching me, expressionless, "I'm so sorry, Jake."
"Why?" His tone was blunt, "You weren't the one to hang her."
I swallowed, struggling to think of ways to answer that, "I don't... I don't know. Actually, why do people even say sorry when someone's died?" I was talking to myself more than to him, now, "It's not like they can turn back time or anything. Not like it's their fault. God, I'm sorry. I'm not good at this comforting shit. No one I know has ever died. I don't know how it feels."
He looked away, and I followed his gaze to a small, rickety chest of drawers in the corner of the small room. On top of them was the fabric rose. The petals were fraying and discoloured. He returned his gaze to me, and spoke after a few moments, "You want to know how it feels, huh?"
He didn't wait for me to answer, "It's like... like a scar I thought had healed but has opened up again, and it's worse than before. It's like I've been punched in the stomach, over and over again. I feel sick. I don't want to get used to it. I can't get used to it," He seemed uneasy at first, but once he started talking everything else just seemed to spill out, "Everybody else already thought she was dead, when she disappeared, but I couldn't accept it, y'know? I had always hoped one day she'd come back to me. These things happen sometimes. I just wanted it to be true so badly I failed to see the reality of it. And now she's never coming back," His voice faltered momentarily, but he swallowed and continued, "I can't... when she first disappeared, I thought my grief couldn't get any worse, but this, this is torture. I keep looking back and seeing ways I could've saved her. I should've realized it was her sooner and acted. Maybe she'd still be alive. But instead I watched the girl I love die and I stood and did nothing." His voice was full of self-loathing.
"Jake, don't you dare beat yourself up about it. There really was nothing you, or anyone else could've done. Did you see how many minions there were? They would've killed all of us before you could even reach the stage. Ella was going to die, either way. Sorry," I added, when he flinched at the last part.
He swallowed, looking down, then back up, "I... I guess," Then another heavy sigh, "If you don't mind, Mallory... I'd rather be alone right now. But thank you for talking to me."
"Oh, sure. And you're welcome." I replied as I got up. He didn't reply, only pressed his face back into the pillow as though I wasn't there. I left quickly, not wanting to intrude any more.
My heart felt heavy with sympathy. Poor, poor Jake. I hated not knowing how to help him. It frustrated me to see people upset, especially when there was nothing I could do about it.
I ran a hand through my straggly hair. What a grim day. The events of the past few hours hadn't upset me as much as everyone else here, because I didn't know Ella, but it had still been pretty awful to see. If anything, her death had been fuel for the fire inside me, the determination to bring F.E.A.R. down burning even brighter. A new determination inside me, I decided that I would go and find Andy to discuss the rebels' next move. I set off down the corridor with a purposeful stride. It was pretty empty; the news of Ella's death had travelled fast and most were mourning.
There was a long, thin crack running down the ceiling of the corridor, showing the desert sky and allowing light to spill into the murky caves. From the golden tone of it, I guessed that the sun was setting right about now. Suddenly, I heard a soft giggle from a room I was just about to pass. I didn't think anything of it until a hand shot out, grabbed my arm and pulled me past the curtain and into the small chamber.
The first thing I noticed was the odd, sweet smell. Then as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw Suki, CC, Ashley, Kier, and two other guys I didn't recognize, all huddled in a small circle. Suki had been the one to pull me into the room, and she had a strange glint in her eyes. CC gave another high-pitched giggle.
"Um, what's going on?" I asked, bewildered, as they all grinned at me mischievously.
Suki collapsed into CC's lap in a fit of uncontrollable giggles. I looked around the circle, bewildered.
Ashley was asleep, snoring softly with his head on Kier's leg, who grinned at me. His smile didn't look one hundred percent lucid and his eyes were quite red.
The guy with the messy, sandy hair and blue eyes nodded lazily at me, "'Sup? I'm Danny," He had an accent similar to Kier's, only his was rougher, slightly less cultivated, "And this is Vic," He gestured to the guy who sat next to him, who had shoulder-length brown hair and a dark tan. He held something between his fingers. I didn't know what it was. It looked a little like a cigarette, only with a more pungent scent. Vic took a drag on it before passing it to Danny. A few seconds later, the grin was wiped off Vic's face, and he lunged towards the back of the room, only to throw up. I wrinkled my nose. Everyone else groaned and yelled, "Vic!”
CC was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his face. Danny seemed to be the most sane, so I directed my question at him, "I'll ask again: What's going on?"
He glanced up at me again; the tone of his voice was vaguely patronizing, "This is a magical substance called marijuana. We're getting high. Wanna join in?"
I vaguely recognized the word. Despite F.E.A.R. controlling the city, there were some things that they couldn't put a stop to. Like the secret black market, taboo and unspoken about, where people traded forbidden items, such as drugs and alcohol, desperate for their fix. Like the whispers of doubt that so many exchanged out of F.E.A.R.'s earshot, wondering if the rebels were onto something. Like the things that went on in dark alleyways and behind the school building. I wasn't naive, but I had stayed away from all of that stuff, for the most part. I knew it could only lead to trouble.
I had heard these things weren't safe, but it seemed to make everyone else happy, and I had already experienced enough danger to last a lifetime, so what was one more thing on the list?
Besides, with Ella and Jake still heavy on my mind, I could use it. So I shrugged and sat down in between Kier and Suki, shoving Ashley's legs out of my way, "Sure."
Danny passed me the joint, "Take a deep breath. Make sure you inhale it properly."
I did.
~*~
A few hits, everything was fuzzy. The room spun whenever I moved my head. It made me feel a little nauseous, but it was funny. I understood now why Suki and CC were laughing. There were rainbows in the air. Everything was very loud, the sounds hitting my ears. I frowned, and tried to put my hands over my ears, but I missed and accidentally punched myself in the side of the face. CC pointed at me and roared with laughter before collapsing on the floor again. After a second try I succeeded. The sounds faded a little. It sounded like I was underwater.
"My head huuuuurts." I heard myself say. Was that really me? My voice sounded too high-pitched and slow.
Danny turned his head then. Towards where I thought the doorway might be, but I couldn't remember. "Oh, shit." He muttered. His voice sounded strange, too low. I chuckled.
Suddenly there was light. It hit my eyes blindingly. I squinted, and whined, "Owwwwww."
A deep voice I vaguely recognized, "Danny, what the fuck is that smel– oh, for fuck’s sake!"
I lost my balance then, and oops, I was falling. My head hit the floor but weirdly it didn't hurt. I looked up and after a moment of my blurry vision adjusting, I recognized Andy, standing in the doorway, towering over us. His eyes were midnight in the dark, but they still glittered. Like stars. Pretty stars. And they would've been even prettier if his expression wasn’t so murderous.
"Danny, where did you get that?" He demanded. He stormed across the room and grabbed the joint out of Kier's hand, who protested, but Andy ignored him, dropping it to the floor the proceeding to crush it forcefully with the heel of his black boot. Then he turned on Danny, "Well?"
Danny looked as though he had to think about it. Then, "Kier got it for me. Someone in the city was growing it in their basement."
Andy sighed heavily, "I thought you guys'd know better than to bring drugs back to camp by now. You know it affects everyone's training, and we don't have time to waste. You're all a bunch of idiots." He glared at each person, but not at me. Why? He didn't even look at me. Why was that?
"It...," Suki was still gasping after her last laughing fit, but she managed to sit up and say, "It's better than... than sitting around crying... over Ella. We're just trying to have fun."
"I know you're all upset over what happened today, as am I, but really, you sh—" He broke off. I glanced up, wondering why he had. His eyes were locked on me, like he'd only just spotted me lying on the floor by his feet. I gave him a small wave and chuckled to myself again.
If his expression had been murderous before, it was lethal now.
"Are you insane?" Andy snarled. Everyone flinched, "She's sixteen, for fuck's sake! Who knows what sort of damage it could do to her brain?" Ashley woke up then, yawning and rubbing his eyes as he sat up. CC burst out laughing again. Andy's enraged face became even angrier, if that seemed possible, "And you two! You're supposed to be the responsible ones!"
"Chill out, Andy." Ashley murmured sleepily, before closing his eyes and leaning on Kier again, "It's just weed."
"Yeah," Danny added smugly, "Stop being so damn serious all the time."
"If I wasn't, this whole place would fall apart! Someone's gotta be sensible. Whatever," He sighed, exasperated and weary, "I'm done with this shit. You guys just do whatever the fuck you want. I don't need this shit right now."
It seemed Andy's rant was over. I tried to sit up and rejoin the circle, but suddenly he grabbed my wrist and yanked me to my feet, "Not you. You're coming with me."
"Whuu..." I tried to ask him why, but suddenly began feeling drowsy. My knees seemed to turn to jelly as soon as I stepped out of the room, and I collapsed to the floor again.
"Tired?" Andy looked down at me from where I lay in a crumpled heap on the floor with a half-bemused, half-furious expression on his face. I made a faint 'unghh' sound before closing my suddenly heavy eyelids. Go away, I thought.
"Oh, no you don't," I was airborne suddenly. My eyelids flew open only for a wave of vertigo to hit me as soon as I did. I groaned. After it had passed I saw that Andy had lifted me up and was now carrying me down the corridor in his arms, "You can't sleep in the hallway."
I didn't respond, but yawned. It was really weird how tired I had suddenly become. Guess it was a side effect of the 'weed', as Danny had called it. Looking up at Andy, I noticed his face seemed to sparkle in the dim light of the torches, and his eyes were luminous. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, another of the side affects of the marijuana, but my mind was hazy and my thoughts were slow and disconnected, not really forming coherently.
"You're so pretty," I whispered to him, reaching up to poke his pale, glittery cheek. The word sounded funny to my ears. I giggled, "Preeeeeettttyyyyyy."
He rolled his eyes, a smile creeping onto his face, "And you're so stoned."
This seemed hilarious to me, and I burst out laughing as my head lolled back so everything I saw was upside down.
"Woah, what happened?" A voice from in front of us asked. I turned my head to the side to see Jinxx walking the opposite way, concerned eyes trained on me.
Andy came to a stop. I was now facing a skull that sat in a hollow in the wall. I pulled faces at it, laughing to myself. He sighed, "Found Danny and the rest of them getting high just now. They let Mallory try some and now she's completely stoned – as you can see."
"God, again? I thought you told Danny not to bring back any more pot."
"Well, as far as he's concerned, it doesn't count when he gets Kier to do his dirty work for him." I could practically hear Andy rolling his eyes.
Jinxx make a disapproving sound, "Typical. Ah, well," He sighed, "D'you know where CC is? I need to talk to him."
Andy shrugged, the motion of it making me bob up and down, "Still getting high, I'd imagine."
"What? I thought you said you'd sorted it,” there was a slight tinge of accusation in Jinxx's tone. I glanced up now to see him frowning at Andy.
"Hey, I figured it'd be easier to let them do what they want. It's their fault if they feel shitty tomorrow. I've had a really fucking long day, so I really don't need—” Andy's voice started to rise defensively, and Jinxx placed a hand on his shoulder, cutting him off.
"Andy, it's fine," His tone was soothing, "I know it's been a shitty day. I'll go sort them out. Just chill. I'll see you later." Jinxx nodded before heading off down the corridor the way we had come.
Andy sighed as he watched him leave. Then he continued down the corridor, not looking down at me again, his mouth set in a hard line as he stared straight ahead. Even though I was completely out of my brains, and my vision was fuzzy, the stress was still evident on his features.
He said something after a few moments had passed, but I had drifted off into another daydream and didn't hear it properly, "Mmm?"
"I said, what number's yours?" He stood at the top of the corridor that branched out into all the narrow hallways that led to the sleeping chambers. I remember Ashley telling me this place used to be an underground prison, and I guessed that these small rooms used to be cells. Suddenly, I remembered Andy was waiting for an answer. But I couldn't remember. What? What's wrong... with me? I... knew it earlier. Why can't... I remember...?
I frowned to myself, "I don't... I don't know..."
Andy sighed irritably, but said nothing else. Instead, he turned and began striding the way we had just came. What...? Where's... he taking me?
A few more minutes of walking in silence later and we stopped outside the doors of the meeting room. Um... what? I was more confused than ever now. Shifting me so I was supported by only one of his hands, Andy dragged the door open. I was very impressed by this. He was wiry and lean, but was able to both carry me and drag that huge sheet of metal out of his way, and I knew just how heavy it was.
I told him, "You must work oooutt."
"Yup," He replied crisply before entering the room and replacing the door.
There was a silence for a few seconds.
"What a great conversationalist you are," I commented. I laughed, “That’s a weird word, huh? Converrrrsaaationalissst.” He ignored me.
Andy crossed the room and went over to a door in the corner which I hadn't noticed before. It was an actual door, made from dark wood with a black handle and a lock, not one of the makeshift ones that were over the rest of the doorways.
The room on the other side was a little smaller than the meeting room, and rather than a thin mattress on the floor, like the rest of us had, there was an actual bed, made from dark wood similar to the door and also a lot bigger. There was an old chest of drawers with a small stack of books on top, a black mask and a thick notebook. In the other corner was a desk, with a chair.
"This... your room?" I asked.
"No," His voice dripped with sarcasm, "I just thought, hey, why not walk into some random person's bedroom?"
"Shut up,” I tried to say, but it came out 'shurruppp', "It's fancy," I nodded towards the bed, "I guess being the leader of this whole thing comes with benefits."
I wasn't sure, but I thought his cheeks turned a little pink, "It's not that I'm– no, this used to be my parents' room. Made sense for me to move in," He cleared his throat, "Well, seeing as you've somehow managed to forget where your room is, you might as well sleep in here for now. You'll need the rest. You're starting training tomorrow."
"Oh, joy unbounded,” I muttered as he set me down on the mattress.
Despite my drowsy and unfocused state, something occurred to me, "Andy, where are your parents? You said this room used to belong to them. But where are they?"
“Not here.”
“Yeah, but where?”
In a voice a few degrees colder than it was before, "Haven't you heard that it's not polite to ask?"
I ignored this, "Where are they? Actually, where are anybody's parents? The oldest person here can't be much over 30."
"Don't ask questions, Mallory. Please." He added, seemingly as an afterthought.
I sat up and stared him down unrelentingly, "What happened to all the adults, Andy?"
"Just leave it." He clenched his fists, obviously uncomfortable.
"Why won't you tell me? Have you got something to hide?" I carried on pressuring him.
"Because I don't want to!" He glared, "And don't try asking anyone else. They sure as hell won't tell you."
"Why, though?" I couldn't curb my curiosity, "Also, what did Jake mean in the city when he said that yo—”
""Oh my God," He sat down next to me, and crumpled forwards, his head in his hands, "Just shut up, would you? It's none of your business.
“I asked you really nicely to leave it, Mallory," He looked up to glare at me some more, "It's not secret man-code for 'keep asking me until I change my answer'. It means I don't want to talk about it. With you or anybody," He sighed, then after a few moments his expression softened a little. The shouting was making my already fuzzy head hurt even more, and my fingertips were pressed to my temples, "It's not personal. I just really don't want to discuss it."
I wanted to ask why, but didn't want to piss him off any further. Shouting was making me even more tired. My head throbbed painfully, and I winced.
"Hey," Andy's voice was very soft now. His hands reached up to pull my hands away from my head, mistaking my headache for being upset, "I'm not mad. Just tired. And so are you. Get some rest." He held my gaze then, long enough for my heart to stutter as he stared with his luminous eyes. He looked as though he was searching my eyes for something; the kindness was replaced with some sort of calculating expression.
Seemingly giving up, he stood and after a hesitation, turned and left the room, the door closing softly behind him.
I sighed to myself then, and flopped back onto the soft mattress that my body immediately sank into. I understood why Andy might feel embarrassed about having a much better room than everyone else now, but guessed that he probably secretly enjoyed it.
The mystery that had occurred to me was playing through my mind. Why were there no adults? Why was Andy so unwilling to talk about it? And why had his face turned pink when I started to ask him about what Jake had said to him? You don't know what it's like, you’ve never had anything as real in your life!
Whatever. I'd figure it out tomorrow. Right now, sleep was beckoning me. I kicked my boots off and slid under the covers that smelled like Andy. I yawned blissfully. Just as I was about to drift off, my eyes focused on something on the wall I was facing. A sheet of paper there, or several. Numbers were crossed off. It was a calendar.
I realized, with shock, that it was New Year's Eve tomorrow.