A.N.- I'm sorry if this comes out formatted strange! My laptop has been broken all summer and I'm getting a little desperate, so I'm doing this on mobile. My laptop beig broken is also why I haven't updated in so long, sorry guys!
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***Alexis's POV***
I cracked my eyes open, a little disoriented. Jonas was lying next to me, scrolling through his phone.
I rolled onto my back and rubbed my eyes. I turned my head, seeing Micah sleeping on Jonas's bed. He was cuddling one of my shirts to his chest.
"Sorry," I mumbled, voice thick with sleep. "I didn't mean to sleep here."
"It's fine. It wasn't safe to let you drive," Jonas said, looking away from his phone to me.
I closed my eyes, testing if I would be able to fall back to sleep. But no, my body refused to cooperate despite how tired I still felt. I was used to running on little sleep.
Opening my eyes, I glanced back over at Jonas. The last time I had woken up next to a man like this, we'd both smelled of cheap alcohol.
"I think you need to take a break from work. You look exhausted. You're going to get sick," Jonas said.
"I have to work," I said. "We have a lot of expenses to cover."
"There are five working adults in that house," Jonas said. "You can't afford one day off?"
I slung an arm over my eyes, patient but exhausted. "Bills are expensive. Ace's paycheck usually relies on how much he gets tipped. Christian makes the most, but he can't work right now. I make the least amount, and I have to care for Micah. Ike and Jer barely make more money than me. We have to afford insurance, food, clothing, bills, gas, and little expenses that start to add up. Six people living in a house go through a surprising amount of toilet paper."
Jonas laughed a little, and blushed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh."
I couldn't help the small smile that came to my face. "It's okay. Look, I know it seems like us combining our paychecks should be enough to live comfortably, but you'd be surprised. All of us need to put money away in the bank for desperate times, as well as afford expenses. It's a lot to take on."
"I wish I could help," he said.
I let my arm fall away from my eyes. "You are helping. Do you know how much it helps that you've been watching Micah?"
"I can't believe your friends won't help with him," Jonas said, a surprising amount of anger in his voice.
"It's not their responsibility. He's mine," I said. "They warned me when he first started living with us that I'd be responsible for him. They help out, though."
"I wouldn't trust Jer with him," he said.
"I don't," I said, earning another laugh from him. "Ace helps out a lot. And Ike helps out sometimes, too."
Jonas turned a little to face me. "How did you meet those guys, anyways?"
"The same way you did," I said. "Ike stole my money."
"Oh, of course, how silly of me. That's how all good friends meet," he said.
"He gave it back. We were teenagers. He was just trying to keep himself and his brother fed," I said. "He stole my wallet, got confused when I didn't try to take it back, and we started talking."
Well, that was a very simplified version of what had actually happened. But that was the basics of it all.
I looked up at the ceiling, remembering back then. We'd been young teenagers, just a bunch of stupid kids. Not even old enough to purchase cigarettes, but already stealing just to keep ourselves fed.
"Then we met Ace," I continued. "He had run away from home and was running low on cash. Ike and I found him when we were walking together one day. I gave him my food, and we just sort of became friends." Also a very simplified version of what had happened. Ace might seem playful, but he could be the nastiest person. He had been especially mean back then.
"What about Christian and Jer?" he asked.
"Jer was working at a gas station we hung out at a lot," I said. "He didn't like going home, so he started sitting with us when he got off his shift." Simplified. "Ike and Jer knew Christian from their high school. We saw him at the graveyard one day while we were waiting out rain there, and asked him to hang out with us." Simple, simple, simple.
"And you all just decided to live together?" Jonas asked.
I nodded. "When we were all about 18, we moved out of our houses and into the house we live in now."
"But you didn't live at home," he said.
I glanced at him in surprise. How had he known that?
He blushed lightly. "Sorry. Micah asked me to get him markers from your drawer one day and-"
"And the pictures from Mariam and Robert fell out," I finished for him. "Yea, that always happens when you open that drawer too fast. I started renting a room from them when I was 16, and lived there until I moved in with my friends."
Jonas's eyes were screaming questions at me, but he just looked at Micah. "You guys can eat breakfast here," he said at last.
"Thank you," I said.
I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. Looking at the time, I relaxed a little. Micah would be awake soon. I checked my messages, mentally sighing.
From: Ike
You dead?
From: Ace
If you're dead I claim your room
From: Jer
You have a phone for a reason. Unless you're dead, use it.
I texted all of them back. It wasn't unusual for Ace and Ike to disappear at night without a word, but Jer, Christian, and I would always say something if we wouldn't be back.
"Everything okay?" Jonas asked.
"Yea. My friends just think I'm dead," I said.
"Oh, well as long as it's nothing serious," he said.
"You're incredibly sarcastic this morning," I said.
"Sorry, sorry." He rubbed at his eyes. "I know I should start breakfast, but I have no energy to get out of bed. So I'll just wait until Micah wakes up. Are you working tonight?"
"I'm not sure. I wasn't scheduled to work today, but I told Matt to text me if I could come in anyways," I said, hoping he would text me. As exhausted as I was, I needed the money.
"You really should sleep," Jonas said, looking at me with the kind of naked concern I hadn't seen in years. Of course the guys I lived with got concerned about me and each other, but we all showed it in different ways. Never this open.
"I did sleep." Barely, of course, but I had run on no sleep before. A few hours was a luxury to me at this point.
"You're so stubborn I want to smack you," Jonas said with a sigh.
"Well, nothing is stopping you," I said with a shrug.
"Common courtesy is," he said.
I felt a small smile coming to my face, and didn't bother trying to hide it. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was the uncertainty of talking to someone as open about his emotions as Jonas was.
I turned and looked around Jonas's room. There were video games stacked in one corner, and a heavily stocked bookshelf next to them. There were pictures of him with his friends and family, posters of bands and movies he liked, a TV with a collection of DVDs next to it, magazines lazily tossed next to his desk, clothes tossed onto a chair, and a set of speakers with CDs spread out around them. His room was one that unintentionally showed how much money and time Jonas had to spare.
I jumped a little as something touched my feet and looked up. A cat was climbing over our legs, weaving his way towards Jonas.
"Oh, sorry. That's Hanley," Jonas said, pulling the cat onto his chest and petting behind its ears. "Micah seemed to like him a lot."
"Micah loves animals," I said. I always wished I could get him a pet, but we just couldn't afford it. I had considered getting him a fish, but I was worried it would die and break Micah's heart.
Jonas smiled over at Micah's sleeping form. "He's a good kid."
"He is," I said, my eyes softening as I also looked at Micah. "I never met his mom, but I think he's like her. He tells me about her a lot, and it sounds like he takes after her."
"It's so sad," Jonas said.
"It is," I agreed. I thought about my friends. I thought about the bitter combination of kindness and terror that Ike's little brother had been when I met him. I thought about Ace, dirty and exhausted, tensed for a fight, alone on the streets at just 16. I thought about the way Jer had desperately avoided his house and talk of his parents, and the naked relief on his face when we decided to get a house together. I thought about Christian's visits to the graveyard, visits he always made time for no matter how busy he was with work. I thought of Micah, filthy and silently sobbing, hidden away on the cruel streets he'd been abandoned to, flinching whenever anyone got too close to him. And I thought of myself, desperately fighting to stay warm as it got colder, reduced to hiding in unlocked sheds and wondering how long I could survive like that for.
It was life. It was sad.
I looked down as I felt a hand on my arm. Jonas was frowning at me, that genuine concern tearing at my defenses.
"I'm sorry," he said, and meant it.
"I don't need your fucking pity!" Ace snapped, pushing me against the side of the building with arms trembling from exhaustion and starvation. "I can help myself!"
I remembered meeting him, thinking that I never wanted to let myself get to that point of anger. To hold my pride so high for so long that I forgot how to let my arms down and accept help when I needed it.
But was closing myself off much better? Was kindness really pity?
"Thank you," I said, thrusting all of the sincerity I had into it.
Jonas was so close to me that I could feel the warmth coming off of his body. His eyes met mine, no pity, just that concern he always seemed to have for me. His hand was still on my arm, light but present.
Maybe I could blame it on exhaustion, or on this new open sensation, but maybe there was nothing to blame but feelings and desire. Whatever it was, I found myself closing the small distance between us.
My lips slowly adjusted to his, and I thought of all the other times I had kissed people, and how I had always felt dirty for it. A boy kissing boys, a mistake damning himself further.
But this didn't feel like this. This felt comfortable as our lips worked together. Jonas leaned into the kiss, his hand sliding from my arm, across my chest, resting on my shoulder, pulling me closer.
I dropped my defenses enough to let my arm reached out and slide around to his back, feeling the cool skin there as his shirt tugged up a little. My fingertips brushed the soft skin of his back, feeling the light shiver he gave at the contact.
My eyes closed, my mind focused on this moment, this kiss as unexpected as Jonas himself, I could forget about the past six years, about the constant stress and struggle to keep my head above water, to stay alive and fed.
We slowly pulled away from each other, and neither of us apologized. There was nothing to apologize for.
We laid there in comfortable silence. I closed my eyes, my fingers still carefully pressed to his back, his hand curved against my shoulder.
After a little while, I heard the soft noises of Micah waking up. Jonas and I slowly pulled away from each other, and I rolled over to make sure Micah saw me. I didn't want him to be disoriented and scared. It had been a while since he'd woken up in a room that wasn't mine.
He rubbed at his eyes and noticed me. "Lex?"
"Morning," I said with a smile.
He climbed out of Jonas's bed and pulled himself up with me, curling against my chest sleepily. "Don't leave for so long." He let me hug him.
"I'm sorry. I had to work," I said, placing my hand on his head comfortingly.
"Well, now that Micah is up, I'll go make us breakfast. What do you want to eat, Micah?" Jonas asked. "Do you like pancakes?"
Micah brightened a little. "Mhm!"
"I'll go make them," Jonas said, getting up. He smiled at us, no sign of regret of awkwardness. He left the room.
"Did you have fun last night?" I asked.
Micah nodded. "I like Jonas."
"Me too." I brushed my fingers through Micah's hair.
After a few minutes, Jonas called us out. I fixed my hair quick, since it was a mess from the way I slept, and carried Micah out.
A man who was clearly Jonas's father was sitting at the counter, sipping coffee as he filled out some paperwork. He looked up curiously as I came in with Micah.
"Dad, this is Alexis," Jonas said. "Alexis, this is my dad. Oh, dad, Alexis lives with Christian."
"Nice to meet you, Alexis," Jonas's dad said with a smile. "How is Christian?"
"He's good," I said. "His grandfather is still sick, but I think he's doing a little better."
"That's good to hear," he said.
I glanced at the paper he was filling out and paled a little at the company name written across the top. I tore my eyes from the page, and instead watched Jonas. He was flipping the last of the pancakes onto a plate.
"So, Alexis, what's your last name?" Mr. Holden asked.
Oh no. "Beirne," I said.
"Beirne," he mumbled. "That name sounds so familiar. I think I knew a Beirne at our company."
"Derek Beirne," I said, the words unfamiliar on my lips.
"Derek!" Mr. Holden said, snapping. "That's his name! He works with our partner company. He's always at our meetings and giving presentations. You're related, I take it?"
"He's my father," I said. Or, he had been my father.
Micah tightened his arms around my neck a little, nuzzling his head against my shoulder. My voice was back to the polite tone I took on when my emotions started creeping up on me.
"Really?" Mr. Holden laughed. "I should've put that together from the hair. Although his hair is a lot more faded than yours. Poor man looks older than he is."
"Here," Jonas said, setting down plates with pancakes on them. "Let's eat!"
I sat down, Micah fixed stubbornly in my lap. He was gripping my shirt, nervously eyeing Mr. Holden.
I placed a hand on his head, and he relaxed, picking up a fork and biting into the pancakes. "Thank you Jonas," he said shyly.
"Yea, thank you," I said.
"No problem!" Jonas said.
"I'm going to head out to work, Jonas. Bye Alexis, bye Micah, it was nice to meet you two," Mr. Holden said, getting up and waving before leaving the room.
"So does Christian work with your dad, too?" Jonas asked curiously.
Surely Christian had at least run into my dad at work. But he had never mentioned anything about it to me, and I was glad for that.
"I don't know," I said honestly.
"Lex?" Micah tugged on my shirt and I looked down at him. He hugged me.
I put an arm around him, furiously reminding myself that I didn't need my parents. I was 21 years old, and I didn't need my mom and dad anymore.
"Calla, why does dad have all those gray hairs?" I asked my sister. My father's hair used to be a bright shade of red like mine, but gray hairs had been dulling the bright color of it.
"Because he's stressed," Calla said, tugging on a lock of my hair and ignoring my protesting whine. "Your hair will look like that someday too! When your dad's age."
"I like my hair!" I said, pushing her hand away.
"Well you're only 8, idiot. It's not going to turn gray yet," she said, laughing.
How gray had my father's hair gotten after he kicked out his son? Did he miss playing catch with me out in the street? Did he miss wrestling with me while mom yelled that one of us was going to get hurt? Did he miss watching movies with me? Did he miss our conspiratorial moments where I'd taste test his latest alcoholic drink mixture? Did he miss spending time with me?
Did I miss it?
"Are you done, Alexis?" Jonas asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I nodded and stood up with Micah. I helped Jonas clean up the kitchen a little before gathering my stuff. He led us out to his car.
"Thanks for driving us home," I said. I had realized that Jer had come to pick up the car this morning so he could get to work.
"No problem," Jonas said.
He pulled into the driveway a few minutes later. I glanced back at Micah and offered him a smile.
"Hey, go inside. I'll be right in," I said.
"Okay. Thank you Jonas!" Micah said before getting out of the car.
"What are you?" Jonas asked, watching Micah let himself into the house.
"Something," I said. "I live a tough life. I don't have a lot of time."
"I get that. I'm willing to give things a shot, if you are," he said.
"Let me get through this spot. Once Christian is back to work, things should get easier," I said. "Not easy. But easier."
"Take your time," he said, a small smile coming to his face.
I hesitated before leaning over and kissing him again, letting my lips convey how sorry I was that things couldn't be simpler for us. Jonas kissed me back, letting me know it was alright.
I wasn't sure when our relationship had become this. I wasn't sure when feelings for him had snuck up on me. But here they were, and they were out. I was okay with it.
"Text me if you need me to watch Micah. Or if you need help with anything. If you work too hard, you'll get sick. You need to take care of yourself," he said once we had pulled away from each other.
"I'll text you," I said, getting out of the car. I watched as he back out, giving me a wave before he disappeared down the street.
I walked up the steps to the porch, still tasting Jonas on my lips. Maybe I had a shot at being happy.
"A little lip action, eh?"
I jumped and turned to face Ace. He was leaning against the side of the house, hidden behind one of the poles. He was watching me, a grin on his face. But it was the kind of grin that was so sharp, it could slice you to pieces.
"That's none of your business," I said.
"What about the kid? You barely have time for him as it is," Ace said. He let out a sigh. "Imagine that poor kid thinking you've found someone you love more than him. Remember how he used to try to run away when he first got here? He thought you didn't want him anymore when you came home late."
I didn't say a word, just went into the house, ignoring the smug laughter that followed me. None of us would ever dare say it out loud for fear of his temper, but Ace was more like his father than he'd ever be willing to acknowledge. Emotionally manipulative games were his specialty. Ace was danger shrouded in a playful personality.
"Christian has to go back to work for a little tomorrow," Ike said as I passed him in the living room. "But only for a little, then he's back to his grandfather's house. He said he should be back to work by the end of the week."
"That's good," I said, holding my hand out to Micah. He bounded over and took my hand, letting me lead him out of the room.
I brought Micah upstairs and pulled out some paper, scribbling down easy math problems on them. If I had some time off today, might as well use it to Micah's advantage.
He sat next to me, eager to learn. As I went over the problems with him, I tried to push thoughts of Ace out of my mind. I wouldn't let him ruin this new possibility for me.