I'd been correct, Conn hadn't wanted to talk. Pushing him would've done more damage than good and so, for a while, we'd just sat together under the ash, not quite touching, not speaking, and both painfully aware that sooner or later we'd have to part company. When he finally decided it was time for me to 'return to my wolf', my aching heart gave another lurch, but there was nothing I could do to ease it. I knew that no matter what happened, I was going to hurt. That was the curse of loving both Leof and Abroðen.
Before we left, Conn placed his hand on the trunk of the ash, letting his magic flow into it, manipulating its cells to carve a promise into its bark.
Even when we cannot help, we see. We care.
I touched the tree too, adding another line to the etched promise, which I hoped would help us gain some of what Tiw was claiming with his cult; belief. Power.
Woden, Rightful King of Ésageard, and Fríge.
We said very little as we made our way back to our bikes, except when I demanded that he text to let me know he'd reached Milbank in one piece. He'd laughed but conceded that he'd do so, as long as I let him know I'd reached the camp safely. I agreed to that.
My mind whirred as I rode north, repeating everything Conn had said over and over like a broken record, while my heart continued to wage war over which man I wanted to devote myself to. Should I fight for Conn but lose Fenn? Should I allow what was growing between Fenn and me to go as far as it could, and concede to Conn's insistence that we were over? I would love and be loved either way, it would hurt either way. But what was I supposed to do?
I was no further forward with that conundrum as I parked my ride and text Conn with a simple 'home safe'. He'd already messaged confirming he was at Milbank and suffering Gunner's wrath. Personally, I'd rather be facing a berating off our Second and Head of Security than returning to Fenn, at least while feeling as conflicted as I did. Avoiding him was out of the question, though. Especially as I could feel his anxiety and an irritating resignation that revealed that he still believed the decision I'd make to be a foregone conclusion.
Making my way back to the bonfire, I was surprised by just how many wolves were still up. It had gotten late in the time I'd been with Conn. Many would normally be asleep. However, concern for their chief had kept them from leaving him to fret. Fenn's pack loved him, far more than they necessarily had months previously. He'd earned their trust by caring for them deeply and I admired both his people and him for the relationship they'd developed since he'd taken over, just as I'd often admired how deeply Conn cared for his cohort, and they for him.
Hesitating just outside the circle of light cast by the fire, I lingered in the shadows, out of sight of the wolves. They talked quietly, whispering to each other and casting furtive glances at their Chief as he gently strummed his guitar, a deep frown pulling his dark brows down as he stared into the fire. Aetherwig leaned towards him, whispering something I couldn't make out. He shrugged and shook his head, replying with something that looked like 'I don't know'.
He was as stunning as ever, even though his expression was pensive, with dark waves of unkempt hair framing his face and green eyes reflecting the orange of the fire. His stubble covered jaw was strong, his straight nose proud, his size and stature giving him the appearance of a mythological hero, even though Fenrir would never be recognised as such. Everything about him attracted me. It always had. But what I loved was his heart. He'd sacrificed any dreams he'd ever had to protect his pack. He'd become something he hadn't wanted to be to try and ensure his people's safety. Despite having been beaten and berated, he cared deeply, offered love without expectation. I adored him. The idea of him not being in my life was enough to cause my throat to constrict and bands of pain to tighten around my chest.
But didn't Conn make me feel the same?
What was I supposed to do?
When Fenn's eyes flicked towards me, some sixth sense telling him I was lurking, I gave up on hiding from him. Stepping into the pool of firelight, I forced a smile, though even trying to act nonchalant caused tears to well up, burning my eyes. His frown deepened further as he passed his guitar to Aetherlwig and stood, making his way through his people to join me.
I ignored the way the others watched us with curiosity and suspicion, focused only on my Abroðen. It was automatic to lean up, to kiss him as he stopped in front of me. I needed to taste him, to inhale his familiar forest scent. As tears tracked over my cheeks, dripping off my chin, I threaded my fingers through the shaggy locks of his hair and pressed my body against his. The pain in my chest was intense enough to pull a sob from me, even before Fenn eased back.
His hands remained on my waist but he broke the kiss. "Are the tears because he said something he shouldn't have again? Or are they because you're here to say goodbye?"
"I'm not here to say goodbye," I denied forcefully. "He won't have me anyway."
I winced at how that declaration sounded, like I'd only come back because Conn had refused me.
"I hate this," I murmured, pulling away from Fenn entirely and beginning to pace. "Love isn't something I lie about. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I do love you. I also love him. It's enough to drive a person mad because I can't stop loving him, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you. One of the Wyrdæ... the Wyrdæ for goodness sake...! Said that I don't break the bonds I forge. This is me now, forever."
Wolves began to slip away, trying to give us some privacy, not that I paid them much heed as I continued my outburst. "And I don't know what to do. He said so much tonight. Things he should've said when I first pulled him back. Or if not then, at least sooner than this. But he didn't because he doesn't think he's worthy and he wanted to push me into someone else's arms. Now he has, and the idea of going a day without you is incomprehensible. I despise that wanting him makes me feel I'm betraying you. I loathe that wanting you means giving up on what I've clung to for a millennium. I detest that I feel this conflicted because I love both of you."
Fenn grabbed my wrist, pulling me to a standstill. "That's a lot of hate for a woman in love, Wiðercorra."
Pushing my hair back behind my ear, he lowered his mouth cautiously to mine. "I don't feel betrayed, love. I knew who you were and where your heart was when we started this. I caused this, and I'm sorry."
"That's another thing I abhor," I muttered, still frustrated. "You blame yourself. Conn blames himself. But it's all Tiw, every scrap of it. He caused all of this."
I dropped my forehead to the solid planes of Fenn's chest. My hands knotting in his t-shirt. "I don't know what to do. Losing him still hurts so much, but losing you will hurt too. He won't have me, and you doubt me so much that I'm terrified you're going to decide I'm too much of a risk. I feel like I'm on a train, heading for a crash, and nothing I do will prevent the impact."
"I'm not going to decide anything of the sort, love. I won't push you away." Gripping my chin, he tipped my head up, "I'm yours for as long as you want me to be."
Always there was that belief that I'd turn away. It was always 'for as long as I wanted him to be', as if I'd ever stop wanting him to be.
Sighing, I turned away from him, walking towards the dying embers of the fire. "You're always waiting for the end. For the moment you lose." Pausing by what remained of the bonfire, I put my hands out, feeling the rising warmth. I tried to take comfort in it as my body began to grow cold. The combination of sorrow and hunger causing a chill to creep through me. "You're always waiting to be hurt."
For a time Fenn was silent, remaining where I'd left him. When he did finally approach, his footsteps were slow, cautious. I could feel his nervousness even as he slid his arms around me. His body was still warm, as it engulfed my slighter frame he did more for my temperature than the fire, and I leaned back against him despite his anxiety.
"When I was five, the man I believed to be my father beat me unconscious for asking him why I didn't have a mother like others did. When I woke up, I was locked in a cupboard in the farmhouse. He left me there for days. I thought I'd die of starvation. My arm and leg were broken and I was in so much pain. I wanted to die. At five years old, I wanted to die."
My heart gave a painful squeeze. How could anyone do that a child?
"Eventually Aethelwig's father let me out," Fenn continued as his fingers twined with mine over of my stomach. "He was very nearly executed for treason. If he hadn't been my mother's brother, he would've been. After that, whenever my 'father' took out his anger on me, the pack looked away. They looked away because they had their own families to protect and the chief would've executed any of them for getting between his fists and me. Every day, from that first time until the day I realised I could hit back, I worried that he'd kill me.
"Then at eighteen, Loki came into my life. My real father, who cared for me as much as the chief had. I was nothing to him either, just a pet he'd provided for Tiw. Loki wanted to cause chaos, and Tiw promised him that I'd cause that when I fulfilled the destiny you'd prophesised. Loki used magic on me, against my will, to strengthen the tie to Tiw. He reinforced the bonds which I'd been unaware of my whole life. He ensured my 'master' could get to me, and my life of fear started all over again. Yes, I became strong enough to retaliate against my 'father', but I was incapable of fighting Tiw, so I spent another twelve years waiting for Tiw to grow inpatient and kill me, or waiting for Woden to kill me. In the end, I thought you'd kill me.
"My life has been lived in fear of losing everything I care about. My pack, my life. I lost my mother without ever knowing her. I wasn't allowed to make friends growing up because the chief wanted me to feel as lonely as he felt without the wife who'd died to give me life. I don't believe there'll be a happy ending for me, Wiðercorra, because until you admitted that you wanted me, I've never been happy. What I can remember is being hurt; by family, by gods, and because I've rarely been allowed to keep anything for long."
I wouldn't have thought it possible to hate Tiw more than I already did, but as I listened to Fenn, I realised I could. Every time he hurt someone I cared about, my fury and my loathing would grow. That would be true whether he attacked me, or Conn, or Fenn, or if the hurt was indirect, as it was with Will who suffered only because Tiw had placed me in Osgar's path.
"I'm so sorry," I murmured. "I'm sorry for my part in that. For making the prediction which inspired Tiw to use you as he did."
Fenn sighed softly, his warm breath hitting my neck before he turned me to face him. "Don't be. You inspired him to create me and I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't give up my chance to meet you." His green eyes shone brightly in the moonlight, brimming with love and a request he had yet to voice.
"What, Abroðen?"
His hands slid onto my hips, pulling me against his front. "If you don't know what to do and he isn't ready to accept all of his mistakes, will you stay with me until that changes? Be mine tonight?"
Well, I wasn't Conn's, so who else's would I be? I loved Fenn, even if that wasn't as simple as I had wanted it to be. It didn't occur to me to say no, not then, at least.
"I am yours," I breathed as I leant up, pressing a sure kiss to his firm lips.
He reacted instantly, kissing me back with love and lust in every nip and lick. My body responded to his attention as it always did, with a rush of desire, even while part of my heart and mind continued to whisper 'but what about Conn?' There had always been a spark between Fenn and me, and that hadn't changed. I suspected it never would.
When he lifted me and carried me towards his tipi, I didn't fight. By the time he lowered me onto the bed, pressing me into the soft furs which covered it, my fangs had descended and I had no doubt my eyes were coloured with glittering fire opal shards. I wanted him. But who, in their right minds, wouldn't want Fenn?
My Abroðen knew exactly what he was doing as he slowly slid down the zip of my leather jacket. As he pushed it open, his fingers brushed my stomach and down my sides, searing my body even though there was still a thin layer of fabric between us. He pulled me upright, just enough to push the leather from my shoulders. As he did, my breath caught in anticipation.
Even allowing that, allowing him to place one hand on the back of my neck as the other eased my jacket from me, felt deliciously intimate. My body began to react, long before he slid his knee between my thighs and he lowered his lips to mine again. His tongue traced the lower edge of my lip, which he then sucked, nipping lightly at my soft, pink skin as his fingers slid down my sides to tug at the hem of my t-shirt.
To peel the black cotton off me, he had to lean back, but even that was enchanting. His eyes burst from green to yellow, swirls of pale gold beginning to erupt to as he drunk in the sight of me on his bed. I was still wearing the leather trousers I'd put on to go out on the bike, but my upper body was bare except for the black satin bra which did nothing to hide how my nipples had hardened and peaked already.
A low growl of desire escaped my wolf as his eyes raked over me, paying as much heed to the scars on my right side as Conn had done. He didn't see what Viola had done to me. He simply saw me, and he was captivated. The yearning in his expression was enough to cause my blood to heat and for the first skittering sparks of electricity to burn my skin. To be looked at with such intense need was powerful, it caused heat to pool in my abdomen and I moved without thought, grinding my suddenly aching centre against the knee which Fenn still had pressed against the apex of my thighs.
His lips parted, his breath becoming more ragged as he growled throatily, "Like this, you're Freyja, and I understand exactly why giants were rumoured to try and steal you away. Your scent, your arousal, it taunts me. The sound of each unsteady exhale." He moaned, seemingly without realising he was doing so as he leaned forward, urging me to lie down again. Muscular arms caged me in as he leaned over me, his lips brushing the outer curve of my ear as he whispered. "I crave you. I love you. I'm going to claim you, Freyja. I'm going to do what no other of Eoten heritage managed, and you're going to burn for every thrust as I take you."
"Is that a promise, Abroðen? Make it a promise, and I'll show you just what a genuine sex goddess is capable of." My hand went to his straining crotch, stroking him through denim.
"It's a promise," he hissed in a ragged exhale.
My skin was already on fire, each touch a scorching brand as Fenn peeled my leather trousers down my legs. His lips followed, and I moaned as he kissed and licked his way down my inner thigh. Reaching the place over my femoral artery, he bit. Not hard enough to draw blood, but enough to cause a sting that sent my vampire senses in to overdrive, my hips lifting in need and my core burning with insatiable desire.
"Fenn," I gasped, my hands knotting in his hair. I felt him smile against my thigh, and when he looked up, over my body, his eyes meeting mine, the confidence in his expression was among the most seductive things I'd ever seen. He'd play my body with skill. We both knew that, and my skin flushed at the thought.
Even once he stripped me, using his teeth to tug lace knickers down my legs and free of my ankles, he remained clothed. When I pouted and tugged at his t-shirt, he pushed away my hands, shaking his head. I frowned. He grinned and winked.
"Later. Patience, Wiðercorra. I want to worship you a little first."
If by 'worship' he meant 'make you scream my name like a there was no pack to hear', then he did more than 'a little'. Each caress caused the ache in my core to become more intense. By the time his tongue found my centre, flicking over my sex and then plunging into me in an imitation of what was to come, I was already a bow string. Taut, ready to release. If I'd had any shame at being so exposed while he was still clothed, it evaporated as he splayed his hands over my inner thighs to push my legs wider. The flat of his tongue stroked over my sensitive flesh, causing my body to arch and my fingers to knot in the furs.
Fenn's pleasure meshed with mine, his enthusiasm and enjoyment of my bliss heightening it exponentially. He loved me. He loved seeing me free of worries and concerns, even if it was only a temporary escape. Taking me away from everything that was wrong with my world seemed to be his main goal as one hand slid over my thigh to my abdomen, and his thumb circled the aching nub at my apex as his tongue plunged into me again. I loved him all the more for that.
My head fell back, my eyes squeezing closed as every touch drove me closer to the explosion which was building inside me. He paused, just long enough to demand I watch him. His command sent another delicious thrill through me, and when I did as asked, the combination of the sight and feel of him caused my body to arch again, muscles clenching and a sharp cry escaping my lips. There was something undeniably erotic about the sight of my now-golden-eyed Abroðen, his mouth working relentlessly on my vulnerable flesh. Dark curls of his hair brushed my thighs, the feather-like touch electrifying me further as his expression became more determined and his thumb pressed more firmly against me. The look he gave me was a command, a command I understood even though he didn't voice it.
Come for me.
My hips jerk up of their own accord. My hands fisted, hard enough for my nails to dig into my palms and draw blood. The were no words among the shouts and yells that he drew from me as my body bucked at writhed, wave after wave of fire rushing out through my limbs and causing my insides to clench and pulse around the finger which Fenn slid into me as my mind blanked entirely and I was swept away by a tide of sensation. Not until the delicious pleasure became too much for me and I yelled one clear word.
"Stop!"
He took it as a cue to continue, and even when he moved, covering my naked body with his clothed one so that he could kiss me deeply, his fingers continued to work tirelessly, taunting my over-sensitised body to arch again and again, until I thought I had nothing left to give. That was when he finally stripped.
As I lay, my breath still rasping and aftershocks of pleasure still rippling through my core, he peeled his t-shirt over his head and shirked off his jeans. He was exquisite; toned, golden, hard, and despite how I'd thought I was spent, I couldn't argue as urged me to roll over and gripped my hips, tugging me up so I was on my hands and knees before him. Much to my disbelief, fire sparked in my belly again as he positioned his tip against my entrance and a moan for more left me as he slid into me. He hadn't exaggerated when he promised I would burn for every thrust. That meant I had to give him something unforgettable. Something only a goddess could give him.
When he reached around, his hand sliding up my inner thigh to my apex while he pounded into me from behind, I twined my fingers with his. Reaching for the spark that lay in my heart, I let magic flow outwards, pouring into him like an electric current. A gasp escaped him, as his stride faltered then sped up. Enchantment leapt from cell to cell, winding through him and electrifying every inch of his body, ensuring that every touch would burn, from the sliding of his thighs against the back of mine to the caress of the breeze which was coming in from under the not-quite-closed tipi door.
Fenn groaned, the sound both guttural and urgent and his fingers dug into my hip, pulling me ever more forcefully against him as my magic continued to heighten each sensation. I could feel the tension increasing in his body. The corded tendons of the arm I was holding became taught and I could feel his pleasure increasing as he took me with unbridled passion.
I couldn't see him, knelt as I was, but I knew how he'd look, with his head tipped back and his eyes closed in ecstasy. His lips would be parted. His body would be glossy with sweat. Each ragged pant he gave was as meaningful as a cry to the heavens and when his pace did finally falter, his accompanying cry was enough to tip me over the edge again.
"Freyja!"
"Fenn!" My answering shout was as enraptured as his, and when we finally collapsed onto his bed, our limbs tangled, I couldn't help the dopey grin that plastered my face.
He laughed at my expression then gave me an achingly tender kiss, his lips gently brushing mine. "I love you, Wiðercorra."
"I love you too, Abroðen," I murmured back earnestly. I meant it, every syllable.
Which was no doubt why, as my breathing calmed, and my heart rate slowed, and Conn's emotions re-emerged from the mire of desire I'd felt from Fenn, his pain was intense enough to bring tears to my eyes. As my mood dropped and a sob escaped me, unbidden, Fenn sighed. He rested his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as if he could hide his own anguish.
"Do you think the connection will ever fade? Even if he remains stubborn... Even if you could offer me the eternity you're trying to... do you think you'll ever stop doing this to each other?"
I didn't know. When Conn first turned me, I'd hated him, yet even then his emotions had come through stronger than anyone else's. Could time change what had come so instinctively? If it didn't, what was I going to do?
"I hope so," I admitted. "Before this drives one or both of us to insanity."
Kissing Fenn again, I tried to tell myself that if Conn truly wanted distance, then one day he'd get over me. One day he'd stop hurting and I'd be allowed some degree of peace, but the truth was, I didn't think Conn truly wanted to give up on us. He felt he had to, against his own desires. That conflict led me to where I was; a conflict of my own which I doubted I'd ever know how to resolve.
Pulling Fenn's arms around me, I snuggled against his chest, breathing in his soothing, forest scent. "Just... pretend I'm not hurting for a while. Pretend we're normal and that the world is simple."
Fenn didn't question me as he held me more securely. He lay with me as if we were two normal lovers who had no reason to question our relationship. In reality, it was a long time before Fenn's anxiety seeped away as his breathing became even, deep, as he drifted off to sleep. It was longer still before Conn managed to rein in his grief and jealousy, and I wondered what distraction technique he'd used. Unfortunately, even after they'd calmed, I couldn't control my own fretting.
I wanted Fenn. I longed for Conn. Worry for Will tormented me too and as exhausted as I was, I could barely process my warring emotions. Yet, no matter how much I needed to sleep, I was too afraid to close my eyes. Osgar waited in my nightmares and I couldn't bear to face that too. It was all too much for me, and it dawned on me that even though Conn was alive, I could still fall apart. It would still be easy for our enemies to cause my sanity to fracture.
That became ever more obvious when Conn's anger rose up again, preceding the sound of my phone making its familiar and ominous buzz. Fenn was still asleep and, although he murmured something unintelligible as I untangled my limbs from his, he didn't wake as I went to retrieve my discarded device and open Gunner's email. My Second had forwarded me another video link, alongside a request from Conn that I didn't watch it. Leof's desire to protect me was clearly at war with Gunner's duty to keep me informed, but as I didn't know how to feel about that, I clicked the link.
Fenn woke when Will's screams filled his tipi. Coming to my side, he slid to the floor beside me as I watched Osgar taunt me with further cruelty. Not that his goading was solely aimed at me. He targeted Conn as well, carving the same words into Will's chest as Ragnar had done to Leof. He made them permanent with garlic oil too, carrying out his earlier threats. The words were mocking, stating that we were 'weak' and 'unworthy'. They were statements which neither man deserved to be branded with.
I wasn't surprised that Osgar had been told of Ragnar's predilection for scarring, or what his maker had carved into Conn. It was probably the reason he'd honed his own 'skills' with a knife. I couldn't deny that Osgar had a talent for intricate designs. One far above anything Ragnar had ever achieved, as horrific as that was.
When he started on Will's back, replicating the wings which had 'decorated' my last body, I dry heaved. My stomach was fortunately vacant, not that it offered any comfort. How could it when I felt Will's pain as he screamed? Will's ability blocked empathic skill but that wasn't how I felt every cut along with him, anyway. My memory was all I needed for that. I could remember each agonising slice and the scorch of garlic on the open wounds. I remembered being utterly helpless as my body was mutilated for Osgar's amusement and I knew exactly what Will was suffering.
When Fenn rested his forehead on my back, kissing over my spine, I guessed he'd remembered that Will's torture was more than a random act of brutality. It was targeted. It was a gory documentary on my past as well as a grim promise for my future.
"I won't let him lay a finger on you. Never again," Fenn promised.
I hoped that was true, but if I was honest, I suspected that I'd have to face Osgar sooner or later. Who knew what would happen then? I wasn't even sure I'd be up to a fight, not as the sleeplessness and nightmares took their toll on my body and my mind.
It had been different the first time I'd seem Osgar. I hadn't remembered what he'd done to me. When I'd defeated Ragnar, I'd been too high and too desperate to care. What was coming would be different. What was coming would mean facing a millennium of fear and pain, and overcoming that as well as the monster who'd caused it.
A/N: So, I'm back! I hope you enjoyed it .*Fans self* Fenn's hot stuff, yes? ;) Anyway, this has only been proofed once as we're all ill. I've been ill with throat and ear ache all week and I now have really painful stomach cramps too (almost didn't upload). If you enjoyed, don't forget to vote, and you know I always love your comments. Also, remember that you can join the cohort at https://www.facebook.com/groups/647389842044922/